Oh, the Embarrassing!

I thought I would do a fun and light post today. There is so much waiting and anxiety going on in my life right now, but sometimes it's nice to push that anxiety aside and laugh at myself and all of my lovely qualities. Today, I'm laughing at myself when I think of a memory from a while ago.

T and I honeymooned in Portugal, and were fortunate enough to be able to stay at my relative's house there. My relatives were in the states, so we had their house all to ourselves. They also left us a great working Volvo from the 80's that we were free to use. A dream vacation indeed!

T and I didn't have much use for the car. We were right next to a beautiful beach, and the public transportation around us was wonderful. But, still, there were situations where it was just easier to use a car. The car happened to be a stick shift, and well, neither T and I were very experienced with stick shifts. T tried driving first, and didn't want to down shift, so he just never used the breaks. He would fly over speed bumps and roundabouts, and I finally fired him from driving duties and decided I would be the main driver.

And what a wonderful driver I was. . . If I may say so myself. I would drive us around the shore of the Atlantic, I would drive us into a little city outside of Lisbon. I was doing great! I was quite proud of myself as I hadn't driven a stick shift in years.

One day, T and I decided to drive to a huge grocery store in the nearest town called Jumbo.

We picked up a few groceries and were looking forward to having a little picnic on the beach. To leave the parking lot, we had to first pay, and right after the pay station, there was a steep driveway heading up. I paid for parking, and in the middle of the steep driveway, I tried to shift into second, and yes, you guessed it. . . I killed the car! Right on the steep driveway! In the meantime, there are several cars behind us that can't pass until we get moving.

I try to get the car moving, and everytime I try to move, I kill the car, and roll backwards. At this point, I am inches from the car behind me. In the meantime, people are yelling what I can only guess are profanities in Portuguese. I have a bit of a panic attack, and start crying. I honestly didn't know what to do!

T to the rescue! He gets out of the car, and opens the driver side door of the car behind us, and tries to motion to this man that he must get in OUR car and drive us up the steep hill. T speaks no Portuguese, the man speaks no English, but somehow he gets it, and gets into the driver's seat, and drives our car up the driveway. After our Portuguese hero got us up the hill, I was able to drive us away and drive us home.

This was 6 years ago, and after that, I vowed I would never drive stick shift again. And I haven't. Don't think I ever will. :)

And I'm sure T and I are still being spoken about in Portugal. Those stupid Americans who couldn't drive. :) It's so great to be able to laugh at yourself though. T and I have had many laughs about our Jumbo story from our honeymoon. :)

Weekly Pregnancy Post - 34 Weeks

Here is my picture at 34 weeks. See what happens when I try to take my own picture with a self timer on my camera?
Okay, let's try that again.

I received the results of my sleep study test, and sure enough, I have fairly severe apnea. I get fitted with my CPAP tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to sleeping with a mask over my face, but I'm pretty sure I never had apnea prior to pregnancy, so I'm hopeful that I will no longer have apnea after pregnancy.

T and I were able to take a tour of where I'll give birth. That was interesting and definitely made it all seem more real. We even got to see a baby in the nursery, which was cool. Hard to believe babies start out that tiny!

I'm starting to feel my body gear up for delivery, and I've been experiencing frequent braxton hicks the past couple of days. (at least that's what I think they are)

And the 90+ degree heat we've been having in Minnesota. . . Let's just say I'm very grateful for AC. (and for my readers not from the MN, we actually have very hot weather here. Our climate is one of extremes. Freezing cold winters and hot and humid summers. Our temps range from about 30 below to 100 degrees. Lucky us!) I just wanted to add that in there for those who think MN is freezing all the time. Hee hee. :)

Happy Wednesday ya'll! :)

The Way it Was Meant To Be

Sometimes I wonder if T and I would have ever adopted if we hadn't struggled to get pregnant first.

I've mentioned on this blog that we've always wanted to adopt. I'll never forget T talking to me during our early marriage about how overpopulated the world already is and therefore we should just adopt instead of procreating. (Mrs Duggar. . . are you reading this?) I agreed with T and thought adoption was a wonderful idea, but I also had a huge desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth as well.

As the years went on in our marriage, adoption was never really discussed again. It was just something that both T and I were open to. It didn't get brought up again until I feared that a biological child wasn't going to be an option for us. And the subject wasn't brought up lightly. I don't think any couple ever says, hey, we're apparently infertile! Let's adopt! There was a lot of hurt to recover from, mostly on my end, before we were able to see the hope that adoption offered us.

And then a few months into the adoption process, I got pregnant.

Many people suggested we hold off on the adoption, and I would be lying if the thought didn't cross my mind once or twice. But I know myself so well. I know T so well. I know us as a couple so well. And I was pretty sure that if we held off on the adoption due to the pregnancy, that we would go through our lives and never adopt. I was sure I would be on my deathbed, looking back at my life, and not following through with the adoption would be my biggest regret. I couldn't chance it.

I am also fully aware that if we had gotten pregnant right away, adoption probably would never have been brought up, and definitely never followed through on. And because of that, I am grateful for the infertility we suffered. If we hadn't suffered it, more than likely, there would be no Khalil. Adoption would have been just another dream I didn't follow through on. (And trust me, there are a few forgotten dreams on my list already)

I wish I could go back to the days I was suffering. The days of failed treatments, sadness and bitterness, and see the bigger picture. I wish I could go back and see the meaning behind all of it, because I truly believe in everything, there is a meaning. I wish I could have been more graceful and trusting during my struggle.

Now that I'm on the other side of it, I see the meaning in it. I had to go through all I did, because if I hadn't, there is a very real possibility that Khalil, the son I was always meant to have, would not be my son.

To those of you struggling, always try to find the bigger meaning in your struggle. Everything in life is a learning opportunity.

*** Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. ~Garrison Keillor ***

All About Khalil

This is the blanket my Mom made for Khalil. My Mom has been busy this year making blankets, and still has one more to make. Her first grandchild was born in November, and then the two T and I are expecting. My Mom told me she prayed over this blanket as she made it. She prayed for Khalil and his safety and well being. She prayed for his birthparents, his country, and that he makes it here safely. I feel very lucky to have the family that I do. Everyone is so excited to meet this little boy, and to show him love and affection.

Speaking of bringing Khalil home, still no word on a court date. Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since we accepted his referral, and I really thought we'd at least have a court date by now. I've heard that courts are backed up, and a lot of that has to do with the rush of families trying to beat the deadline to only travel once. I really hope we hear about a court date this week, and I hope whatever date we hear will be the perfect date for our family.

T and I think about Khalil constantly. We wonder what he is doing. We wonder if he is being picked up when he cries. What I wasn't expecting during this adoption process was to love him so quickly. But upon seeing his picture and "meeting" him on paper, I fell in love instantly and completely. He is my son, and he needs to be home with his T and I. Soon. Hopefully soon.

T and I plan on starting on his nursery next week. We already have many things for his room, now it's just putting it all together. We plan on getting him the same crib that baby girl has. It's a beautiful crib, so hey, why not. He has cute little clothes hanging in his closet, and I look at them everyday and imagine what he'll look like in them. He has blankets to keep him warm at night, books to be read, and toys to be played with. Now we just need him.

Happy Friday!

Things keeping me busy:

Washing pounds of baby clothes!

Things making me anxious:

Waiting for a court date! We received our referral 2 and a half weeks ago. I hope we get the court date soon. I really want to bring our son home.

Random picture of the day:

Chosen at random from my photo album on my computer. My husband on our favorite beach in Portugal.

Things making me happy:

That the sleep study is over!!! May I NEVER EVER EVER have another one again.

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!!!

Sleep Studies Make Me Sleepy

8:45pm - Say goodbye to T in the driveway. I know I know. . . I'm only going to be away from him for about 12 hours, but I was so dreading where I was going.
9:00pm - Show up at the Sleep Clinic and get brought to my room, which happens to be right across from a bathroom. Score!
9:00pm - 10:00pm - Get wires put all over my body. And I mean ALL over. Have them put on my head with this pasty glue like substance. Have them put all over my face, my chest, my belly, my legs, and even something in my nose that resembled a cannula, but wasn't.
10:00pm - After getting all the wires put on me, realize I need to go to the bathroom. Not convenient with wires. Try to go to bed.
12:00am - Call the tech because I have to go to the bathroom. She needs to unhook some wires to make that possible. Go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and freak out. I look like a monster!!!
12:30am - Can't sleep. Too many wires. Guy in the room next to me snoring too loudly. (He wasn't in my room, just the room next door, but he was snoring THAT loud) Tech calls into my room to see if I'm okay cause I play on my cell phone for 30 minutes. That's right! There are cameras watching me!!!
1:30am - Bathroom break. Call the tech, wires removed. . . you get the drill.
3:00am - Bathroom break. Seriously? Sleep studies on pregnant women? Are you kidding me? After bathroom break, update facebook about my inability to sleep. Seriously, I don't think I've hit REM yet.
3:30am - Tech comes into the room. There are wires out of place. She fixes them and leaves.
5:00am - Bathroom Break
6:00am - Wake up call.
7:00am - Arrive home and take the best shower of my life where I get to scrub the pasty glue like substance out of my hair.

TODAY IS GOING TO BE A LONG DAY!

I also wanted to share this picture. Our friend painted it of T and I. It is based off a picture of the two of us. I love this painting and now need to find the perfect place for it in our house.

Weekly Pregnancy Update - 33 Weeks

33 weeks pregnant. Hard to believe. . . at least for me. I'm starting to slow down a bit these days. I'm listening to my achy body, which is telling me to sleep more, and do less.

Tonight I have to spend the night at a sleep clinic to test me for sleep apnia. My doctors are thinking I may have developed this during pregnancy. I guess we'll see. I'm not looking forward to spending the night somewhere other than my nice bed, have monitors hooked up to me, and people watching me sleep through a video camera. No. . . this does not sound like fun, and I'm looking forward to having it done with.

I've mentioned on here before that T and I are wavering on what to name this baby girl. We had a name all picked out, but it isn't the easy name to say, and we are having a hard time realizing that because it's difficult to say, her name will become something entirely different. Anyway, T and I now have a second name in the running that we really love. So, we are down to two names. On Sunday evening, we are laying in bed. We have a light in the room similar to track lighting, and there are three different lights coming out of one fixture. Well, one of the lights went out, leaving only 2 lights lit. At about this time, fireworks starting going off outdoors, and it led T and I to wonder if we were going to have a 4th of July baby. T jokingly looked at the light and asked, "Will our baby be born on the 4th of July?" The light that had burnt out blinked once and turned off again. Okay, no big deal. . . obviously a loose connection. T then looked at the light, and asked, "Should we name our baby _______?" Immediately, the light that had burnt out turned on. It was freaky!!! And the light has stayed on ever since. Could this be a sign? And after T read this post, he called me and reminded me that Khalil's given name (which we are making his middle name) means light in Arabic. Could Khalil have been giving us a sign?

We have started our birthing classes, and I'm trying to figure out whether I want meds or want to try to deliver without meds. Any feedback on this? I'm really wavering.

I hope ya'll don't mind the paragraph format my pregnancy posts have taken on. I thought it was more interesting than the standard bullets, especially since my answers never really changed. :)

The Hardest Part of Adoption

When T and I filled out our first adoption application back in June, I remember looking at the long list of to-do's, and for the first time, I realized how involved adoption was. The list was daunting.

• Fill out application
• Meet with social worker in home
• Meet with social worker in office
• Attend adoption classes
• Finish homestudy
• Get fingerprints
• File the I600A
• Complete Dossier

The list goes on and on and on. I remember each step so clearly too. When we were trying to finish our homestudy and having interviews with our Social Worker, I kept thinking, this is definitely the hardest part of adoption. Having someone come in our home and interview us, someone asking us a million very personal questions. Yes, this is definitely the hardest step.

Once our homestudy was completed we started on our Dossier. There was so much paperwork to fill out, it was overwhelming. And so much of the paperwork we had to rely on other people for, which made it even harder. I remember mailing our Dossier to our adoption agency in October, and thinking that the hardest part was definitely behind us. Now all we had to do was sit and wait. That would be easy.

For 5 and a half months, we waited. And honestly, it wasn't that difficult. Our adoption, although real, still felt abstract in some ways. Days passed quickly as T and I had very busy social calendars, a lot of doctor's appointments, family gatherings, and other things that kept us really busy. Our five and a half months on the waiting list passed rather quickly.

Two weeks ago from today, we received our referral of the most beautiful boy T and I have ever seen. These last two weeks have been awful as we wait by our phone and email to hear when our court date will be. When we can make this beautiful boy legally our son. His picture is the wallpaper on my mobile, the backdrop of my computer, hanging on the refridgerator. His picture is everywhere, and I glance at it no less than 100 times a day. I look into his big chocolate colored eyes. I memorize every little crease on his body. I try to imagine what he was thinking in the moment his picture was taken.

Now that T and I have been placed with a baby, our adoption is a lot less abstract. No, now it's completely real. There is a real person in this world who if everything goes right, will become our son. I spend my days thinking about him. Is he being held when he cries. Is he eating enough? Is he being soothed and comforted? Is he getting any attention at all? How much longer will he need to be in the orphanage before we can bring him home? Is he healthy? Is he happy?

Now that we have seen his picture, the wait is excrutiating. We still need to wait to get a court date, and once we have that, we'll need to wait for an embassy date. We are thinking we'll have him home in August or September. Hoping.

I've now almost been through every step of the adoption, and THIS WAITING is definitely the hardest step.

Weekend Yard Sale

We had the most perfect weather for a yard sale this weekend, which is good, because this was the weekend T and I had designated for our sale. . . rain our shine.

I have never had a yard sale before, and I was surprised at the amount of work involved. I mean, it is A LOT of work!!! A few weeks ago, T and I reached out to family and friends and asked if they wanted to donate anything to our yard sale. We were so fortunate that many people had things to give us, such as furniture, books, movies, antiques, clothes, electronics, and so much more. So, for the past few weeks, our garage has been a staging area for our sale.

I must admit. . . I had fairly low expectations for our sale. I wasn't sure if people would stop by. T and I drove around the night before and put signs everywhere announcing our sale, I put an ad in our local newspaper about the sale, T then went door to door in our neighborhood and dropped off flyers at neighbor's we had never met.

It all paid off though, and when our sale started, people came. They really came!!! (Sorry, that was my astonishment that people actually showed up)

Neighbors who we had never met, who live right across the street came and introduced themselves to us. T and I had a picture of Khalil up and told people that is the meaning behind the sale. Family came to offer moral support and to throw money at items I'm sure they didn't really care about, friends showed up with their children to offer their support to us.

And it was so fun to watch T in action. He is a natural salesman, and had so much joy everytime he talked about Khalil. It was precious, and makes me so proud to be married to such a man.

And while some of our sale was going on, my Mom went in our backyard and weeded our garden. Seriously, I have the best family.

And we had this cute baby at our sale who helped bring in the traffic. I mean. . . who can resist a cute baby? ;)


I blew up balloons to bring people's attention to our house. But then I forgot to put them out in the yard. Oops!

And here I am, hard at work, in my pink shirt. Best $5.00 I've ever spent! ;)

Here's a picture of some of the items we had for sale.

The sale went on both Saturday and Sunday and I have so much gratitude for the support shown us. It seriously meant the world to T and I.

At the end of the sale on Sunday, this woman walked up to our sale alone and browsed a while, but it seemed like she was more interested in conversing. She asked me how much adoption cost, and when I told her, she said that that seemed wrong to her. . . and that it seemed like it was promoting buying children. (I think she may have used the word flesh however)

I was immediately turned off by this woman, and was ready for her to leave our sale. But instead, she said she had a pain in her side and asked if we could get her water. T being the nice man he is, went inside and got her a bottle of water and a chair to sit in. She sat outside with us for an hour and a half, and it allowed T and I to tell her what adoption is really about and where the money for adoption really goes. (Because we all know it isn't to buy a child)

By the end of the conversation with this woman, I liked her. Later that evening, when the sale had been finished for hours, T and I were sitting in our backyard resting our feet and eating ice cream. All of sudden, this woman popped her head in our backyard, because she wanted to buy a couple things she had seen earlier, but earlier, she didn't have her wallet with her. So T and I brought some stuff out for her to look at it, and she informed us she only had $1.00. T and I sent her home with a ton of merchandise, all for the price of $1.00.

Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. And perhaps there was a deeper meaning to this woman as well.

We are SO happy our sale went well, and we are SO happy to have it behind us. (Did I mention how much work it was?) And on top of everything, we have a nice little deposit to make for Addis Ababa airfare #1. :)

Weekly Pregnancy Post - 32 Weeks

32 weeks pregnant today. The exhaustion I experienced the 1st trimester is back, after taking a break during the 2nd trimester. I'm trying to be productive but realize that I need to slow down a bit and just take time to relax. I'm also realizing that it's okay to not commit to every social engagement. Sometimes I just have to say no and take time for myself to sit on the couch and relax.

I have a cardiology appointment today. I was born with an itty bitty heart defect, and my midwife suggested I go see my cardiologist just to make sure everything is going okay. I have no doubt that he'll tell me I have the heart of a 30 year old. :)

I'm also having some frustrations with my OB clinic. I LOVE this clinic, but at the moment, I need them to write me a letter and notarize it saying that I cannot travel at this point in my pregnancy. I need this for the adoption agency so T could represent the both of us in court, assuming we get a court date before I have baby girl. Of course this is an odd request. I mean. . . who adopts while pregnant? The first time I called the clinic the nurse said they couldn't complete this request because they have no notary on hand. Then T took charge and got hold of one of the midwives that I love. She said she would do it, and I was feeling great about it. Well, T picked up her notarized letters. They were handwritten, full of errors, and I'm sure unnacceptable for the courts of Ethiopia. So, T and I are trying our luck again and hopefully will be able to get this taken care of.

T and I also started our birthing and parenting classes this week. Very interesting, and I know I will get a lot out of the class, as will T.

And we are completely wavering on the name we originally choose for baby girl. When he and I selected Khalil, we knew IMMEDIATELY that it was the right name for our baby boy. But we're really wavering on the girl's name. I love the name we picked out. It's Arabic, and my concern is that it will be mispronounced by almost everyone. Is that fair to our girl? If anyone has name suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Seriously, leave me a comment. We need a name! :)

And in unrelated pregnancy news, I wanted to briefly discuss my post from yesterday. Apparently, there were some people adopting through AGCI who were offended by my post because the family I was referencing is the best family ever. First, I would like to say that I purposely did not mention this family by name, so I have no idea how anyone got the idea that that is who I was referring to. And second of all, my post wasn't just about that family. I've been hearing so much recently about how T and I are just exceptional people for rescuing a child, etc, etc. That isn't how I feel about adoption, and this was my post to set the record straight on that. I also want to add that my post yesterday in no way was trying to speak about what is in other adoptive parent's hearts. I have no doubt that the family I was referring to have wonderful hearts and are great people. My post wasn't about that. It was about using the term rescue when speaking about adoption. So, if in some way you were offended by yesterday's post, I do apologize, but I would also like to add that this blog is about me, my thoughts on adoption and life in general. I guarantee you that you won't agree with every opinion I have, and I'm okay with that. Okay. . . I'll just leave this alone from now on, and I thank you for all of the supportive comments I received yesterday on my post.

Happy Wednesday everyone! And seriously. . . baby names. I need baby names. :)

I am going to rescue an orphan (Not my words)

Yesterday, I clicked over to a new blog I had never read before because they had a new gotcha video up. For those unfamiliar with a gotcha video, it is a video people take to document when they first meet their adoptive child. I love these videos, and until yesterday, had never watched one without crying my eyes out. They are so touching, and I always imagine the emotions when T and I will get to meet Khalil.

Yesterday's gotcha video left me with a different impression. The adoptive parents were being interviewed at the beginning of the video, and started out by saying that they felt like it was their calling in life to go rescue an orphan. I wish I could properly articulate why this leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. Why this is such a turnoff to me. I don't know, I guess I feel like that statement is so self-serving. It was as if these parents needed a large pat on their back for going to this impoverished continent called Africa and saving a child. They were trying to glorify themselves a bit too much.

I know I've written about this before, but I don't believe adoption should be thought of as rescuing a child. It is so much more than that. When I look at Khalil, it isn't about rescuing him. It's about T and I creating a family. It's about T and I being blessed with a son. I'm not looking to glorify myself in this process. I don't want people to think, "Good for Leah and T. . . rescuing an orphan!" I don't want people to think that at all. This process is simply not about me. God didn't speak to me one day and put adoption in my heart. Instead, I've always been fascinated with different countries and cultures, and always wanted to have a diverse family.

When someone says they are going to rescue a child, to me, it puts the white parents and biological siblings above the adoptive (almost always darker skinned) child. (And yes, I could be reading into these words way too much) Khalil will be an equal in our household. He will be our child and we will be his parents. His mama will be white, his baba will be brown, his sister will most likely be a combination of pale and brown, and Khalil will be the color of dark chocolate. We will all have different shades to us, and that is what will make us unique and beautiful.

I am just so confident that I will never look at Khalil when he is home and want to be praised for saving this poor helpless child. I am very confident that I will look at Khalil and thank God for the blessing that Khalil has been to us.

Perhaps I look at adoption differently than some. Perhaps there are many people out there that see adoption as a rescue mission. I am just not one of them.

(And I'm not trying to badmouth this family that I do not even know. I have no doubt that their hearts are in the right place. Something just turns me off by the words "God told me I should go rescue a baby orphan)

Adoption Update

Our adoption agency called us on Friday letting us know that we missed the deadline which would have allowed us to only travel to Ethiopia once. I wasn't surprised. It would have been a miracle if we would have actually made the deadline.

What is frustrating is that our agency still doesn't seem completely clear on the one or two parents needing to be at court for the hearing. She said technically two parents are supposed to be there, but that our agencies lawyer in Ethiopia said that there may be exceptions based on medical conditions, and that pregnancy is considered a medical condition.

So, after talking to the agency, they sent me a power of attorney form to fill out, where I will grant T power of attorney. They also had me call my OB office and get 3 notarized letters from them saying I am not able to travel at this point in my pregnancy. Hopefully these documents will allow T to travel without me.

Our dossier is currently being translated over in Ethiopia, and I'm not sure how long that takes. I'm anxious to hear about a court date, and nervous about when that court date will be. I mean, what if it is close to my delivery date? I don't want to be nervous and riddled with anxiety that T is going to miss the birth of our daughter. It's already May 10th though, so it's hard to think we could actually get a court date in May. Which means it would be in June, which means. . . The timing of all of this is just a little too close and a little too scary.

I'm trying to remain happy. All I have to do is look at the picture of Khalil, and I know that somehow the timing of all of this WILL work out. Everything WILL be okay.

A Friday Post of Everything

THANKS

I just want to thank everyone for the sweet comments you left me. Thank you so much for keeping T and I in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for taking the time to follow my story, and for commenting on my posts. It means so much to me that there are so many out there that are happy for us.

REFERRAL DAY

The universe has never been so aligned in all of my life. First, we get the call that we have a son. That joy alone would be enough to carry me through. But then on top of that, we found out we could still possibly make the cutoff date and only have to travel to Ethiopia once. Then I got home from work and had a huge package waiting at the door. In the package was a gift for both Khalil and Baby Girl. The same night, Taher and I just happened to have tickets to the MN Twin's Game, which was so exciting because they are in a brand new stadium. I had bought the tickets months ago, and the game just happened to be on referral day! We took our seats, which were very good. I knew they were going to be good as I had spent quite a bit on them as a surprise to Taher. About half way through the warmups, I realized that we were in the wrong seats. At this point, we were about 20 seats from the field, but then I realized we were actually in the 5th row, right behind the Twin's dugout. Yes, in actuality, our seats were even better than I had thought. The Twin's ended up winning in the 9th inning. I've never had a day like this, and I am so completely aware of how unworthy I am.

31 WEEKS PREGNANT

I missed my pregnancy post of the week. I am 31 weeks. (Now officially 31w2d) I have my midwife appointment today and pray things are still going well. And here are my pregnancy pictures of the week. . . from the Twin's game. (I swear, this pink shirt isn't the only one I own) :)

GUILT

I feel guilty for so many things. I have major mama guilt. Like how am I going to give two babies the attention they need and deserve? Am I doing either of these children a disservice by having them both at the same time? Is there enough love to go around? Was I thinking about baby girl enough on referral day or was too much of my attention going towards Khalil. It isn't fair that T and I received our referral when there were people waiting longer than us for theirs. I feel for them. I know how hard waiting is. It isn't fair that people have lost their babies, had difficult pregnancies, had issues with their adoption. I am feeling constant guilt.

UNWORTHINESS

I am SO aware of how unworthy I am for all that I am receiving. I've been in a constant conversation with God since Tuesday letting him know that I realize how unworthy I am, and that I hope he doesn't take this away from me.

BALANCING LIFE

I hate my pessimistic attitude, but every time things go well for me, I wait for the ball to drop. I'm waiting for that to happen right now. I feel beyond blessed to have a referral of a beautiful baby boy, and to be pregnant with a baby girl. What's going to go wrong? No one's life is this good, right? Something bad needs to happen to balance things off. I'm scared of what that bad thing will be. I can't lose these children. I love them both so much. So much.

So, these are my thoughts. My mind is a bit everywhere, as you can see. I'm just so grateful for the gifts I've been given and so aware that there are people who should be receiving these gifts before me. Not for one second will I take any of my gifts for granted. I am so very thankful.

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE! I hope to have an update on Monday from the adoption agency. We should know by then if we squeaked by with only having to travel to Ethiopia once.

We Got THE CALL! YES. . . THE CALL!

I'm shaking as I write this, but T and I have gotten the call we've been waiting for ever since we filled out our first adoption application in June. We have our referral! I have so many emotions right now. I'm excited beyond belief, shocked that it came so quickly, nervous that everything goes smoothly, anxious that we can squeak by and only travel once. SO many emotions. Mostly, just true elation.

I was sitting at work yesterday, and my phone rang. Oregon area code. My first thought was this couldn't be right. This couldn't be THE CALL. The woman told me that we have a son. A SON. She said she had an email with all of the details, and I asked her to wait one hour before sending the email, so T and I could open it together.

I then called T. He sent me right to his voicemail. I then called his other phone, and he said, "Why are you calling both phones? Did Khalil call?"

"YES TAHER!!! HE CALLED!"

T and I both left work immediately so we could open the email together. I have no doubt that I was not a good driver as I drove home. There is nothing like the anticipation of seeing what your child looks like. Nothing. We got home, at about the same time, and just hugged and smiled, and waited for the email to come through. Finally, it came through, and before reading anything we went to the two pictures that we were given. I may be a biased mama, but he is the most beautiful baby boy I've ever seen. Gorgeous. Breathtaking. And I can't wait to love on him. What's amazing to me is how quickly I fell in love. It was immediate. Every stress I have felt these past couple of years. The sadness of trying to conceive, the money spent on treatments, the money spent on adoption, the hours of paperwork, the months of waiting. ALL of it disappeared as soon as I layed eyes on the boy who will hopefully become my son.

We then read all of the information on our baby boy. T and I were both so full of emotion, and we both just sat there and cried. How could such a happy time for he and I be such a tragic time for someone else? We cried out of happiness for ourselves. We cried for Khalil who has experienced tremendous loss. We cried for Khalil's birthmom. T and I quickly decided that we would protect the details of how Khalil became an orphan, and that we would only share it with Khalil someday.

Our boy is about 4-5 months old right now, and according to the medical records, is doing well and is very healthy. He isn't officially our son until we pass court, therefore I cannot post pictures of him at this time.

But trust me when I say he is beautiful. T and I are already so in love. I see his picture, and I know he was meant to be our son.

I would appreciate all the thoughts and prayers possible that things go smoothly and that we pass court, and that becoming this boy's mama becomes my reality.

And for you still anxiously awaiting your referrals. . . I think of you all everyday. I hope your day comes soon. And I know that the child placed with you, will be the most perfect child for your family.

And, remember my contest here, where people could guess the referral date? One of my blog readers got the date correct! Staci is the winner! Congrats! I'll get in touch with you. :)

Nursery #1 - With Update

(Be sure to check back with me tomorrow. I have what I consider pretty big news to share. I'd share it today, but I have a strict rule about only one post a day. And I still have some emotions to process before I can articulate this big news)

Our girl's nursery is pretty much finished. I'm sure we'll continue to put finishing touches here and there, but for the most part, it is done. We haven't done much with the boy's nursery yet. We have a pile of stuff for his room, but are waiting to fully put it together until we have a referral for him.

Here is the view when you enter the room. It's pretty girly! I love the view of the trees out the window.

A couple views of the crib. We love the bedding my parents got us. It matches the room perfectly.
A view of the dresser. And if you look at the frame above the dresser, that is from my sister. She had one for baby girl and for Khalil, and everyone at the shower signed the frame. What a neat idea and I can't wait for our babies' pictures to be in the frame.


We even have clothes in the drawer! I can't wait to see baby girl in all of these cute outfits!

And here we have clothes hanging in the closet. We have a ton of newborn outfits, and not a lot of 0-3 month outfits. I've heard if the baby weighs 8 pounds or more, she won't even wear newborn clothes. Hope we have around a 7 pounder then, because I'd hate for these adorable outfits to go to waste. And because the closet is small, I have bins at the top for all the clothes that bigger.

We received a bumbo chair for both baby girl and Khalil. Can't wait to see her sit on it. :)

A little automan. The top comes off and we'll be able to use it for extra storage.

We are happy with the nursery. It turned out really well, and I can't wait to see a baby in it. :)

Showered with Love

T and I had our first babies' shower this weekend, and it was a lot of fun. It was hosted by my sister and she really thought of every detail, and it turned out beautifully.

It was a Kentucky Derby themed party, because the derby was Saturday, so some of the guests wore their best hats. (This is T with our niece. . . my sister's baby)

There was a ton of wonderful food that the guests really enjoyed. . . Well, most of the guests. Some weren't interested in the spread, hence the eating a doll instead.

T and I received so many wonderful gifts from our friends and family. We feel so blessed. T opened all the gifts, with help from our nieces. I was able to just sit back and relax. I loved it!

It was a really fun day, and I'm so happy that it was a joint shower for T and I. I know he enjoyed the day just as much as I did, and I really want him to feel part of this whole experience because he is just as much part of this as I am. When T and I invited a few of our guy friends to the shower, I think they were a little hesitant about the whole thing. I mean, come on, on a baby shower? For men? But I think they all ended up having a great time. I think the wine and beer may have had something to do with it.

And my horse ended up coming in 4th place! Not too bad! This was the first Kentucky Derby I have ever watched, so I wasn't that into it, but it was still fun to watch.

It was a wonderful day and I'm overwhelmed by the generosity of our guests.

(Me and my niece. I can't wait to get rid of my face bloat. Wow!)

I hope to post some pictures of one of the finished nurseries this week. I'll try to snap some pictures and get them posted in the next couple of days. I think the nursery turned out really great. :)