Referral Day!

One year ago today, we received the referral for Nur.  I got to see my son for the very first time a year ago today. 

I can't believe he was SO little!!!

It is so hard to believe that it's been a year.  A year ago, I was sitting at work, 7 months pregnant, and totally not expecting a referral any time soon.  But on May 4th, 2010, my life changed forever.  You can read that post from a year ago here. 

Looking at Nur's referral picture now leaves me full of emotion.  When I first saw this picture a year ago, I loved Nur immediately.  But now I look at his picture, and I am overwhelmed with emotions ranging from pure joy, sadness, and LOVE.  Pure joy because here I am, a year later, and Nur is home and thriving.  Sadness because I never knew Nur at this age, and at the time, it didn't make me sad, but now that he's home, I can feel the emptiness of his early months.  And love because although I loved him immediately, I didn't necessarily feel like his mom immediately.  But I am his mom, and there isn't a second that goes by that I doubt that. 

Here I am.

A year later.

A year wiser.

And here are some of my thoughts on how this experience has been for me.

Adoption is hard
Adoption is much harder than I ever anticipated.  During the process, I remember thinking the paperwork was difficult, the finances were difficult, the waiting was difficult.  All the books I read and classes I attended could not prepare me for how difficult it was to bring Nur home.  Parenting has been the difficult part.  Every other step can't even compare to the parenting aspect of adoption.  Nur is such a lovable child, but there are things about him that I have no doubt are there because of his early circumstances in life.  Things that make parenting Nur more challenging. 

Adoption is loss
The more I fell in love with Nur, the more his situation saddened me.  On referral day last year, both T and I cried as we read Nur's story.  I was sad for him, but now I am utterly heartbroken for him.  The more I love Nur, the more I want to protect Nur from all things bad.  The more I love him, the more I want to go back to day one and change his circumstances.  I love Nur so much that I can't even stomach watching the video I made about his journey home because all I see from him is empty emotions.  I know those emotions were part of his story, but I'm not ready to revisit the emptiness in his eyes.  Not yet.  The pain is still too fresh. I thought I became Nur's mom on May 4th, 2010.  But in looking back, I didn't truly become his mom until the day I checked Nur out of the orphanage in October.  That is when my feelings of love turned into feelings of absolute love and protection for this son of mine. 

Adoption is love
I have struggled with whether adoption is the best thing for these children.  I left Ethiopia wondering if I should have instead invested  money into helping families stay together.  My mind still goes there from time to time, but I cannot deny what a family has done for Nur.  Nur was very well taken care of in the orphanage.  He had wonderful nannies, he was always clean, he was fed often and nutritionally.  Yet Nur was always underweight. And Nur had no light in his eyes when I met him.  Being part of a family has made Nur come alive in every sense of the word.  Nur is now a healthy and an average weight, Nur is so full of love, and Nur's eyes are bright and full of light.  Nur is constantly laughing and smiling, Nur is constantly coming to those he loves to give them hugs.  Nur exudes love and happiness, and I just don't know if this would have been the case without a family.  Family IS everything.

Here we are.  One year past the day I "met" Nur.  He is now 17 months old.  When he came home in October he was the age that TT is now.  It's hard to believe.  Sometimes I think Nur was robbed by entering our home as the older child.  He's always felt older to me, because I was always comparing him to his younger sister.  I look at TT right now, and she seems so little.  But THAT was how little Nur was when he came home to us in October.  Actually. . . Nur was even smaller than that. 

I continue to struggle with am I a good enough mom to Nur? Do I do enough for him? Does he know how much I love him?  Most of the time, I feel like I am enough. But then a wave of sadness will come over me, usually out of nowhere, and I'll feel immense guilt that I'm not doing enough. 

And now I'm able to see the joy in our situation.  Don't get me wrong, I never took my blessings for granted, but sometimes I was too tired and overwhelmed to really reflect.  But I will say this. . . having two children, 7 months apart has been the absolute biggest blessing of my life.  It has helped Nur's transition having a sister in his life.  He is loving towards her, and these two are truly happiest when they are together.  Oh, the fun they will have!

And here is a total picture overload.

Nur's 1st Easter with us! And what a good sport, keeping those bunny ears on!

Family of 4!

Getting very sleepy!

Poor boy is teething. Again.

Nur with one of his many uncles. Oh, this boy is loved!

I just want ONE good picture of these two together! Just ONE!

Hmm. . . this isn't the ONE.

They both look happy, but they aren't looking at the camera.

Holding hands.  Ahh. .. 

Oh, so handsome!!!

Nur- You are SO loved, and SO wanted.  Life simply wouldn't be as joyful if you weren't in it.  Thank you for continuing to bless us daily with your laughs, smiles, and your love.  You are simply amazing.