Friday afternoon, T and I were sitting around with my sister and my sis's baby. My sister was nice enough to bring us lunch and hold our baby girl so we could nap. I was my normal weapy self. . . which has been the case ever since having TT. (I hear the baby blues are normal) My phone rang, and right away, the area code showed me that it was the adoption agency. Everytime the adoption agency calls, I usually jump and answer the phone, knowing that I have news coming my way. Instead, I looked at the area code, and put the phone down, and told T that I was too tired to talk to the agency right now. T grabbed the phone out of my hand, and answered. Before T even spoke, I knew what the call was about. We had gotten a court date before the courts would close in August. Isn't that what I wanted? Well, I thought that's what I wanted.
T was beaming from ear to ear while talking to the agency. He then looked at me with pure jubilation and said,
"WE HAVE A COURT DATE!!! IT'S AUGUST 5TH!!!!!!!!!!"
This is what I've been waiting for ever since we started the adoption process last June 25th. T gets to go to Ethiopia and meet our son, and assuming we pass court, Nur will officially be ours. He will be OUR SON. This is what I've been waiting for. So I was completely surprised by my reaction to the news. T went to the other room to continue his conversation with the agency, and I sat there holding TT, and started sobbing. I mean. . . sobbing.
Ever since I found out I was pregnant last October, I knew having two babies would be hard. I knew it would test every ounce of my being, but I also felt like this was the way it was supposed to happen, and I had confidence that it would all work out. But here I was, holding my two day old daughter, and one step closer to meeting my 6 month old son, and I felt sad and terrified.
How could I love someone as much as the baby girl in my arms? How could I give her and my son everything, without feeling like one of them was sacrificing my attention? How could I be a Mom to two babies, when I had slept 1 hour the night before?
I was disappointed in my reaction. No, not disappointed. I was disgusted with my reaction. I love Nur. I want Nur home. I just want a little time first. I want time to get to know TT. I want to give her time to be the only child for a while. And this disgusts me, because Nur is sitting in an orphanage in Ethiopia, and his Mama is sitting here holding her precious baby girl, and wishing she was not going to become a mama to two quite so soon.
I always envisioned my WE GOT A COURT DATE a lot differently than this post. But I couldn't anticipate the emotions I would have until I met TT. Until I experienced motherhood.
Now that I'm a few days into motherhood, I'm just scared. I know that is why I reacted the way I did. I'm really really scared.
44 comments:
Although I have no experience of adoption, I AM a new mum of a baby boy who was born in April, and I just want you to know that I felt completely as you do now when he'd just arrived! The "baby blues" are in fact horrible, and I really struggled for about a month. I can well imagine the idea of two babies to look after is causing you pain! Hang in there, though. I gets easier as a routine becomes established... Oh, and don't be afraid to ask for help. Lots of it...
I'm sorry that your reaction wasn't what you expected but you shouldn't feel bad about it. It's very evident that you love K. I think it's normal to want alone time with S. You'll probably feel the same way when K comes home (wanting time for him alone).
Perfectly understandable reaction. You are just getting used to a massive life change when another comes along.
People often worry that they can't love their next child as much as their first. They do.
It's ok to be scared and ask others for help. It's a time to let others support you. You can cope with all of this and you'll find it the best adventure. All adventures start out a bit scary! xxx
don't beat yourself up... you've got to be MORE than overwhelmed right now. FULL of emotions and hormones you've never experienced before. will it be hard... heck yeah! i'm sure it will! will it be worth it? YES! a million times over, YES! just don't be afraid to ask for help! ask and accept help! and as always, we're all "here" for you too! praying you pass court and khalil has a home :-)
Oh Leah. If there's anything I know, it is this feeling. I was backward, my adopted son cane first followed by unexpected pregnancy. And I have a little more than 8 months apart from being a mom to 2. But I spent my entire pregnancy being scared and upset. And sad for my oldest that he'd never be my only again.
But the minute my youngest arrived, it just worked. It's been amazing and every day I see more and more what a gift it is for my bots to have each other. I stopped being sad that I they wouldn't be my only, and started being grateful that they had a brother to lean on. Watching them together, even at 18 months and 4 months is one of the most precious things I've ever experienced.
You're giving Khalil a FAMILY, complete with a baby sister. You're giving Scarlett a big brother! For the rest of their lives they'll have each other.
But I know how scary and sad it is...especially so soon after giving birth. The emotions and weariness DO go away and you'll have time to celebrate. And once you're a family of four you'll wonder how you ever made it as just a family of 2 or 3. Think of it as having twins, where you wouldn't have had any time alone!
I promise...give it another week or two, you'll feel more like yourself. CONGRATS!! Your babies will be together soon!!
congratulations!!! to the court date - that is awesome. oh and don't worry to much about your worries (lol), those are definitely the baby blues. things will get better and you will be emotionally more stable after a few weeks.
and YES, i hear you about the concern not being able to give 'everything" to our little ones. BUT GOD gave us arms and love big enough to wrap around many children.
now enjoy those precious blessed moments.
oh, any chance ya'll travel through europe on the way to ET (or back)? i'd love to do a day trip and meet up with you on your layover (if you're up to it).
mel
It must all sound very overwhelming. I'm here to tell you that you CAN do it! I have 2 small children whom are close in age. It is very hard at first. Probably for the first 2 yrs at least. But it is wonderful and full of joy and laughter, I promise. Your body and mind will get use to the tired. You will be so amazed with what you can accomplish. I'm here to offer my support and encouragement!
Wow, everything you said just sounds as normal as I can imagine. I can't picture what it must feel like to have a brand new little one, and to be physically and emotionally and hormonally exhausted and recovering, while getting to know this new little person...and then to envision your life changing drastically once again. I hope there is comfort in knowing that as you feel more like yourself again and establish a "new normal" over the next few weeks, that it becomes easier to picture your lovely son joining you whenever that is meant to be. Perhaps in a few months it will seem kind of lovely that your daughter was born, and your court date was set for your son, all within days of each other. For now, though, hope there can develop a peaceful sense of expectancy and focus in the moment as you and your little daughter spend time together.
Leah, take a deep breath and give yourself a break. First of all - your emotions and hormones are ALL over the place! Relax and enjoy this time you have. You have a few weeks, soak up this time with your baby girl.
Check your guilt at the door! Of COURSE you're scared! Who wouldn't be? Of course you're going to be sad that your daughter has to share you and that the same time sad that you can't give Kahlil every bit of you because both will definitely need you!
For today, try something...don't worry about next week, don't worry about next month - enjoy one day worry free with your baby girl. See how that goes. Enjoy every part of it (and recognize the difficult parts but not dwell on how they're going to continue to be difficult). Save the worry for another day. If it works, try it again. :) Thinking of you! Hugs and prayers!
Leah, it's okay to feel scared. Motherhood is scary...whether you have one or two children. You will ALWAYS worry about something, but that is what being a mommy is all about. Have Scarlett and Khalil in your life together was meant to be. It will be hard but the good memories will so so outshine any sleepless nights and other worries that you may have. Try to remember that you are very hormonal right now and your body is out of whack after delivery and the newness of having a newborn and your body getting back to normal seems alot right now. But by the time Khalil comes you will have everything under control and you will feel so much better about everything. I bet you will be so ready for Khalil by that time. No one is judging you, mommy. Everything will be okay and remember that T is there so you are not alone.
I think your reaction is completely normal and expected given everything that you've experienced in the last week. You shouldn't feel guilty. Things are going to get better as time goes by and your hormones calm down. You are a good mama! Remember God will not give you more than you can handle. Lean on Him during this time. He will give you the strength and courage you need! Two of my favorite verses when I'm afraid and overwhelmed are Isaiah 41:10 and Joshua 1:9. They remind me to not be afraid or discouraged because He is with me. He will strengthen you as you call out to Him and ask for His help. Hang in there, girl! I'm praying for you!
Give yourself some grace. Those first few weeks are very hard and to add something momentous like this is quite a challenge. Just try to take one day at a time.
Oh Honey....that is such a NORMAL reaction for the mother of a 2 day old! I remember crying my eyes out because I looked down and the dogs food bowl was empty, I had FORGOTTEN to feed Riley! He was our BABY for YEARS before having Kate and I couldn't even balance being a Mommy to a little girl and maintain my normal life! I promise, it's just part of the exhaustion, you're questioning things you KNOW you will be successful at. It will all come together. It won't all be butterflies and daisies, but you will find your balance and have your 2 beautiful children with you on your runs to the grocery and others will be so in awe of you that you are able to handle it! Trust that God would not have let this happen if He didn't know that you and T are the perfect caregivers for His babies! It is going to be so beautiful! I'm already awe-struck....I think you're pretty amazing!
♥,Lilly
Congratulations on your court date! I think anyone would be feeling some level of fear, so I don't think your reaction is any way out of the ordinary. We all know you will be an amazing mother to your new son and daughter!!
=( Having never been a mother I have no clue what you're going through, but I'm sure as your emotions settle down a bit things will looks tons better. You'll figure it out and do what's best for you and yours. It will all be fine even if you're scared shitless now. I definitely vote for getting some help and then some sleep! =)
Leah, honey, your feelings are so very valid. Please don't get down on yourself for having any of your feelings. I know I'm not speaking from any measure of parenting experience, but I can speak from experience (personally and professionally) that any sort of change in your life's trajectory--any kind major life transition--comes with what feels like an unbearable and unexpected amount of stress and anxiety. This is so, so normal, my friend.
You WILL be a good mom to both Scarlett and Khalil. You have all the tools there, mama, and an amazing support system to boot. It will take time and practice, for sure, but you'll get there. Be patient with yourself, with your recovery, and the the learning curve of mamahood.
You are one of the most feeling, compassionate, and thoughtful bloggers I read, and I know that these tools will get you where you need to be. I know it sounds trite, but time will help.
Congrats on your court date, Leah! You can do this, girl!
Sending love...
Big hugs from a lurker!! I am so sorry you are struggling right now, but know that you are perfectly normal if everything you are feeling. Becoming a momma is a wonderful, life changing event, but also an emotionally and physically exhausting experience. Becoming a momma to two at the same time for the first time is even more so! Remember that God is in control and only he can give you the strength to get through these rough times. Lots of prayers coming your way!!
Oh and congratz on the court date! So glad you got it before they closed. Praying that it all goes well and nothing changes between now and then.
Honestly I'd be surprised if this wasn't how you were feeling. Doesn't make you a bad mom or love Khalil any less. Everything will be fine and you will have time with Scarlett. Court is less then a month away but there's (unfortunately) still time even after that, right? So you'll have some time and by the time it comes to bringing him home your feelings will have changed. You'll be in a routine with Scarlett and ready to have it all disrupted when your son comes home.
You'll do great with both kids.
As with so many milestones in your life, you will look back on this in amazement. You are a strong woman. You will be amazed at what a difference a few weeks will make in your level of comfort and your increasing strength. You can do this! And your reaction is not surprising at all. It is all coming together too fast. I'd be scared too. But you can do it!
I'll keep you and yours in my prayers.
Deanna
You will do awesome. Try not to worry about it... Think of it in terms of your pregnancy...who would have thought your body could have produced such an amazing miracle, but it just knew what to do. Your heart will do the same thing. Will it be stressful and trying? Yes, but you will do it and after a few short months, you'll wonder why you ever worried since it will feel so natural. You have such a huge heart, don't be so hard on yourself. You are Khalil and Scarlett's mother and they will both receive all the love they need from you and Taher.
I'm sorry you are feeling scared. I assure you what your feeling is normal. You are not alone in what you are feeling. I also assure you that you will have enough of you to tend to both babies. It is amazing what women can do. take things 1 day at a time, don't rush yourself. Babies adjust to their situations better than adults do. Try to not think your not doing enough. You will do this, you CAN do this. =)
As different as the reaction you had is from the one you thought you would have...I think you are pretty darn normal.
I can't imagine (yet) the emotional ride that is pregnancy and becoming a new mom for the first time. Add in a huge dose of sleep deprivation, and you don't exactly have the best concoction.
Of course you are scared. Terrified? OF COURSE! But you are a great mommy and T is a great daddy. You care so much about Khalil and Scarlett but you are so tired, so emotional.
This will work out perfectly and beautifully...but not without a large lack of sleep.
But you will be amazing, even during the times you don't think you are. Even when you are crying or angry or sad or frustrated - you are amazing.
Remember that...I am a complete stranger and I can literally feel your MOMMYNESS through your words, through your photos.
YOU ARE AMAZING!
First off, it is perfectly fine to be scared. I'd be scared too. But, as soon as you have him home with you, it will all be perfect. Hard, but perfect.
Congratulations on your court date.
Sometimes even the most wonderful blessing leaves us overwhelmed and exhausted in anticipation of what's to come. You can do this, as daunting as this might seem right after the birth of your daughtre. You will be a great mommy to two beautiful children. And they will each feel your love and know that no matter who was here first or how they got here: they will EACH look at you and know they are each #1 in your eyes.
Sending you a hug and a nice nap where you can sneak one in. Oh, and of course: congrats on the court date! *hug*
Hi Leah,
I've been reading your blog for a few months now; we are also a Dove family. (We've been officially waiting for 4+ months.)
First, congratulations on Scarlett- so exciting!
Second, congrats on getting a court date before courts close- I hope it all goes well.
Mostly I'm commenting though because as a mom to 3 kids, I can completely relate to being scared. I remember when we were expecting #2, I was just positive there was no way I could love another person like I loved our first child. I just knew I would always love her more, although I swore to myself #2 would never know it. Well, of course once he was born, there was no question. A friend once told me that each time they added to their family, the love multiplied- kind of like when you light a candle, the first candle still burns strong! Give yourself plenty of grace as your body and emotions will take a few weeks (at least) to even out, and honestly often the hormones peak around 2 weeks post pardum. You don't have to do 18 years right now- just a day at a time, or an hour at a time.
Take Care of yourself!
Oh Leah, I can't even imagine! I remember the first couple of weeks with Z home, I felt way emotional all the time...I just wanted to stay home and send visitors away! You're also recovering from labor and going through sleep deprivation, so I'm sure your hormones are off the chart! We all know how much you love K, and I'm sure that these few weeks before your court date will be a big help! You're such a great mama, and YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH...God made this all happen for a reason!!
Hugs! :)
Wow, you have some amazing blog buddies. I just read through all the comments and I love what everyone said. I especially liked what Jessica and Connie's Confessions had to say and if I were you I would read their comments over and over. You still have time. Even if you pass on August 5th then my guess is that you wouldn't bring Khalil home until September at the earliest. So you still have time to just be with Scarlett. Like the others said, you have so many emotions and hormones going through your body right now so go easy on yourself. I am thinking of you and sending love. Scarlett is adorable!
Cut yourself some slack! You are exhausted and hormonally challenged right now and that will get better. I know it is all so overwhelming right now and the thought of having another little one in the mix is pretty taxing to say the least. But you can and will do just great. I have been down the road with two bios close together and many days were a complete blur, but we all survived and you do the best that you can. You will give them both what they need when they need it. It's hard, but you will survive!
Guilt will eat you up. I felt so guilty at the beginning after we adopted E. I just didn't "feel" right. It took a few days for me to really understand that I did love her and that bonding just takes time. I was so afraid that something was wrong with me and that I was not a good mother for her. Those fears are long gone and she is so my girl. It just took some time.
I apologize for the rambling. I just want you to know that you are not the first person to feel these feelings and it will get better. You are a great mom already and you will be an even better mom when you have them both in your arms. It's amazing how big laps and arms are and just how much you can hold:)
Hang in there friend and I am praying for you.
Sweetest Friend,
Do not be disappointed in yourself for feeling "overwhelmed". And, remind yourself that you are a little sleep deprived and on unchartered territory. SO, give yourself a break and know that you will be a wonderful Mommy to these two very precious children. As you say, the baby blues can be just that "blue". Feel what you need to feel and let it out....keep writing and we are going to keep praying for your head to get around all that is happening so quickly.
Just remember to breathe :)
Much Love
xoxo
Oh, leah, you've brought a tear to my eye. DO NOT BE DISGUSTED WITH HOW YOU FEEL. I remember after Emma was born crying for absolutely no reason. Not even knowing if I was happy, sad or just overwhelmed. And here you are, not only going through all the normal post-pregnancy stuff, but also through the stress of adoption. You'd probably be weird if you didn't have these feelings. Just go easy on yourself, take a deep breath, and know, in the end, it will all work out for you, hubby, Scarlett and Khalil! It will! Big hugs!
Oh sweetie, it is just post partum. I am telling you those hormones wreak total havoc on you. I can't tell you enough it is just post partum, well, that and major lack of sleep. Don't beat yourself up, these feelings aren't your fault. You just had a baby, your body is adjusting and trying to clear itself out, and you haven't slept. Even the strongest of women fall apart.
The feelings you have for Scarlet are supposed to be that way. The bond between you and her where you feel like you have never loved anything so much in your whole life, you're supposed to feel that. Its evolutionary. They say that a mother and child looking into each other's eyes establishes a bond because it releases endorphins in both individuals.
PP is hard. Its really hard. I look back now on those two months after Baby Bean was born and I actually feel bad for the woman I was then. I was a total mess. Just know that the blues go away and life gets soooooo much better.
Hang in there sweetie.
*BIG hugs*
I think it's *perfectly* reasonable to be scared! Gosh, you are so new to this motherhood thing, and it's so difficult, and now it's going to be motherhood times two! I hope you can get a little bit of relief knowing that there will be more time before Khalil comes home (although I know intellectually you want him home now!) since it takes time after court for everything else to be worked out. The scariest part right now might even be being without T for a week in early August, so maybe you can arrange to have a family member come stay with you during that time. Hang in there, and don't beat yourself up. This is a crazy time for you right now.
You can do this. There is enough love for both of them and that's really all they need.
I'm sorry you're scared... I would be too, it's completely understandable. But you can do this. You can!
Oh sweetie. My heart broke reading this. I know I don't have any experience with it, but I can imagine it's a completely normal reaction. I know when we had our FET, I also had scared emotions wondering how we would handle twins if I was pregnant with twins and then was bawling because here I had been wanting this so bad and then it was like I was having doubts and I couldn't understand. I know it's a totally different situation and different things but it helps so much to know my feelings were "normal". I never talked about it at all, so thank you.
Love ya girl. I'm always here for you.
its a bit hard to have a grip on your emotions when you are exhausted and your hormones are all out of wack. Not that its alot of time but still thats a few weeks away which you will get more settled and no doubt it will be overwhelming you will be much more ready, you just had a baby 2 days ago give yourself a break, you WILL feel better, and on the bright side your son can't walk yet so at least you won't have to chase him yet (unless he can crawl)
I am sorry that your so scared. I am sure it's normal. Being a new Mom is so hard and nothing can really prepare you for that.
Leah, first of all, congratulations on your sweet daughter! She is precious and I LOVE her name. Secondly, don't be too hard on yourself. That first month postpartum is unlike anything I've ever experienced. I wasn't even that emotional while pregnant! I can see why you are overwhelmed, but I just want to encourage you that it gets SOO much better as time goes on. With each passing day, you'll become more confident in your role as a mommy. I already have baby fever again! :) Hang in there friend...and again, don't be too hard on yourself in the meantime! :)
God has given you twins...you just got to see ONE face before the other :) Two babies at once..so close in age are TWINS!! It will be hard..but yes..it will go by fast and this will all be a distant memory..i promise!! Be sure to ask for meds from your doc if it continues..Postpardum depression (sp?) is very normal..I've talked many friends (especially those with twins ) into talking to their doctor who got them on meds eventually that stabled their hormones...They all swear by them...Hang in there...and keep in prayer, kristi
Congrats on the court date! Keep your head up and follow your heart! Your whole life is changing and somethings that hard to grasp in just a couple days!
Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I’m so sorry you are scared. 2 days post partum is a very hard time to think clearly and make any decisions based on reason. You must be gentle on yourself. When my twins were born, my daughter was just under 2 and I had a variety of thoughts and emotions during this time that I’m not always so proud of. Overwhelming guilt and sadness at times, just a very dark time. It’s all normal. I know it’s hard to believe it right now, but what you are feeling is normal and you will get through it. ((((hugs))))
Leah, just sending you so much love and prayers for calm and peace for your heart, for a security in knowing that you are doing what is best for your family on every front! I can't imagine how you feel, but I sure am sending you love! Praying thoses baby blues away!
So excited about your court date, and so glad Kahlil will be joining your family soon. Until then soak up every minute you have Scarlett all by herself, and know that she will forever be in awe of how much love you and T have for both her and Kahlil! Reading about T's excitement just reminded me why we are blessed with husbands, as they stand in the gap for where we can't be at times! Let him be there for you and know you're all being lifted up!
Honey, dont be disgusted. How many moms talk about jaw dropping sobs when they find out they are pregannt with twins (or more). This is normal. This is the REAL reality setting in. And it is okay. When you are holding both your babies in your arms as they nap peacefully, all the stress and worry will melt away (and when it comes back because someone is stinky while someone else destroys lunch, the nap time will make it all better) :) This I know. :)
It is hard. I am not going to lie to you. Having twins is hard...and having virtual twins is JUST as hard. You will get the "wow...it's probably almost as hard as having twins." comment. To which I reply..."well, I haven't had twins before, but I think this is harder."
BUT...in the midst of the intensely hard times there will be times of intense joy. Your life will be full. Full of hard times and full of joy, full of noise and full of laughter. All around FULL.
And when it gets to be too much and you begin to ask yourself "What were we thinking?" just look ahead and remember...it will not always be this hard. They will grow into childhood and you will get your independence back as they learn to have their own.
My one piece of advice: remember to treat the older one like the baby he is. It is harder than it seems.
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