Throughout the adoption process, I was very focused on whether or not Nur would bond to us. Every book I read, was more about the child bonding to the parents than parents bonding to the child.
I quickly learned that bonding works both ways, and I wasn't ready for that.
With TT, the bonding began early in the pregnancy. Everytime I had an ultrasound and got to peek at her, I felt like the bonding was beginning. When I started feeling her movements, we were bonding. When I would poke my belly, and she would poke me back, we were bonding. So, by the time she was born, I felt extremely bonded to her already. Not only that, but there is ease bonding with a baby who is brand-spanking new.
Bonding with Nur has been slightly different. First of all, it's hard starting with a baby 9 and a half months old instead of a newborn. Nur already has a personality. His needs are great. He knows what he wants, but I'm still getting to know him, so sometimes I get things wrong.
Although I've been studying his picture since May, I only just met my child, and the bond didn't feel as strong and immediate as it did when I gave birth. Don't get me wrong, I love Nur. He is my son, but I'm realizing my bonding to him will take some time. What has surprised me is how quickly he bonded to me. My kid pretty much digs me! ;) He follows my movements and my voice. He gets upset if I leave the room he is in. During the night he reaches for my face to make sure I am still near.
Each day that goes by, I do start feeling more and more bonded to Nur, which is great. I think I would have been really worried had the bonding and attachment not gotten stronger. I know as the days continue to go by, I will be more and more bonded to him, and I will forget the very early days when the bonding didn't seem as solid.
Has anyone else ever needed some time to bond with their children? Whether biological or adopted?
12 comments:
I remember when I first held Emma. I didn't feel what I thought I would and it made me sad. It was such an intense moment and it took several days to feel like she was mine. I thought something must be wrong with me. I had looked at that little face for months and then when they handed her to me, it wasn't the same little face. She was sick and so tiny and so sad, and I was literally afraid that we had made a mistake. Luckily, that didn't last long.
After we got home she slept in our room in her crib right next to my side of the bed. Every night she would wake up and just reach for my hand and hold it for hours just to make sure I was still there. That's when the bonding really gets real.
Having had 2 bio kids, I was so afraid I wouldn't feel the same but I can honestly say that after some time, that is not a concern at all. She is all ours and I couldn't love her more.
I had twin boys when my little girl was 22 mo old…I have so been there when your whole world gets turned upside down in a heartbeat.
Regarding bonding…Yes, I had difficulties bonding with my twins.
When my daughter was born, it was after a lot of heartache (miscarriages) and a worrisome pregnancy (had received some bad numbers on my triple screen), so when she came out happy and healthy, I honestly felt like the happiest and luckiest person on the planet. She was super easy and I bonded to her instantly. I still look back on that first year with her as the happiest time of my life. “This is so easy!” I thought.
When the boys were born, I had a huge wake up call. I had some pretty severe post partum depression, then got sick and ended up in the hospital. I was physically, emotionally and hormonally overwhelmed. I did not bond with them instantly. They made different sounds than my daughter had. They smelled differently. They cried a lot, wanted me more. I wondered why I had ever thought having another child was a good idea. I felt that I was not cut out to be a mother to three, that it would never get better, that it would never get easier. I resented them, in a way, as I wasn’t able to devote much time to my daughter. Guilt, hormones and lack of sleep do not make a great mix.
When I did end up sick in the hospital and torn away from them when they were 1 month old…(http://familyworkcaffeine.wordpress.com/2007/05/16/moving-forward/) I was in a way relieved. It’s hard to admit that, but quiet frankly, I was very sick (pneumonia) and really, really, just needed to sleep. When I looked back at your hourly list of the day yesterday, I have to say that it brought me back a little bit to those early months when the twins were newborn and Sofia was not yet 2 yrs old. It was ROUGH.
The best advice to you is to take care of yourself. I know that’s easier said than done, but you don’t want to get sick. Also know that it will get better.
I did start bonding to the boys after a few months and things got progressively better. http://familyworkcaffeine.wordpress.com/2007/07/05/the-days-of-summer/
Today, that time is a dark blip in my memory, but I just wanted to share it with you as I know that as much as you are loving being a mommy right now, having your whole world turn upside down overnight is incredibly difficult.
(((hugs))) Hang in there and if you ever want to chat or have questions – momlissa07@gmail.com
~Melissa
I'm so glad you're talking about this. We adopted our son at only two weeks old, but bonding has been difficult for me. Of course I adore him, but that closeness, bonding feeling has been hard to come by for me. And, it's not something you can really talk about because people are quick to judge. My husband has bonded quicker to him...but it's a slower process for me. He's such a serious baby...and that's hard for me to get use to. I hope I'm not the only one...I'm trying!
YES! Our adoptive son is 7 weeks and it wasn't until about 2 weeks ago when I thought I love him more than words can tell.
I was pregnant last year year and gave birth to my daughter, but she died. Your right, your bond strong because the baby is with you from the beginning...
With our son it just didn't happen right away and I felt terrible. My husband kept assuring me that it would come. He was right! Did you know that there is post partum for adoptive parents? My adoption agency warned me of it. I never thought it would happen to me. But I do think I had a little of it.
Give yourself time and know that it is completely normal. I went through it and felt terrible, but I kept pressing through and now things are great!
Hi Leah, I also had love in my heart for my little one, but the motherly love had to grow. The bonding takes time. Around one month I felt that I could really honestly say that I could not imagine my life without her and wouldn't give her up for anything in the world.
Give yourself a few weeks and re-evaluate. It is so cute that he knows who his mommy is.
All the best!
For quite a while I felt like I was babysitting someone else's child. It can take time and that's okay. Your experience is quite unique, and it must be difficult to not compare the two very different bonding processes that you have gone through in such a short space of time.
I think it as; love at first sight compared to falling in love with someone who has been a friend for many years. Both get you there in the end.
Yes, I agree...the attachment process is definitely a two way street and I was way more prepared for our son (adopted from ET, home now 3 months) to have a hard time...not me =) Instead, it was much more the opposite. He is attaching great...me, not as much. I realize that I am "choosing" to love him instead of just "feeling" the love and trusting that those feelings will merge in time. Already in 3 months we have come so far...I can't imagine what another year will bring.
Best to you and your family!It does get easier!
So glad you are talking about things like this and for the wonderfully helpful comments. I wonder about what this is like all the time since we haven't been matched yet. Thanks again!
I actually bonded more quickly with our youngest. We brought him home (actually a hotel) with us at two days. My husband and older son left after a few days so it was just us in a strange state for a week and we really bonded. My oldest (bio) was born prematurely and spent a long time in the NICU and I couldn't even hold him for a week then after that he was wired up and so small. I am glad you posted this so I can be prepared for our next adoption when we will be adopting an older infant or toddler.
I don't know firsthand about the adoption process, but I know that I have been sad about how long it has taken me to really feel like I am in love with my daughter. I think as a mother, or mother-to-be, we have such unrealistic expectations about what will happen when we first hold our child, whether adoptive or biological. And it just can't ever be like our fantasy, especially when the fantasy is part of years of struggling to have a child. You're doing great, Leah. You amaze me!
As birth mom to our 2 year old son, I was bonded to him day 1 and never looked back. I would have died for him the moment he was born (or even while pregnant, but you get my drift). My partner (the bio mom but the non-carrying mom to our son, we used her eggs) loved our son dearly the minute he was born of course, but it took a bit for her to "bond" per say. I carried him for 9 months, breastfed him for 6 months once he was born, etc. So it took her a bit to "bond" to him...if that makes sense.. So I get it! Now SHE is pregnant (17 weeks with MY EGGS this time) so we have reversed the whole process. I am often curious how everything will be once our daughter is born! I already love her dearly and can't wait for her arrival.. but I wonder if my bonding will be different than it was my son's since I am not carrying and delivering her. I am so glad we are both experiencing the opposite though.. because it is a very neat journey. Thanks for posting this..I love that you are so real with your feelings! Your family is beautiful and I know you will continue to bond with your son everyday!!
Absolutely! I was also surprised that my boys attached to me so quickly, but compared to what it feels like now at five months home, that initial bonding was more just desperate need, and it was exhausting and full of conflict, which was NOT easy to bond with myself. Give yourself time! It WILL happen! Melissa Faye Green has a really good post on her blog about this. Not sure how you even find time to post on your own blog, let alone read someone else's, but you might want to check it out if you haven't read it.
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