Adoption.
The Orphan.
I've touched on this all before. We all adopt for different reasons. For me, adoption was a way to become a mom. At the time, I thought it was the only way to for me to become a mom.
I've always been interested in worldy affairs. I've always followed current events of poverty throughout the world, and I've always had a sense that I wanted to do something with my life to help the less fortunate. I just don't feel like adopting was what I had in mind to help the less fortunate.
Adoption was a path to motherhood.
Traveling to Ethiopia, I was curious to find out what emotions would be stirred up within me. Would I become an adoption advocate like so many other adoptive parents have become? Would I come home and realize that I wanted to adopt again? Would I spread the word to family and friends about adoption in hopes that adoption would be placed on other people's hearts?
No.
No.
and
No.
I was surprised by this. I thought for sure after seeing Ethiopia, I'd find some life passion in helping and advocating for adoption. I went into Ethiopia with an open mind. Any time the mind is open, you may be greatly surprised with the conclusions you come to.
Being in Ethiopia, instead of wanting to advocate for the orphan, my heart felt completely tugged at advocating for the birth parents. While in Ethiopia, I saw extreme poverty. I saw young mothers with no choice whatsoever except to choose adoption for their child. I should restate this. . . these women had a choice, but their choice for their children many times meant life or death for the child, and these brave women chose life. The sadness of adoption and loss was never more apparent than when I looked at myself and my other traveling companions, all holding our beautiful Ethiopian babies, while looking out into the streets and seeing complete despair and helplessness. It's hard to explain, but I just felt wrong. I felt like me taking Khalil to the U.S. to be my son was hurting Ethiopia more than it was helping. They were losing something precious. They lose precious citizens every single day through adoption. I felt like an entitled white person, coming to this poor land, and taking their most precious resource.
I couldn't help feeling like perhaps adoption isn't the answer for these children.
In a perfect world, adoption would not exist. Birthparents would never have to choose adoption, and couples would never have to experience infertility. I'm not blind and naive; I know we aren't living in a perfect world. I also don't fault those that go to Ethiopia and are so compelled to help the orphan that they adopt again, and again, and again. Or tell their friends about adoption. Or help fundraise so another couple can adopt. I also don't want these precious children sitting in orphanages either. I want these children to have families. I just want the first choice for these children to be to stay with their birthparents in Ethiopia. Truly, that is what I feel is best for these children.
I just can't help the feeling that resources need to be going elsewhere. I don't know what I can do (if anything) to help the situation in Ethiopia, but I want to somehow put money into the infrastructure. I want to educate people about the child wife issue. (Women as young as 7 at times get married in Ethiopia, and when they become pregant, often die during childbirth because of their immature bodies) I want to someway help the country so Ethiopians can parent their children.
Sure, I could adopt again, and then perhaps again. I can spread the word about adoption, which I think I do plenty of anyway, but it won't solve the issues occuring there. The issues run so much deeper. . . something that was so apparent to me while there. I couldn't help the feeling while in Ethiopia that adopting Khalil just wasn't enough. I wasn't helping solve the problem. I was becoming a mom, and hopefully Khalil being my son will also give him happiness and opportunities, but it simply never felt like enough. Not while I was in Ethiopia, and not now.
Yes, I am surprised.
These weren't the emotions I was expecting to leave Ethiopia with. But like I said, I went in with an open mind, and I left completely changed. And I still feel compelled to help. Ethiopia was an amazing country with some of the most wonderful people I've ever met. I just don't know if how I'm going to help is going to look a little different now. I have a few ideas running through my head about things I can do. And I know I'm just one person and the impact may not be huge, but I just feel so strongly about finding a way for these children to stay in Ethiopia.
And yes.
This adoptive mama to my Ethiopia prince is very surprised that these are the emotions I left Ethiopia with.
15 comments:
Leah, thank you so much for posting this. You know I have been wondering very much about these kinds of topics, and I appreciate seeing you wrestle through it too....especially as somebody who has adopted.
Wow, so honest. Great post :)
this is part of why we sponsor a child through the program that we do... his mother is still living and by sponsoring him, we're helping them to stay together as a family. it's so so sad that for us to become mothers, other mothers had to lose their children. i know our birth mother had no other options and was "at peace" with her decision, but it's still horrible :(
I appreciate your honesty Leah! I don't think any of us can imagine how we would react or feel in such a situation!
I love hearing your thoughts and getting a different perspective on feelings that can come from leaving your adoptive child's country! I'm praying for your plans! ;)
I loved your confession. Thanks for sharing your deep thoughts and feelings about how adoption isn't the best choice for the children.
Thanks for this, Leah. I have heard this from a few other adoptive moms and I already feel much of this myself. We were not "called" to adopt and we not adopting to "save" a child - we are adopting because it's the way we can build a family. I imagine the juxtaposition of the joy you felt in having your son in your arms and the sadness you felt in taking him from his home country, and in seeing so many others in need, was tremendous.
Great post, Leah. I relate to a lot of what you feel. Damon and I are currently looking into programs where we can sponsor a child. Hopefully that would help preserve a family. I recently read about a family that thought they wanted to adopt internationally so they saved $30,000. Then they had a realization that that amount of money would make such a difference in Africa so instead of adopting they put that money towards a nonprofit. I really respected that decision. Makes you think. $30,000 is a lot of money and could probably build several wells or help build a health clinic. But then I do think there are cases when adoption is the only way a child can have the love of a family. I wrestle with this too Leah and the best way to move forward.
I am sure that admitting your thoughts and feelings "out loud" on this subject were difficult. And they are appreciated on this end.
In the end, Khalil really did "luck out"(although, maybe it was more fate, no?) in getting you as his mom. Your honesty and desire to help is a beautiful thing.
I, too, have found myself totally changed post-adoption. Appreciated this post, giving words to a lot of what I've been thinking.
Leah, I'm so glad you posted this. My brother and SIL adopted 2 from Ethiopia and I've often felt the same, that it is so sad that they can't stay there. Thanks for sharing.
i find your reflections on international adoption very thought-provoking and interesting!! you have a great way with putting them into words that is very moving.
Real life perspective is always so different to that of imagined perspective. It is also different when it is first hand, rather than watching someone else go through it. That is one lesson I have learned in this life.
Have you ever heard the story of the star fish? If not, email me and I'll find it for you. But if you have, you will know what I mean when I say, "it made a difference to that one." While we can't change the whole world and make everything better for everyone, we can certainly make a difference in one person's life, or in multiple people's lives. While your contributions may be small, they will still benefit people, and to them, it will mean the world.
I can't say I've heard many adoptive parents share these feelings openly. It's refreshing to hear adoptive parents want to help so children do not have to be placed for adoption.
A beautiful post. Wishing you the best of luck as you try to put together your ideas to help. It only takes one to change the world for a child.
I began to feel the same way upon my research of Ethiopia. Thanks for sharing, this is the first time I've seen someone post such bravery and honesty.
We now sponsor children of Ethiopia and India. I know adoption will always exists due to extreme property, I know this is something I can do to help those who are still struggling to keep their family intact.
It has to be the most heartbreaking decision a parent can make.
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