The Not Perfect Days

Watching the emotions of my children is so interesting.  Their emotions are impulsive. . . just like that of adults.  Some days I sit at work, and I feel like a manic.  I will be stressed about life one moment, and the next moment, I am thinking about how lovely life is, and how everything is really falling into place.  Then the next moment, I'm stressing about a recent behavior of a child.  It's interesting, because I see these same manic emotions in my children. Just yesterday, TT was so happy beyond belief when her favorite song started playing.  She came and ran to me squealing, and then proceeded to hug my leg.  Then the next moment, she was throwing herself down on the floor and having a tantrum and was insolable. 

I get it.  If I wasn't an adult. . . I think I would show my emotions in the same fashion.  But with age comes a certain level of maturity, and well, I just don't think my boss would put up with the type of tantrum that Scarlett was throwing yesterday. 

Life is good.  And life is coming together in many different ways that feels good, healthy, and necessarily progressive.  And some days?  Some days are very hard.  Some days I want to throw in the towel, but I obviously can't cause I'm a mom and these kids rely on me for everything, and I love them more than anything and would never want to let them down in any way. 

Nur is still struggling with unpredictable emotions.  He doesn't always do good in public settings and has been known to throw many tantrums while out in public.  Just this weekend, he had an absolute screaming fit while at school, which caused us to pack up the kids and head home a bit early.  Saturday people came over, and he freaked out.  Sunday he had one tantrum after another, and was only happy if me, MAMA, was holding him all day long, and I'm sorry, but I can't haul an almost 30 pound child around all day.  And I shouldn't have to.  We were at home. . . just the 4 of us. . .Nur was in his safe place.  I was annoyed at his behavior, and was too tired to want to deal with it. 

Some days, I feel like a complete parenting fail to Nur.  Some days, I feel more short tempered with him than I do with TT, and I don't know why.  Some days, he tests me to the limit.  He is a smart boy, and can be cunning at times.  He knows exactly what buttons to push with me.  Some days, I go to bed completely depleted and not happy at all with the way I handled things with Nur.  Sometimes I feel like such a disappointment. Some days I want to tell Nur to get over this behavior cause I no longer have the patience.  And some times, I raise my voice too much, and then feel horrible afterwards.

Not all days are perfect.

And then there is TT.  She always seems to have a cold, or cutting a tooth, or not sleeping well, or some reason that she is just a bit off.  This girl will go from happy and laughing to having a complete meltdown in a matter of seconds.  She likes to hit (and I'm her favorite person to hit) and when I firmly tell her no, she then hugs me to make up for it.  She is wild and impulsive and when she doesn't get her way, she also likes to hit her brother, and it's not rare for her to have 3-4 timeouts a day.  TT also likes to throw her food, and what bothers me, is that I have a feeling she knows what she is doing is wrong.  This child has the highest highs and the lowest lows, and sometimes I wonder if she gets away with too much, sometimes I worry that I didn't exhibit enough patience with her that day, and sometimes I worry that this behavior is because she is craving attention from me and not getting enough of it.

We have incredible days in our family.  Days where I think life is almost perfect, and that I'm so in love with my family.  And then these days are followed by incredibly difficult days that bring me down to earth and remind me that I'm not in conrol of any of us. 

I just hope so strongly that my children know as they go to sleep every night, how much they are loved and adored by me. If nothing else, I NEED them to know that.