Parenting Nur

The past two weeks, Nur has been a new child.  For a few weeks prior, I was really struggling with parenting this little boy. He wasn't sleeping well, was throwing major tantrums, and just seemed riddled with anxiety.

But for the past two weeks, he has been so much happier.  And let's be honest.  Happy kids = Happy mom. At bedtime now, before we put him down, I always give him a big hug, and I tell him that as soon as he wakes up in the morning, I'll be right there waiting for him.  I don't know if saying this to him helps, but ever since I started saying it, he has stopped fighting sleep.  For the past two weeks, he has gone down with ease. He may let out a whimper, or even cry for a couple minutes, but nothing like he was doing.

And during the day, he has had less anxiety.  He has done well with company, he did so well during Thanksgiving, and several people even commented on how much he's grown, both physically and emotionally. 

Perhaps Nur was teething?  Perhaps a growth spurt? Perhaps he had a few off days? Whatever it was, life is better because Nur feels better.  I know he'll have a bad period again.  (His sister is currently in one) But for now, I'm just going to enjoy my happier son.

The Perfect Picture and Other Stuff

Taher and I quickly decided last year that there would be no Santa pictures.  Well, that is, until the kids are old enough to ask for them.  But for now, the thought of standing in line at the local mall, only to have both kids be absolutely terrified of the fat man with the beard, doesn't sound that appealing.

However, I do want to capture every Christmas season.  And I enjoy buying fun Christmas frames and writing the year in big letter, and by the time these kids go off to college, I'm hoping to have 18 of these frames displayed every holiday season.

And as always, I am terrible at taking the perfect picture.  Last year, I was satisfied.  Last year, it was also much easier.  The kids couldn't move.  That really worked to my advantage!!!

This beautiful picture above (at least I think it's pretty cute) was taken the day Nur became a US citizen.  Okay, is that blue blazer just the cutest thing ever?

This year, it was difficult!  The kids don't sit still for 2 seconds.  Ever.  They are always on the move.  And Nur likes to walk towards the camera, so I have a lot of pictures of him, with a close up of his nostrils.  Not cute.  Here are a couple that I think may work.  Otherwise, I'll have to get these two dressed up again and try one more time.  Otherwise, I'll just use one of these.

Oh my goodness, I love these kids!

In other news, Nur and TT have both realized that when they say Mama, I will answer.  They've known I'm Mama as long as I can remember, and they've both been babbling Mama for months.  But now they really attach the name to ME.  Oh boy!!!  Has this made life interesting.  Conversations around our house now go like this:

Nur: Mama?
Me: Yes Khalil?
TT: Mama?
Me: Yes Scarlett?

(Repeat about 150 times)

I go to the bathroom, and hear pounding at the door, Mama, Mama, Mama.  Every night before bed I sing to the kids, and now right in the middle of my beautiful song (okay, it's not that beautiful) I'm interrupted with, Mama, Mama, Mama.  I walk out of their rooms during nap time, and they stand up and say Mama.

Okay, I won't lie, I kind of like it.  But I hope they learn that when they say Baba,  T will come running, cause this Mama is TIRED.

This is a very big week in our household! A certain little boy will be turning two THIS Saturday.  Oh my, the time has flown!  We are having some people over to our house, and have a lot of preparations to be made this week. 

I also want to blog about our Thanksgiving Holiday (not what it used to be) and the new book I'm reading about Ethiopia that I CAN'T put down, and even the housing market and what that means for me.  We'll see what this week brings.

Happy Monday!

Last Day of School

T and I came to a realization over the summer that our kids don't get out quite enough.  During the work week, we have a nanny come into our home, so our kids don't get a lot of exposure that way.  And I don't have a lot of local friends with kids who are my kiddos' ages.  So, besides seeing their cousins, they don't get the exposure to other children that I really wished they did.

Because of that, I am so grateful that we heard of ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education) classes.  These classes started in September, and on Saturday morning, they had their last one.

They had an excellent teacher who really understood both Nur and TT.  My kiddos learned and grew, and got to meet many other toddlers and interact with them. 

I saw Nur excel so much in this class.  He became brave and vocal through this class.  He worked on art projects, and sang songs, and practiced sharing.  He got really good at imitating different sounds, and he played so well independently. He grew up so much in the 3 months of this class!

TT really refined her fine motor skills.  Her favorite thing to do was to figure out how to put objects into containers.  She also excelled at music time, and by the last class, she could do every motion to every song. She also became less shy, and really enjoyed interacting with the other kids.  There was one toddler in her class, and TT would "pet" her hair.

This class was a wonderful thing for both Nur and TT.  In the winter, we are signed up for another class, this time, there will be a separating component to the class, which means half the class, the parents will leave the room and discuss parenting issues.  I think Nur and TT are ready for this step, and I'm really looking forward to time with other parents discussing all things parenting.

As I stepped outside today, in the 10 degree weather, I quickly thought of all the reasons I would leave Minnesota in a heartbeat!  But then I think about our top rate education, and how much we invest in these children, and it makes the winter a little more bearable.

Being MOM

Being a mom is by far the hardest thing I've ever done.

We truly do it all, and I'm more convinced than ever that we are the ruling and more capable gender in this life. ;)

Everyday, I go put in my 8 hours of work in corporate America.  I come home and spend every moment possible with those kiddos of mine.  I cook then dinner (I'm even up to about 4 or 5 meals now).  I bath them, and put them to bed.  I hold them constantly when they are whiney and only want mom's touch.  I read the same books 25 times a day because they want me to.  I sing silly songs for them. I tickle them, and change their diapers.

I drive them to their never ending doctor's appointments, and give them medicine to make them feel better. I do at least one load of laundry everyday so I don't get buried. 

When they nap, instead of laying around, I clean the house. I scrub floors. I dust wood, I prepare meals for when they wakeup. I plan birthday birthdays.

And when I'm not physically with my children, I think of them constantly. I wonder what they are doing, and if they are happy? I plan what we'll do when I get to leave work and be with them.

I don't do it all alone. . . and for that I am lucky.  I have a wonderful husband, who I'll admit, I wished would do more of the not-so-fun tasks, but he does a lot, so I don't have to carry the entire burden.

I've never had a role in my life that I was so passionate about.  A role that was so stressful, or left me so sleep deprived.  A role that touched me so much to my core. 

Being a mom is the hardest and most rewarding job in the world.  It's just one of my jobs, and it's something I take very seriously.  It's my most important job. It's my most important role in life.  It's a job that really has me thinking about gender inequalities in this country, and in the world.  Because let's face it?  No man (at least no man that I know of) could do what moms do.  And if they could, it wouldn't be with such ease. 

We are the queen of jugglers.  We are known to put everyone else's need so far ahead of our own that years go by where we don't do one single thing for ourselves.  We are so often underappreciated, and over worked.

Go hug a mom today. :)

The Hair Saga Continues

Today I brought TT to her long awaited Dermatolgy appointment.  I scheduled this appointment 6 weeks ago.  Yes, it took 6 LONG weeks to get in.  And as always, I left the appointment with more questions than answers.  Medicine is such an interesting Science, is it not?

TT pulls and plays with her hair a lot, so I was expecting the dermatologist to think that's what was causing the balding and hair thinning.  But, the doc doesn't think the pattern of baldness correlates to pulling one's hair.  I wish I had a good picture to show the baldness occurring.  I unfortunately don't have one.  The doc took one today, but I haven't managed (or tried) to get a shot of it.

The doc took bloodwork from TT.  A lot of blood.  And my little TT didn't cry a bit.  I was so proud of her.  (Elmo helped keep her calm)  The doctor thinks it may be hormonal or autoimmune related.  She also wants to do a scalp biopsy on Scarlett.  The doc said she'd call me when the blood test came back. I'm not sure how long that takes. 

The doctor was talking about endocrinologists, adrenal glands, hormones, and well, I just don't know what to think.  All I know is that one year olds shouldn't be going bald, right?  And my concern is for TT's health.  And it's also for her vanity, which I realize sounds ridiculous.  But a baldness that you see on 70 year old man, should NOT be seen on 1 year old little girls. 

So now we wait.

I am so very truly thankful for the health of my two kids.  The floor of Dermatology at the University of MN is also on the same floor as pediatric brain tumors and pediatric heart transplants.  TT and I were in the waiting room with some very sick little kids.  The sickest of little kids, and my heart broke for them as I watched them.  And my heart broke for their parents.  And if TT is otherwise healthy, besides some balding, I will take that any day.

So, this is the new hairdo.  I call it the toddler combover.  I'm kidding, I'm kidding.  This is right after "tubbies" and her hair only stayed like that for about 5 seconds before her hand was in her hair messing it up. For a moment though, I forgot about TT's bald spot.

Life in Our Household

Nur has been doing a lot better the past few days.  He sometimes still cries for a few minutes when we put him down at night, but last night there was zero crying.  T walked out of his room, and we hugged.  We were so relieved.  Perhaps tonight will be different, but last night was a success, and we hope this will start a trend of easier nights.  We used to have easier nights, so I'm not sure why the regression occurred.

It's funny, because I've probably made it sound like we've been having such a difficult time with Nur.  And in some ways, we have, but most days, this boy is a champ! He is so easy going, he listens well, and rarely whines.  Actually, most days it's the beauty below that gives us a run for our money.  She is now 16 months but this has to be the terrible two's.  It just has to.  She can be the sweetest little girl, but she also has a fiery personality and can throw a tantrum like no other.  She's been sleeping so well, but this morning, she thought 3:15am was a good wake up time.  I wish I was a coffee drinker.  Instead, I'm at my desk sipping on Dt. Mt. Dew.

Every night before bed, the 4 of us sit in the kitchen together and we watch 15 minutes of you tube videos to wind the kids down.  Last night, we were sitting there, and T said that he is really happy we have 2 kids.  I am too!  It's amazing how things work out.  I have so many blog friends who are expecting in all different ways at the moment.  Things have a way of working out.  They just do.  And I am so grateful to have two kids.  This weekend, we separated them just for an hour.  I took TT to church while Nur and T did a Target run.  These kids are truly lost without each other.  They fight, but they love each other and expect to be around each other.  Sometimes, they'll even play for a few minutes (hardly never longer) with each other, and I get to do something productive from time to time.

I love these two so much.

I've never had to learn patience so quickly and intensely in my life.  Everyday it's a challenge to be patient.  We have so many good days, but we have really difficult days as well.  We have moments where both the kids are screaming for what appears like no reason, and it's hard.  But the good days are happening much more often now, and these two continue to be God's greatest joy to me.

TT - 16 Months

On November 6th, TT turned 16 months.

TT continues to be such a joy.  She loves being held and cuddling, and this mama can never get enough cuddles!  She also loves dancing and listening to music, and she has quite the moves these days. 

TT is also very impulsive and I find her getting frustrating (and acting out because of it) quite easily.  That is something we are definitely working on in our household.  TT has also started getting jealous when I am spending too much time with her big brother.  She finds a way to physically get between us and that is also something we are working on. 

This girl is just a skinny-mini.  She is 16 months old, yet 12 month pants are still loose on her belly.  Yet 12 month pants are also getting a big short, so I think this girl will be wearing jumpers all winter. 

TT has had a word explosion the past couple of weeks.  She repeats so many words and can sing songs with me, pretty much recognizable tunes.  She's a jokester, and thinks it's funny to grab Nur's toys and then run away.  (also something we are working on) 

She sleeps well for the most part.  Goes to bed at 7:30pm every evening, and wakes up anywhere from 5:30-6:30am.  Although we still have 4:30am mornings from time to time, but they are becoming less frequent. She's starting to feed herself, almost exclusively, which is the biggest mess ever, but I know necessary in terms of learning. 

She is a great great little girl, and we love her so much.

Nur - 23 Months

Nur turned 23 months old on November 3rd.  I am going to have a 2 year old in less than a month!!!

Nur is am amazing little boy and I love him so much.  He is the most thoughtful and generous child I've ever known.  When we ask him to share with his sissy, he will bring her every toy, instead of keeping one for himself.  He is the best big brother ever and gets so much joy out of giving TT hugs and kisses and handing her things she drops. 

Nur is a thinker and a studier.  He really examines something closely before diving in.  He has been this way since day 1, and people often comment that he'll be an engineer or something like that.  Whatever he will be, I have a feeling he will be great and important. :)

Did I already mention how sweet Nur is?  He is the sweetest child ever.  He will walk up to me with his lips puckered so I can give him a kiss.  And I am always so willing to kiss those big lips of his.

Nur is getting so brave at trying new words.  He now willingly repeats after me when I saw words.  Sometimes he is spot on, and sometimes what comes out of his mouth is so different than the word I just used, but no matter what, I am so proud of Nur for trying, and he and I love to give each other high five when he tries new words. 

I love this son of mine.  So so so much.  He is so sweet, and sensitive, and loveable, and cuddly.  He is so kind, and smart, and inquisitive.  He has blessed my life beyond measure.

Triggers

We all have them.

For me, a certain song will bring me back to senior year of high school, on the basketball court.  Or a particular smell will take me right back to Egypt. 

After a really difficult and emotional weekend, triggers are heavily on my mind.  I'm really trying to pay attention to Nur's triggers and what will set him off in a hurry.  And unfortunately, I've realized one of his biggest triggers is being in the presence of anyone but his immediate family of T, TT, and I.

Let's talk about Friday night, shall we?

We went to T's parent's house for an Eid (Muslim holiday) feast.  We got there, and all was going well.  Then T's brother and family showed up as well, and it started to get to be too much for Nur.  TT on the other hand, feeds off other people and loves the energy that people put off.  Nur on the other hand, doesn't do well at all in groups.  I could see the meltdown happening. And once something triggers Nur there is no going back.  It started as a whine.  Then it became an all out screaming and crying.  T and I tried to remove him from the situation. He calmed down for a moment, only to see the group once again and start all over.  And unfortunately, when he acts like this, people think they need to offer solutions.  Maybe he's hungry (he had just eaten. . . a lot), Oh, Nur is just trying to get attention. (Are you kidding me?)  T and I finally just left the Eid celebration early.

The next day (Saturday) was bad as well.  We got to school every Saturday morning and Nur had 3 major meltdowns.  I had to bring him down the hall and he was screaming like he was being tortured.  It was ridiculous and embarrassing.  We finally just left school early. . . screaming child in hand.  I love Nur so much, but I do feel my blood pressure raise when he acts like this.  I try to be sensitive, but I just simply don't understand the behavior. 

So, I now realize that groups are a big trigger for Nur, what I don't know is how to deal with it.  Nothing calms him down.  Do we just not socialize? What about the holidays coming up?  And how do we deal with the comments that are utterly ridiculous?  There are so many frustrations going on and so much regression seems to be occurring.

Is It An Adoption Thing

I know when I went private, I lost a lot of readers. . . especially ones who have adopted and have that experience, but I still needed to post about this. 

Having a child who is adopted, I find myself asking the question, "Is this an adoption thing?" approximately 151 times a day.  Seriously.  No joke.  With adoption comes loss and trauma, and innate feelings so deeply engrained in our children. 

In the past few months, T and I went out and got a video monitor for our son.  We always had one for TT, but we got it because of the SIDS risks of infants, etc.  We never thought we needed it for Nur, because when he came home, he was beyond the age of a SIDS risk.  Well, we ended up getting a video monitor for him anyway, because we both really wanted access to what was going on with him in his crib.

This brings me to what happened last night.

We put Nur to bed at 7:30, as we always do.  I read him 2 books, and sang a few songs as he laid on my shoulder and his breathing deepened.  I laid him in his crib, and walked out of his room.  This began the waterworks.  The past few days he has cried for a bit, so this wasn't unusual.  He proceeded to cry for about 10-15 minutes and then went silent.  I snuggled up to T and we watched an episode of Madmen.  Half way through the episode, I looked at the monitor, and Nur was still standing in his crib, holding the railing, and rocking back and forth.  Hmm. . . He was completely silent.  If I didn't have the video monitor, I never would have known. 

I went in his room and rubbed his back, and he fell into a deep slumber and I tiptoed out of his room.  I then went to bed, as I was exhausted.  At 9:30pm, Nur woke up and cried for a few minutes.  I looked at the monitor, the crying stopped, and I went back to bed.  I'm an obsessive monitor checker, and at 11:30pm, I checked again, and he was STILL standing up, rocking in his crib.  Okay, granted.  I can't be sure he rocked for the whole 2 hours, but my gut is telling me he did.  He rocked alone in his crib, in a pitch black room, for 2 hours.  Alone.  Completely alone.  We intervened at this point, all woke up tired and red eyed, but mostly, I just feel sick to my stomach.

I then made the mistake of speaking about this to a family member.  A family member who has never adopted, and thinks these are normal toddler issues and that I shouldn't intervene.  A family member who thinks that adopted children don't need to be parented any differently than biological children.  Well, I disagree with all of this.  I've never heard of a toddler self soothing for 2 hours.  Alone, in silence.  Most toddlers I know will yell out mama, or something.  But not Nur.  He was completely silent, and today, I feel physically ill and that I failed him.

I don't know what T and I are going to do.  But I do know that we need Nur to know we are there for him, always.  I know he knows this during the daytime, but at nighttime, he needs to know he can yell out to me, and we'll come.  I'm not sure what this new plan looks like, but I know we need one.

Current Happenings

Last week, I got an email from my friend Lacey that she and her family would be in our area over the weekend.  I always get so excited when getting that news, because I LOVE this family!  Their son is also from Ethiopia and was in our original travel group last year.  Taher took the first trip with them, and then the second trip there were mixups in the Embassy, so they ended up bringing their son home two weeks before we did.  But, we still reached out to each other, and they live just one state away, so we vowed we would try to stay in touch.  Nur and their son Bini are the same age (on paper, Nur is about 2 weeks older than Bini) and I believe they even shared a room at their orphanage in Ethiopia. 

Knowing that L and family were coming to town, T and I decided very last minute to throw together a little Halloween party.  So many things out there aren't appropriate for 1 year olds, so it was nice to have a fun celebration come right to our house.  We called a couple more people to see if they could come over for our little party.  Of course some had plans with the very short notice, but in total, we gathered 5 one year olds and an infant. 

Here is Nur with his buddy Bini

We also tried to get a group shot, but TT was being a bit tempermental at the moment, and we were missing a couple kids.  We tried.

Here is TT eating with her cousin C.

These two are two peas in a pod.  I found out my sister was expecting C shortly after my first failed IVF.  I remember my sister calling, and before she could even get the words out of her mouth, I just had a feeling.  My first feeling when my sister told me she was expecting, was happiness for her.  Happiness that I was going to be an aunt again.  But the sadness was there too.  Something that up until that point had been impossible for me, was so easy for my sister, and that was a hard pill to swallow.  But this is just another example that things work out how they are supposed to.  C and TT (I know, I know, their names rhyme) are best friends.  C is 7 months older, and these two LOVE each other.  We have a picture of C on our fridge, and TT points to it daily.  I hope these two are always best friends.

And this is my sister's family.  J, my nephew is only 2 months old, but I have a feeling that next Halloween, he will be Nur's partner in crime.

We had a lot of fun, and a lot of food.  We did make your own sandwiches, we had chips, and halloween cookies and cupcakes.  We had buffalo cheese dip, and witch's hats. We had bags for the kids full of goldfish, fig newtons and animal crackers.  Our last minute party ended up being a lot of fun.

Here is Bini saying goodbye to TT, and TT is wearing Bini's hat. :)

Our children gain so much through adoption. . . but they also lose so much.  I think it is so important to find that Ethiopian connection wherever we are. I am very grateful that we met this family through adoption who feels as strongly about this as we do.  I know so many adoptive parents who get home with their child(ren) and get so busy with life and the friends they already have, that they don't make that extra effort to allow new friends in.  But Nur is and will always be Ethiopian, and I'm so grateful for this family and for Bini.  In so many ways, he feels like Nur's and TT's brother.  We just love him so much and appreciate how many of the same experiences he has with Nur.

On actual Halloween, we went to T's parent's house. 

We got home, and our kids were completely tuckered out.  It was a wonderful Halloween.