What's In a Birthday?

When we received Nur's referral back in May, he was originally given the birthday of December 3rd. But then when Nur was looked at at the orphanage, the pediatrician on staff didn't agree with the December 3rd birthday, and said that he was most likely born in January, so he was given the birthday of January 3rd. Every piece of information we received from that point on, listed his age based on a January 3rd birthday.

Well. . . wasn't I surprised when I received Nur's birth certificate while in Ethiopia and it said December 3rd. I'm not sure why, but I felt crushed. One, because I don't believe it. There is no way that Nur is almost 11 months old. No way. And two. . . I felt like I immediately lost another month of his life, which didn't seem fair.

Upon returning to the US, T and I took Nur to an international adoption clinic in Minneapolis. I told the pediatrician about the mixup, and she agrees with a January birthday. She explained that obviously Nur is small due to his circumstances, but she in no way believes he was born in December, and thinks January is much more accurate.

So, we contacted our adoption agency to ask what changing his birthday will entail. Well, it entails A LOT. We'd have to contact a lawyer, fill out a ton of paperwork, and pay more money. We'd have to get letters from doctors supporting the claim of a January birthday, which our local pediatrician already said she'd write, but still, it involves a lot of paperwork to make it possible.

We aren't exactly sure what to do. We don't want the December 3rd date to come and go before figuring this out, because that may be the date we are stuck with. We really feel more comfortable with the January date, but don't know if we have the resources to legally get it changed. I just keep thinking if we keep the December date. I've always looked forward to celebrating my child's 1st birthday by letting him indulge in cake. Well. . . because he won't truly be a year yet, there will be no cake for him.

I don't know why this is bothering me. I don't want to indulge too much of Nur's story, but I will say that we will never know what day he was truly born. All we know is that he showed up at the first orphanage February 1st.

T and I don't know what we are going to do, but I do want to get it figured out quickly so if we decide to just suck it up and keep December 3rd, that we will be ready to have a huge celebration at that time.

Learning Nur

Starting with a 10-11 month baby is very different than starting with a newborn. He already has a developed personality. A personality that I have no doubt is some nature, and a lot of nurture. He's a real person. Not that newborns aren't, but I remember after TT was born, she didn't really develop a personality until she was about 6-8 weeks old. Nur . . He came to me with a personality, and everyday, I am getting to know him better and better.

Some interesting things I've learned about Khalil:

1. He hates being alone, even for a split second.

2. He is a total cuddler, and is content as can be as long as he's being held.

3. He LOVES to eat. He sucks down 8oz of formula in less than 5 minutes and loves his baby food. His favorite kind seems to be sweet potatoes at the moment. He's never seen food he doesn't like.

4. Going with the food theme, he always cries when the food is done, or if we don't feed him quickly enough. He would eat until he threw up, but of course we don't allow that. So after we feed him, he'll scream, but we pick him up and then he's over it.

5. He loves to look out our big bay window and watch the vehicles go by. He looks so excited everytime a car passes.

6. He has a great sense of humor, and loves getting a reaction out of people. He coughed the other day, and I said, "Oh my!" Then he continued to fake cough for about 5 minutes because he loved doing something that gave a reaction.

7. He doesn't seem to like sharing attention. When I hold TT, he holds his arms out to me and cries. When it's her turn to get a bottle, he feels jipped that he's not getting one, even though he just downed a huge bottle. (I think this is orphanage mentality where everyone is on the same schedule for everything)

8. He loves playing with T. They are great buddies.

9. He hates getting his diaper changed. I don't know if it's the actual diaper changing, but he hates being on the changing table, and almost always cries. I haven't figured out why yet.

10. He is a thinker and observer. He loves just studying a situation.

11. When Nur is scared or unsure about something, he puckers up his lips.

12. He loves giving high five. Whether it's to my hand or my head.

13. He has the softest skin ever. It's incredibly soft!

14. He loves shaking a rattle, and does it very methodically.

15. He loves emblems on shirts, and will put his face right up to a shirt to study it further.

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Have you ever had a day as a parent where things just felt right? You were really clicking with your children, you felt optimistic about the fact that you were being a good Mom, and you actually had the thought that you could pull this off?

I've had those days, but yesterday was not one of them.

Nur was a bit on the needy side yesterday. He has every right to be needy, and I try to meet all of his needs, be there for him for comfort and love. But yesterday, nothing I did was enough. Oh wait, something was enough. He demanded to be held. . . constantly. If he was my only child, I could hold him constantly. But he's not.

I was only alone with my two kids for about an hour yesterday from the time the nanny left from the time T got home from work. When I'm alone with the kids, I try to engage both of them. I put music on, lay a blanket on the floor, and get the toys out. I sing songs to my kids. Usually they like it. Well, it wasn't good enough for Nur to be able to see me. He had to be held by me. Then I had to put him down for a second because I wanted to snap a picture of him in his adorable outfit. He cried bloody murder. You would have thought I was torturing him. Then I would lift him up, and get the biggest smile in the world. Then I would set him down thinking he was okay now, and again, he would cry bloody murder.

Then there was bedtime. Nur was exhausted. You could see it in his eyes. I gave him a bottle and rocked him to sleep and sang goodnight songs. He was passed out. I put him in his crib. He lasted 2 minutes. Then he screamed until T and I went and got him and put him in bed with us. I fell asleep with Nur kicking me in the back, feeling guilty that TT got about 2 minutes of my time the entire day. I know that she had 3 months with me alone. But to go from a lot of time with mama to no time at all, she's starting to wonder what is going on.

TT then got up at 1am. I fed her, and she was clearly in pain. Constipation no doubt. She went from soley breast milk to solely formula. The stress of Ethiopia, and not having time to keep up with my milk supply caused it to go away. . . completely. I took a look at things down there, and let's just say she has a lot of compacted poop. I just went to the pharmacy, and as soon as TT wakes up from her nap, I will be inserting a suppository up there. Poor thing. So, TT never went back to bed, so we just hung out until about 3am, when I hear Nur crying. I go into the bedroom, and T is stripping the sheets because Nur peed through them. I threw the sheets in the washer, and put a new set on, and laid a towel down which is now what Nur will sleep on. He and T then went back to bed. But TT was still in pain, crying, and bearing down. I finally stuck my finger up there which was able to provide a little support. I must say I've never done THAT before. I then bathed her and held her, which she needed.

So yeah, I'm not going to lie. . . I'm feeling a little defeated right now. I want to find a way to give Nur comfort and support. But I want him to be able to sit and play with me in view, without needing to be held. I want to find a way to have special time with TT as well. I'm feeling so guilty about how little attention she is getting. I want Nur to trust me, and I know that will take time.

Yesterday, I lost my patience and was frustrated. I was feeling like a failure, I was feeling like there wasn't enough of me to make both of my children happy. I was annoyed by Nur's neediness, and then I was feeling extremely guilty for even feeling annoyed. I mean, he's had a rough life. Geez. . . I need more patience than I displayed yesterday. I need a constant reminder that things will get better and that he has every right to be insecure. Every damn right in the world.

Yesterday was not a good Mom day.

Bonding: A Two Way Street

Throughout the adoption process, I was very focused on whether or not Nur would bond to us. Every book I read, was more about the child bonding to the parents than parents bonding to the child.

I quickly learned that bonding works both ways, and I wasn't ready for that.

With TT, the bonding began early in the pregnancy. Everytime I had an ultrasound and got to peek at her, I felt like the bonding was beginning. When I started feeling her movements, we were bonding. When I would poke my belly, and she would poke me back, we were bonding. So, by the time she was born, I felt extremely bonded to her already. Not only that, but there is ease bonding with a baby who is brand-spanking new.

Bonding with Nur has been slightly different. First of all, it's hard starting with a baby 9 and a half months old instead of a newborn. Nur already has a personality. His needs are great. He knows what he wants, but I'm still getting to know him, so sometimes I get things wrong.

Although I've been studying his picture since May, I only just met my child, and the bond didn't feel as strong and immediate as it did when I gave birth. Don't get me wrong, I love Nur. He is my son, but I'm realizing my bonding to him will take some time. What has surprised me is how quickly he bonded to me. My kid pretty much digs me! ;) He follows my movements and my voice. He gets upset if I leave the room he is in. During the night he reaches for my face to make sure I am still near.

Each day that goes by, I do start feeling more and more bonded to Nur, which is great. I think I would have been really worried had the bonding and attachment not gotten stronger. I know as the days continue to go by, I will be more and more bonded to him, and I will forget the very early days when the bonding didn't seem as solid.

Has anyone else ever needed some time to bond with their children? Whether biological or adopted?

My Crazy Days

Nur has been home a week now, and we continue to adjust day by day. I'd like to think we are settling into a routine, but that may sound a bit too optimistic. I guess we do have a daily routine, it just changes every day.

Right now, our days look a lot like this:

1:00am - Nur wakes up crying. He is sleeping in our bed, so we just rub his belly and he goes back to sleep.

3:00am - I hear TT through the baby monitor. I go in her room and get her, make her a bottle and go downstairs and feed her with the TV on.

4:30am - TT finally starts falling back asleep after eating, so I put her in her crib.

5:00am - Nur wakes up crying and is given a bottle.

5:30am - Nur falls back asleep

6:00am - I hear TT through the baby monitor. I give her a bottle and she is up for the day.

7:00am - Nur is up for the day.

7:30am - Nur eats breakfast.

8:00am - Kids play together on the floor.

9:00am - TT starts melting. She gets a bottle and is held until she falls asleep.

9:30am - Nur starts melting. Gets a bottle and is held until he falls asleep.

10:00am - TT wakes up crying. Must put Nur down, so he is up too because he will only sleep when held.

11:00am - Nur eats lunch

12:00pm - TT has a bottle

1:00pm - Both kids start melting. T takes one, I take one, and we try to have nap time.

3:00pm - Play time on the floor again.

4:30pm - Both kids are hungry and eat.

5:00pm - Bath time because between the two kids, we've changed about 10 poopy diapers this day, and gone through about 5 outfits each. We bath one, while the other sits in the baby jumper and watches.

6:30pm - Both kids get a bottle and we try getting them to bed. TT usually goes down quite easily, and by 7 to 7:30, she is put in her crib in her bedroom.

7:00pm - Nur is refusing sleep. At about 9:30pm, he gives up and stops screaming and crying and passes out. T puts Nur in his crib.

10:00pm - Nur wakes up crying and wants nothing to do with his crib. T gets him and puts him in our bed with us.

11:00pm - Nur wakes up crying. We rub his belly and he goes back to sleep.

Then the next day begins, and our day starts again, similar routine. T and I still haven't found time to eat, and most days, at about 6pm, we realize we haven't eaten yet for the day. I always do manage to have many Mt. Dew's though. I tell the kiddos it's Mama's drugs. :)

I have so many different thoughts throughout the day too.

I think:

"What were we thinking! This is too much!"

"I hope T doesn't shower today. That means I'll be alone with both kids for 10 minutes!"

"We can do this. We ARE doing this."

"Are both kids getting enough of my attention?"

"We are SO blessed."

"My children are beautiful blessings."

"Oh my gosh! I don't know if I want to cry or pass out."

"How do single people do this?"

"How can such cute kids produce so many bodily fluids?"

"This will get better. They won't be this needy forever."

"How will I get up and get ready in the morning when I have to go back to work?"

"I wish I could stay home with my kids."

"This is all SO worth it."

I just let you into the mind of a total manic. And I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining. I am beyond blessed and not a day goes by that I don't realize that. But I'm also not going to lie. This is beyond hard. But worth it. And I know it.

And some pictures. :)

Ethiopia

It's hard to sum up Ethiopia in one post, but I'm going to try.

Ethiopia is a beautiful place full of beautiful and kind people. It is also a place with rampant poverty that is everywhere.

I stayed at a guesthouse with other American families, and it was a wonderful setup. The staff was amazing, and everything was so organized.

I arrived in Ethiopia late Saturday night, and Sunday, our group took a day trip to the country. Ethiopia has some breathtaking views.

Monday was the day I finally got to meet Nur. It was extremely overwhelming. Ever since May, I had been studying his picture. Now I was actually holding him. He was beautiful and soft.

Tuesday involved another trip to the orphanage to visit Nur, and Wednesday I got to check him out of there forever. I took a picture of him with his nanny, who I could tell loved and cared for him very well.

And here is the group I traveled with. We are all so happy to be holding our long awaited children!

Once I had custody of Nur, I stepped into full parenting mode. No longer could we take site seeing trips. . . instead I worked on bonding with my son. I had a great time with the other families, and I hope we'll always be in touch so my son can always have those relationships with the people he shares such a past with. This beautiful girl was one of Nur's roommates. Nur loved her!

Being so far away from the other members of my family was very difficult, but I am so happy that I'll be able to share Ethiopia with Nur someday. Yes, there is poverty everywhere, but there is also beauty everywhere. People in Ethiopia live with so little, yet they are so happy. It makes me realize how I could do without a lot of what I have, and still be fine.

Nur has been home for almost 4 days, and I can't wait to tell you all about how bonding is going, and how it is having 2 infants in the home. I'll give you a preview. . . life is CRAZY!

There's No Place Like Home

Ethiopia is a beautiful country, and I will always be happy that I made the difficult decision to go there, because now I will be able to tell Nur that he comes from a beautiful place. His first home is a place of raw beauty, the kindest people I have ever met, and a rich culture.

Meeting Nur for the first time was emotionally overwhelming. It was wonderful, and every day since he has opened up to me more and more.

I can't wait to tell you all about my travels and about how little Nur is doing. But for now, there are about 100 loads of laundry to be done, paperwork to be filled out, and babies to hold.

It's good to be home!

I Met My Son

It was amazing. It was very emotional. For the past few months I had been studying his picture and it was very surreal actually holding him.

I cannot wait to get back and share this journey with all of you. It's been very amazing, extremely emotional, and very eye opening.

Today IS The Day

Today I get to meet my son.

It's a happy and overwhelming feeling that is so hard to describe. The emotions are so similar to what I felt when I knew I was going to meet TT on her birth day. It's amazing how little difference there is between adopting and birthing a baby. Truly. The love is intense. The emotions are painfully raw. The love is the same.

I remember waking up early in the morning on July 6th, the day TT was born. My water had broken at 10:30pm the evening before, and I was in the hospital. I was given painkillers to help me sleep, as the nurses wanted me to get a good night sleep as the next day would be physically exhausting. Sleeping in a hospital is hard. Sleeping in a hospital with fetal monitors is really hard. I woke up early that morning, and knowing my Mom would be up as well I sent her a text. We texted back and forth, and she was so excited for her youngest daughter to be in the hospital, about to give birth. The joy was coming out of my pores. I had waited for this day for what felt like my entire life. I still have the text I sent my Mom at 5:00am on July 6th.

Me: I get to meet my daughter today! I am so blessed!

And today, along with my Mom, I get to meet my son.

The joy is the same. Two different approaches have led me to the greatest thing I will ever do.

Be a Mother.

Safely in Amsterdam

My Mom and I are safely in Amsterdam. We both had upset stomaches on the way here. We can't figure out if was the beer, vodka tonics, gummy bears, combos, wine, or the bad plane chicken, or reeses peanut butter cups. Hmm. . . or maybe it was just the extra turbulent flight we experienced.

We have about 3 hours until we depart on the next leg of our flight. . . which will bring us to Sudan. And then finally to Ethiopia.

Saying goodbye to TT was awful. I was sadder than I thought I would be. Okay. . . who am I kidding, I knew I would be sad. But it was awful. :( She and T stood outside and wove as I drove away with my Mom and sister. I know she is in good hands though.

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers on this journey. I am now only 2 days away from meeting Nur!

We are going to walk around the airport now and avoid any junk food we see. We both realize we over did it on the junk food.

I hope I'll be able to update in Addis Ababa as well. :)

Bon Voyage

I'm headed to the airport in a few hours. I'm just sitting at home with TT while she takes a little nap. Then T will be getting home, and he and TT will be taking me to the airport.

It's hard to believe how long I've been waiting for this day.

It's also hard to believe how I can be feeling such torn emotions at the very same time. EXCITED to finally be meeting and taking physical custody of my son. SAD to be leaving my baby girl in just a few short hours.

I hope I'll be able to update in Ethiopia. Until we meet again. :)

The Gift of Life
I didn't give you the gift of life,
But in my heart I know
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it has been so.
For us to have each other
is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you
The Gift of Life,
Life gave me the gift of you.
-Author Unknown

All My Bags Are Packed, I'm Ready To Go

And won't T be surprised when he learns that I'm smuggling TT into the suitcase and she's coming with!!!
Okay, not really, but it was an idea!

It's crazy. . . when we first started this adoption process, I dreamed of the day T and I would get on a plane together. . . excited and anxious about meeting our son. Things have played out very differently. Instead, the process got changed requiring two trips, and I got pregnant, and TT was born. So, here we are. . . I'll be heading on a plane with my Mom, and T will be home with TT. It's very different than I imagined, but I have peace that we are doing what we think is best for our family.

So . . . packing! It was really easy to pack for Nur. I packed diapers, a lot of clothes, both long sleeved and short, pajamas, sleep sacks, socks, books, a couple of small toys, bottles, wipes, diaper rash ointment, lotion, bath stuff, baby tylenol, bibs, burp clothes. . . Am I forgetting anything? I decided to buy his formula in Ethiopia as I've heard from others that it is best to buy it there so not to change them on their food because it can cause major blowouts.

I'm almost done packing for myself. I've checked the weather, and it's supposed to be about 73 and sunny during the day, and about 55 at night. So, I'm thinking layers. I'm also going to bring a journal so I can document my entire trip. . . as that is something I want to give Nur someday. I'm also bringing a video camera, as I really want to capture the moment I meet my son. T had someone capture the moment he met Nur, and it is something I will treasure FOREVER.

Any last minute suggestions on things I absolutely must bring?

I feel as ready as I'm ever going to feel. I'm so happy that we are finally at this point and that Nur will finally be coming home. I'm emotional about leavings two very important members of the family behind. I pray that T will do a good job being a single parent for the week, and I pray that TT has fun with her baba and hardly notices I'm gone. I also pray that T won't have trouble asking for help. I know he'll do a great job, but I also know it will be overwhelming doing it all himself. I'm mostly emotional about meeting Nur. I'm trying to have realistic expectations about it. Just because I'm over the moon excited to meet him, I shouldn't expect the same reaction out of him. I'm a stranger to him. It will be completely normal if he is scared, cries, and wants nothing to do with me. This will be a process. But I have so much comfort in the fact that for the rest of my life, I get to be him mama.

Tomorrow is going to be crazy emotional. Okay, all week I've been extremely emotional. I have no doubt that I will be that person at the airport crying my eyes out. I'm not ready to leave my baby (Not sure if I'd ever be ready) but I also know that me going to Ethiopia is necessary to get the missing person in our family home.

A Year of Change

The amount of change that I have experienced this year is astounding to me. I'm so thankful that I've been blogging so I can remember just how much change I have experienced.

A year ago, I was in Ireland with T. A trip to celebrate life and our new reality. We were almost done with the paperwork to get on the waitlist for adoption. It was a wonderful and reflective trip. I blogged about coming home, and feeling tired and under the weather. Hmm. . . I wonder what was causing that?

On October 26th, T and I mailed our dossier paperwork to the agency. Four days later, I got to share the best message ever with T. I got to wake him up, and tell him that I was pregnant. At the time, that was the best and happiest message I've ever been able to tell someone. And do you know how blessed I am? Just a few months later, I got to deliver an equally wonderful message, when I got to call T on the phone and tell him that we have a son.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the amount of change that has happened in the past 365 days. I went from starting this blog to talk about the adoption process, to finding out I was unexpectedly pregnant, to getting a referral of a beautiful baby boy, to giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, to T going to Ethiopia to meet our son and passing court, which makes Nur officially our son, and now I am just 2 days away from leaving for Ethiopia to bring our son home.

I know I am not worthy of these amazing blessings. Yet I am so thankful for them. I know that life with two babies 6 months apart will be hard. But I never want to lose sight of how lucky I am. I couldn't have imagined things working out this way, but I'm so happy they have.

In 2 short days, I'll be headed to Ethiopia, which feels like the final chapter of this story of ours. I feel good to be at this point. I'll feel even better when we are all home and together.

I know I will endure hard and painful days in the future. But for now, I am so happy, and so ready to get Nur home.

A Little of This and That

Poor TT. I'm learning all about parenting, and unfortunately she is my guinea pig.

Want to know what I did this weekend? I attempted to cut those little fingernails of hers, and the little bugger moved, and I managed to cut her skin a little bit. I knew as soon as I did it. I looked at TT and she was silent, stunned, and then she WAILED. I picked her up and tried to soothe her, but she was inconsolable. Then I started crying because I felt horrible that I had inflicted pain on my baby. I FELT HORRIBLE! After a good cry, she was perfectly fine. She smiled at me. Whew! She still loves me! Luckily, there was no blood. Just a little cut that resembles a papercut. Note to self. NEVER cut her nails again. From now on, I'll only be filing them. Lesson learned!


And here are some pictures of some TT cuteness:

Enjoying tummy time. No really, I think she's starting to enjoy it. She doesn't cry everytime now. Success! :)

Just got out of the bath and ready for a little lotion massage. But while she waits, she needs a nice fluffy blanket to keep her warm.

Sitting on Baba's lap is one of the best places to be.


Why do you have me in this ridiculous headband?

Little Gap girl in her cardigan and jeans. Such a fashionista!

TT and I spent a lot of time at Tar.get this weekend. I kept thinking of last minute things that I needed for my trip. I leave Friday! Holy crap! I love TT and I's Tar.get time. As we walk down the aisles, I tell her stories about her brother who will be home soon. I ask her opinion on what I should get him. (People in the store always look at me oddly as I converse with my 3 month old daughter) I'd like to think TT gets it a little bit though. She sits and smiles at me when I talk about Nur. I can just tell that they will be the best of friends. :)

In a Perfect World

In a perfect world, adoptions wouldn't exist.

Mothers wouldn't die during childbirth. Nations wouldn't be impoverished. Children wouldn't get pregnant. There would never be a reason to adopt a child, because orphans wouldn't exist.

Unfortunately, we live in a very imperfect world.

According to a report I saw, there are over 143 million orphans in this world. 143 million. That is 1 in every 13th person. Every 2.2 seconds, a child becomes an orphan.

I don't take adoption lightly. I know how difficult this all may be for Nur when he grows up. I realize he may have an identity crisis. I realize he may have hard feelings that he was taken away from his beautiful country.

I also know what would happen to Nur and the 143 million orphans in the world if people didn't adopt these children.

And although I've said before that T and I are truly the blessed ones to have Nur as our son, I also take comfort in the fact that Nur will now have a home. He'll have two parents who love him unconditionally. He'll have a little sister who looks up to him and absolutely adores him. He'll have grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. He'll have a roof over his head and food on the table. But mostly, he will have an immense amount of love.

The orphan crisis in this world is staggering. I know it's really going to hit me when I get to Ethiopia to bring Nur home, but see all of the other children at the orphanage being left behind. And who knows. Maybe I'll be back someday. I wouldn't discount that possibility.

And although I'm doing so little to help the orphan crisis in the world, I am happy to know that there will be one less.

Dear Nur

In one week from today, I'll be on a plane headed your way. I can't wait to meet you.
I first saw your beautiful face on May 4th, and ever since that day, I've been thinking and praying for you, and have been completely in love with you. I am so proud to call you my son.
Going through all that your Baba and I have been going through in the past year or so, it's so easy to get wrapped up in myself. How will I manage with two babies, how will you react to ME? How will I manage to be away from Scarlett? How will I manage to work and have two little babies?


Nur, I want you to know that although sometimes I do get a little self-absorbed in this process, that you are the main focus. You are the most important piece in this puzzle. And I am considering your feelings in all of this as well.


All you have known for almost your entire life, is the orphanage you live in. You have nannies that take great care of you. You are fed, clothed, and changed. And although I have loved you for the past few months, you do not know me at all. I am going to show up where you live, take you from the arms of your nanny, and cry tears of happiness that we are finally together. I am going to remove you from your orphanage, and take you on an airplane far away, across an ocean and continents. I will look different than anyone you've ever known. I will be speaking to you in a different language. I will smell different. Feel different.


All I can hope for is that you won't be scared, and that you will somehow feel the love I have for you radiating off of me. Your feelings are the most important. I will do anything in my ability to make you feel comforted. I know this is going to be hard for you. I know you are going to be scared and confused.


Through this adoption, I have learned that adoption isn't about me and your Baba at all. This is about you. This is all about your story. I hope you learn very quickly that I am someone you can trust. I will love you forever.