The Clingy Child

I need advice.  If you read this blog but usually don't comment, I'd love to hear your insight on this one.  I am stuck! the sole purpose of this post is to solicit advice, feedback, whatever you have for me! :)

So, this is my beautiful daughter.

I don't know when it happened exactly, but TT developed stranger anxiety.  I talked to her pediatrician about it, who told me that she developed it earlier than most (the common age is approximately 6 months old and TT developed it around 4 months old) but assured me that it will go away, and most babies are over it by the time they hit 9 months old. 

TT will be 11 months old in less than a week, and her stranger anxiety is improved, but it's not gone.  At least not when I'm around that is.  Her anxiety used to be any time I would leave her.  I remember leaving her with her grandparent's once so T and I could go to a friend's house for a couple of hours and TT apparently sobbed for 2 hours straight.  She doesn't do that anymore luckily. When I do leave TT (which is very rare except when I go to work) she'll cry when I leave, but then she is fine. But if I'm around TT, she is clingy and whiney.  I will put her on the floor to play with her brother, and she will play great if I'm right next to her, but if I leave the room briefly to go do something, she will crawl after me whining, and then try to crawl up my leg.  As soon as I pick her up, the tears stop and she is a happy girl once again.  I know TT is young, so I don't expect her to play independently at this age, but it does amaze me that she doesn't let me out of her sight for even 5 seconds. 

If we are at a family gathering, she won't let anyone else hold her. . . if I'm around.  She will cling to my shoulder so tightly, that I almost develop imprints in it!  She has most likely offended her grandmas, grandpas, aunts and uncles, and even her own baba on more than one occassion.  She needs to be right next to me, usually held by me, and then she is happy.  If I walk away from her, she will scream, whine, and then follow me around until I finally give in and pick her up.

If I'm out of sight though, I'm also out of mind.  I often hear from my family how good TT is when I'm not around. If she can't see me or hear my voice, she'll snuggle with my Mom or Sister, she'll play with toys, have fun with her brother.  But as soon as I enter the room, she whines.  This weekend the majority of my family went to our cabin, and a couple times, I left TT with my Mom and sister so I could golf and go fishing, and apparently, TT was wonderful.  But when I come back and enter the picture, whining and clinginess.  My entire family was convinced she was getting sick because of her whininess, but the truth is, is TT acts like that a lot.

There are a couple theories that have been thrown out.  One, is that because I work out of the home, TT craves me more when I'm around.  I wouldn't doubt this is true.  I do try to balance my work/family life as well as possible, and I even have a job that allows me to be home at 3:45 every day.  And when I am home, I try to be as engaged with my children as possible, and the weekends are spent with them constantly.  T and I rarely leave them except to go to work.  Another theory is that TT developed some sort of anxiety when I left for 8 days to go to Ethiopia to pick up her brother.  She was only 3 months old at that time, but her clinginess did start shortly after I returned. 

I realize this is a good problem to have.  I have a daughter who loves me so much that she wants to be with my constantly.  Not such a bad problem.  But at the same time, I don't want TT to miss out on other relationships because she is so focused on me.  And well, let's be honest. . . sometimes I wouldn't mind going to the bathroom alone, or without TT pounding on the outside of the door for me. 

I don't know what to do.  I do think she'll grow out of this. . . eventually.  T and I have talked about tough love, but I don't feel right with that at such a young age.  I could just not pick her up, but she will scream and follow me around until I do, and sometimes it's just easier to get stuff done while holding her instead of hearing to her scream.  And I do feel guilty because I work outside of the home, so anytime my kids need me, I am there, and I think I my guilt has made me into a bit of a pushover in the mothering department.  My life seems to be ruled by guilt at the moment and that guilt comes from feeling like I should be with my kids all day everyday, and unfortunately at the moment, it is not a possibility. 

Has anyone else experienced this  Any words of wisdom or encouragement?

Add This To The List

My kiddos have survived their first tornado.

T's parent's got to our house yesterday around 2:15pm as they were going to watch our kids for a few hours while T and I attended a wedding.  Our kids were sleeping soundly, T and I were about to head out the door, when the tornado sirens went off.  Okay, I should have panicked a bit more than I was, but this was the 3rd time the sirens went off in a week and no tornadoes had come, so I didn't think this time was any different.  I decided to turn on the television anyway, and of course seeing that I have satellite, no channels came in.  Luckily, my sister who lives in another neighborhood called me to let me know that the tornado was headed my way.  Thank goodness for sisters who are looking out! 

T and I got the kiddos who were sleeping in their cribs, and brought them downstairs into the basement (seriously, all houses should have these), where we got on the internet and watched the storm.  We hadn't been downstairs for 30 seconds when I could see through a small window that it got orange outside, before turning pitch black.  Before I knew it, it sounded like a train was going down our street, and I kept hearing these popping noises, and I'm still not sure where that was from.  But it was loud popping noises, almost like a gun going off.  10 seconds later, it was quiet outside, and the sun came out. 

According to the new's reports, the closest tornado touched down half a block from my house.  There were many trees down, and debris everywhere, but my house, and many others in my neighborhood were completely untouched. 

Parts of Minneapolis have been closed off to the public, and for the most part, my neighborhood is just outside that area luckily. . . although they did close the exit/entrance ramps to the highway by my house, making it hard to get to and from work.  Here are some pictures.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of those affected by this storm, and also with all the people in Joplin, MO, and the people still cleaning up from the storms in Mississippi. We were closer than I would have liked to have been, and let me tell you, having kids makes this mama even more nervous about these types of things.  Praying for all the people who lossed loved one, homes, and all those affected in any way by these destructable storms.

AHHH

Single Motherhood

I was a single mom for about 5 days.  T was in London with his job, and I was mostly alone.  It was an experience to say the least.  He left Wednesday afternoon, and when I got home from work on Wednesday, the silence was deafening.  Okay. . . it wasn't really even quiet.  I had a 17 month old and a 10 month old being PLENTY loud, but I definitely felt the silence if T.  I cried. . . I had my little pity party, and then I got over it and realized it was only for a few days, and I'd survive.

There were challenging moments, but mostly wonderful moments
Challenging:
I had to make a Targ.et run.  It was necessary.  Okay, the truth. . . I made 2 Tar.get runs while T was gone.  The first time, I brought the double stroller.  It made things easier, but it's such a hassle hauling out of the car, getting the kids in it, and then folding it back up to put in the trunk when I'm done.  So the second trip of the weekend I decided to be brave.  I carried both kids into Target, put Nur down so I could strap TT in, and Nur dashed.  Thank goodness for a nice Tar.get employee who helped me.  Whew!

Bedtime.  Usually T and I both take a child at bedtime.  Doing two myself was challenging.  I would put both kids on my lap and read a book.  The problem is, is Nur LOVES being read to and TT LOVES to eat the books.  Nur would get made at her and bop her on the head, TT would then bop him on the head, and I felt like TT was getting jipped out of enjoying story time.

Feeding time.  Yes, feeding two babies at once is not easy.  Nur is especially impatient when it comes to food and he literally screams when I would take a 5 second break to feed his sister. Whew.

Mobility.  Both my kids are mobile now.  Nur is practically a running man, and TT is pretty quick at crawling. They would both go in different directions, and in just a blink of an eye Nur was playing in the cat's water, TT was dumping the cat's food all over the floor, TT was bumping her head on the wall, Nur was dumping the humidifier, TT was going right for the electrical outlets (that we do have covers for but these particular ones have something plugged into it), Nur was trying to climb stairs by himself, TT was playing with our PS3.  Yes, these children are QUICK and it's like they have radar of exactly what they ARE NOT supposed to touch. 

For the past few days, I could be seen around town with a baby in both hands.  I learned how to open the front door while holding two babies, make a bottle while holding two babies, go to Nur's Litt.le Birds while holding two babies.

Mostly my few days as a single parent were wonderful wonderful moments.

We had fun! I took a little time off work while T was gone so I could be with the kids, and not worry about having to gte myself ready for work in the morning while watching Nur and TT.  I absolutely loved every moment with these two.  They are both wonderful children.  Their smiles light up a room, they loved having me home, they loved all the attention from me, they love spending time with each other.  It was also like they were both on their best behaviors knowing T was gone and I was going at it alone. 

Someone said to me on Sunday that I must be very excited for Monday morning to come.  Well, here it is, Monday morning, I'm sitting in my cubicle, and no, I am anything but excited.  TT screamed as I walked out the door this morning, then both TT and Nur waved as I drove away, and as hard as being a Mom is, there is no where I would rather be than at home with my kids, full time.  Maybe someday that will be my reality, but today my reality is my desk job, and wondering what the kids are up to as I create spreadsheets and such.

I am so happy to have T back, and I continue to be in amazement to those that single parenthood all the time.  Or those that stay at home with multiple children.  I admire all of you. :)

They Grow Up So Fast!

This week, Nur turned 17 months old, and just today, TT turns 10 months old.  These babes of mine are getting so old.  It's crazy!

So, this post is all about what these babes of mine are up to!

Let's start with Nur.  On May 3rd, he turned 17 months old!  This child of mine is one smart cookie!  When he first came home, I didn't feel like he understood me at all.  And stupid me! The poor boy didn't know English! Why would he understand me?  So, I used to get a lot of blank stares.  In the last month, something has "clicked" with him.  He understands now.  It's amazing!

Some things that he is now doing:

• He is SO over crawling, and is now a walker.  Okay, I've even caught him running before! He loves to be up on his feet, and he's so good at walking.
• We are currently working on body parts with Nur.  He knows head, tummy, and nose really well.  Next I'm doing toes!
• He waves hello and goodbye.
• He will now pull a book of his shelf and bring it to me or T to read to him.  This boy loves books, and everynight before bed, T reads to him.
• He points to everything.  When we go on walks, our conversations go like this, "Yes Nur. That's a tree."  Yes, that is a bus." Yes, that is a car." "Yes, that is a house." "Yes, I am your mama."  It's so funny! He LOVES to point, and I'm really trying to work on language with him, so I try to identify everything he points to.
• He has been in Early Intervention since he came home. (Also  called birth-3 or 0-3) Well, we have a meeting in a couple weeks to see if he's ready to be cut loose.  They think so because he has come so far, and is already meeting many of the skills he should be for his age group.
• Nur is so ticklish, and will just giggle so loudly when tickled.
• Nur now signs more and all done.  It's funny, because if I happen to say more or done in any part of my conversation, he starts signing it.  This boy is beyond observant!
• Sleeps from 7pm to 6am.  He is put in his crib awake, and will sit and play with toys until he is ready to sleep.  (We know this because we have a video monitor on him)  Then when he's ready to sleep, he lays on his tummy, with his butt straight up in the air.
• Thinks grass is gross.  We have been bringing the kids to the park, and he will do anything in his power to not touch the grass.

Overall, Nur is doing really well.  But to paint this picture entirely accurate, we also struggle with some anxiety issues with Nur.  He has tantrums like I've never seen, and if we don't stay on top of his hunger, he will scream.  If T and I leave the house in his presence, he doesn't deal with that real well.  But, he is making giant strides, and he's such a wonderful little boy!

TT turns 10 months old today.  Double digits baby! Gosh - It seems like just yesterday that she was born, and now she's two SHORT months away from turning 1.  Time just continues to get away from me!  TT is doing so well, and just like her brother, is also a smart cookie!

Some things she is now doing:

• Crawling around EVERYWHERE! And she's getting quick too!
• Pulls up on furniture, walks around furniture, etc.  If I'd have to guess I'd say this girl will be walking by her first birthday.
• Waves hello and goodbye.  Her morning goodbye waves break my heart.  When I leave for work, she goes to our big window, waves, and sobs.  Oh, breaks my heart!
• Starting to get better at eating solids.  Although, she won't touch jarred baby food, spits out her veggies, but LOVES cheddar goldfish and anything else that isn't healthy for her.  (T says this is related to the "crap" I ate while pregnant with her.  Hmm. . . Interesting theory) She still prefers her bottle over everything.
• Complete Mama's girl!  My days with TT are spent with her trying to crawl up my leg.  No really, she tries to CRAWL up my leg constantly.
• Has her first 2 teeth!  On the bottom.
• Has the best sense of humor! She likes to "pretend" to share her toys, and then when you go and grab the toy from her, she'll pull it back and laugh at you. She also likes to put her pacifier in my mouth.  No thanks TT!
• Also signs more.  What is it about babies signing that is so darn cute?

TT is doing so well, and gosh she loves her big brother.  The other night, it was getting close to bed time, and I could tell TT was starting to fade, and she went over to Nur and put her head on his shoulder. Completely melted my heart.  Ahh. . .

I'll end this post with a variety of some recent pictures, but before I do, I want to say if there is anything you ever want to ask me, feel free to leave me a comment.  I've had a few emails recently with questions, and I'd love to do a public question/answer if you ever have questions.

And here are some random pictures. :)

So happy, and so funny!

 Her smile continues to melt my heart.

 That is some flexibility!

 Always a jokester.

 I love his toothy grin!

 Still on the hunt for the perfect pic of these two together. Hmm. . .

 Such a happy boy!

 Playing.

Referral Day!

One year ago today, we received the referral for Nur.  I got to see my son for the very first time a year ago today. 

I can't believe he was SO little!!!

It is so hard to believe that it's been a year.  A year ago, I was sitting at work, 7 months pregnant, and totally not expecting a referral any time soon.  But on May 4th, 2010, my life changed forever.  You can read that post from a year ago here. 

Looking at Nur's referral picture now leaves me full of emotion.  When I first saw this picture a year ago, I loved Nur immediately.  But now I look at his picture, and I am overwhelmed with emotions ranging from pure joy, sadness, and LOVE.  Pure joy because here I am, a year later, and Nur is home and thriving.  Sadness because I never knew Nur at this age, and at the time, it didn't make me sad, but now that he's home, I can feel the emptiness of his early months.  And love because although I loved him immediately, I didn't necessarily feel like his mom immediately.  But I am his mom, and there isn't a second that goes by that I doubt that. 

Here I am.

A year later.

A year wiser.

And here are some of my thoughts on how this experience has been for me.

Adoption is hard
Adoption is much harder than I ever anticipated.  During the process, I remember thinking the paperwork was difficult, the finances were difficult, the waiting was difficult.  All the books I read and classes I attended could not prepare me for how difficult it was to bring Nur home.  Parenting has been the difficult part.  Every other step can't even compare to the parenting aspect of adoption.  Nur is such a lovable child, but there are things about him that I have no doubt are there because of his early circumstances in life.  Things that make parenting Nur more challenging. 

Adoption is loss
The more I fell in love with Nur, the more his situation saddened me.  On referral day last year, both T and I cried as we read Nur's story.  I was sad for him, but now I am utterly heartbroken for him.  The more I love Nur, the more I want to protect Nur from all things bad.  The more I love him, the more I want to go back to day one and change his circumstances.  I love Nur so much that I can't even stomach watching the video I made about his journey home because all I see from him is empty emotions.  I know those emotions were part of his story, but I'm not ready to revisit the emptiness in his eyes.  Not yet.  The pain is still too fresh. I thought I became Nur's mom on May 4th, 2010.  But in looking back, I didn't truly become his mom until the day I checked Nur out of the orphanage in October.  That is when my feelings of love turned into feelings of absolute love and protection for this son of mine. 

Adoption is love
I have struggled with whether adoption is the best thing for these children.  I left Ethiopia wondering if I should have instead invested  money into helping families stay together.  My mind still goes there from time to time, but I cannot deny what a family has done for Nur.  Nur was very well taken care of in the orphanage.  He had wonderful nannies, he was always clean, he was fed often and nutritionally.  Yet Nur was always underweight. And Nur had no light in his eyes when I met him.  Being part of a family has made Nur come alive in every sense of the word.  Nur is now a healthy and an average weight, Nur is so full of love, and Nur's eyes are bright and full of light.  Nur is constantly laughing and smiling, Nur is constantly coming to those he loves to give them hugs.  Nur exudes love and happiness, and I just don't know if this would have been the case without a family.  Family IS everything.

Here we are.  One year past the day I "met" Nur.  He is now 17 months old.  When he came home in October he was the age that TT is now.  It's hard to believe.  Sometimes I think Nur was robbed by entering our home as the older child.  He's always felt older to me, because I was always comparing him to his younger sister.  I look at TT right now, and she seems so little.  But THAT was how little Nur was when he came home to us in October.  Actually. . . Nur was even smaller than that. 

I continue to struggle with am I a good enough mom to Nur? Do I do enough for him? Does he know how much I love him?  Most of the time, I feel like I am enough. But then a wave of sadness will come over me, usually out of nowhere, and I'll feel immense guilt that I'm not doing enough. 

And now I'm able to see the joy in our situation.  Don't get me wrong, I never took my blessings for granted, but sometimes I was too tired and overwhelmed to really reflect.  But I will say this. . . having two children, 7 months apart has been the absolute biggest blessing of my life.  It has helped Nur's transition having a sister in his life.  He is loving towards her, and these two are truly happiest when they are together.  Oh, the fun they will have!

And here is a total picture overload.

Nur's 1st Easter with us! And what a good sport, keeping those bunny ears on!

Family of 4!

Getting very sleepy!

Poor boy is teething. Again.

Nur with one of his many uncles. Oh, this boy is loved!

I just want ONE good picture of these two together! Just ONE!

Hmm. . . this isn't the ONE.

They both look happy, but they aren't looking at the camera.

Holding hands.  Ahh. .. 

Oh, so handsome!!!

Nur- You are SO loved, and SO wanted.  Life simply wouldn't be as joyful if you weren't in it.  Thank you for continuing to bless us daily with your laughs, smiles, and your love.  You are simply amazing.