I'm a planner and a bit of a control freak. (Shocking, I know!)
When I found out I was pregnant on October 30th, I started planning like crazy. I wanted to make sure that I would be able to deal with a pregnancy and adopting, because it was very important to T and I that our adoption plans were not halted.
Then Ethiopia changed their laws which would require us to travel to Ethiopia twice. Again, I rolled with the punches and planned like crazy for how this would all work out. It was decided that T would travel to Ethiopia for court, and then I would travel with my Mom to Ethiopia for the embassy appointment and to bring Khalil home for good. In theory, this all sounded like a great and managable plan. A plan that would allow both T and I to see Khalil's birth country, and a plan that would assure one parent would be home with Scarlett the entire time. Yes, a good and fool proof plan, right?
When I would tell people the plan, many people would just laugh at me, and say, "We'll see if this remains your plan once your daughter is born." I always laughed right back and explained to them how my children are equally important to me, and that my baby girl would just have to be without her mama for a week while I pick up Khalil.
I really thought I had it all figured out. But the one thing I didn't account for was my emotions. The entire pregnancy, I built an attachment to my baby girl in my belly, but I also kept her at an arm's length. You know. . . just in case something went wrong. When she was born and I finally was able to hold her and look in her arms, I fell completely in love. . . to a degree that I didn't think was possible. My heart absolutely melted and in a heartbeat, she became my life.
And in that instant I realized. . . I didn't think I could leave her for a week to go to Ethiopia.
I told T this, and he said he would gladly go back for the second trip, and my Mom said she would gladly travel with Taher to bring Khalil home. So, I've received no pressure from outside sources. There IS a way around this that will allow me to stay home with Scarlett. But, I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. I should go to Ethiopia. I know my Mom will have a much more fun trip with me if I go. I know I'll always appreciate seeing where Khalil has lived the past few months and visiting his home country.
But logistically, I don't know how my heart will allow me to leave Scarlett for a week. I don't know how I would manage to continue breast feeding her, which is very important to me. Sure, I could store up breast milk for her for when I'm gone, but how will I manage to continue pumping while I'm gone? Pretty sure there is no where to plug in a breast pump in an airplane. And I've had bad luck with adaptors/converters in different countries, so I'm not sure if the breast pump would work so well in Ethiopia. And I'm just not ready to be done breastfeeding, especially since I'm guessing we'll be in Ethiopia in September, and Scarlett will only be 2 months old by then.
My Mom and T keep reminding me that a decision doesn't need to be made immediately, and I realize that. But. . . It's on my mind constantly, and a part of me wishes someone would just make the decision for me. Because I know whatever I decide, I'll beat myself up about the decision.
31 comments:
there are many battery powered pumps that work great. Also you could breastfeed Khalil once you are there. I'm sure it is such a hard decision, I have no idea what I would do.
Oh Leah, I'm so sorry for the ache in your heart that is torn between your two babies. But I agree with your mom and T that you don't need to make that decision right now (easier said than done, since I also am a worrier and a planner), but wait until after T's trip next week and see how everyone feels. Hopefully Embassy will be quick, but as with every other step, there are no guarantees. I can't wait to meet T in Ethiopia and am praying for you and Scarlett while your family is separated by 1/2 a world.
That is a very tough decision. This is one I would not want to make myself. I had to leave my twins for 2 days when I went back to the hospital after having them for hemorrhaging, I have to say that was THE most emotional time. I was breast feeding them , my milk started to diminish , I hadn't held them in 48 hours. It was Horrible.
I think maybe if Scarlett was older it would be slightly easier, but she isn't. As a new Mommy, It's ok for you to not be ready to leave her just yet. Khalil is one tough little boy :) I am sure! The only person that will regret you not being able to go, is you dear Leah. If this is about seeing his Home country? Then you can still see his home country.. one day. Maybe it be best to take him one day when both babies are much older and understand how important it is for Khalil to know where he came from. Sharing that as a whole family just might be what is in your life plan.
Everything will work out wonderfully. I have no doubt!
OKAY, but only because you asked....
Go to Ethiopia! Go get your son~
Scarlett will be fine without you for a week and you will be so full of this same kind of love for Khalil that you instantly felt for Scarlett that you will be fine too. Worst case scenerio? Your breast milk might dry up while you're gone. The first few weeks are the most important anyway, and you would have already satisfied that. You have been so awesome at making sure everyone treats both of your babies the same, you would have a very hard time dealing with the fact that you didn't go get your son. You might try to overcompensate for it later, which wouldn't be fair to Scarlett either~
You and Taher go get your baby, just like you would be going to the hospital to deliver him. You'll be so glad you did.
And your Mom would be glad to have Scarlett to herself, I'm sure!
I know it's tough....but you're so grounded and strong! That's just my humble opinion ;~)
♥,Lilly
The thing about motherhood is you can never underestimate a mother's love. Just last night my husband and I were talking, and I admitted I love my daughter just a tiny bit more than I do him. We both agreed there is probably an evolutionary reason for that. He loves me more than her, but his primary function is to provide and protect me so that he can continue to create offspring with me. My primary function is to provide and protect my offspring. That deep, boundless love we feel for our children is the work of the ages. You're a mother now, and you priorities just drastically changed.
I remember people used to tell me my dogs would take a back seat to the baby. I knew they would, but I had no idea how far away that back seat was until Baby Bean got here. lol!
Don't pressure yourself. If you feel it is too difficult to leave your newborn, then don't. Kahlil will understand one day when he is old enough to even understand what was going on. I can understand how you would be torn.
The point behind my comment is not to ignore your instincts to stay with your baby if that is really what you want to do. If you're going to feel guilt either way, pick the lesser of two evils.
*hugs*
I don't know what I would do in your case to be completely honest. I would not want to miss a trip to my child's birth country nor would I want to leave my tiny baby. Here's the important thing - don't beat yourself up no matter what you decide! Both children will know that you love them and did what was best for your family at the time.
Ok, so I am not a Mom - nor have I ever breast fed, and I am new to the journal (well somewhat) so I my comments may sound dumb, so excuse me :)
What about a manual pump? No electric, no adapters nothing needed but you.
Also I am not sure how old your new baby boy will be, but are you planning on breat feeding him? That may help with the pumping.
Whatever you decide, I hope you are at peace with your choice! Congrats on 2 wonderful new additions to your family, I can't wait to read about your family growing and your journey through motherhood!
I know you didn't ask for our opinions, but please don't be offended.
I know (I KNOW!) how impossible it is to imagine leaving Scarlett for a week. And the logistics (pumping, etc) are daunting. But I can't imagine you would EVER regret spending a week in your son's birth country.
When Munchie was nearly 4 months old I got very sick and ended up in a coma for 6 days and in hospital for 3 weeks. It KILLED me to be away from her and I was so worried about some kind of damage I must have been doing to her world by not being there for so long. But you know what? She was fine. Absolutely totally fine. She went from being breast fed to formula/bottle fed overnight. It wasn't easy for her and for the first few nights she didn't sleep as well without our familiar routine. But she is not scarred. She is not damaged. Within a couple days of being home we had picked up where we left off and we were FINE.
If you were to leave Scarlett, I'm sure it would be heart breaking. But I also know that things would end up okay.
I worry that you would regret missing out on bringing Khalil home.
Just my 2 cents. I'll say a prayer for you either way.
:)
oh honey, your brain and your heart are just ripping you apart! I am so sorry! I just know that between you, your mom and T, the right decision will be made.
No matter which choice you make, you are going to have some difficulty with it. It will work out though...no matter what!
Totally and completely understand. We make plans and then God laughs :) BTW, just so you know, most breast pumps can run on batteries, too. But whatever you decide will be the right decision for you and both of your little ones! Be confident in that.
Oh man, I can't even imagine how hard of a choice this is for you! Don't beat yourself up about it, nobody judges you either way!
It is a hard decision to leave you child for a day much less a week, but I think it will be so well worth it. You will be so involved with Khalil that the week is going to fly and you will be home before you know it. I don't think you will ever regret getting to visit your baby boy's homeland. The pictures of you there will be priceless to you as well as to Khalil. And don't worry about Scarlett. She will be just fine. About pumping...well you can always bring a hand pump and just pump and dump for that week. You can work this out in your head and your heart. I am so excited that you will be seeing Khalil soon!!!!!
Leah,
As an adoptive mom, I understand your struggle wanting to be there for Khalil. I traveled to Korea to bring my son home, but I didn't have a newborn at home to return to. A couple of things to think about... Khalil will not remember if you decide not to make the trip to Ethiopia. The trip will be exhausting, both physically and emotionally. You have to follow your heart on this one, but I don't beat yourself up if you decide to forego the trip. Staying with Scarlett does have its advantages- you will be able to maintain your current routine with Scarlett making it easier for adjusting Khalil to the routine; you won't be as emotionally and physically drained and will be able to give both babies more quality attention, especially Khalil as he adjusts to his new family and home. Hugs to you as you make your decision and support no matter what you decide.
I know I can't even imagine how tough this decision is for you. As for the breastfeeding, I know a few friends who have manual or battery-operated pumps, so I think that issue could be resolved (probably). Beyond that it almost seems like you're having to choose between your two children, one who you've been with since she was conceived, and one who you've dreamed of being with even before you even knew who he was. It's a terrible place to be in, to have to choose. Maybe think about the pros and cons of each choice.
That really is a tough tough decision. When we were going through our second adoption just about a year ago I worried about leaving our daughter. I had not even left her over night at that point; ever! It was then I decided that my Hubby would stay home and I would go to pick up our son. The day I left I cried ALL day, and the first day I called home it was really really tough. My heart ached for her so badly. The minute our son was in my arms I pushed it aside and my focus was him the entire time and it was "easier". The minute I spotted my daughter in the airport though I quickly handed him off to his Daddy and started crying as I held my girl. It's hard, but you will know what to do when the time comes.
Wow that is a hard decision but I agree with your mom and T that you don't have to be make the decision right now. What ever you decide will work out in the end. Have you thought about taking Scarlett with you? I am sure you have but it seems like it would solve both problems!!
Best of luck! Scarlett is beautiful!! I am so happy for you and your growing family!!
Jen
I agree that you do not have to make a decision right now. Take some time, and whatever you decide to do will be okay and will be the right decision for your family. That is great that your mom and T are supportive of whichever option you want to do. Either way, Khalil will be greeted by someone who loves him, and Scarlett will be cared for by someone who loves her. Either way is fine! Thinking of you. Heather
As a mom, go with your gut. Like you said, both of your babies are equally important. And if you think you should be with Scarlett, be with her. You'll be the welcoming party for Khalil when he arrives home, and that is just as important.
I am a planner, too, so I would probably be having the same internal conversation. I think you will make the best decision for both your kids and your entire family!! I will be praying for you because I'm sure it is the furthest thing from easy.
FWIW, and this is coming from me who has no experience with birth or adoption, and it might come out the wrong way, but maybe it would be special for T to go meet/bond with Khalil by himself in the way that (sort of) Scarlett's pregnancy was "yours". And then just as you both were able to share Scarlett once she was born, you both could attend the second trip to get Khalil. Hope that doesn't come out as offensive of devisive. It just came to me :)
I know it will all work out. It definitely is a tough decision to make.
If I were you, and I"m not becasue this is tough. I would stay home and make sure that is concrete in plans that you all plan to go back as a family when he is 7 years old or whenever (when he might remember that you took him). That way you can all explore his birth country together. Just make sure that your husband and or mom take a ton of pictures of even surrounding area's and take video of everything they can. I think for now that we be good enough, and a family trip later will be more special, and less stressful if you know you will be goign there as well.
This is obviously such a hard decision, and I really don't have advice for you except to say that you have to do what is best for your family, and don't let anyone (including yourself) feel guilty for the decision you make. You can only do what you can do. We made the decision to have Matthew escorted, and truly I felt so guilty and horrible for a while because of that...but now I know that it was the best decision for him and for us at that time. I wish I could have gone...but we'll go next time, and I am okay with the decision we made. It didn't make our bond with him any less strong than if we had traveled. The important thing is that, if you travel or if you don't, in the end the four of you will be all together starting your new life as a family...and it will be amazing!!!
Wow, Leah, that is tough. Even as I read through all the comments there was such a huge range of opinions....so obviously there is no one *right* answer. I have no advice, but send lots of love and support as you make this decision!
Just a thought... if you don't make it right now, maybe someday, when Khalil is older and can understand, you could take a trip back to Ethiopia with him.
You will have both your children for years and years to come. The first moment is not the most important one, it is your life together and how you provide for them later. Do not put too much pressure into going or not going on this first trip. Your husband is an equal parent, you will more often have to divide tasks without this meaning that you will prefer one child over the other. And keep in mind that you have to look out for three peoople's well being: your son, your daughter and yourself, it is just a couple of weeks ago that you have given birth, be patient with yourself. Both your children will be taken care of really well, whoever goes on the trip and whoever stays home. My best wishes to you, I am sure your decision will be right whatever you do!
I may be in the minority here but I say follow your gut and stay at home with Scarlet. Your heart will be in Ethiopia with Taher and Kahlil. You can visit his homeland together when he is older which would be a wonderful experience for you both. You have two babies now that need to be taken care of and daddy is perfectly capable of bringing his son home and I imagine it will be a wonderful experience for him to walk in the door at home with your baby boy in arms. (Sort of like him giving birth!!) You can pump when you are gone but I worry about her latching once you get back since she is young - plus my dd never took a bottle and would have been miserable without mommys breast for a whole week. 4 hours away at work was hard enough for her! But the best thing you can do is follow your heart and you can't go wrong.
I just want to say how much I appreciate your honesty in you blogs...it is such a hard position to be in....My advice is, don't decide based on what other people tell you...pray about it and wait until you find peace. Either way will really be fine. I have to say that I left my 3 month old bio son for a week and was able to keep my milk supply up just fine. But, don't go out of guilt, go only if you truly want to and think it's best for your family. :)
I would stay home, she is so little. I have struggled on leaving my baby (he is 23 mos) when we go to Korea. If he were as little as your baby, I would have to stay home. Nursing is very important to me. I know how I worried about my children when they were very tiny. I think any parent adopting internationally with little ones at home feels torn about travel. Whatever you decide will be the best decision for your family. I think it is so neat you will have two babies soon. You can't adopt while pregnant in Korea. Best wishes to you leah!
Go with your gut but I would probably go to Ethiopia. I would be afraid that K would think at some point in the future that you preferred S over him. I was away from my son (granted, he was 5 at the time so it was easier than leaving a newborn) for two weeks while I waited for ICPC to clear for my youngest. Those two weeks were a great time for us - we bonded really well and it made the transition home a little easier. Good luck with whatever you decide. I am sure it will be the right decision for you and your family.
i know i missed the window on this but my two cents:
1) if breastfeeding is important to you and you want to go, there are battery operated pumps.
2) there is almost no reason to hope that K will breastfeed. been there, done that. trying to teach a baby that has always had bottles to recognize a human nipple as a source of food is seriously stressful and really hard. i've been trying with the help of lactation consultants and it's not going to happen. Jesse was about 5 to 6 months when we first tried. i have PLENTY of milk for him, but there is no way he will latch onto my breast. K will however drink that yummy milk through the bottle if you can pump it.
3) i would not be ready to leave a newborn. but i also would have never forgiven myself if i didn't go. TOUGH decision.
4) i really disagreed with a few comments that said "who cares if your milk dries up." Ethiopia will bne there for you if you go back. in some ways, it probably would have been better for me if i'd waited to go back instead of being somewhat miserable while i was there. i was pregnant, you'd be stressing about Scarlett. I cried every day because it was hard to communicate with our kids and we went day s sometimes without talking to them. it was really stressful. you DO care if your milk dries up and if you miss this time in Scarletts life you would be really sad. either way there are things you regret but things you will be glad about.
5) final thought, I promise: we didn't decide i was going to Ethiopia until 12 days before we got on the plane. So, you can really make a last minute call.
Good luck! Thinking of you! And as you do plan, please let me know if I can be helpful since I just went, my dear.
I think whatever you decide it will be fine!! But maybe you should think about taking Scarlett with you more.... Why can't she go with you and your mom?? Just a thought......
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