The Not Perfect Days

Watching the emotions of my children is so interesting.  Their emotions are impulsive. . . just like that of adults.  Some days I sit at work, and I feel like a manic.  I will be stressed about life one moment, and the next moment, I am thinking about how lovely life is, and how everything is really falling into place.  Then the next moment, I'm stressing about a recent behavior of a child.  It's interesting, because I see these same manic emotions in my children. Just yesterday, TT was so happy beyond belief when her favorite song started playing.  She came and ran to me squealing, and then proceeded to hug my leg.  Then the next moment, she was throwing herself down on the floor and having a tantrum and was insolable. 

I get it.  If I wasn't an adult. . . I think I would show my emotions in the same fashion.  But with age comes a certain level of maturity, and well, I just don't think my boss would put up with the type of tantrum that Scarlett was throwing yesterday. 

Life is good.  And life is coming together in many different ways that feels good, healthy, and necessarily progressive.  And some days?  Some days are very hard.  Some days I want to throw in the towel, but I obviously can't cause I'm a mom and these kids rely on me for everything, and I love them more than anything and would never want to let them down in any way. 

Nur is still struggling with unpredictable emotions.  He doesn't always do good in public settings and has been known to throw many tantrums while out in public.  Just this weekend, he had an absolute screaming fit while at school, which caused us to pack up the kids and head home a bit early.  Saturday people came over, and he freaked out.  Sunday he had one tantrum after another, and was only happy if me, MAMA, was holding him all day long, and I'm sorry, but I can't haul an almost 30 pound child around all day.  And I shouldn't have to.  We were at home. . . just the 4 of us. . .Nur was in his safe place.  I was annoyed at his behavior, and was too tired to want to deal with it. 

Some days, I feel like a complete parenting fail to Nur.  Some days, I feel more short tempered with him than I do with TT, and I don't know why.  Some days, he tests me to the limit.  He is a smart boy, and can be cunning at times.  He knows exactly what buttons to push with me.  Some days, I go to bed completely depleted and not happy at all with the way I handled things with Nur.  Sometimes I feel like such a disappointment. Some days I want to tell Nur to get over this behavior cause I no longer have the patience.  And some times, I raise my voice too much, and then feel horrible afterwards.

Not all days are perfect.

And then there is TT.  She always seems to have a cold, or cutting a tooth, or not sleeping well, or some reason that she is just a bit off.  This girl will go from happy and laughing to having a complete meltdown in a matter of seconds.  She likes to hit (and I'm her favorite person to hit) and when I firmly tell her no, she then hugs me to make up for it.  She is wild and impulsive and when she doesn't get her way, she also likes to hit her brother, and it's not rare for her to have 3-4 timeouts a day.  TT also likes to throw her food, and what bothers me, is that I have a feeling she knows what she is doing is wrong.  This child has the highest highs and the lowest lows, and sometimes I wonder if she gets away with too much, sometimes I worry that I didn't exhibit enough patience with her that day, and sometimes I worry that this behavior is because she is craving attention from me and not getting enough of it.

We have incredible days in our family.  Days where I think life is almost perfect, and that I'm so in love with my family.  And then these days are followed by incredibly difficult days that bring me down to earth and remind me that I'm not in conrol of any of us. 

I just hope so strongly that my children know as they go to sleep every night, how much they are loved and adored by me. If nothing else, I NEED them to know that.

Crowning Jewel

I never realized how much I'm attached to TT's hair.  Perhaps it's cause my hair has always been what I consider an unlucky trait.  I have a ton of hair, but it's all very very fine, which means I need to brush it about every 30 minutes to keep it looking kept.  Which means that I carry a brush absolutely everywhere I go.

TT on the other hand, was blessed with beautiful hair, right from the start.  She came out of the womb with thick, beautiful, black and shiny hair.

By the time I left for Ethiopia last October, her hair was starting to fall out.  I heard that happened with newborn hair, so I wasn't concerned.  Before I knew it, TT was almost a baldy, and stayed that way for about 3 or 4 months.

After a while, her hair started growing back.  It grew back even thicker than it originally was, and perhaps a little lighter in color.  If the light hit her just right, her hair would almost look auburn.

When TTs first spring came around, her hair even started curling in the back, which made me wonder if I was going to have a daughter with curly hair.  T's family all has very ethnic hair, all very wavy.  My siblings all have natural wave to their hair.  And mine?  Yuck.  It's as straight as hair can get. 

By the time we celebrated TT's birthday this past July, she had a head FULL of girls.  Beautiful, tight curls.  Oh, how in love I was with that head of hair.  Afterall, don't we always want our children to be better than ourselves.  I have bad hair. . . I was so grateful that TT has such beautiful hair.

This fall, I noticed that TT's hair appeared thinner in the front.  And then T noticed the same thing.  It was definitely thinner, but only right on top of her head.  Everywhere else, was still extremely thick.

At TT's 15 month appointment earlier this month, I decided to bring it up to the doctor.  I bring up a lot of things to TT's doctor, and he usually laughs at me (as nice as he is able) and tells me not to worry.  I thought for sure he would do the same thing when I mentioned TT losing her hair.  Instead, he actually took some concern to the fact.  He moved her hair around, and noticed that she is in fact balding on the top of her head.  He decided to do some bloodwork for us to test for diabetes as well as some autoimmune diseases that can have losing hair as a side effect.  All the bloodwork came back normal, and he also referred us to dermatology, and unfortunately we can't get in until November 15th.

Unfortunately I don't have the best picture to show the balding, but trust me, it's there.

TT seems to be feeling fine, which makes me wonder if I'm really just concerned because I'm vain? I think it's more than that though.  Her hair is falling out.  That can't be normal, can it?

Her doctor did mention that if she only lost her baby hair on the sides that this could be her losing her baby hair on the top.

Some other theories I have are:

• When TT's hair started getting longer, we were constantly putting rubber bands on the top of her head to keep her hair manageable.  Perhaps her hair was just too fine to handle the stress of that rubberband?

• TT is constantly playing with her hair, and at times, even tugging and pulling at it.  Could TT be pulling out her own hair?  And why would she do that?
• Perhaps TT has a hair loss disorder such as Alopecia.  (Oh God. . . don't let this be serious!)

For now, I try to rock a bit of a comb-over on TT.  (She has so much hair everywhere else on her head, that this usually works) I've been using bows and ribbons to hide it, and I've been trying to keep hats on her head so she isn't always pulling at her hair.  And really, all we can do is wait until November 15th, and hope we get some answers.

If anyone has any advice or suggestions or anything, I am all ears.

Entertaining Toddlers

I don't do well with idle time.  I know it's necessary, and once in a great while, I really enjoy it.  But for the most part, I like to stay busy doing "things."  On days we have no plans and barely leave the house, I feel like my kids are bored.  Perhaps they aren't bored at all.  Perhaps I'M board. 

As the weather turns colder, T and I are trying to keep our kids busy by doing fun things.  We are also trying to not keep them TOO busy, as we find when we have too much going on, they crash hard.

Here are some things are doing.

We do a lot of just playing.  T and I try to be engaging, and I can usually be found sitting right on the floor helping the kids put together a puzzle, or reading them a book.  Here is us playing this weekend. (Story to follow after the pic)

So, at my work, we have a rewards program.  Someone can acknowledge your good work and then you get all these points to spend on a website.  Well, I had quite a few points to use, so I decided to get the kiddos things that I would of course save until Christmas.  (Yes. . . I saved nothing and already gave them everything) Here is the thing. . . the descriptions on the website were very misleading.  I thought I was buying the kids a little push toy fire engine.  (Nur is currently obsessed with fire engines)  Nope.  I bought them this full sized motorized fire engine.  Oops!  We let them play with it for about 10 minutes this weekend, and then we hid it.  My mom thinks that kids who have motorized toys like this are destined to a life of being overweight. I don't think my kids are at risk of being overweight.  Not yet anyway. ;)

Over the weekend, we also brought the kids to the local zoo's event called Zoo Boo.  It was so fun getting them all dressed up.  They had a good time, and of course I ate all of their candy.

I'm not sure what we'll do with the kids on actual Halloween.  We are at this weird place right now where they are too young for a lot of what is available out there.  But I get too bored not doing something, so we keep trying.

Here are some more pics that fill our day.

I'm working on getting the kids used to eating at a table.  We still have them in highchairs, but are working on that transition.  They love their table and feel so grown up at it.

This picture was taken while Nur was in the shower with T, and TT was patiently waiting for her turn for a tubby.  TT especially loves baths, and this blow up bath quacks and TT thinks that is fantastic.

Our kids are still not interested in TV, but they love You Tube videos of children's songs.  This is what we do every night before bed.  Say what you will about TV watching for kids, these videos have really helped Nur and TT's vocabularies. 
The kids also have their "school" on Saturday mornings and that keeps us busy.  And on Thursday evenings we have swimming lessons.  I love this age of our kiddos, but sometimes I find myself thinking of all the things we'll be able to do with them when they are a little older.  Movies in a theatre, pizza/movie night, shopping trips, traveling, etc.  Then I find myself kicking myself cause the last thing I want to do is to wish any time away.  This time is too precious for that!

So, these are a few of our current activities. :)

Cooking Attempt. . . #3

Tator Tot Hotdish

Truth is, is I'm starting to enjoy this cooking stuff!  This weekend we had hardly no plans at all, so I made a few dishes for the kids and have a fridge full of meal options for the nanny to feed them this week.  That is a good feeling!

If you live in the Midwest, hotdish is a must.  The funny thing is, is that I'm not really a fan of hotdishes, at all.  But my kids are, so I cook this for them, although I must admit I don't actually eat it myself.  This dish is probably the EASIEST I've made yet.  Perhaps the dishes are getting easier because I'm becoming such a pro???  Okay. . . sorry, I'm getting all full of myself.  I'm not becoming a gourmet chef by any means, this really IS just an easy dish.

The first step is to brown hamburger.  I used a little more than a pound of beef.  I was thinking that perhaps I could even sustitute turkey instead to be healthier?  Maybe next time.  But for now, I used beef.  I also cut up some celery and threw that in there.  My kids really like celery. 

The wonderful thing about hotdish is that you can really add what you want to make the dish your own.  I was thinking next time I would add some broccoli or something like that for nutrient value for the kids.  My mom also suggested corn, but my kids aren't big into corn yet.

After browning the beef, I poured out the grease and then added two cans of cream of mushroom soup and really mixed it in the beef well.

Then I greased a pan, I think I used a 9x13 but I can't be sure.  It was glass.  It was rectangular.  Need you know more?  I poured the beef/soup mixture evenly, and then I added tator tots on top.  My kids LOVE tator tots, so I applied them liberally, but that is really up to you.

Here are my kids, waiting for the dish to come out of the oven.  Which reminds me. . . we always keep our oven locked because the kids like to hang on the door and it swings open.  Yet, when our oven is on, it forces you to unlock the door.  Umm. . . why can't you have your oven locked while the oven is on?  I get nervous cooking cause my kids are always hanging out in the kitchen.

And here is what the dish looks like right out of the oven.

It is truly the easiest dish ever, and it reheats extremely well and my kids love it.  I mash it up for them real good of course.

Here is a picture of their plates, ready to be served.

Strawberry yogurt, black olives and mozerella, and cut up grapes to go with their hotdish.  I would call this a success! :)

This very same weekend I made chili and homemade soup.  Perhaps I will post about those as well.  I currently have approximately 4 dishes in circulation.  Now to expand on that! :)

Happy Tuesday everyone. :)

Another Monday Morning

I often wonder when Mondays will be easier.  I wonder when the day will come that I'll be so tired of parenting, that I'll look forward to going to work and sitting in "cube world" and not be home.

After being a parent for almost a year and a half, that has not happened yet. 

I still remember my first day back to work after TT was born.  She was just 8 weeks old (ugh!) and she was going down for her first nap when I had to leave for work.  I cried. . . she didn't care at all.  Then I remember leaving Nur for the 1st time.  More tears.  And to this day, even though we are in a routine, one child will cry when I leave.  Today Nur sobbed.  Most days, it's TT running to the window and sobbing.

Yes, it never gets easier.  I've come to the realization that it never will.  My heart will always be torn if I'm not with my kids.  I just can't help but feel that is where I'm supposed to be 99.9% of the time.  (No worries. . . I won't start homeschooling or anything like that, ha!)

Here is a picture my brother took of the kids.  If you're friends with me on facebook you already saw it, but it is one of my absolute favorites. :)

Cooking Attempt. . . #2

After my successful attempt at chicken enchiladas, I was feeling brave.  And I was feeling like my children need to continue eating, so I decided to attempt homemade mac-n-cheese. 

I've NEVER liked mac-n-cheese.  I have fed the stuff out of the box to the kids a couple times, and Nur really liked it and TT was neutral.  But I thought a homemade recipe would taste much much better.

I found the recipe here.

I must say, it was even easier than the chicken enchiladas.  The only thing I messed up a little (and it didn't affect the taste, just the cleaning up afterwards) is when I was warming up the cheese in a sauce pan, I should have kept the burner on low.  I got impatient and turned it up and well, really had to scrub cheese out of my pan because of it.

Here is the before picture.

And here is the finished dish, fresh out of the oven.

Have I mentioned that I NEVER liked mac-n-cheese?  Well, that is only because it doesn't taste good out of the box.  THIS TASTED EXCELLENT!!!  There I am, eating right out of the pan as it got out of the oven. (sorry, no picture of that) It was just gooey deliciousness.  And this dish is not low fat and doesn't really fit on my must lose baby weight plan AT ALL, but I still indulged.

And the true test?  The kids loved it!!!  They kept signing more, and this dish made enough for me to tupperware it for the week. 

Very easy meal, and very very tasty!!!  I now have two dishes I can make!  Oh, and this past weekend? I was feeling so good about my culinary skills that I made tator tot hot dish.  EASY EASY EASY and the kids also approved.  Make that 3 things I can now make for my children!

Nur Day!

We decided to call October 17th of every year Nur Day.  It is the day we arrived home from the airport with Nur and became an official family of 4.  With adoption, there are so many days that could be celebrated.  Some people celebrate a gotcha day (not a fan of that word), we could have celebrated the day we passed court, or the day I checked him out of the orphanage, but we decided for our family, we would celebrate the actual day of his homecoming. 

We decided to head on over to Chuck E Cheese.  Something we have never tried with our kids. We had thought about an Ethiopian restaurant, but thought our kids would enjoy an environment they could run around in better. . . at least at this age.

Some family joined us, and it was a really great time.  Nur and TT had fun running from ride to ride.  My sister and her two kids also joined us, and in so many ways, her daughter C is more like Nur and TT's sister.  The 3 of them are so close. (C is only 2 weeks older than Nur)

I also tried to get a cute picture of T's mom (who our kids call Nana) with my kids, but well, it didn't work so well.

We all enjoyed a cookie cake that read, "HAPPY ADOPTION DAY NUR."

And in just 6 weeks, we'll be celebrating Nur's 2nd birthday! Time is moving fast, and I am forever grateful for these happy occassions to celebrate.  Nur is the best little boy in the world, and I couldn't help smiling yesterday (and everyday) everything I thought of him and how much I love him.

One Year Ago

One year ago today, I remember sitting in Ethiopia, getting ready to return home with my son Nur.  A year ago, October 17th was a Saturday, and unfortunately our plane didn't leave until approximately 10pm local time.  We had to check out of our guesthouse around noon, so all the families there together chipped in to keep one room so we could all hang out in that one room for the day and wait until it was time to leave for the airport.

I sat Nur in his crib, directly in front of the TV that got one channel, so I could pack a bit.  Everytime he would see me, he would smile.  He still didn't know who I was, but I think even at this point, he realized I was going to be someone special in his life.

I don't know if I've ever experienced a longer day.  The day you leave a trip is filled with so much anticipation. I knew the long traveling we all had in front of us.  I missed my 3 month old TT so much, that I could almost feel my heart breaking right through my chest.  Without a doubt, I have never felt so much hurt and so much love, all at the same time.  I pray continents NEVER divide me from my kids again. It was too much to bear.

All the families hung out.  We all spent time going through our suitcases, making sure we had everything we needed.  Making sure we had all of the important paperwork, and making sure we had plenty of diapers and food for our children.  One man I met on the trip who traveled alone while his wife stayed with their daughter back home, had to run to the local store to get diapers, so we were entrusted with watching his beautiful daughter for about 15 minutes.

Nur really liked this girl, and we've been lucky enough to get to see her since our return home.  While in Ethiopia, we had to be leniant on the bonding process.  We were in a foreign country, and we all needed help. I knew I would become stricter once I arrived home with Nur.

It was finally time to go to the airport, and we all got in the van with the kids on our laps.  I always thought traveling with a child on my lap, in a moving vehicle would feel really unsafe.  But ironically, it didn't.  We got to the airport, much too early and we sat.  It felt strange being in Ethiopia, holding my Ethiopian son, and being so aware that I was about to remove him from his country. I experienced such a wide array of emotions.

It was finally time to board the plane.  Being that it was so late, Nur slept almost the entire way to Amsterdam in the bassinet that the airline provided.  My mom and I slept almost the entire way as well.  Approximately 6 hours later, we landed in Amsterdam, and it was very early in the morning there.  This was the point of the trip where all of the wonderful American families I had met were going to head off in different directions.  I was lucky that I only had one more flight ahead of me. . . a flight that would take me directly to Minneapolis, and my waiting family.  Most families had 2 more flights ahead of them.

Our 4 hour layover seemed like it took forever.  My Mom was starting to feel very poorly. Her ears were killing her, and she was completely losing her voice.  I was exhausted, and Nur was confused.  It was FINALLY time to board our final plane.  I've taken the trip from Amsterdam to Minneapolis several times, yet the flight never seemed so long.  Nur was awake for almost the entire thing, my Mom was in so much pain she was clutching both ears, and was rendered useless to me.  I longed to be reunited with TT, to assure her that even though I left her for 8 days, that I was still her mama and loved her so very very much.  I JUST WANTED TO BE HOME. And that 9 hour flight could not have seemed any longer.

We landed in Minneapolis, and got off that plane as soon as we could, only to get in a very long line of people going through immigration.  Someone motioned us forward, and told us we could skip the line because we had a young child.  We gave the immigration officer Nur's sealed package, and he went through each document.  He then congratulated us on the adoption of our son, and we were through.  We got our bags, went down an elevator, and as soon as we got out of the elevator, I saw our family waiting for us.  T was there, holding TT.  Little 3 month old TT had a purple headband on, and a brand new purple outfit T had gotten during our week away.  I saw my Dad, and my sister S, her husband R, and daughter C.  I saw T's brother and his brother's wife, and two children, holding balloons.  I was holding Nur and literally ran through the doors.  T took Nur and I grabbed TT from him and head her tight.  She felt so light. . . so little, next to that 15 pound Nur I had been holding for days.  I nuzzled my head in hers and sobbed.  Just sobbed.  My sobs were for so many different reasons.  Perhaps I was overly tired, or perhaps my favorite and safest place in the world is with my family, and after years of waiting, the four of us were together. 

We have coined today "Nur Day" in our family.  Today after work, we'll be taking the kids to Chucky E Cheese to celebrate.  I can't wait to share pictures later this week.

Feeling very blessed today to be where I am.

Ode to the Pumpkin Patch

Sunday October 9th we loaded the kids in the car and headed to the "country" to go to our very first pumpkin patch.  (T and I are pretty sure we had never been to one either)

It was a beautiful location.  There was a live band which the kids loved and as soon as they heard the music they both started dancing.  There were helicopter rides, hayrides, a huge corn maze, petting farm, bouncy houses, food, and of course pumpkins!

The kiddos favorite part was definitely the petting zoo.  Both Nur and TT are way into animals right now, so this was a really big deal to them!

TT liked to hug all the animals.  She then hugged a little girl who was petting the animals.  I thought it was precious. . . the little girl on the receiving end of the hug did not.  Oh, and notice TT's black eye? That's a story for another day! Nur was fearless and even pet a big cow as he moo'ed at it.  Precious!

After the petting zoo we went to pick out our pumpkins.  The kids thought this was pretty cool!  And my dear TT of course had to hug the pumpkins.  My kids really make me smile.

I love this time of year, and I love creating these memories with my family.  It was an oddly warm 85 degrees on Sunday as well, and after an hour at the pumpkin patch, Nur and TT had had enough and we headed home.