Another Holiday I would like to DO OVER

When will I enjoy holidays again?  When expecting Nur and TT, I looked forward to all those holidays celebrating as a family.  Long weekends at my parent's house, or at the Lake.  But I've yet to enjoy one.  In fact, I'm usually left feeling so defeated after holidays, that I have so much anxiety going into them.

Let's talk about Memorial Weekend.  Both T and I got off work early and couldn't wait to get to our cabin where we would be joined by my Mom and Dad, my 2 brothers, and my sister and her family.  I had spent a couple days getting ready for the road trip.  I couldn't wait.  I packed bags, went grocery shopping for all sorts of things for the kids, and by noon, we were headed 3 hours north!

We got to the cabin and started having a great time.  My Dad took us all for a boat ride.  Then Nur and TT's cousins showed up, and it was all hugs and kisses, and running around, and laughing.  It was ideal. 

Then it was bedtime.

TT is easy.  You put her in a crib, and she's out.  Nur on the other hand, sleeps GREAT at home, but cannot and WILL not sleep when not at home.  My Mom offered to take Nur in bed with her, and he slept great for a while, but then my sister's youngest woke up to eat (he's about 8 months old) and that woke Nur up, and he proceeded to scream.  I brought him in bed with me, and he still screamed.  It's so weird.  Even when I have him sleep with me or T, he'll still cry like he's scared.  I'll be holding him in bed, and there are still tears.

Well, the cabin is NOT big.  It's a very tiny 3 bedroom, so if a child is up screaming, the ENTIRE cabin is up.  Nur finally setled down at 4:30am.  He cried for 2.5 hours.  2.5 hours. 

I don't know what to do.  This happens every time we attempt to go out of town.  This happened during Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and now Memorial Weekend.  We planned to stay for the long weekend.  Well, guess who took off Saturday?  A day after we got to the cabin?  That would be US.  I spent days preparing for the trip.  And weeks being excited about our trip to the cabin.  But I felt like we had no choice.  I can handle no sleep, but I don't think it's fair for my entire family to get no sleep because of my child.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know at what point Nur will be able to sleep anywhere.  But until that happens, I don't see this family of mine enjoying a holiday.  And what makes me really sad is that TT was having the best time ever.  I don't know. I'm just sad.  I want my kids to have all the happiest memories in the world, and everytime we try to do something fun, we fail. 

My Life is Rich Because of You

The way Nur and TT love each other is so pure and so authentic.  I worried so much as I sat pregnant with TT, and sat waiting for Nur to come home from Ethiopia.  I was riddled with anxiety, and now I realize I really didn't need to be. 

Life has a way of working out the way it's supposed to.  Or maybe, we are so resilient, that whatever comes our way, we find a way to make the best of it.  We find a way to turn obstacles into blessings. 

When someone experiences infertility in any way, even after we have a child, we fear that we'll never be able to give that child a sibling.  Being blessed once is amazing.  But twice, is almost unbelievable.  When I was young, I always envisioned my life with 2 kids.  After becoming pregnant with TT, we were asked many times if we still had plans to adopt.  I never imagined not adopting.  Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.  Listen to that inner voice.

These two are true soulmates.  They want to be near each other constantly.  So much in fact, that I'm not very good at having alone time with each of them, because they prefer to be together.  They are always asking about the other one.  They'll be playing, and one will just stop everything to give a hug or a kiss.  It melts my heart every single time.

Yesterday after work, I brought these two to the park.  As the kids were playing, I sat on a bench, just watching and smiling.  I kept thinking how unfilled this would all feel if one of these loves were missing.  Or perhaps it wouldn't feel unfilling at all.  Afterall, I wouldn't know the true joy that I was missing. 

Wherever life may bring you, may you always find peace and happiness in each other's presence.  May you always value this relationship as much as you do now, and may you always be each other's safe place in life.  May you always accept each other for the exact person you are. 

Another Weekend Gone

This post could also be called the funny sh*t my kids say, "Epiopian" Mama, Nur and TT fight, or a friend comes to visit, but I figure Another Weekend Gone will touch on most of the past couple of days. 

We let the kids watch a show on TV before bed each night.  Friday night, we were all sitting there, cuddled up on the couch, when Nur let out the biggest burp ever.  TT was in hysterics laughing at her big brother.  Then he giggled once, and said, "oopsies." 

We were so lucky, and got a visit from our friend B this weekend.  (And his lovely parents of course)  When B got out of the car, TT started jumping up and down and screaming.  B and Nur were good buddies in Ethiopia.  We love having B in our life.  (And TT gave him about 5 kisses on the lips before letting him depart)

I've always wondered when to start talking about adoption with Nur.  I made him a life book a while ago, and we read that, and talk about it.  But now that he's more vocal, our talks are more fun!  He recently learned how to say Ethiopia, although it sounds more like Epiopia.  We have a picture in our living room of an Ethiopian Woman, and now everytime Nur sees it, he says, "Epiopian Mama."  I asked him yesterday who I was, and he said, "Nur's Mama."  As time goes on, I'm sure this will all begin to click even more.

A few pictures of my daughter.  Because I of course think every little thing she does is the cutest thing in the entire world.

Nur didn't want to feel left out, so he got a turn as well.



I leave you with a video.  Nur and TT get along MOST of the time, but as you can see from this video, we do a lot breaking up arguments in our house as well.  Apparently TT didn't like Nur telling her to be quiet.  And apparently Nur doesn't like TT not sharing the best toy ever! (A toy giving to him by a wonderful blog friend when I was pregnant with TT and met her in Rochester, MN, when she was in town to visit the Mayo Clinic)

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Happy Monday!

In The Grand Scheme of Things

This weekend, I had a bit of a breakdown.  I live in a house that I don't love.  It's a 1955 rambler that T and I bought at the height of the housing market.  Who know what was to come? We certainly didn't.  We were tired of renting in our hip neighborhood, and decide to invest in a house, where the mortgage payment was less than rent in the before mentioned hip neighborhood.  So, we moved into a house, in a not so hip neighborhood, and vowed this would be our 5 year house.  We would build up equity, and move into our dream home, in our dream neighborhood, have kids, and live happily ever after.

I think it's obvious how this story played out. 

Here we are. . . almost 8 years later, in this 1955 rambler.  I don't love it.  Not even a little.  Every year, the value goes down, and every year, we get no closer to paying down the mortgage.  I look around, and there is so much I want to do with the house.  It needs to be painted badly, something we were going to do this weekend, except our painter friend is being uber flakey.  It could use all new windows.  The shingles are probably due to be done soon as well.  And then Sunday, as we were preparing for T's parents to come over for a Mother's Day BBQ, the garage door on our shed completely fell apart. 

Overwhelmed doesn't even cover it.

We also have a bathroom that I'm pretty sure is the original to the house. It's so dated.  The kitchen could be updated as well.  But. . . we hate to put much money into the house right now cause we know we won't get that money back.  So, what's the point? 

I spent too much time dwelling this weekend.  Then I thought about my happy childhood.  I bet my parents felt a lot how I feel now.  So much to do to a house. . . so little money.  But as a child, I didn't remember the state of the paint on my house.  Or the windows.  All I remember is baking with my mom.  My dad playing catch with me every summer evening after dinner.  Skip day spent at the zoo.  Weeks at the cabin, fishing for hours.  Church every Sunday. Mother daughter banquets.  Family meals. Holidays at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  Happy happy memories. 

I hope these are the things my kids will remember also.  I don't know what possessions I will be able to give my kids through the years, but I can give them my time.  And I hope as they grow into adulthood, it will be the time that they remember.

You Will Always Be Enough

The way your smile lights up a room.

The way you laugh as you play.

The way you hug me, and tell me that you love me, at the exact right time of day.

The way you try so hard to be big, when I simply want you to stay small.

Everyday, we face our challenges.  We mostly laugh, but sometimes we cry.  But at the end of the day, you will always be enough. 
Because you are you. And there is nothing better or sweeter than that. 

I Love My Kids

Nur and TT are easily the best part of my day.  They make me smile, laugh, and they constantly give me purpose.

I love how silly TT is.  She recently discovered my iPod, so I turned it on for her, and put the earplugs in her ear so she could listen to the music.  She carried the iPod in her hand, and walked around the house dancing to the beat, and "singing" along.  I of course had a flashforward to TT at 16, sitting on her bed, listening to music, and tuning me out.  Ha! This girl is growing up so fast. 

I love how fearless and cautious Nur is. . . all at the same time.  He's so brave in what he tries, yet he has this mature knowledge that he shouldn't try certain things that he isn't big enough for.  Because of this cautiousness, I rarely am having to wipe bloody knees and deal with bumps and bruises. 

I love TT's imagination and ability to role play.  She loves to grab her purse, stuff it full of her jewelry, put her shades on, and then go find my high heels, and then she pretends to go to work.  She'll open up the door, and say, "Bye Bye.  TT work."  I make a huge deal out of her leaving. I'll give her a big hug, tell her I love her, and then tell her to make Mama lots of money. :)

I love how kind natured Nur is.  He is so easy going, is just happy most of the time, can find joy in anything and everything, and is just easy at the moment.  I love coming home after work at the end of the day and having this little man run to me yelling "Mama Home!"  Makes my entire day. 

Oh, parenting can be so difficult.  Sometimes I find myself stepping away from a situation and reminding myself to breathe.  But then I look at these faces, and if I can give them half as good of a childhood as I had, I will consider myself a success. 

TT - 22 Months

My youngest is almost 2.  How is this going so fast?  And how can I slow this all down?!?

What can I say about TT?  Well, she is full of personality.  She talks constantly, learns at least 100 words a day, no joke, and is pretty much fully communicative.  She is strong-willed, knows what she wants, and usually knows how to get it. 

She is on the move constantly.  I mean. . . she never rests.  Ever.  (Don't let the above picture fool you!) This past weekend we went to a restaurant for Cinco De Mayo, and there was a live DJ, and TT danced on the tables.  She loves to go to the park, play with her cousins, go for walks, play outside, and her new favorite thing to do is movie night! We watched the Lion King the other night and she loved it.

This girl keeps me on my toes.  Sometimes at night, I'm so relieved when she finally is sleeping! And finally quiet and sitting still!  But then I miss her, and sometimes sneak in her room and just look at her.  Here she is. . . passed out, sleeping peacefully.

Oh, and I need to get serious about the potty training.  She now takes her diaper off after she goes to the bathroom in it, and throws it away, and then asks for a new diaper.  Yeah, she's ready.

I love being TT's mama! :)

Nur is 29 Months

Hard to believe that next month, my son will be 2 and a half years old.

One of the many advantages of having Egyptian in-laws.  All the galabayas a person could possible want. :)

Nur is a remarkable child.  He is sweet, and thoughtful.  He loves to give affection, although he can't be held for long because he is much too busy for that.  He loves his mama and baba fiercely, and his sister too.  He also loves his extended family, and is always ready for a hug when he sees them. 

Nur is also a thinker.  He thinks things through before doing them, and is very deliberate in all he does. He communicates so well, he is great at sharing toys, and he has found the ability to calm himself down so quickly.  When he gets hurt, he'll run to me and wimper, and say, "Mama kiss it."  I'll kiss whatever he injured, and he'll say, "All better."

I am amazed at how intellegent Nur is.  And not only that, but I'm so grateful that he's gained the confidence to try new things.  Nur had a speech therapy appointment last week, and the therapist brought a whistle shaped as lips.  She said that Nur should practice whistling, and that it would also help his other oral skills by mastering this craft.  Nur had no idea what to do with it.  But he kept trying, and by the next day, he had it mastered.  He is a sponge who picks up on so much. 

And not to play into stereotypes, but I'm pretty sure Nur has a future in long distance running.  He LOVES to run.  And run. . . and run.  He can already outlast me (which okay, isn't that difficult) and he just laughs and laughs as he does it.  He will say, "Nur run fast."  It's adorable.

And I also want to point out that on May 4th, our 2 year "referral-versary" came and went.  And it didn't occur to me once that day that this was a day to celebrate. I felt horrible when it occured to me a day later.  So, we didn't celebrate in the traditional sense.  But then again. . . we don't celebrate the day we found out we were expecting TT.  I guess as a family we just need to figure out what days will be celebrated and work on those.

Happy Monday!

Fun Friday Answer Session

My blogger friend Lindsay tagged me in a post.  This incredible woman also helped me cloth my TT.  I like her a lot. . . Although we haven't met.

Here are the questions she tagged me in, and my answers below.

And now for my 11 questions:

1. Name a movie that made you laugh

Bad Teacher.  T and I stumbled across it, and I was dying of laughter.  It was hilarious! And a bit dirty.

 

2. Name a movie that made you cry

Beaches.  Everytime I watch it!

 

3. What sport do you wish you could play but haven't tried?

Perhaps curling.

 

4. Pick a vacation: beach, mountains, big city?

Big city! I'd love to see Rome, Paris, Bankok.  And so many other places. The best vacations are when there are beaches near the big city.  I love that. :)

 

5. What is your greatest accomplishment (besides your kids if you've got them)

My education.

 

6. What music should I download from iTunes next?

I am loving the Killers, Muse, Kings of Leon.

 

7. What book should I read next?

Pillars of the Earth.

 

8. Where do you buy your bras?

It used to be at Bloomingdales, but our local one just closed.  How dare they!

 

9. Favorite yoga pose?

Downward Dog.

 

10. If you could only use one piece of makeup in the morning what would it be?

A foundation. It really makes my face look even toned.

 

11. If you could only wear one accessory, what would it be?

A necklace.

 

Happy Friday everyone!!!

A Year and a Half Post Adoption

Nur has now been home with his family for a year and a half, and I still get emails from time to time from newly adoptive parents who are wondering how Nur is doing, and how we are doing with this adjustment. 

I thought I would dedicate this post to then and now.

The first days after Nur got home were the most difficult days of my life.  I can't imagine these days were very pleasant for my baby boy either!  Sleep was impossible.  There was too much anxiety in him to be away from me for even a moment.  Even with co-sleeping, Nur still woke up once every 10 minutes to look around the room.  I can only imagine what he must have been thinking.

Our early days were spent at many doctors appointments.  Poor Nur endured many shots, months of antibiotics, blood draws, appointments, and check ups.  It was so hard to build trust with Nur when I was constantly taking him to places that inflicted pain on him.  But all of these things were necessary, and that kept us all going. 

Feeding Nur was always one of the biggest stressors of the day.  He had such anxiety about food, that I couldn't get the food in his mouth fast enough.  I also quickly realized that my son had some sensory processing disorders, and was very opposed to most textures.  So, for the first few months, we didn't give him anything but jarred baby food.  He would easily eat up to 5 jars of food at one meal. 

We barely left the house.  It was too much for Nur. He became easily overwhelmed when he was out of his comfort zone, so we really tried to simplify life for him.

Days turned into weeks, which turned into months, and before I knew it, we had been home with Nur for a year and a half. 

Our lives are so different now.

Nur is a confident little boy.  He loves being out and about with people.  He doesn't have anxiety when I leave for work in the morning.  Instead, he gladly gives me hugs and kisses, and says bye bye.  When I get home from work, he greets me with a big hug, and says, "Miss you mama."  He has such confidence that I will return everyday.  That I am forever his.

He now experiences with all different food textures, and will gladly get his hands dirty with food, and can easily feed himself.  He eats when he's hungry, and stops eating when he's full.  Nur has also become the best sleeper.  He isn't scared sleeping in a room by himself, in fact, at times he will ask to go to bed. He sleeps 10 hours every night, and greets me with a smile every morning. 

Nur is confident and sweet.  He knows his place in our family, and I can tell he feels like he is part of a family unit.  His past will always be a part of who he is, but I'm happy that time will also erase some of the fears that his past have given him.

The past year and a half has changed so much, and I have come to realize that children are so resilient.