Adult Space

I'm not going to lie. . . I'm a bit OCD about clutter.  As in. . . I hate it.  And well. . . kids accumulate a lot of stuff, and from day one, I was adamant that my house not look like I ran a daycare for 10 children.  It's an on going struggle, and most days I lose.  But for the past few weeks, I've really been focused on organizing.  Most of our toy boxes are in the kids' bedrooms, as well as their big fire trucks, and baby strollers, and train sets.  Nicely organized in their rooms. . . and I'd show if they weren't both napping.

But the living room?  Well, I'm taking this space back.  Sure, when they are awake we can use this as a play area, but then when we're done with that particular toy, it goes, "bye bye."

My living room. . .

It's not void of toys. . . There just aren't many.  Of course, I do have this lovely whicker basket. . . apparently that people buy for laundry, but for me, it houses many toys.

And because it's 5:00 somewhere, don't mind if I do!  (As I catch up on blogs of course)



Composing My Thoughts

Yesterday my brain was mush.  I was scared for my little girl, not 100% confident in the diagnosis received, and anxious to wait for more answers. 

You see. . . I'm not loving her diagnosis of Androgenetic Alopecia.  What that diagnosis tells me, is that they couldn't find anything else wrong with her, but there is absolutely no doubt that Scarlett has lost hair and had thinning hair on top of her head, so there is definitely something going on.  They were able to rule out a few things, which I guess is progress in terms of making a diagnosis, but we didn't get a definitive answer.

Going into this, I was almost 100% sure that Scarlett was pulling her own hair out.  She has a hair fixation.  She is always pulling her hair and twisting and twirling it.  I wasn't going to be happy with that diagnosis because that's a hard habit to stop, but I was going to live with it, and work on finding another way for her to soothe herself.  I was so sure that's what this was.  Well. . . the biopsy she had done completely ruled that out. 

You see. . . Androgenetic Alopecia is really just a fancy name for Male Pattern/Female Pattern Baldness.  Which to me, just means, Your daughter is losing her hair, and we don't know why.  If this was a 30 or 40 year old man with that same diagnosis, there would be no need to look further.  When you get older, you may lose your hair. That's  normal. I googled this condition, and yes, it's very common in older men and women.  And once in a while, it can even present itself in the early teen years.  But I couldn't find anything on this condition presenting itself on a 1 year old.  Nothing.  When her doctor called me yesterday, she even said that she didn't feel comfortable giving this diagnosis on someone Scarlett's age, prescribing her some Rogaine to help the hair grow back, and sending her on her way.  Why?  Because when someone this age has this, there is something behind it.  There has to be.  Right?

So, on February 2nd (a week from today) I will take Scarlett to see an Endocrinologist at the University of MN.  Chances are, they will want her to undergo a CT or an MRI.  That scares me a lot.  Not only because Scarlett will once again have to be sedated, but because of what they are looking for.  They are looking for tumors that would throw off Scarlett's hormones.  Tumors.  That freaks me out.  I've been reassured that the main growths would be on the pituitary, and that these are usually benign (non cancerous) but I can't help be scared. 

Nothing is good enough for my children, so in addition to the appointment at the UofM next week, I will also be bringing Scarlett to the Mayo Clinic the following week.  Mayo ranks #1 in the country for Endocrinology (as well as many other things) I want/need a second opinion.  However, when I take Scarlett to Mayo, they will have her start right back in Dermatology.  That's a little annoying, but at the same time, maybe they'll completely disagree with the UofM's diagnosis and set me on another path.  Or best case scenario, they'll review the biopsy results and blood work and say, "It's because of this, and all her hair will grow back soon and she's perfectly healthy."  All I know is I'm feeling in my gut that a second opinion is the way to go. 

As a parent, I think all of our worst fears is that something could happen to our children.  I've never loved anything so much as I love my Khalil and my Scarlett.  Oh, I love Taher too, but the love I feel for those kids of mine is something fierce.  Right now, I'm simply trying not to get ahead of myself.  Chances are, this is NOT life threatening.  Chances are, something small, or not at all is going on.  I have to keep reminding myself of that, because when I let my mind go towards the what ifs, I feel positively sick.

The Diagnosis Is In

And it surprised me a bit.

The thing I thought it was has been ruled out.  They have completely ruled out that TT is pulling out her own hair.  A few other things were ruled out as well.  They all had big fancy names to them, and I can't remember those big fancy names.  Things such as stress were ruled out.  So, the big diagnosis is:

Androgenetic Alopecia

I don't love that diagnosis.  I would have prefered the "your daughter is pulling her hair out diagnosis."

What this diagnosis basically means (in the words of the dermatologist) is that TT has something most likely going on hormonally that causes this.  Even though her blood work was all normal, something is causing this, and the Dermatologist now thinks it would be best if we started seeing Endocrinology.  She mentioned the next step possibly being a CT scan to check for benign growths on her puitary gland or ovaries. 

Yes, I immediately started freaking out at this, and mentioned cancer.  The doctor said that cancer would most likely show up in the blood work.  Okay, good.  But why were all of her blood tests normal, yet she is still getting a biopsy result stating that whatever is happening has to do with her hormones?

I'm confused, scared, sad at what this diagnosis could mean. (A lifetime of Rogaine?)  I have an appointment with Endocrinology for next week, but I'm also in talks with the Mayo Clinic as they have the best Endocrinology department in the world.

And Then There Was My Daughter

So yesterday I had a big of a bragging session on Nur, so today I thought I would dedicate to TT.

She turned 18 months this month, and we've really been struggling.  During Christmas break, she came down with a nasty cold.  It started to get better, and then she must have gotten hit with a new virus, because her cold got worse, and this time it was with a lot of coughing.  Her cough sounded like a bark, and was so severe that she threw up the contents of her tummy several times because of it.  And then on top of it, she had her scalp biopsy (and I'm STILL waiting for results) and then on Friday had to go get her stitch out, which was painful for her.  So, she's had a really difficult month.  I mean really difficult.

TT isn't sleeping well, (I'm sure the cough has something to do with that) she is extremely clingy and when awake, won't let go of me, she doesn't have an appetite, and this little petite thing doesn't have much of a reserve so that makes this mama nervous. (At her 18 month appointment she weighed 21 pounds.  13th%) 

I had the doctor examine her Friday when getting her stitch out because she's been so sick, and she got a clean bill of health.  Her doctor said colds can really linger.  Yes, this cold has definitely lingered!

She's also been naughty lately.  She hits me at times, and the hitting is usually brought on by her feeling anxiety.  She yells, acts out, and has just been a handful.  Last night as I was changing her diaper, I decided to reach my hand in her mouth, and I noticed that her 4 canines are all starting to break through the gums, and I'm wondering if that is part of her just general "oochiness."

The stages we go through with our kids is always so interesting.  So far, my kids have been kind to me, and only one goes through their "thing" at a time. This has been helpful.

Sometimes I also wonder if TT is bored.  We don't get out much because January's in Minnesota are brutal.  I decided to check out a music class and we'll be going ot that tonight.  Sometimes I wonder if she just needs more stimulation.

A couple pictures of my girl.  Who I love so much. . . good moods and bad.

All About Nur

My little Nur isn't so little anymore. In fact, every time I see him, I almost gasp.  He's gotten so tall, and thin, yet muscular.  He's losing all baby right before my eyes, and for some reason, I'm having a hard time with this.  His sissy is losing her baby as well, but with Nur I feel like I never got to properly celebrate and enjoy him being a baby.  I missed the first 10 months of his life, and then when he finally did get home, I feel like I was in a year long fog that I'm finally emerging from.  Does that make any sense?  And during this year, he's gone from a baby to a full grown boy. 

Nur has been so good lately.  Some of the anxieties we've seen in him before are going away.  I know they can (and will) resurface, but right now we are enjoying how easy going this child is of ours.  And he is easy going. 

All day long, he goes, goes goes!  As long as he has trucks to play with, and music to listen to, he's the happiest toddler on the block.  He can be found with a truck in each hand, rolling them across our hardwood floors, running them in to each other, and making truck noises. 

He is the best eater, and will eat anything we put in front of him, no complaining ever.  He never has to be told to drink his milk.  He looks forward to that cup of milk at every meal time. 

When we deviate from our routine, Nur is just a go with the flow kind of kid.  I'll ask him to get his shoes, and he'll run and get them, and come with his coat (He's learned quickly that January in Minnesota is not pleasant!).  He rides in the car so well, happily listening to music, and asking for more every time a song ends.

He is sleeping beautifully these days!  At 7pm, he's almost asking to go to bed, and sleeps soundly until about 5:30am. 

This child has a kind disposition.  He gets upset when TT cries, and willingly will offer her toys to play with.  He loves to give hugs and kisses and just being close to Mama and Baba. He loves when he gets up from his nap before his sissy, and we sit in my bed and eat crackers and turn on a cartoon.  He'll look over at me and smile, and know that we have something special. 

When Nur does get upset, he's so easy to soothe.  I hold him close to me and rub his back, and in 5-10 seconds, he's calmed down. 

He now loves company, where he went through a period of screaming anytime someone walked through the door.  The past two weekends we've had dinner guests, and Nur has loved every minute of it.  Our dinner guests on Saturday were my cousin and his wife, and my cousin just happens to be an accomplished musician who just happened to bring a violin to our house.  He played the kids music, and Nur just smiled the entire time.  His facial expression was the epitome of pure joy.

I'm learning that these kids of ours go through their phases.  I know Nur will go through rough stages again, but right now I'm appreciative at how easy going he is.  I'm really appreciative because his sister is the opposite of easy going at the moment, but more on that another day. 

I'm so loving my son, and so thankful that he's in our lives.

Siblings

A work friend of mine had twin boys (almost 3 years ago) and has been gracious to give me hand me downs.  So many beautiful dress outfits, as well as some casual wear.  And because she has twins, we've gotten 2 of almost every outfit. 

Recently, I dressed TT up in one of the outfits just for fun.  TT is wearing 18 month clothes and Nur is wearing 2T clothes so they almost fit into the same stuff!  Granted. . . TT's jump suit was a bit big for her, but T and I laughed so hard at our kids in their matching outfits.  T also looked at TT in her jump suit and declared that this is what our biological boy would look like.

I love seeing these two together.  They are siblings, and with that comes the fighting, the stealing of toys, the competition for attention.  But mostly, there is just love.  These two love each other so much and really look out for each other.  I am blessed.

Also - I've realized that TT doesn't have to ALWAYS wear pink and purple.  (hee hee) and many of Nur's clothes (PJs mostly) are now being passed down to TT.

Potty Training

I have felt no pressure to potty train my kids. . . at all.  Nur just turned 2 in December, and TT just turned 18 months.  Some people act like there is a magic age of when this should happen.  Case in point. . . T's Mom has been mentioning potty training for months.  We should start potty training, we should just hang them over a toilet after every meal.  I politely ignored her suggestions because I just didn't agree with them.  Then for Nur's birthday, T's parents got both my kids their very own potty.  Okay, thanks for the not so subtle hint.  I get it.  But again, I felt no pressure.

For one, Nur is a boy.  And although there are many boys who are potty trained at or before the age of 2, Nur is no where near ready.  Before potty training, usually comes the verbal ability to communicate the need to potty.  Nur has about 5-10 words.  He is very behind verbally, and I do think this will make him behind on potty training.  I asked his pediatrician at his 2 year check up the appropriate age to start, and his response was anywhere from 2 to 3 and a half.  Well, I'll make my goal getting Nur out of diapers before he's 4. 

Then there is TT.  She just turned 18 months, and yes, I've heard from my parents that was how old I was when potty trained, but to be honest, potty training is work, and you have to be consistent with it, and frankly, I'm lacking the energy right now to put in the effort, and, I just don't see what the hurry is.  Let's fast forward to a couple of weeks ago.  TT stripped down. . . completely naked.  Then she walked into the kitchen, and pooped on the floor.  T and I laughed hysterically while cleaning up the mess and watching TT run around saying, "uh oh."  Yes. . . only a behavior her parents could love. :)  But then a couple days later, TT takes her pants off again, and points to her diaper and says "poo poo."  I check, and no poo poo, but I asked her if she wanted to sit on the toilet.  She said yes.  Well, really, she said, "Yesh."  So, I pulled out her potty and she pooped on the toilet.  What the heck?  Ever since then, she'll pull down her pants and say "poo poo" but she's always already gone, so she is just telling me.  She also pulled her pants down to go "pee pee."  I put her on her toilet, and nothing.  She then ran into her bedroom naket and peed on the floor.  Hmm. . . Again, I'm not forcing this at all.  I'm watching TT's cues and if she continues to show interest, I'll continue putting her on the potty. 

Then I get to work yesterday, and T informed me that Nur just went poop on the toilet!

Not sure what our future of potty training holds, but apparently, we have two toddlers who are starting to show interest.  We shall see!

TT's Procedure is Complete

Yesterday morning at 8am, TT and I walked out the door.  She was so excited to get to leave with Mama.  Nur on the other hand was not pleased at all that I was leaving with TT and leaving him home with the nanny.  I kept assuring him that he would have much more fun than his sister!

We got to the University of MN at 8:30am and TT got her gown on.  She was a bit overwhelmed and shy, but they she got some meds to relax, and boy did she relax!  She was "talking" constantly and as happy as could be.  The anesthesiologists came in to talk to me as did her doctor.  At about 9:30, I carried TT into the procedure room.  She was laughing and pointing to things asking everyone, "What's this? What's this?"  Then the anesthesiologist had me hold down her arms and he put the gas mask over her face.  TT screamed and turned bright red and cried so hard that my heart hurt for her. Then she went limp, and I was escorted out of the room. 

TT's nurse came in and let me know everything was going well.  She told me kids can take up to an hour to wake up.

Then the anesthesiologist came in and told me TT woke up immediately.  Next thing I knew, a doctor was bringing TT to me and TT was crying out, "Mama, Mama."  I held her and she kept trying to remove the IV in her foot.  She screamed, and screamed, and screamed, and the doc and nurse kept telling me kids don't usually react this badly.  Her blood pressure was through the roof. . . probably due to the screaming.  She has 1 little stitch on the top of her head. 

Finally, the nurse told us we could go home, even though they didn't get a good blood pressure on TT yet.  TT just wanted out of there. 

She passed out in the car, rosey cheeks and all, and wouldn't let go of me the rest of the day.

So thankful that is over, and I'm hoping to have results in 2 weeks. . . or less.

A 2011 Wrap Up

I love reflecting, and having a blog really allows me to look back at all that occurred during the year.  Sometimes we sit around at the New Year, and it feels like our year was filled with so little.  But big and small things are happening all the time.  Every day that passes helps us to be exactly who we are striving to be.

2011 was for the most part, a good year.  And here were some of the highlights for me.

1.  Nur became a walker at about 15-16 months.  Now, Nur is a full on walker, runner and there is no longer a physical deficit between him and other kiddos his age.  So proud of him!

2.  TT went from a baby who could barely even sit up to a full grown toddler who can walk, run and get into everything.  My baby is officially gone!

3.  We took our first big family vacation.  We drove 3.5 hours to Wisconsin Dells and had a wonderful time!

4.  T and I spent a weekend in Chicago. . . just the two of us, and left the kids with my parents.  It was a wonderful time spent together.

5.  I worked on myself for the first time in a long time.  I am now 50 pounds less than I was when I gave birth to TT, and approximately 25 pounds less than I was before I got pregnant with her.

Right before conceiving Scarlett

 36 weeks pregnant

 Early December 2011

6.  We celebrated too many special occassions to count!

Easter

 TT's 1st Birthday

 Nur's Adoption Day

 Nur's 2nd Birthday

 Our 2nd Christmas together

It was an amazing year in so many ways.  My family is my joy.  I am so thankful for them. They mean the world to me, and they are my everything.

TT - 18 Months

My baby girl is 18 months old.  (Well, technically tomorrow Jan 6 she will be)

Something incredible has happened with TT this month.  She has become a person.  A person who talks, and has opinions.  She has compassion and empathy.  She has lost all baby in her.  Now she is a real live person and I could not love this child any more. 

TT is all sugar and spice.  I've never seen a sweeter child, and I've never seen as "naughty" of a child.  TT has so many emotions, and I'm noticing her highs are high, and her lows are low.

Let's focus on her highs first.  She loves kissing everything and now makes a kissing sound while doing it.  She will spontaneously come up to me and hug me, and then kiss my lips.  Absolutely melts my heart.  She loves to come up to Nur and give him random hugs.  And her Baba, and babies, and the Christmas Tree (when it was up).  The other day, I brought up the vaccuum, and yes, she insisted on kissing that too.  The other day before dinner, she kissed her food prior to eating it.  She gives the most intense bear hugs I have ever witnessed.  I mean, she squeezes with every ounce of energy in her.  It's pure bliss and when she does it, whoever is on the receiving end simply melts. 

TT is in that answer no to every question stage.  However, she now says yes when asked if she loves certain people.  TT, do you love mama?  Yesh.  Do you love Baba?  Yesh.  And she smiles so big when she answers these questions. 

TT also feels compassion, and when her brother is upset, she goes and consoles him.  She also now enjoys T and I to fake cry so she can console us.  This girl is a lover.

TT's favorite game is for T and I to ask where something is around the house.  We will say, "Where is the window" and she'll run over and touch it.  "Where is the floor?" Etc, etc.  She LOVES this game, and everyday, we'll add a new object so she can learn it.  She has also started asking us the question and will run around the house asking, "What's this?" "What's this?"  It's hilarious. 

Her word explosion is unbelievable and if she keeps going at this pace, she'll be fully conversational by the time she turns 2!  You know how they say to talk to a newborn?  Well, I talked to TT constantly, and sometimes felt silly doing it, but I think it's paid off.  This girl is vocal! 

Some of her words are:

Yes
No
More
Please
Thank You
Baby
Barbie
Abby
Auntie
Grandma
Grandpa
Nana
Gidu
Mama
Baba
Fish
Turtle
Row Row
Jack = Her cousin  (And it sounds a lot like quack)
Up
Down
Beast
What's that
Tummy
Owl
What happened
Uh oh
Nur
Car
Bus
Choo choo
Book
Out
Hot
Goat

Granted, all the words aren't perfect, but these are the words she uses that I actually know what she is talking about. 

And remember how I said she has highs AND lows?  Well, Little Miss TT is an emotional girl and her feelings get hurt very easily.  She is short fused and when something frustrates her, she hits what's in her path.  We are working on redirecting that, and I'm not quite sure where her temperament comes from, but T and I are actively trying to teach TT right from wrong.  (And we are hoping this is a phase she grows out of quickly!

Some other fun stuff about where TT is at in her life.  TT has a love affair with her uncles, and she is blessed with 4 awesome uncles.  Anytime I say the word uncle, she goes into a crazy giggle, throws her head back and laughs.

I am blessed to be this child's mama.

Some recent photos.

TT's Procedure

On Tuesday, January 3rd, I brought TT to the doctor for a follow up on her balding on the top of her head.  The doctor said it hasn't gotten any better, but it also hasn't gotten any worse, and her recommendation is that TT gets a scalp biopsy done. 

I'm not going to lie. . . this scares me.  Because of TT's age, they will put her under conscious sedation which will be administered through an IV.  I don't want to put my child through pain, but the doctor recommends this, and I need to trust her opinion.  Apparently, the biopsy will show if this hair loss is do to something hormonal, genetic, or if Scarlett is pulling her hair.  I asked the doctor what happens if the results show nothing, and she said that we'll then do a CT scan on TT's entire body to see what's going on inside.  Again. . . that makes me scared and worried. 

In the doctor's words. . . she doesn't feel comfortable not knowing what is causing this.  The looks part doesn't bother me.  TT's hair is so long around the baldness that it is easily covered up.  What bothers me is the not knowing.  Because according to the doctor, kids don't just lose their hair at this age for no reason. 

A part of me is hoping that we find out that TT is pulling her hair.  We'll need to find a way for her to stop that behavior, but at least it won't be a medical issue, which is what I really fear. 

A lot of people tell me that they can't notice any hair loss on TT.  Well, that's because this mama has perfected brushing her hair a certain way to hide it as much as possible.  I'm going to share this picture, and I just want you to know that the picture breaks my heart.

You can't deny the baldness.  It's there.  But this mama can make this beautiful girls curls look like this.

A week from today, TT will get a biopsy of her scalp done, and get a couple stitches.  I am praying this is all behind us soon.

Musings from a Temporary Stay at Home Mom

I'm back to work.  My company shuts down between Christmas and New Year's, and it was amazing to get that time with my kids.  I can't imagine anyone else I would rather spend my time with.

Let's go back a bit.  First there was Christmas.  Christmas was nice, but TT came down with a nasty cold Christmas Eve Day, and her mood was not good.  She didn't feel well, was extremely fussy and clingy, and this made everything a bit more difficult.  But, it was still nice being with family.

This year, we let the kids have their first candy canes.  They were very impressed by this thing called candy.

This next picture pretty much sums up TT's mood.

Being a stay at home mom is very hard.  Women who do it are nothing short of amazing to me.  And I have to say, staying home with my kids for the week was more fulfilling than my corporate job will ever be.  Staying home was also easier for me than juggling a career and motherhood.  I got to sleep in a little later because I didn't have to get up and shower and look presentable.  I didn't have to quickly feed the kids breakfast before rushing out the door.  I got to go at a slower pace.  I got to do laundry throughout the day.  I was able to scrub floors daily during naps, and organize spaces. 

Granted. . . I only stayed home for a little over a week.  Perhaps if I did this on a daily basis, I wouldn't sound so optimistic.  But I enjoyed a week of not having to answer to anyone except my 1 and 2 year old.  I enjoyed getting to spend so much time with them. I enjoyed having a clean house. I enjoyed planning daily outings with the kids.  We went to indoor gyms, a winter holiday party, we swam, we went to Target, we went on playdates.    It was all amazing. 

And now I'm back to work.  I'm grateful for the job I have, and the income I need.  I'm grateful for the opportunity that I was given to spend so much time with my kids, and I look forward to the next opportunity.

I have so much more to say, but will save it for another day.  A little someone turns a year and a half on Friday, and that deserves a post of it's own.  And someone got some news at the doctor yesterday that has me worried.  I need to find the blogging routine again.  Soon. 

And a few more pics.