I read blogs from other Mom's, and I often think, "Wow! They have it so together!"
If you are a reader of my blog, you may even think that I have it together. But I don't. My life is chaos. I don't always open up the window of my chaos because let's face it. . . blog readers don't usually want the truth. They want to know that you are making it work. Because if I can make it work, perhaps someone else can make it work too. And then there are other blog readers who take any sort of reality as a complaint. I'm not complaining. This is just simply my life.
I go to work everyday, and constantly think about my children. I get jealous that there is someone else caring for them. I sometimes crunch numbers and wonder if I could pull off being a stay at home mom for a bit. I worry that the fact that someone else is taking care of them will hurt our long term attachment. I worry that they love their nanny more than me.
I watch the clock all day long. I think about all the things I want to do with my children. I want to get home and do something educational. I want to bake cookies with them. I want to sing songs with them. I want to be the reason for their smiles and laughs. At closing time, I rush out to my car, I drive home in a hurry, and I get there, and my motivation is gone. The house is a complete mess, both children want to be held, I walk around holding one child, while the other child follows me, crawling, and whining the whole time because I'm not carrying him/her. T gets home, we all play for a couple hours, completely unstructured, and then it's bedtime. And as much as I missed my children all day, I can't wait until they are both sleeping because I'm exhausted.
As T and I are sitting on the floor playing with the kids, he and I talk about what we should do when they go to sleep. Should we order Indian? Watch an episode of Dexter? Watch a good documentary? And then the kids go to bed, I iron the outfit I plan to wear to work the next day, wash bottles, and by this point, I can't keep my eyes open for another moment. So, Indian food and Dexter will have to wait. I slip into bed by 8-8:30. Afterall, I never know if a child will wake in the night.
The weekends. Well, I always look so forward to the weekends. And then they come, and it's so much work. Much more work than going to my office job every day. And because TT still seems to require two naps a day, there is no venturing out for long. We basically have a small window between her first nap, lunch, and her second nap, where we could venture out of the house. But the truth is, we usually don't because it's just too hard. I haven't showered the past two weekends. That's right. No shower the entire weekend. Twice.
Friends. Well, I don't know if I have any left. I actually haven't seen most of them since October when my sister threw a welcome home party for Nur. No one asks me to hang out. And why would they? I always decline anyway. I mean, who will watch my children? T and I have no support system at all. None. My family is the most reliable, but my parents live 2 hours away. My sister lives locally. But she has a 16 month old, and is currently 17 weeks pregnant. Yes. . . her hands are full. T's parents live locally. But we don't think they are up for caring for two babies that are in a high maintenance stage of their life. Oh, and they've been in Egypt for several months anyway. I need friends, and I feel like I don't have one. At least not one that is local.
My marriage. Well, I hope it lasts this period of not being nurtured. Because it's not. T and I see each other for 5 minutes in the morning, when I leave for work and transfer parenting duties to him. We may email during the day to tell each other we love each other, and then when T gets home from work, it's all about the kids. We can't even hug each other, because Nur freaks out when we do. We've mentioned going on a beach vacation, but who would watch our kids? I'd trust my parents more than anyone, but what? They are going to take a week off of work to take care of my babies? Doesn't seem feasible. I'd love to just take a Saturday night to focus on us. But again, who will watch the kids? Did I mention we don't really have a support system? And yes, that is probably our fault. I haven't spent any time nurturing relationships. . . even with my own husband. T and I both walk through life as zombies right now.
Nur and TT both bring me so much joy and happiness, but I feel like I'm hanging on by a very thin rope. I need to find a way to do it all. I need to find a way to be a good wife, a good mother, a good friend. But the truth is, is that I'm just too tired.
31 comments:
Oh, how I can relate to this.....
Thanks for opening up and let us have a glimpse into REALITY!
"Zombies" we are over here as well, lol, and we have two more kids coming in 9 days - HELP!!! :-O
This too shall pass!!
My hubby and I made it a goal to go out with friends once a month; hire a sitter and all. So much fun and so needed. Adult conversations are seriously one thing I'm looking forward to every month.
No other advice from this angle of the world - just "zombying" through life myself right now!
- mel
I teared up reading the because YES. Everything. Exactly as you said. Exactly. Especially the weekends. I miss my kids so much during the week, but I dread the weekends. Dread the long, long days.
I also go to bed between 8:00 and 9:00, actually freak out if I can't. My friends make fun of me, my husband rolls his eyes. But I am tired. So tired and no matter what time I go to bed I can't get past it. I'm tired all the time.
There are battles I have to choose not to have. Colt's diet and snacks are one of the things I don't worry about...but yet I obsess about it every second of the day and how I feel like I'm failing him that I don't force veggies and he eats fruit snacks and suckers every day after school.
Potty training, paci-breaking, and toddlers beds are next for him and I get so tired I want to cry when I think about it. And I feel like Owen is just flying past me and I have no time to focus on and celebrate him because I'm too tired and the 2-year-old is so consuming.
My kids watch a lot of TV, I stopped fighting TV at dinnertime a long time ago. I feel guilty every single time Sesame Street plays as we eat Little Caesar's at the table after a long day (at least we're together, right?) but I'm so exhausted I don't do anything about it.
So, I feel you. I really do. I will say that as they get older you'll find it easier to do things. I found in the last 4 months that Colt LOVES to help cook or bake. Get on the step stool and help stir or pour. Makes me feel like a good mom. And now that Owen is practicing walking I'm finding something I can actually DO for him that makes him excited. Outside time will help a lot, too when you guys can play in the yard and go to parks for swings. Get a little two-seater red wagon and it will change your life! My kids BEG to ride around the block in that...it's the little moments as a family I try to focus on and feel good about.
As for marriage...maybe you can ask your parents to come visit once a month? Get time with the kids, your sister and you and T go run around? If you plan far ahead it should be ok. Or maybe send one or both kids to their house for a weekend every few months? In the end, you guys are in this together and I KNOW you'll not only survive but one day you'll look back and laugh. I have two kids close together, too, and John and I talk all the time about how this is just a phase in our life right now.
I've gone on and on. But PLEASE FB me anytime you need to vent. I have felt/am feeling every single thing you posted today. Hugs!
I would bet that every person reading this post can relate in more than one way! We are just trying to survive till we can get through the haze!
You're a great mom! You can do this!
It is tough, really tough. I can hardly stay awake right now typing this...zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Someone at our church was talking about this. She was saying the exact same thing. Everyone was trying to tell her that she is doing a great job...Maybe she was being to hard on herself.
I didn't have much to say. Yes, I do stay home with Levi, but there are days when I feel like I am not doing a good job...days when dinner is not made....days when all I want to do is hand Levi over to James as soon as he walks through the door...days when I leave clothes unfolded the entire week...and days when I feel lonely.
(It's funny because I compare myself to moms who work outside the home and think THEY must have it together more than me.)
There really is nothing anyone can say because it's the expectations we put on ourselves as a wife and mother.
I know it this may not mean much coming from me. (We only know each other from blogging) But I have to say that you are a great mom. You have set your expectations high and that's okay. Just don't beat yourself up too bad if you fall short. Trust me we all do.
As for other people's lives...I am learning that everything is not as it appears. Everyone is dealing with their own "stuff".
Obviously I am not in your shoes and couldn't possible understand, but it does make me tired for you thinking of it! My only suggestion would be to look into a local youth group to look for baby-sitters, even if it's someone you take with you on outings. When I was younger I remember one kid I babysat and I usually just went to the grocery store with them, or played with him while she cooked. Take a trip, but take someone with you. I never got to do that, but my youth girls LOVE to nanny on a trip, you get the best of both worlds, your whole family together and an extra set of hands that loves your child (without the worry of leaving them solo). Just a thought and I hope it's not one of those that is irritating. I wish I lived close, I'd come over and watch your cuties so you and T could go on a date! I hate that your support system is not there, ours is not here either and I am already anticipating how hard that will be! Sending you lots of love!!!
I felt the EXACT same way after I had my first child. My mom watched him, which was nice, but when he started calling her mama---- that was the straw that broke the camels back. It was just before he turned 1 and I quit my job. We were dirt poor and it was hard, but some how it all worked out. I have now been a stay at home mom for 11 years. I hope it all works out for you!!
Leah, like so many of the above comments I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling. Obviously I have no clue what it is like to have two but I know that Ezra alone is a handful!!! I am finding this toddler stage to be really tough and it has only just begun. Did you see my recent post? I am already doing time outs with Ezra because he has started with the manipulation already. It is exhausting!!! My friend, who has an 11 month old, and I were chatting and both couldn't remember the last time we stayed up past 10pm. I am usually in bed by 9 and when my head hits the pillow I am out from pure exhaustion. I have a lot of days when I feel like I am not doing a good enough job and think I could have shown him more patience. At the end of the day I do try and forgive myself. It's hard work! Damon and I have not been out just the two of us since Ezra came home. I have gone out with girlfriends and he has gone out with guy friends but our marriage is definitely being neglected at the moment. I also find it really hard not to have my family close. My mom is someone that I know I could leave Ezra with for an evening but she lives 13 hours away!!! Not having them close has been a big struggle for me too. I am here for you. PLEASE email me anytime!!!! I wish we lived down the street from each other so we could go out and have some wine! Sending love!
Are you trying to tell me that there are people out there who stay up past 9 p.m. ....No Way:)
It gets easier I promise, but I totally get where you are coming from even though my boys are teenagers and we have this little one in the house. My boys were only 2 years apart and I remember the days of thinking I would never survive. I blinked and they are just about grown....:(
Don't be too hard on yourself. I agree that you should try to find someone who can watch the kiddos so that you and T can run out for a quick coffee or dinner. I realize that is hard to do and I am lucky that my mother is local. Of course we still never get to have dates because life just gets in the way.
As a mom you do the best you can do with what you have. There are no perfect situations or families. You are doing all you can do right now.
Let's face it, the zombie look is so in! We all have it at some point. I just spend way to much money on concealer to help with my zombie look!
If I lived closer I would totally watch your kids...you need a night out!
I love your honesty, I have many of the same problems and I only have ONE child!
NONE OF US HAVE IT TOGETHER.
We are all a mess. Every one of us. I am convinced of this, now that I am a mom myself. All of our houses are a mess and we all struggle to not neglect our marriages. You're doing great. We're all doing great. Because this is what people do. We swim like crazy to keep our heads above the water. You are not alone - despite feeling alone - I understand. No family here and only new friends in this new city. It's hard. But we are all doing it, and our kids are doing great, and we are good mamas!
Hey Leah,
Reading your post just made me tired. I can only imagine how hard it is right now. I am babysitting my grand daughter who is 14 months and it is so much work. She is still doing two naps a day so it's hard for us to venture out too far too. We did get some lunch at my husband job and then went to the park. She isn't eating baby food or drinking from a bottle anymore so it has gotten easier in the past month than it was when we first started to watch her. You gave me some insight on how my step daughter feels about being a working Mom. She wants to stay home too and they say it's too close on the line to do that right now. She wants to experience the firsts with her daughter and I can't blame her. However, with summer coming I want to go places and I hope that doesn't make Mom too jealous.
Hope things improve for you in the department of spending time with your husband.
I can't tell you how much your post mirrors my life! I don't have any friends either (not ones I can actually hang out with -- mostly ones from high school/college that post comments on FB once in awhile). It's difficult, frustrating, but oh so worth it. It does get better, I promise, and eventually you and T will be able to spend a little time together to nurture your relationship. Hang in there! Maybe we can hang out a bit when we come to MN this summer!
Oh, and I completely understand how your posts are viewed when you give a glimpse of your reality. Anytime I tell it like it is, I always get comments from people telling me to stop complaining. So things are often sugar-coated just to avoid the critics. My life isn't all peaches and cream, but you would sure think so from my updates! I get tired of dealing with nasty-grams on our blog.
Remember, one day (a long time from now), you will be able to look back at this time of utter exhaustion and laugh with T about it. You will!
Honey, it will get better. I promise. :)
Ah yes, that's pretty much how it goes here also. We continue to have so much in common.
It's "controlled" chaos though, right?
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. :)
It's 8PM. I think I'm up past my bedtime.
Oh, sweetie. I wish I could help you in some way. I appreciate your honesty sooooo much. Thinking of you ((HUGS))
Can you get the parents to come watch the kids on a Sat night after they go to bed so you can get some "date" time?
I feel zombyish sometimes too.
I appreciate your honesty. I would MUCH rather read REAL blogs like yours rather than those that portray baby-land to be all sunshine and roses.
My only "advice" for you is to get yourself plugged in somewhere so that you can get a support system. I don't know if you are religious, but churches are great about reaching out to young families. We've been going to our church for 3 years and hardly knew a soul- but we made a tiny little effort to reach out and now we are blessed beyond measure with people willing to help.
I am sorry you are struggling being a working mom- you definitely have the HARDEST job and I so admire you. Don't be so hard on yourself- your children are obviously loved to pieces and will grow healthy and happy.
I hope this comment hasn't sounded too lame- I wish I knew the right words to say!
Oh my goodness I read your post and had to read it again out loud to my husband, I kept saying "is that me or what?". Thank you for sharing your chaos it mirrors my chaos and makes me feel a little less crazy.
Consider looking for a MOPS group:
MOPS: http://www1.mops.org/web/web_group_search.php?srctype=menu&PHPSESSID=c23382637d165e3afcd81aa6bdca9701&PHPSESSID=c23382637d165e3afcd81aa6bdca9701
or a local story time at Barnes and Nobles or your local library (or even Pottery Barn!). Something you can attend fairly regularly to meet other Moms.
Do take time with T. Have a "date night" once a week where you order food (and make yourself stay up - so maybe a weekend would be better - or even order in lunch and sit and talk together during naptime) and snuggle and talk together.
Just make this time for the two of you where you can connect and look forward to it all week.
Sending up a prayer for you. I'm sure it's EXHAUSTING having two that age. I love being with my kids but I look forward to bedtime too. It's normal. Hugs!
Leah, there are many days when I don't even get my teeth brushed let alone a shower! And I only have one "high maintenance" baby! You need to get your dad to organize a family kick ball game, complete with his whistle :-)
Whew...I'm exhausted just reading this. Your juggling a lot. Thanks for the update :)
Thanks for the honesty. I, for one, am looking for the truth when reading blogs! It sounds like you are facing what most parents of young children are facing, and there's no getting around the fact that it is pretty darn tough. I have no experience, of course, but I want to let you know that it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job, even if it doesn't seem like it at times! Hang in there.
I love your honesty - motherhood isn't easy!
I love your honesty - motherhood isn't easy!
Oh Leah, I think you have just described so many of our lives! I feel like such a horrible mother most days because I do the exact same thing you do: I wait all day long to get home to my baby only to be too tired to do much with her. I long to have the energy to chase her around the house for hours on end like she wants me to, or run around the back yard with her. But most nights, all I can do is watch TV with her, which makes me feel even worse.
There are nights where I really want to go to bed shortly after BB does, but I make sure that I spend some good, quality time with Hubs not matter how tired I am. A lot of that has to do with the fact that we've been TTC, so he needs some time with me where I'm not a crazy hormonal hag, otherwise he'll quit loving me. lol Sometimes it is all about making time. I know it's hard, believe me.
I wish so much that I could come babysit for you to let you and T get out. Why don't you move down here by me? Everyone here is super nice, and you'd make good friends in no time. The house at the end of my street is for sale. ;)
Thank you for being so honest!! I totally hear you. My baby is the exact same age as S (born the same day), and I feel busy and rushed ALL the time. Rush home from work to play with him. It is a relief when he goes to bed, but then there is just more work to do. It really is so much easier just to stay at home on the weekends, isn't it? I also feel guilty that I don't call or see my friends, but there just isn't time, and I'm just too tired. You are not alone! Anyway, thank you so much for your post. Heather
Thank you for being so honest, I can absolutely relate. I thought I was tired in the past when I had been out late partying a few nights in a row (many, many years ago now) or when I have done some very physical challenges (100km walk in 48 hours with no sleep) but nothing compares to how tired I am now - I feel like if I slept for 3 weeks, I still wouldn't be well rested plus my house is like a bomb has hit it and the mother is law is coming to baby sit this week - aaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhh!!!
It is hard. It is so, so hard and you've got it at least twice as hard as most of us did when we had our first child.
I'm sorry Leah. I'm sorry it's so overwhelming. I wish I was closer so that I could help you!
It will get better, i promise. They grow soooo fast- you will get a minute to yourself again soon. It seems like you will be in this stage forever- but when it is gone you want it back. Hope in Christ. Take time for you marriage and do something out of the usual- even if it is at home when the kids go to bed- it will be worth it. Your husband will appreciate it so much.
I have two children close in age and I so get it! hang in there!!!
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