Surprising Aspects about Being a Mom

I am constantly surprised by my feelings now that I'm a mom. I amazed at how my story has played out. I never in a million years thought I would be raising children 7 months apart.  I never thought I would have a biological child and an adopted child.  And in the process of trying to have children, our story continued to change.  At first we were adoptiong only.  Then I was pregnant and we were adopting.  I have no doubt that the way my story has played out has dictated some of my feelings. 

I wanted to talk about my feelings post motherhood, because I am learning to have grace with myself.  I'm learning that everyone bonds to their children differently, and this is just how it is happening with me.  I'm realizing that I don't need to beat myself up about it.  It is what it is.

When I gave birth to TT, I felt initially detached.  I was in quite a lot of pain.  I had a lot of anxiety because of her heart rhythm issues during labor.  When she was finally born, I just sat back and crawled into myself a little.  I think I did it mostly to control the pain aspect of childbirth.  I was tired.  Not only from the labor, but from the pregnancy.  From the anxieties of worrying if I would have a baby at the end of the pregnancy.  The first night of TT's life, I sent her to the nursery for the night.  I needed sleep.  I was tired.  The next night, I sent her to the nursery again.  But in the middle of the night, a nurse brought her into my room, and said she has been crying non stop and needed her Mom. At first, I was slightly annoyed.  I needed sleep.  Couldn't the nurse figure this out?  I picked TT up from her bassinet, and she immediately stopped crying.  I immediately started crying.  We looked straight into each other's eyes, and I sobbed.  I sang her songs, cuddled with her in my hospital bed, and I held her so tight.  I loved TT immediately.  I loved her the minute I saw the positive pregnancy test.  I loved her the minute she was placed on my chest after the birth.  But in this moment, I fell completely in love.  I was her Mom, and she needed me so much.  And I never ever EVER wanted to put her down.  I had never felt love like this.  It was a happy love, but a love that had me crying for the next month because I had never felt such intense emotions.  This was the defining moment where I realized that I am in charge of TT.  I am here for all of her needs.  And in that moment, I realized I would do anything for this sweet baby girl.  Deeply, madly in love. So, I first loved TT on October 30, 2009, when I had a positive pregnancy test.  But I fell truly in love the day after her birthday, July 7, 2010.

I loved Nur the moment T and I started the adoption process.  I prayed for Nur, for his birthparents, for his birth country.  But I didn't know who I was loving.  I just knew I loved this little boy.  Then came May 4, 2010.  The day T and I received our referral for Nur.  This was the first moment I was able to see his beautiful face.  Yes, my love for Nur intensified that day.  I'll never forget meeting Nur for the first time.  His nanny brought him to me at the orphanage, and for the first time, I was able to hold my son.  He was soft, gorgeous, and absolutely perfect.  He was also scared and emotionless.  I remember sobbing. For the first time, Nur was in my arms.  Not some picture on our fridge and on my computer desktop.  And altough I loved him, I didn't feel bonded to him.  I didn't know him.  He didn't know me.  I didn't know what his cry meant.  I didn't know what his facial expressions meant.  My hold and touch didn't soothe him.  To him, I wasn't Mom.  I was just a woman giving his attention.  As far as he was concerned, I was just another nanny at the orphanage. 

Nur has now been home for 3 and a half months.  The same age TT was when I left her to go to Ethiopia to pick Nur up.  3 and a half months.  For me, I've realized that bonding is a process.  I've also realized that love is sometimes learned.  I felt bonded with TT almost immediately.  I feel like I had 9 months to get to know her while I was pregnant.  And more than that, she had 9 months to get to know me.  To know my voice.  Nur and I were thrown at each other. I didn't know Nur.  And more importantly, he didn't know me.  Through this though, I've learned to not be so hard on myself.  I can't control the emotions I feel.  Until someone walks in my shoes, and has experienced what I've experienced, no one can just me.  I've even quit judging myself. I've learned grace. 

I am in love with Nur.  It wasn't immediate.  I'm sorry.  It just wasn't.  Not only am I in love with him, but everyday, I feel like our bond is getting stronger.  Is my bond the same as it was for TT after 3 and a half months?  No.  It just isn't.  It's different.  It just is.  This weekend though, T and I brought Nur to his first gym session.  It's a class for kids, 10 months old to 18 months old and they play and learn.  Well, T was holding Nur's hand, and helping him walk.  They were walking around a parachute as a song was playing in the background.  I was holding TT off in the distance, watching this activity.  As T and Nur walked around in circles with the other parents and children, everytime Nur would pass me, he would smile and look at me, and shake with pure joy and excitement.  And there I was, sitting with TT on my lap, and tears in my eyes.  This was my son.  At his first gym session in the US.  There was my Ethiopian boy hanging onto his Baba's hand, hanging out with little kids, smiling at his Mama and his sissy.  I couldn't believe the emotions that came over me in that moment. 

This is my family.  We're not perfect. I'm not proud of every emotion I have.  But Nur is my son. Just as much as TT is my daughter.  And although the road with him and emotions and bonding has been a little longer, I do love him.  I am in love with him.  And in the 3 and a half months that I've known Nur, my love has grown, and I never want to imagine a life where he isn't my son.

I wanted to post this because so many adoptive parents beat themselves up.  But the truth is, is we don't know how we'll react to our children.  But give it time.  Because if the love doesn't overwhelm you immediately, I have no doubt that it will overwhelm you eventually.

Because I am overwhelmingly in love with my children.  Both of them.

What If Things Were Different

(All pics removed)

T and I were sitting around our living room recently, playing with the kiddos, and I asked him if he ever thought about what life would be like had I not gotten pregnant, and only Nur was our child at the moment. This is of course something that is hard and painful to think about, because I DID get pregnant, and there IS a TT, and because of that, life is SO much better.  But it is something interesting to think about.  My observations if we only did have Nur as our child, is that life would be easier, that's for sure.  At the moment, Nur is the easier child to parent.  I think this is mainly due to his age, and nothing else, because I sure don't consider TT high maintenance.  She's the only 6 and a half month old I've ever parented, so things we go through with her, I'm assuming are just normal things for a baby her age.  I've also never parented an almost 14 month old, but Nur is at an easy stage, that's for sure.

So, let's discuss these kids of ours!  Nur continues to do so well.  I can't believe he's the same child that T met in August, and I met in October.  Not only does he look different, but he acts differently.  Here is a photo comparison.

Nur in August

 Nur in January

He has grown SO much!  He's gotten so much more hair, and somehow in these months he's turned into less of a baby, and more of a toddler.  I'm so happy with his development, but this is all going TOO fast. And because he now has so much hair, I went and got some special hair products, and I love what we got! It really brings out his curls. 

Nur continues to love food, and I can't wait for his 15 month appointment in March to see where he is at weight-wise.  Just looking at him (and holding him!) he is definitely getting heavier, and he's getting longer.  He eats anything.  Lately, T and I have been trying to cook more and give him that food mashed up instead of baby food jars.  The only problem is, is that we don't cook much, but we are working on that.  I would say his favorite food at the moment is sweet potatoes.

Nur still doesn't have any teeth, but by the amount he drools, I would say we are close to seeing some.  Of course I've been saying that since August, so we shall see. 

Nur also loves us.  I mean, he really loves us! I know I shouldn't sound surprised, but I didn't know what to expect with bonding and attachment, but it's going well, even though T and I basically broke every rule there was.  I get home from work first, and Nur sees me, and claps, and screams, and then crawls over to me and whines until I pick him up.  And he is SUCH a cuddler.  Sometimes he just wants to be picked up, and he puts his head on my shoulder, and we just cuddle.  Such a sweet boy!

And he is learning so much!  He loves to push on his toy walker, and walk all over the place.  He still isn't an independent walker, but I think it's only a matter of time.  He loves playing rough with his Baba. . . too rough for this Mama, but he just sits here and giggles.  He continues his Early Intervention 0-3 PT Therapy twice a month, and his therapist is always so impressed by his progress.  Nur is such a smart boy, and I can't imagine life without him.  He's definitely a member of our family. :)

And TT.  I also can't believe how much she has grown.  This is also happening TOO fast!

TT in August

 TT in January

TT has also started eating baby food and not just formula, although I have to say she is a very finicky eater, and I'd have to say she comes by that honestly.  So far, she prefers fruit more than veggies. Although she is still getting the majority of her calories from formula. 

TT LOVES pulling hair and sucking on people's faces.  Weird, I know.  I had the brilliant idea to cut my hair after the babies arrived thinking it would be easier.  Now I'm growing it out so I can tie it back again.  Seriously, I had to resort to wearing this hat to protect my head.  But, she somehow manages to find the baby hairs on the back of my head and pulls those. 

TT now can sit all by herself, although sometimes she falls over.  But I think she is getting better at it every day.  She loves sitting on the floor and playing with toys, and she loves hearing the sound of her own voice.  Oh, we love our baby girl. 

TT is a bit of a mama's girl at the moment.  At times I think I've created a monster.  She whines when I don't hold her, even if I'm in the same room as her, and as soon as I pick her up, she is happy.  Maybe I did create a monster, but my babies will only be little once, so if they want to be held all day, everything else in life can wait. :)

The best thing about Nur and TT is their interaction together.  I love seeing these two play together!  I think they really love each other.  Really. . . they do. :)  When TT naps in her bedroom, Nur will sit outside her closed door and babble to her.  I think he misses her when she naps.  They play so well together, although Nur likes to steal all of TT's toys.  He's at a stage where he wants whatever someone else has.  But TT holds her own, and they can often times be found pulling on the same toy.

TT is the typical younger sister, and is always "harrassing" Nur.  He is so good natured though, and allows it. 

 A lot of times, these two just look at each other, babble, and then laugh.  I know they aren't really twins in the sense that they shared a womb, but they have twin talk and a twin bond, that is for sure. 

 Life just wouldn't be the same without both Nur and TT.  And although this isn't how we planned things, we are both so grateful that this is how things worked out.

I'm going to leave these pics up for a week or so and then take them down.  Apparently goog.le images has some of my pics, and I'm not sure how it happened, but I don't like it, so I'm taking extra precautions.