In Preparation

This weekend will involve packing and preparing for T's trip to Ethiopia on Sunday. He is nervous (You'll hear more of his thoughts when I publish his guest post next week) and I'm sad that he will be experiencing this himself. I mean. . . the emotions of meeting our son for the first time, I can't articulate how special and important this is for our family. I can understand how nervous he is. More than anything though, he's excited.

T and I were driving home last night with Scarlett in the back seat, and he said that he hopes Khalil holds out his arms to him when he arrives at the orphanage to meet him. I told T those expectations are a bit high. Yes. . . we've been dreaming of this boy for over a year, but he doesn't know us, and that is something we must realize and accept. I take comfort in the fact that he will know us though. We will bond and he will know us as his parents. . . in time.

T is also very sad to be leaving Scarlett. He's a wonderful father and it's so obvious how in love he is with his little girl. I'm sad for him that he's leaving Scarlett, but I promised him I would talk about him constantly and we'd even call his cell phone just so we can hear his voice on his voicemail. I know how he feels though, as I ponder leaving Scarlett to go back for the second trip. In a perfect world, we'd never have to leave our children, but I know both Scarlett and Khalil will love us forever, even if we have to leave them both from time to time.

T is also sad that he'll have to leave Khalil. Our orphanage only let's the parents visit for less than 2 hours, and they suggest we don't visit him in the orphanage daily while in Ethiopia. They don't want Khalil to start bonding with us yet. . . afterall, T will have to leave him there after a few days. They really don't want the bonding to occur until the 2nd trip, when we can take him in our arms for good.

And then there is the separation between T and I. I'm less nervous about that one. We've been separated many times by continents before. Early on in our relationship, T went to Egypt for a month with his father. It was the LONGEST month of my life. Then I went to Norway a few years later to visit girlfriends and T stayed at home. I'll miss him like crazy, but it will be okay.

I have no doubt that he is going to have the experience of his life. Although T has been to Africa many times, he's never been to sub Sahara, so I know it will be a whole new experience. I'm glad that he's traveled so frequently however, because I think going to Ethiopia will be a less of a culture shock than it would be for some. . . although I still think there will be shock involved.

I love you T, and I wish you the safest of travels on this most important journey. And I assure you Scarlett and I will be well taken care of while you are away.

My Funny Girl and Other Musings

I wanted to start off with a pic of my girl. This is how she sleeps. What a little poser! :)

I just want to thak everyone who took the time to comment on my last post. I really appreciate all of your different perspectives on the subject of whether or not I should go to Ethiopia for the 2nd trip to pick up Khalil. I read and pondered each and every comment, and I am just so appreciative of all the different perspectives that were presented.

It's basically all I've been thinking about the past few days, and I think I've reached a decision. I have been very torn over my head and my heart. My head is telling me one thing, but my heart is telling me something else very different. I'll share my decision soon. The only reason I don't want to share today is because it may change in the next hour, day or week. But I will share.

In other news, one week from TODAY is our court date! WOW!!! I really can't believe it! ONE WEEK! In just one week, T will be standing in front of a judge in Ethiopia, and the decision will be made if Khalil will officially and legally be OUR son. Very exciting, and very overwhelming. I just pray for no complications at all.

The Best Laid Plans

I'm a planner and a bit of a control freak. (Shocking, I know!)

When I found out I was pregnant on October 30th, I started planning like crazy. I wanted to make sure that I would be able to deal with a pregnancy and adopting, because it was very important to T and I that our adoption plans were not halted.

Then Ethiopia changed their laws which would require us to travel to Ethiopia twice. Again, I rolled with the punches and planned like crazy for how this would all work out. It was decided that T would travel to Ethiopia for court, and then I would travel with my Mom to Ethiopia for the embassy appointment and to bring Khalil home for good. In theory, this all sounded like a great and managable plan. A plan that would allow both T and I to see Khalil's birth country, and a plan that would assure one parent would be home with Scarlett the entire time. Yes, a good and fool proof plan, right?

When I would tell people the plan, many people would just laugh at me, and say, "We'll see if this remains your plan once your daughter is born." I always laughed right back and explained to them how my children are equally important to me, and that my baby girl would just have to be without her mama for a week while I pick up Khalil.

I really thought I had it all figured out. But the one thing I didn't account for was my emotions. The entire pregnancy, I built an attachment to my baby girl in my belly, but I also kept her at an arm's length. You know. . . just in case something went wrong. When she was born and I finally was able to hold her and look in her arms, I fell completely in love. . . to a degree that I didn't think was possible. My heart absolutely melted and in a heartbeat, she became my life.

And in that instant I realized. . . I didn't think I could leave her for a week to go to Ethiopia.

I told T this, and he said he would gladly go back for the second trip, and my Mom said she would gladly travel with Taher to bring Khalil home. So, I've received no pressure from outside sources. There IS a way around this that will allow me to stay home with Scarlett. But, I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. I should go to Ethiopia. I know my Mom will have a much more fun trip with me if I go. I know I'll always appreciate seeing where Khalil has lived the past few months and visiting his home country.

But logistically, I don't know how my heart will allow me to leave Scarlett for a week. I don't know how I would manage to continue breast feeding her, which is very important to me. Sure, I could store up breast milk for her for when I'm gone, but how will I manage to continue pumping while I'm gone? Pretty sure there is no where to plug in a breast pump in an airplane. And I've had bad luck with adaptors/converters in different countries, so I'm not sure if the breast pump would work so well in Ethiopia. And I'm just not ready to be done breastfeeding, especially since I'm guessing we'll be in Ethiopia in September, and Scarlett will only be 2 months old by then.

My Mom and T keep reminding me that a decision doesn't need to be made immediately, and I realize that. But. . . It's on my mind constantly, and a part of me wishes someone would just make the decision for me. Because I know whatever I decide, I'll beat myself up about the decision.

Life These Days

A post with a little bit of everything. . .


1. I have a couple friends traveling to meet their children right now. I am SO excited for them!!! One is in Ethiopia for a court date and she got to meet her son for the first time! Wow! And another is in South Korea meeting her son for the first time! It's so fun to be watching these stories come full circle. So many of the journeys I have been following since my journey began are coming to an end. Or I guess I should say one chapter of the journey is ending, and another beginning.

2. T leaves for Ethiopia in less than a week. He and I have A LOT to do to prepare for his trip still. We have paperwork to fill out, forms to get notarized, bags to pack. Yes, a LOT to do! I'm not looking forward to being a single parent for the week, but at the same time, I'm so excited that T is going to Ethiopia, meeting OUR SON, and finishing another crucial step in this process. T is planning on bringing a video camera and taking video of Nur. I honestly can't believe that in a week, T will be meeting Nur. It's just been such a long time coming. And it's finally going to happen.

3. Right now, I live my life in 2 hour increments. I feed TT, then she usually dozes off, while I run around the house and try to accomplish things, and about 2 hours from when the previous feeding started, TT starts stirring and it's time for feeding again. I often wonder if babies get bored. I mean, I try to engage her as much as possible when she's awake, but she isn't real interactive yet. We go on walks, she sleeps, and the other day, T and I took her to the Minneapolis sculpture gardens, where again, she slept. But. . . we did manage to get some nice pictures.






Life is good, but it's also overwhelming at times. I'm learning a lot about myself. For example, I always thought I loved change. And in most aspects of life, I do. But I'm having a hard time adjusting to the major life changes occurring in my life. Everything is different, and it's taking me a while to adjust. My emotions have definitely balanced out a bit, which is great, because the first few days, I was a hot mess. I'm hoping everyday, I start feeling better and become more myself.

The Whirlwind that is Life

On days I write a blog post, I usually don't have time to comment on other people's blogs, which I love to do. (And even though I'm not commenting much right now, I am reading, I promise) And on days I take the time to comment, I run out of room to blog myself. Such is life.

Life is good. It's busy. It's a crazy adjustment. I am still trying to figure everything out right now. I'm trying to navigate through my new reality, but I'm also trying not to get too comfortable in my new reality, because this reality will become a different reality in no time at all.

Next week my goal is to be a better blogger because I have A LOT to say. (Surprised? Probably not. Hee hee) Next week I want to touch on T's trip to Ethiopia that is just around the corner, preparing for Nur to come home, talking to TT about her older brother, having children, maintaining a sense of normalcy, and I want to share super cute pictures of course.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Friday, and thanks for sticking with me through this major life adjustment.

A Day in the Life

These past two weeks I've been trying to establish some sort of routine. I haven't been real successful and realize that routines are hard to have when your baby screams of hunger every two hours.

Right now, I am feeding TT about every 2 to 2.5 hours, and my days consist of figuring out what to do between those feedings when she is for the most part pretty sleepy.

Do I sleep?

Do I sweep and vacuum?

Do I get on the internet?

Do I eat?

Do I shower?

Do I run to Tar.get?

Do I do the bills?

Everyday I set goals for myself and everyday I manage to accomplish a couple of them, but not the whole list. A lot of times, I forgot about the list all together, and spend TT's naps holding her and watching her sleep and dream, or breathing in her oh so fresh baby scent. I also spend time staging photo shoots while she's awake because I can't get enough of her beautiful big brown eyes.

I'm also starting to feel more normal everyday. I love being her mama, and I know she isn't going to be this small for long, so I'm trying to memorize every little squishy feature of my daughter.

She has brought so much joy to T and I's lives.

What's Next

A lot of people have asked us what's next? What happens after court? So, here is how it goes to the best of my knowledge.

T leaves very soon for our August 5th court date. When T is in Ethiopia, he'll get to visit Nur for a couple hours at the orphanage every day. He can't wait for that! :) Assuming we pass court on August 5th, Nur will officially be our son. So. . . why can't we just bring him home then? Well, that would be a lot easier, but there is a lot of paperwork that then needs to be filled out at the US Embassy in Addis Ababa that will allow us to bring Nur into this country.
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So, once we pass court, all the court paperwork will go to the US Embassy. The estimate is that once we pass court, we'll get a court date within 6-8 weeks. (Again. . . only an estimate) The Embassy appointment will allow us to bring Nur to his forever home. (And Nur. . . we apologize ahead of time for our nasty MN winters)

We are hoping to have Nur home sometime in the middle of September to the end of September. This is just our best guess, and it could be a little before that, or a little after, but I think our estimate is pretty accurate.

So, potentially, we could be just two short months away from meeting our son. Crazy, right?

Everyday I talk to TT about him. I'm not sure if her 2 week old brain understands a thing I'm saying, but I'd like to think she is happy to meet this older brother of hers. :)

Progress

T has booked his airline ticket! He is going to Ethiopia in just a couple weeks, and will get to meet Nur. It's all so surreal really! I miss him like crazy, and he's not even gone yet. I worry that I'm putting so much on him. I mean, he has to go to Ethiopia alone to meet our son. That just doesn't sound fair to me. Everytime I tell him this, he reassures me that it will be okay and that he is happy to do it. Still. . . I wish I could be with him, but I know I must be here.

All we can bring to Nur is a stuffed animal and a photo album, so I really must start getting that stuff ready for him. I'm also going to send T with a couple different sized outfits, so when we do go for the embassy appointment to bring him home, we know approximately what size clothes to bring for him. (I've heard of so many people getting to Ethiopia and having the complete wrong sizes of clothing)

Everyday I'm feeling a little better. Everyday I realize how blessed I am to be in the position I am, and I am constantly thanking God for these blessings. It WILL be okay. We CAN do this. And we WILL do this. Very very soon.

Has It Really Been a Week?

It's hard to believe it's been a week already since TT has been born. It seems like yesterday. It's been a busy week filled with a lot of learning and a lot of love.

Here are a couple photos of her birth day. The first one is TT getting a bath, and the next one is the first picture of she and I. Wow. . . I look swollen. . . but she looks beautiful. :)

We had a lot of visitors at the hospital. My Mom got to hold her two grandchildren at one time. She is a very proud grandma. :)TT's cousin also came and visited. She hung out in TT's isolette, and it was pretty funny when the nurse came in to check her vitals and found this baby in the isolette. I told the nurse this was my gestational diabetes baby. :)

Our first night home with TT, I had a bit of a breakdown and called my Mom crying. My Mom decided to come stay at our house the entire weekend, and it was SO needed. She had TT sleep in her room and only woke me for feedings, and during the day, she cleaned, cleaned, and then CLEANED some more. She did all those cleaning projects that I never got around to. . . such as cleaning the oven, vacuuming stairs, scrubbing behind appliances. Her presence was an amazing gift. Many hours of the day are spent just staring at our girl. Her every feature amazes us and it's been so fun to get to know her. We are very in love. And TT has enjoyed visits from friends and family. Her cousin is so darn cute. She is always so excited to see TT, that sometimes she gets a bit too excited and waves her arms a little too excitedly. TT got hit right in the head, but didn't even flinch. I hope they grow up to be best friends. :)


And I have to mention there have been A LOT of diaper changes. T and I have both been peed on. I guess that means we are officially parents.
And many night time songs and lullabyes.

Every day, we are learning more and more about parenting. We are very in love with TT, and are trying to find a routine to our days. Unfortunately T had to go back to work, so the last couple days I've been on my own.


I spend my days talking and singing to TT and telling her about the world. I try to nap with her at least once a day, but her other naps are spent trying to keep the house in order. . . which isn't going so well so far.
So far, it's been a wonderful and emotional experience.

Scared

Friday afternoon, T and I were sitting around with my sister and my sis's baby. My sister was nice enough to bring us lunch and hold our baby girl so we could nap. I was my normal weapy self. . . which has been the case ever since having TT. (I hear the baby blues are normal) My phone rang, and right away, the area code showed me that it was the adoption agency. Everytime the adoption agency calls, I usually jump and answer the phone, knowing that I have news coming my way. Instead, I looked at the area code, and put the phone down, and told T that I was too tired to talk to the agency right now. T grabbed the phone out of my hand, and answered. Before T even spoke, I knew what the call was about. We had gotten a court date before the courts would close in August. Isn't that what I wanted? Well, I thought that's what I wanted.

T was beaming from ear to ear while talking to the agency. He then looked at me with pure jubilation and said,

"WE HAVE A COURT DATE!!! IT'S AUGUST 5TH!!!!!!!!!!"

This is what I've been waiting for ever since we started the adoption process last June 25th. T gets to go to Ethiopia and meet our son, and assuming we pass court, Nur will officially be ours. He will be OUR SON. This is what I've been waiting for. So I was completely surprised by my reaction to the news. T went to the other room to continue his conversation with the agency, and I sat there holding TT, and started sobbing. I mean. . . sobbing.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant last October, I knew having two babies would be hard. I knew it would test every ounce of my being, but I also felt like this was the way it was supposed to happen, and I had confidence that it would all work out. But here I was, holding my two day old daughter, and one step closer to meeting my 6 month old son, and I felt sad and terrified.

How could I love someone as much as the baby girl in my arms? How could I give her and my son everything, without feeling like one of them was sacrificing my attention? How could I be a Mom to two babies, when I had slept 1 hour the night before?

I was disappointed in my reaction. No, not disappointed. I was disgusted with my reaction. I love Nur. I want Nur home. I just want a little time first. I want time to get to know TT. I want to give her time to be the only child for a while. And this disgusts me, because Nur is sitting in an orphanage in Ethiopia, and his Mama is sitting here holding her precious baby girl, and wishing she was not going to become a mama to two quite so soon.

I always envisioned my WE GOT A COURT DATE a lot differently than this post. But I couldn't anticipate the emotions I would have until I met TT. Until I experienced motherhood.

Now that I'm a few days into motherhood, I'm just scared. I know that is why I reacted the way I did. I'm really really scared.

The Things I didn't Realize

T and I are home with TT We got released from the hospital yesterday around 1pm, and then came home and took turns napping.

We are adjusting as well as can be expected. Bringing a baby into a family is always a huge adjustment, and I keep telling myself that when I doubt my ability to do this. There are so many things that in my naivety, I just didn't realize. Some of the baby books addressed these things, but I thought I was above these things. Well, I'm not. And this is hard.

I didn't realize how medical having a baby is. I knew it would be hard. I knew it would hurt. But what I didn't realize is that I would feel so poorly after the birth. The first time I saw TT, I wanted to hold her and cuddle with her, but I felt like crap. (Yes, the pain of childbirth does not go away the minute the baby is born) I was laying on the bed, getting attended to, and T was super dad and holding TT. I kept looking over at them and thinking that it should be ME holding her. Then I was having a couple heart issues after the birth, so I couldn't hold her for fear of passing out. It was hours before I was able to hold my girl. I felt neglectful, and I kept having to remind myself that I was a patient too. . . not just TT. I felt immediate guilt.

I also didn't anticipate how much I would love her. The first night, after everything had settled down and I was able to hold TT, I just sat there and cried. (perhaps hormones?) I looked at her and felt sadness because I love her so much. I want her to have the world. I started thinking about her growing up too fast, I started worrying about her getting sick, I started thinking about her going to college, getting married. I just started worrying about things way in the future instead of the practical things like, how the heck do I feed my baby and whether she has had a poopy diaper yet. I became completely irrational. I'm still completely irrational.

These are just a couple things out of the many that have surprised me. There will be more. No doubt, there will be more.

Next week I'll be sure to post more pics. And unfortunately, no adoption updates yet.

A Formal Introduction

This is our beauty. . . TT. A miracle.



It was Monday night, July 5th, and T and I were at home, and I had a gush of water come out of me. I knew it must be time. We called our midwives and let them know we were on our way to the hospital.

We arrived at the hospital at approximately 10:30pm on Monday night. I was starting to get pretty regular contractions but I was only 1 cm dilated, so I had a ways to go. I was given some sleep meds and pain killers and tried to get a good night sleep.

Tuesday morning, July 6th came, and my labor hadn't really progressed much. I was only 1.5 cm dilated, so again, had a long way to go. It was decided that I would have a little pitocin to get labor going again. Once pitocin was started, labor really started progressing, and eventually, around about 10am, I received an epidural, and was able to get some much needed rest.

I woke up in excruciating pain, and it was pretty clear that the epidural was not effective at all. I asked for another one, and the Anesthesiologist came up and gave me another bolus, but that was also ineffective.

At about 2pm, the pressure was unbearable. I got checked and was 5 cm dilated. The pressure kept getting worse and worse. The midwife decided to check me again, even though she had just checked me, and it was go time.

I started pushing at about 3pm. Oh, how I wished I had an epidural at this point, but the one from earlier in the day was completely useless. This is the point I realized there was truly no turning back, and that she had to come out of me. I pushed for a long, hard and painful two hours. The midwives were a bit concerned about TT's heart rate, as she kept going into tachycardia, as did I.

At 4:46pm, TT entered the world. Her baba cut the cord, and the NICU took her briefly to check on her heart. Her heart was fine, and after a while, I got to hold her and study her every feature.

TT. . . You are so very loved and so very wanted. Welcome to the world baby girl.

Introducing

TT
(picture to follow in the next few days, I promise)

She arrived on July 6th at 4:46pm.
Weighing 7 pounds, 4 oz
20 1/2 long

She is perfect.

Can't wait to tell you all more about the birth, my feelings, and everything else involved in this whole crazy experience.

Happy 4th of July Weekend - A Year Ago

Before I started this blog last August, I had another blog. When I started this one, I made my other one private, and hopefully someday I will do something with the posts of my other blog, but for now, it just sits there, in privacy, with my thoughts on many different things.

It is fun to go back and read my posts. What is more fun for me, is reading between the lines of my old posts. I see what I wrote, but in my head, I know what I was thinking and not saying. Because my old blog, I didn't talk about the battle I was going through. It was too raw still, and I was living it too fully. I had to get beyond my battle to put it all into perspective.

Here was my post from a year ago:

"The plan was to go spend a long weekend at a cabin with my sister, her fiance, and friends, but unfortunately, plans changed and T and I are spending the weekend at home. I do wish we were at a cabin, but I’m having such a nice weekend, being productive, and relaxing. Before I hopped on the computer and into blogland, I was reading a lovely book, with the windows open, as the clouds rolled in and the rain started. I love the smell and sound of the rain! Now the rain is disappearing, and the sun is coming back out. A truly lovely day."

So, that is what I wrote. A year ago. But here is what I didn't write. T and I were planning on going to a cabin with my sis and her fiance (her now husband) and were really looking forward to it. But, I had to cancel at the last minute. Why? Because I was in the middle of my last IVF treatment and unfortunately, one of my monitoring appointments ended up falling right on that weekend. It was a sad holiday. Going through IVF was always sad for me. It was always filled with so much hope, but at the same time, it was always filled with so many what-if's. And T and I had decided this would be our LAST IVF. EVER. So we knew that if it didn't work, that would be it. And well, if you've been following my story, you know that it didn't work. Not even close to working.

That was my life. . . a year ago. Life can change quickly, and take on new direction. This 4th of July weekend, I am so filled with happiness and joy and anticipation. I like where I am right now. I am blessed and grateful.

“It is not for him to pride himself who loveth his own country, but rather for him who loveth the whole world. The earth is but one country and mankind its citizens.”

- Baha'u'llah

June Orphanage Update

Every month, I look forward to an update on Nur. Every month, a doctor in Addis Ababa visits the orphanage and checks on all of the children's well-being. The doctor checks their height and weight, does the necessary vaccinnations, and writes a report on how the children are developing.

Every month, this is what I have to look forward to. It's so hard not being with Nur, but it makes time pass so much more quickly when we get to see updated photos and an updated medical report monthly.

Yesterday's report made me smile. Nur is a growing boy! He's still a peanut, but every month he's been in the orphanage he's filled out, his eyes sparkle more, and he's gained weight. This is a major success! He now weighs about 14 pounds. My little boy weighs 14 pounds!!!

According to the Doctor:

"Nur is an active male infant with optimum growth and development. He has good appetite and sleep cycle. He rolls over from stomach to back, imitates speech sounds, makes razzing sounds and reacts differently to stranger. He is healthy and thriving well."

Oh, how that makes this mama's heart swell with happiness.

Our agency also told us that courts close August 9th for the rainy season, and they are almost positive that everyone who is matched with a child will get to court before that date. Oh how I hope! Nur will be 6 months old in 2 days, and I HATE missing his milestones. I need him home with his family.