T and I are home with TT We got released from the hospital yesterday around 1pm, and then came home and took turns napping.
We are adjusting as well as can be expected. Bringing a baby into a family is always a huge adjustment, and I keep telling myself that when I doubt my ability to do this. There are so many things that in my naivety, I just didn't realize. Some of the baby books addressed these things, but I thought I was above these things. Well, I'm not. And this is hard.
I didn't realize how medical having a baby is. I knew it would be hard. I knew it would hurt. But what I didn't realize is that I would feel so poorly after the birth. The first time I saw TT, I wanted to hold her and cuddle with her, but I felt like crap. (Yes, the pain of childbirth does not go away the minute the baby is born) I was laying on the bed, getting attended to, and T was super dad and holding TT. I kept looking over at them and thinking that it should be ME holding her. Then I was having a couple heart issues after the birth, so I couldn't hold her for fear of passing out. It was hours before I was able to hold my girl. I felt neglectful, and I kept having to remind myself that I was a patient too. . . not just TT. I felt immediate guilt.
I also didn't anticipate how much I would love her. The first night, after everything had settled down and I was able to hold TT, I just sat there and cried. (perhaps hormones?) I looked at her and felt sadness because I love her so much. I want her to have the world. I started thinking about her growing up too fast, I started worrying about her getting sick, I started thinking about her going to college, getting married. I just started worrying about things way in the future instead of the practical things like, how the heck do I feed my baby and whether she has had a poopy diaper yet. I became completely irrational. I'm still completely irrational.
These are just a couple things out of the many that have surprised me. There will be more. No doubt, there will be more.
Next week I'll be sure to post more pics. And unfortunately, no adoption updates yet.
29 comments:
I don't have kids yet, but I will someday. Reading about these experiences, the ones that no one seems to really talk about is really intersting.
You are already a wonderful mommy...feel like it or not, the love you have for her in your heart far outweighs anything else. The fact you are so thoughtful about her very far off future is really a sweet thing.
All those fears are so normal. I mean for me I didn't give birth to Sierra but I felt almost all those emotions minus the pain from childbirth of course!! Enjoy your baby girl and once you get into your new mommy routine everything will be just great!!!
i'm happy to hear you're home! it sounds like, surprises and all, you guys are doing well! can't wait for pictures and hopefully and exciting adoption update soon!
Giving birth and becoming a Mom for the first time is an experience that you have to learn by experience.. I don't think any book can fully prepare you for it. And no the pain from childbirth doesn't go away right after. I can't wait to see more pictures of her.
Leah, You and I don't know each other but I know Taher, we went to high school together. My name is Rhonda Bakke (Tadros as Taher knew me). I have four boys, one of which was born on July 6, 2005. I understand how you feel and I promise you it gets better. You will feel very overwhelmed for a while but soon all those feelings that you don't want to feel will be gone. When you feel normal again, that is when the complete joy begins. Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl. You two will be wonderful parents!
Leah, you are not being irrational! What you are feeling is totally normal. My daughter is 6 and I still get overcome with how much I love her and I still get overcome with sadness sometimes too. You already are a wonderful momma. Be gentle with yourself...it does get easier. The first 6 weeks are rough, but they go so fast. I just read an article about Warren Buffet, who said "The greatest gift you can give a child is unconditional love." Do this & the rest will fall into place.
Everything is going to be fine:)
SHE*IS*BEAUTIFUL! and I ♥ her name!
You will have all kinds of crazy emotions, fears, feeling of inadaquacy during these first few weeks, it's normal. Don't let it get you down. Just love on your baby (you can't spoil her by holding her!) and let other people help with everything else.
I'm so, so happy for you all!
Take good care~
♥,Lilly
Congrats! I remember being surprised by how much I was a patient too. I wasn't think about how much birth would take out of me. Then no sleep for a few weeks - it's tough to recover!!! Try to get as much rest as possible and hold tight to that baby girl. They do grow up fast but mine aren't married or in college yet (but my baby starts preschool in the fall - aaahhhh!) so don't worry too much! :)
I have been following you though Tammy and have never commented. All these feelings are totally normal!!!! Some of it is hormones, some of it is the let down from the build up after waiting all this time and going through so much to get her here. It will be okay, you will be a good mom, you will get through it all.
It is such an adjustment, but one you will handle with grace as you have everything else you've been dealt in life!
Sending love and prayers for you, T, and Scarlett!
I sympathize with you. My little guy is in the NICU and I only see him, touch him and hold him 1-2 hours out of 24, and then he goes back, alone, into is incubator. He doesn't hear my voice, he has lots beeping from 4 different monitors.
I hate that it feels like he is in institutionalized care, like Jesse was at Toukoul.
It is brutal. So glad you are home. Happy adjusting to you all.
Also, people don't talk enough about nipple pain. It gets glossed over, just like the plane ride home frmo ET. It's so bad no one wants to address it.
Oh Leah, Yes those hormones are terrible. I remember sitting and sobbing thinking about Brady going to college and he was 3 days old. What gives? Hang in there because it does get better and if it doesn't you see your doctor(spoken like a nurse and mom:) Between the feeding, diapering, sleep deprivation, hormones, and total exhaustion, what you are feeling sounds completely normal. Rest when you can and try to enjoy each moment with your baby. Other things will wait and there is nothing more precious than looking into your baby's face while she eats/naps. Those are THE moments that mean the most.
Take care and hang in there my friend.
Congratulations again :) Thinking about having a baby is one thing...actually having him or her in your arms and realizing you are the one to take care of them is kind of a crazy feeling! Your feelings are all so normal! I still find myself crying and overwhelmed with love, and sometimes fear, when I look at my little guy. Being a mom is an adventure for sure!!! So glad you are home and I can't wait to see pictures :)
You sound totally normal. I bawled for the first 2 weeks after our daughter was born. I definitely had the baby blues. I was happy that I had her but sad that her being born meant now our days together were numbered and I never wanted that moment holding her to end. I was sad because I knew I would not remember every special moment with her and it would just become a blur eventually. After two years though I have to say that some memories definitely do not fade and the birth of your baby and holding her is one of them. Be aware of PPD though - it can happen especially if those sad feeling go on for more than a couple weeks. It DOES get easier and the time flies by. If you need any help pm me on MH. I am free in the afternoons and would love to lend a hand. Hugs-MLB1234
Congratulations on your precious bundle of joy! She is beautiful, and what a lovely name. This will be a time of adjustment and hormones so take care of all three of you. Thinking of you. Heather
I have been reading your blog throughout the last few months and wanted to say congratulations on your sweet Scarlett! She is beautiful. I have 2 bio kids and we just came home 1 week ago with our ethiopian son...and the mix of emotions is quite overwhelming i agree. The best piece of advice I got was not to feel guilty for whatever you are feeling...to allow yourself to process through all the emotions that are coming your way. I am praying for you and your sweet family!
I've been away from the computer for awhile so first let me say congrats!! She is adorable. And about the pain, I've never had kids but I'm a L&D nurse and I understand the trauma of delivering a baby. Hope you get some sleep and are feeling better!!
All those fears are so very normal, it is definitely tough but all so worth it all! Congrats on your precious miracle
The thing I love about you, Leah, is that you're so open. Thanks for that! Can't wait to see pictures!!
i remember with eli, that i had lots of weepy/bawling times. it's hard to describe, and i actually just wanted time to pass so i wouldn't feel that way. it did pass, and it was easier the second time around. i spent a lot of time feeling guilty about sending my sweet boy to daycare. don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. get outside as much as you can, and on little outings if possible.
Scarlet Susan is beautiful. Everything you are feeling is normal. Just breathe deep and know you are a wonderful mother!
I still get teary eyed sometimes after she falls asleep in my arms...and she's 14 months.
I still get teary eyed sometimes after she falls asleep in my arms...and she's 14 months.
I still get teary eyed sometimes after she falls asleep in my arms...and she's 14 months.
Leah, everyone has already told you what your feeling is normal. It is. As much as you may want to worry about the future for Scarlett, please try and live in the now. If you worry too much about the future, the now is disappearing right in front of your eyes. Live in the now, the future will work it's self out. I promise you that. By the way... I still look at my 18 year old daughters face and fall in love with her beauty. That over whelming love never goes away. That is one of the biggest reasons I love being a mommy. Enjoy where you and T are right now with Scarlett, life moves on too damn fast!
don't worry, these are all thoughts that are COMPLETELY normal...and let me just say now, that they don't go away! That's part of this crazy love you are feeling, mine are 7 and 5 now and I still have the same thoughts today!
Make sure you take some time for yourself and don't overdo it. I fell into the "super mom" mode because of guilt of even taking a nap for myself and it backfired. Take that nap and let T take care of you!
Leah....
I wish we could share a cup of coffee (well, not really share the cup but, well, you know) and talk. Especially after having read this post and your most recent one.
You are now on my blogroll so I can keep in touch/stalk/keep tabs. I hope you can feel all the peaceful vibes coming your way right now.
(not enough coffee in my system yet, so bear with me if I sound like an idiot)
I giggle at this post because I was THE EXACT SAME WAY! The whole growing up too fast thing didn't hit me until I got home from the hospital though. Once it did, I couldn't sleep because I was so afraid I would wake up the next morning and Baby Bean would be 16, and I would have missed her whole life. It IS completely irrational, but it was a fear none the less. Just know that the baby blues do eventually go away, and you will regain your sanity. Be prepared for LOTS and LOTS of crying, feelings of inadquecy, etc. Its not only part of being a new mom, but its a big part of post partum.
You'll get your feet under you eventually, just know that it will take a while as you adjust to the major change your life just took. Be kind to yourself.
Hon, it is a HUGE adjustment and it sounds to me like you are normal and doing a GREAT job!!! Just remember... You CAN do this. You truly can.
Hugs...
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