How I'm Handling Life

I read blogs from other Mom's, and I often think, "Wow! They have it so together!"

If you are a reader of my blog, you may even think that I have it together.  But I don't.  My life is chaos.  I don't always open up the window of my chaos because let's face it. . . blog readers don't usually want the truth.  They want to know that you are making it work.   Because if I can make it work, perhaps someone else can make it work too.  And then there are other blog readers who take any sort of reality as a complaint.  I'm not complaining.  This is just simply my life. 

I go to work everyday, and constantly think about my children.  I get jealous that there is someone else caring for them.  I sometimes crunch numbers and wonder if I could pull off being a stay at home mom for a bit. I worry that the fact that someone else is taking care of them will hurt our long term attachment. I worry that they love their nanny more than me. 

I watch the clock all day long.  I think about all the things I want to do with my children.  I want to get home and do something educational.  I want to bake cookies with them.  I want to sing songs with them.  I want to be the reason for their smiles and laughs.  At closing time, I rush out to my car, I drive home in a hurry, and I get there, and my motivation is gone.  The house is a complete mess, both children want to be held, I walk around holding one child, while the other child follows me, crawling, and whining the whole time because I'm not carrying him/her.  T gets home, we all play for a couple hours, completely unstructured, and then it's bedtime.  And as much as I missed my children all day, I can't wait until they are both sleeping because I'm exhausted.

As T and I are sitting on the floor playing with the kids, he and I talk about what we should do when they go to sleep.  Should we order Indian? Watch an episode of Dexter?  Watch a good documentary?  And then the kids go to bed, I iron the outfit I plan to wear to work the next day, wash bottles, and by this point, I can't keep my eyes open for another moment.  So, Indian food and Dexter will have to wait. I slip into bed by 8-8:30.  Afterall, I never know if a child will wake in the night.

The weekends.  Well, I always look so forward to the weekends.  And then they come, and it's so much work.  Much more work than going to my office job every day.  And because TT still seems to require two naps a day, there is no venturing out for long.  We basically have a small window between her first nap, lunch, and her second nap, where we could venture out of the house.  But the truth is, we usually don't because it's just too hard.  I haven't showered the past two weekends.  That's right.  No shower the entire weekend.  Twice.

Friends.  Well, I don't know if I have any left.  I actually haven't seen most of them since October when my sister threw a welcome home party for Nur.  No one asks me to hang out.  And why would they?  I always decline anyway.  I mean, who will watch my children?  T and I have no support system at all.  None.  My family is the most reliable, but my parents live 2 hours away.  My sister lives locally.  But she has a 16 month old, and is currently 17 weeks pregnant.  Yes. . . her hands are full.  T's parents live locally.  But we don't think they are up for caring for two babies that are in a high maintenance stage of their life.  Oh, and they've been in Egypt for several months anyway.  I need friends, and I feel like I don't have one.  At least not one that is local. 

My marriage.  Well, I hope it lasts this period of not being nurtured.  Because it's not.  T and I see each other for 5 minutes in the morning, when I leave for work and transfer parenting duties to him.  We may email during the day to tell each other we love each other, and then when T gets home from work, it's all about the kids.  We can't even hug each other, because Nur freaks out when we do.  We've mentioned going on a beach vacation, but who would watch our kids? I'd trust my parents more than anyone, but what? They are going to take a week off of work to take care of my babies? Doesn't seem feasible.  I'd love to just take a Saturday night to focus on us.  But again, who will watch the kids? Did I mention we don't really have a support system?  And yes, that is probably our fault.  I haven't spent any time nurturing relationships. . . even with my own husband.  T and I both walk through life as zombies right now. 

Nur and TT both bring me so much joy and happiness, but I feel like I'm hanging on by a very thin rope. I need to find a way to do it all.  I need to find a way to be a good wife, a good mother, a good friend. But the truth is, is that I'm just too tired.

A Confession

Adoption.

The Orphan.

I've touched on this all before.  We all adopt for different reasons.  For me, adoption was a way to become a mom.  At the time, I thought it was the only way to for me to become a mom.

I've always been interested in worldy affairs.  I've always followed current events of poverty throughout the world, and I've always had a sense that I wanted to do something with my life to help the less fortunate.  I just don't feel like adopting was what I had in mind to help the less fortunate. 

Adoption was a path to motherhood. 

Traveling to Ethiopia, I was curious to find out what emotions would be stirred up within me.  Would I become an adoption advocate like so many other adoptive parents have become?  Would I come home and realize that I wanted to adopt again?  Would I spread the word to family and friends about adoption in hopes that adoption would be placed on other people's hearts? 

No.

No.

and

No.

I was surprised by this.  I thought for sure after seeing Ethiopia, I'd find some life passion in helping and advocating for adoption.  I went into Ethiopia with an open mind.  Any time the mind is open, you may be greatly surprised with the conclusions you come to. 

Being in Ethiopia, instead of wanting to advocate for the orphan, my heart felt completely tugged at advocating for the birth parents.  While in Ethiopia, I saw extreme poverty.  I saw young mothers with no choice whatsoever except to choose adoption for their child.  I should restate this. . . these women had a choice, but their choice for their children many times meant life or death for the child, and these brave women chose life.  The sadness of adoption and loss was never more apparent than when I looked at myself and my other traveling companions, all holding our beautiful Ethiopian babies, while looking out into the streets and seeing complete despair and helplessness.  It's hard to explain, but I just felt wrong.  I felt like me taking Khalil to the U.S. to be my son was hurting Ethiopia more than it was helping.  They were losing something precious.  They lose precious citizens every single day through adoption. I felt like an entitled white person, coming to this poor land, and taking their most precious resource.

I couldn't help feeling like perhaps adoption isn't the answer for these children.

In a perfect world, adoption would not exist.  Birthparents would never have to choose adoption, and couples would never have to experience infertility.  I'm not blind and naive; I know we aren't living in a perfect world.  I also don't fault those that go to Ethiopia and are so compelled to help the orphan that they adopt again, and again, and again.  Or tell their friends about adoption. Or help fundraise so another couple can adopt.  I also don't want these precious children sitting in orphanages either.  I want these children to have families.  I just want the first choice for these children to be to stay with their birthparents in Ethiopia. Truly, that is what I feel is best for these children.

I just can't help the feeling that resources need to be going elsewhere.  I don't know what I can do (if anything) to help the situation in Ethiopia, but I want to somehow put money into the infrastructure.  I want to educate people about the child wife issue.  (Women as young as 7 at times get married in Ethiopia, and when they become pregant, often die during childbirth because of their immature bodies) I want to someway help the country so Ethiopians can parent their children. 

Sure, I could adopt again, and then perhaps again.  I can spread the word about adoption, which I think I do plenty of anyway, but it won't solve the issues occuring there.  The issues run so much deeper. . . something that was so apparent to me while there.  I couldn't help the feeling while in Ethiopia that adopting Khalil just wasn't enough.  I wasn't helping solve the problem.  I was becoming a mom, and hopefully Khalil being my son will also give him happiness and opportunities, but it simply never felt like enough.  Not while I was in Ethiopia, and not now. 

Yes, I am surprised.

These weren't the emotions I was expecting to leave Ethiopia with.  But like I said, I went in with an open mind, and I left completely changed.  And I still feel compelled to help. Ethiopia was an amazing country with some of the most wonderful people I've ever met.  I just don't know if how I'm going to help is going to look a little different now.  I have a few ideas running through my head about things I can do.  And I know I'm just one person and the impact may not be huge, but I just feel so strongly about finding a way for these children to stay in Ethiopia.

And yes.

This adoptive mama to my Ethiopia prince is very surprised that these are the emotions I left Ethiopia with.

Nur - 15 Months

Technically, Nur turned 15 months on March 3rd, but I wanted to wait to do this post until his 15 month doctor's appointment. 

Nur's doctor appointment went great, and sometimes I need to remember what Nur looked like when he came home in October.  His first doctor's appointment back in October, he was off the charts small in height, weight, and head circumference.  

Now, Nur weighs almost 23 pounds, and is in the 20% for weight, the 27% for height, and the 13% for head circumference.  Okay, I know these are only numbers, but I take such joy in seeing Nur doing so well.  He's growing, he's thriving, and this mama could not be more proud!

Nur is a happy boy, who seems to be adjusting really well to his new reality.  He laughs a ton. (check out the video on the previous post for an example of his cute little giggle) He loves to eat, and just recently, his first 2 teeth popped through! And by recently, I mean just this Monday! And these were his first teeth, so I was a little nervous at the lateness of them, but now, he's already starting to pop a third tooth out!  He eats anything and everything.  Some of his favorites are apples and chicken, sweet potatoes and turkey, and peas.  I also started feeding him yogurt and he seems to love that.  For snacks, his favorite are graham crackers and veggie thins. We also just recently got Nur off of formula, and are now starting to wean him from the bottle, and only give him whole milk through a sippy cup. 

This picture shows Nur's favorite place in the house. . . looking out the large bay window.  He loves watching the cars go by.  He also loves to crawl to the window anytime T and I are coming and going. 

 Nur is also doing very well developmentally. Especially looking at how short of a time he's been home! He is on the verge of walking!  He now lets go of things, and can stand independently.  The record we have timed is standing for about 20 seconds. . . unsupported.  He has also taken his first steps!  He walks between T and I, and the record for steps is 7 in a row.  Seriously, I think this boy will be walking easily by Easter. :)

Look! No hands!!!

Nur sleeps like a champ, and now we are transitioning him to one nap instead of two.  We put him to bed at night around 7pm, and he sleeps through the night, and wakes anywhere from 6:30-7:30am. 

Most of the time, Nur is a happy go lucky baby, but don't get me wrong, we have difficult days with him as well.  He is in this whiney stage, and T and I don't know what he's whining about half the time.  Adoption is difficult.  Sometimes we'll hold Nur and he'll just cry.  We don't know why.  He's dry. . . his tummy is full. . . he's being held.  Sometimes I look at him and think this is him mourning all he's lost.  Sometimes I think it's the pain of teething.  And sometimes I think he's just being a toddler.  I don't know. . . but I do know because Nur is adopted, we do psychoanalyze his cries. . . probably too much.

More good stuff about this wonderful son of mine.  He's sweet.  Really sweet.  He'll be playing, and then just come over to T and I to snuggle.  He also puckers his lips and gives kisses freely.  This boy is FULL of love. 

Nur is so ticklish. . . especially his tummy.  Nur loves to explore the house, and loves being mobile.  This boy puts on many miles a day!  He loves going on walks outside, and now that it's getting warmer out, this is possible.  Nur's favorite game is stealing his sister's pacifier, and then taking off with it!  TT tries to crawl after him, but he ends up pretty much doing laps around her.

Nur is very empathetic, and anytime TT cries, he starts crying.  Although sweet, it's also difficult having two crying babies at the same time.

His best friend in the world remains his sister.  These two love each other so much, and can cheer each other up like no other.  

Almost 6 months ago, we stepped off a plane and our new life as a family of 4 began.  We have good moments, and we have not so good moments, but we are learning as we go.  I still feel like I have much to learn about Nur, but everyday, we are working on bonding and attachment, and I know we'll get there eventually. 

TT- 8 Months Old

From the first day TT was born, she was full of personality.  I remember after giving birth to her, I wasn't feeling well and decided a night in the nursery for TT was what I needed so I could be more alert the next day.  So, I told the nurses that TT would be spending the night in the nursery so I could get some sleep.  I was fast asleep when a couple hours later, the nurse wheeled TT into my room, and said she was crying uncontrollably, and probably just needed her mom.  I didn't realize that nurses brought babies back if they weren't behaving, but I realized I wasn't going to get a night of sleep, that was for sure.  I picked TT up, and the crying stopped.  This first night with my baby girl has been very indicative of her personality the past 8 months.

Oh, and the toungue sticking out in the picture. . . the reason nursing and feedings in general have never been smooth for sweet little TT.  That little toungue pushes EVERYTHING out.

Staying home on my maternity leave was the happiest and hardest time of my life. I knew that being a stay at home mom was probably the hardest job in the world, but I thought I'd get a break once in a while.  But, TT was a colicky girl, and I walked circles around the inside of my house trying to soothe her.  I'm surprised I didn't burn holes in the wood floors with the miles I put on!  But I loved it. . . every moment of it.  And even as a newborn, TT wanted me by her side.  She and I did a lot of bonding in those first few days, and I hope the bond carries us through her entire life.

 
In a blink of an eye, TT was out of that squishy, newborn stage, and she started to exhibit characteristics of a real human!  She would make eye contact, smile, make noises, and play with toys.  I was back at work, which made me cherish every moment with this little girl more and more.  TT was still FULL of personality.  The girl knows what she wants, and it usually involves being close to her Mama. 

If it's even possible, I fall more in love with this girl everyday.  She is just sweet as sugar, and I love her little personality that is starting to show through so much right now.  I love the way she growls at people if she doesn't want them to come too close.  I love the way she clings to me if I try to put her down, I love the love and excitement in her eyes when she looks at her brother, and I love how adoringly she looks at her Baba.  I also love how she screams at people, and then laughs at herself, and I love how the smallest things will get her laughing uncontrollably.  She also might be the only baby I've ever known to wake up in the morning, and the first thing I hear through her baby monitor, is her laugh.  I love when she is on her changing table, and I reach my arms out to her, and every muscle in her arm and leg shakes with excitement and she smiles from ear to ear. 

I love how much we are alike.  I love Mt Dew. . . TT loves Mt. Dew.

I even love the not so perfect stuff.  Recently, TT got signed on to a modeling agency, and had her first photo shoot for a huge national chain.  Well, in fine form, as soon as I handed TT to the model who would be holding her during the photo shoot, she got really stiff, and her bottom lip came out. 

What I don't love?  This is all happening TOO fast.  I feel like you were just born yesterday, and now you're an 8 month old baby who is growing up so fast.  You are just starting to crawl, and yesterday, you pulled yourself up on a piece of furniture, with no help!  You are eating all sorts of food, you are growing out of your 9 month clothes already because you are such a tall girl, and you're starting to look more toddler than baby at times. 
Happy 8 months baby girl!

(A very special boy is now 15 months, and I plan on updating next week after his 15 month check up)