You can read Part 1 here
And Part 2 here
So, after my failed IVF in July, I spent a few days crying and mourning. If you have never been personally touched by infertility, you may not realize how big of a loss it is. But it's a huge loss. Loss of a dream of a biological child, loss of a dream of having a child that is biologically half of your husband, and half of you. Anyone who has ever experienced it will tell you that it is a profound experience to go through, and that it forever changes your life.
I felt profound loss when I decided in July of 2009 to stop treatments all together. I even sought help from a counselor who specializes in infertility. I only attended a couple sessions with her, but they were very helpful, and it helped me to think through my loss.
Once treatments were stopped, I slowly started returning to myself. When going through treatments, there is no normal. Life revolves around the treatments, and the medications. It felt good to be done with it. I started reaching out to people more, I started opening up about the past year of my life. I started meditating, and searching for the deeper meaning in everything I had experienced.
The biggest turning point for me was I lost the shame I felt in my situation. I realized that my inability to get pregnant was not my fault. I realized I had no control over the situation, at all. I realized that maybe my greater purpose in life was to create a family through adoption. To be an advocate for all the children in the world who desperately need families. I started to come to peace with the fact that biological children were not in my cards. . . but that didn't mean I couldn't live a full life. It also didn't mean that I wouldn't continue to mourn the loss I was feeling.
The other biggest turning point for me, was when I was reading a blog from a couple experiencing a similar situation. All of their treatments failed, and they had some serious reproductive issues. After many many failed attempts at IVF, the Doctors finally told them it was hopeless. They then started the adoption process. The last entry ever written on this blog said, "To all the people still experiencing infertility, I want to say this. If adoption is the worst possible outcome in all of this, than I consider ourselves pretty lucky." How true that statement was, and it hit home completely.
Through this all, I really realized there is something out there much bigger than myself. And that there was a plan for my life. And the best thing I could do to heal was to move on. I couldn't be one of those women who saught treatment for years. I couldn't. The treatment ate away at me. To me, moving on, and moving forward was the best thing I could do.
I also learned patience. Things in life won't always happen on my clock. I can't focus on those things that I have absolutely no control over. Instead, all of my energy needs to be focused on things I can control. That was a huge epiphany for me. I had no control over getting pregnant. I simply couldn't be sad about it anymore.
Taher and I traveled to Ireland in October 2009, and I felt alive again. I was the old Leah, instead of the sad and angry Leah that I had been the previous year. Taher and I walked around the beautiful cities in Ireland, and dreamed of our baby boy. We were happy. Pregnancy was the furthest thing from my mind. In fact, I had already accepted that I would never be pregnant. And it was okay. But apparently, there were other plans for my life. And apparently, the Luck of the Irish really exists. ;-) We aren't positive, but we're pretty sure we conceived on that trip.
Many people look at my story and think my happy ending was getting pregnant after 18 months of struggling. But I believe my happy ending started before the pregnancy. I believe my happy ending was my decision to move on and move forward with my life.
And although Taher and I always wanted to adopt, I'm not sure if we ever would have "gotten around to it." It's expensive, it's tedious, it's difficult. . . If we hadn't struggled to get pregnant, I highly doubt we would be on the waitlist right now. Because of that, I am even more confident that this was the plan all along. That this is HOW it was all supposed to play out.
I wanted to share this story so openly because I'm not ashamed. I also wanted to share it because I want you to know you're not alone. Many couples experience this. It isn't anyone's fault. We all have our own stories. . . and this is mine. Infertility shouldn't be taboo. It's a huge problem and people shouldn't be scared to discuss it. I know for me, talking about it helped me to heal.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Part of My Story. . . Part 2
This is continued from Part 1 of this story.
It was late November of 2008 by the time T and I had completed all the tests. The tests that said there was nothing wrong with either of us. As I mentioned in the previous post, we decided to go ahead with treatment. In hindsight, I wish I would have had patience. But, this whole process was a huge learning experience.
T and I then tried a couple of procedures. We started small. A couple IUI's. The same results. Negative. I couldn't figure it out. If there was nothing medically wrong with us, than why wasn't it happening? Why were we doing fertility treatments? Why? Why? Why?
It was about this time, I set up an anonymous blog to talk about infertility treatments and how it was affecting my life. I was for some reason ashamed of my inability to get pregnant. Because of that, I didn't use my name, or Taher's name.
Months passed, and still, nothing worked. We then upped the stakes and attempted IVF. IVF was emotionally taxing to say the least. It brought me to a dark, sad place. And not only was it emotionally difficult, it was financially difficult. It drained us financially. And it felt like such a big gamble. It could go either way.
During all of this, we had already begun the adoption process. T and I ALWAYS wanted to adopt, and regardless of the outcome of IVF, we were going to adopt.
To truly relive what I was going through, I thought I would share a couple posts from my last and final IVF treatment. The treatment that ended all treatments.
Retrieval Day
Posted by Author on July 11, 2009
I will attempt to write this post through the tears. I’ve spent the last hour sobbing. I guess you could say today wasn’t a good day.
T and I showed up at the clinic promplty at 7am. The Dr. came in shortly after and raved about how much better I stimulated this cycle. He said we should have a minimum of 12 eggs. Oh, how that sounded good.
I woke up from the procedure and T looked a little teary-eyed. In my drug-induced state I managed to ask how many eggs were retrieved. I thought I heard 6. Okay, definitely less than I was hoping for, but better than nothing. Then Dr. N walked in and said of those 6, maybe only 1 (maybe) was actually mature. I started crying instantly. I asked how that could be. Afterall, I stimulated so well. He said that he thinks the lower dose of HCG didn’t mature the eggs enough. (I was moved to a 5,000 units instead of 10,000 because of my high estrogen levels) Then Dr. N left the room.
I sat there in complete disbelief. I started trying to rip the IV out of my arm, and undue the blood pressure cuff. I blame it on the meds and the bad news, but I was definitely not a good patient. T had to slap my hand at one point so I would quit trying to rip the IV out of my hand.
The embryologist then came in to tell me about the eggs. She said 1 was definitely mature, but the other 5 were borderline, and before doing anything with them, she would wait and watch them to see what happens. Through all of these conversations, I’m sitting in the bed crying.
The nurse then came in and through the tears, I asked her what happened. I told her my estrogen levels were so high, I had about 15 good looking follicles. . . What went wrong? She told me that Dr. N thought that the HCG meds weren’t sufficient and because of that, many of the eggs were still attached to the follicles and therefore Dr. N couldn’t retrieve them.
Sometimes I cannot believe this is my life. Everything was in our favor this cycle. Everything. T walked me out of the clinic, and I was sobbing. The nurses just looked at me with pity in their eyes, and the poor women waiting for their appointments must have been hoping that their appointments go much better than mine.
The embryologist said she would call me tomorrow morning. Keep in mind, there is only 1 egg that is mature. And although I know hope is a good thing, I think the odds are definitely not in our favor for having a transfer. I think it’s really safe to say there will be no transfer.
I’m so unbelievably sad and angry right now. I feel like I’m owed something by the clinic. I feel like what happened today was not my fault. My body worked. It responded perfectly. A part of me thinks the clinic owes me a free cycle. I really do. I hate to feel entitled, but the nurse and Dr. both admitted today that what happened was most likely because of the dose of HCG I was given on Thursday evening.
So, I’m really really sad, and I hope I can manage to shut my eyes for a bit and block the world out. I just cannot believe this happened. All the weeks of shots, the days of pain and discomfort. . . all for nothing.
Smile, when your heart is aching
Posted by Author on July 13, 2009
So, onto my weekend. Let’s just say it started bad from the very start. Instead of having a relaxing Friday night, some drama happened with family members. It was all because of some insensitive comments made about adoption.
Then of course, there was Saturday, which was awful. I wish I could better articulate how exactly I feel about it. I feel like I was robbed. I feel like my last real chance of getting pregnant was taken away from me. Anyone who has been following my story, knows that everything was going well this cycle. The stim drugs I was given were working perfectly, and my ovaries were producing a lot of follicles. I was the textbook case of how IVF is supposed to go. Through all of this though, I didn’t have false hopes. I knew that everything could go along smoothly and I could still end up not pregnant. And that was fine. I just wanted one more chance. T and I are completely out of money for IVF, so I knew that this would be the last real chance we had.
My expectations were realistic. I simply wanted an embryo. . . or maybe even two, to put back in me on Tuesday, which would be my 3 day transfer. I knew that having two good embryos also didn’t guarantee I would get pregnant, but I just wanted to get to transfer day, because IVF #1 I didn’t.
Everything was looking good. The Dr. on Saturday estimated that they would retrieve 12 to 15 eggs. Perfect! I was thinking out of those eggs, at least half would fertilize, especially with ICSI, so I was thinking we may actually have 6 embryos. I even let myself think that we may be able to have a couple frozen embies. Gosh, was I getting greedy.
I feel so robbed by all of this. The Dr’s at my clinic are good people. I KNOW in my heart that they want all of their patients to succeed. But I can’t help feeling bitter right now. Bitterness is such an ugly way to feel. My cycle was going on brilliantly, and because of my high estrogen levels (4,000) the decision was made last minute to lower my HCG trigger dose from 10,000 to 5,000. These are professionals. I trust their judgment. If they tell me to lower the HCG trigger shot to 5,000, then I do it. . . No questions asked.
But this decision that they made has broken my heart. Because of that decision, I went into retrieval, where I should have had at least a dozen mature eggs to retrieve, and I had 1 mature egg. It’s unbelievable to me. I know IVF isn’t an exact science. I know it’s still relatively new in the medical world, and I know that sometimes it takes a lot of tweaking before a Dr. gets a protocol down. I accept that. But this is MY money we are dealing with here. I can’t afford for the Dr. to make a wrong decision like what happened in this situation.
I hate the blame game, and I hate feeling like I’m owed something. To me, it’s so much easier to be sad than to be angry. Right now, I’m both. I am so angry that my Dr. decided to tweak my protocol at the last minute, even though everything was working great. I’m angry that I’m just another patient to them. They took my LAST chance. They took that from me.
I’m angry at the scene I most likely made when I woke up from anesthesia. I wasn’t myself. I was doped up, and then to hear the bad news, it was awful. Heartbreaking. Heartwrenching.
As I was sobbing on my way home from the clinic, I called my Mom and she cried with me. Her heart breaks for me too. Then she informed me that my aunt has a brain tumor and had to have immediate surgery. My parents drove the 1.5 hours to my house to be with me that day, and then we spent the rest of the day at the hospital waiting with family as my aunt was having the tumor removed. My body physically ached, and I knew I should be in bed taking it easy, but I needed a distraction. Throughout the day, I would start crying again, and I’m sure my extended family thought my tears were for my aunt. And they were for my aunt. But they were also for me.
I feel so damn robbed.
Saturday night was a restless night. I knew the embryologist would be calling first thing in the morning, and I laid in bed most of the night crying, thinking of the letter I want to write to my RE, thinking about adoption, thinking about what all this means.
At 6:59am, my phone rings. UNKNOWN. Obviously is was the embryologist. I picked up, and he gave me the details.
6 eggs were retrieved. Of those 6, 1 egg was mature. ICSI was done on that 1 mature egg, and 1 mature egg fertilized. Of the 5 immature eggs, sperm was put in the glass with all of the immature eggs. One of the immature eggs also fertilized. Therefore, I have two embryos. (Correct me if I’m wrong, but I didn’t think immature eggs COULD fertilize?) The embryologist asked me if I had any questions for him. I told him that last time we had an embryo, I showed up for my transfer, looped up on valium, only to get there to find out I had a super-duper crappy embryo. I said I would appreciate finding out before I show up at the clinic if my 2 embryos suck big time. He said he would talk to the Dr. and I would be getting a call today.
I know I should be happy about my 2 embryos. But I’m so unbelievably angry, that I can’t be happy. Considering what we were dealing with, we had a great fertilization report. I just can’t help thinking how wonderful the fertilization report would have been had we actually had a dozen mature eggs. I am also realistic on the chance of these two embryos growing into nice 6-10 celled embryos. The whole point of IVF is to get a bunch of eggs, so there are options. We don’t have options. So, all the stars would need to align for us to actually have something to transfer tomorrow. This post is so long already, and I don’t even know if it makes much sense. I’m trying to convey how jipped I feel. Maybe it’s the wrong emotion. Maybe I shouldn’t feel robbed. But I feel like the decision the Dr. made ruined this for me. And I want something from him. I want something badly.
The conclusion to my story to be continued. . .
It was late November of 2008 by the time T and I had completed all the tests. The tests that said there was nothing wrong with either of us. As I mentioned in the previous post, we decided to go ahead with treatment. In hindsight, I wish I would have had patience. But, this whole process was a huge learning experience.
T and I then tried a couple of procedures. We started small. A couple IUI's. The same results. Negative. I couldn't figure it out. If there was nothing medically wrong with us, than why wasn't it happening? Why were we doing fertility treatments? Why? Why? Why?
It was about this time, I set up an anonymous blog to talk about infertility treatments and how it was affecting my life. I was for some reason ashamed of my inability to get pregnant. Because of that, I didn't use my name, or Taher's name.
Months passed, and still, nothing worked. We then upped the stakes and attempted IVF. IVF was emotionally taxing to say the least. It brought me to a dark, sad place. And not only was it emotionally difficult, it was financially difficult. It drained us financially. And it felt like such a big gamble. It could go either way.
During all of this, we had already begun the adoption process. T and I ALWAYS wanted to adopt, and regardless of the outcome of IVF, we were going to adopt.
To truly relive what I was going through, I thought I would share a couple posts from my last and final IVF treatment. The treatment that ended all treatments.
Retrieval Day
Posted by Author on July 11, 2009
I will attempt to write this post through the tears. I’ve spent the last hour sobbing. I guess you could say today wasn’t a good day.
T and I showed up at the clinic promplty at 7am. The Dr. came in shortly after and raved about how much better I stimulated this cycle. He said we should have a minimum of 12 eggs. Oh, how that sounded good.
I woke up from the procedure and T looked a little teary-eyed. In my drug-induced state I managed to ask how many eggs were retrieved. I thought I heard 6. Okay, definitely less than I was hoping for, but better than nothing. Then Dr. N walked in and said of those 6, maybe only 1 (maybe) was actually mature. I started crying instantly. I asked how that could be. Afterall, I stimulated so well. He said that he thinks the lower dose of HCG didn’t mature the eggs enough. (I was moved to a 5,000 units instead of 10,000 because of my high estrogen levels) Then Dr. N left the room.
I sat there in complete disbelief. I started trying to rip the IV out of my arm, and undue the blood pressure cuff. I blame it on the meds and the bad news, but I was definitely not a good patient. T had to slap my hand at one point so I would quit trying to rip the IV out of my hand.
The embryologist then came in to tell me about the eggs. She said 1 was definitely mature, but the other 5 were borderline, and before doing anything with them, she would wait and watch them to see what happens. Through all of these conversations, I’m sitting in the bed crying.
The nurse then came in and through the tears, I asked her what happened. I told her my estrogen levels were so high, I had about 15 good looking follicles. . . What went wrong? She told me that Dr. N thought that the HCG meds weren’t sufficient and because of that, many of the eggs were still attached to the follicles and therefore Dr. N couldn’t retrieve them.
Sometimes I cannot believe this is my life. Everything was in our favor this cycle. Everything. T walked me out of the clinic, and I was sobbing. The nurses just looked at me with pity in their eyes, and the poor women waiting for their appointments must have been hoping that their appointments go much better than mine.
The embryologist said she would call me tomorrow morning. Keep in mind, there is only 1 egg that is mature. And although I know hope is a good thing, I think the odds are definitely not in our favor for having a transfer. I think it’s really safe to say there will be no transfer.
I’m so unbelievably sad and angry right now. I feel like I’m owed something by the clinic. I feel like what happened today was not my fault. My body worked. It responded perfectly. A part of me thinks the clinic owes me a free cycle. I really do. I hate to feel entitled, but the nurse and Dr. both admitted today that what happened was most likely because of the dose of HCG I was given on Thursday evening.
So, I’m really really sad, and I hope I can manage to shut my eyes for a bit and block the world out. I just cannot believe this happened. All the weeks of shots, the days of pain and discomfort. . . all for nothing.
Smile, when your heart is aching
Posted by Author on July 13, 2009
So, onto my weekend. Let’s just say it started bad from the very start. Instead of having a relaxing Friday night, some drama happened with family members. It was all because of some insensitive comments made about adoption.
Then of course, there was Saturday, which was awful. I wish I could better articulate how exactly I feel about it. I feel like I was robbed. I feel like my last real chance of getting pregnant was taken away from me. Anyone who has been following my story, knows that everything was going well this cycle. The stim drugs I was given were working perfectly, and my ovaries were producing a lot of follicles. I was the textbook case of how IVF is supposed to go. Through all of this though, I didn’t have false hopes. I knew that everything could go along smoothly and I could still end up not pregnant. And that was fine. I just wanted one more chance. T and I are completely out of money for IVF, so I knew that this would be the last real chance we had.
My expectations were realistic. I simply wanted an embryo. . . or maybe even two, to put back in me on Tuesday, which would be my 3 day transfer. I knew that having two good embryos also didn’t guarantee I would get pregnant, but I just wanted to get to transfer day, because IVF #1 I didn’t.
Everything was looking good. The Dr. on Saturday estimated that they would retrieve 12 to 15 eggs. Perfect! I was thinking out of those eggs, at least half would fertilize, especially with ICSI, so I was thinking we may actually have 6 embryos. I even let myself think that we may be able to have a couple frozen embies. Gosh, was I getting greedy.
I feel so robbed by all of this. The Dr’s at my clinic are good people. I KNOW in my heart that they want all of their patients to succeed. But I can’t help feeling bitter right now. Bitterness is such an ugly way to feel. My cycle was going on brilliantly, and because of my high estrogen levels (4,000) the decision was made last minute to lower my HCG trigger dose from 10,000 to 5,000. These are professionals. I trust their judgment. If they tell me to lower the HCG trigger shot to 5,000, then I do it. . . No questions asked.
But this decision that they made has broken my heart. Because of that decision, I went into retrieval, where I should have had at least a dozen mature eggs to retrieve, and I had 1 mature egg. It’s unbelievable to me. I know IVF isn’t an exact science. I know it’s still relatively new in the medical world, and I know that sometimes it takes a lot of tweaking before a Dr. gets a protocol down. I accept that. But this is MY money we are dealing with here. I can’t afford for the Dr. to make a wrong decision like what happened in this situation.
I hate the blame game, and I hate feeling like I’m owed something. To me, it’s so much easier to be sad than to be angry. Right now, I’m both. I am so angry that my Dr. decided to tweak my protocol at the last minute, even though everything was working great. I’m angry that I’m just another patient to them. They took my LAST chance. They took that from me.
I’m angry at the scene I most likely made when I woke up from anesthesia. I wasn’t myself. I was doped up, and then to hear the bad news, it was awful. Heartbreaking. Heartwrenching.
As I was sobbing on my way home from the clinic, I called my Mom and she cried with me. Her heart breaks for me too. Then she informed me that my aunt has a brain tumor and had to have immediate surgery. My parents drove the 1.5 hours to my house to be with me that day, and then we spent the rest of the day at the hospital waiting with family as my aunt was having the tumor removed. My body physically ached, and I knew I should be in bed taking it easy, but I needed a distraction. Throughout the day, I would start crying again, and I’m sure my extended family thought my tears were for my aunt. And they were for my aunt. But they were also for me.
I feel so damn robbed.
Saturday night was a restless night. I knew the embryologist would be calling first thing in the morning, and I laid in bed most of the night crying, thinking of the letter I want to write to my RE, thinking about adoption, thinking about what all this means.
At 6:59am, my phone rings. UNKNOWN. Obviously is was the embryologist. I picked up, and he gave me the details.
6 eggs were retrieved. Of those 6, 1 egg was mature. ICSI was done on that 1 mature egg, and 1 mature egg fertilized. Of the 5 immature eggs, sperm was put in the glass with all of the immature eggs. One of the immature eggs also fertilized. Therefore, I have two embryos. (Correct me if I’m wrong, but I didn’t think immature eggs COULD fertilize?) The embryologist asked me if I had any questions for him. I told him that last time we had an embryo, I showed up for my transfer, looped up on valium, only to get there to find out I had a super-duper crappy embryo. I said I would appreciate finding out before I show up at the clinic if my 2 embryos suck big time. He said he would talk to the Dr. and I would be getting a call today.
I know I should be happy about my 2 embryos. But I’m so unbelievably angry, that I can’t be happy. Considering what we were dealing with, we had a great fertilization report. I just can’t help thinking how wonderful the fertilization report would have been had we actually had a dozen mature eggs. I am also realistic on the chance of these two embryos growing into nice 6-10 celled embryos. The whole point of IVF is to get a bunch of eggs, so there are options. We don’t have options. So, all the stars would need to align for us to actually have something to transfer tomorrow. This post is so long already, and I don’t even know if it makes much sense. I’m trying to convey how jipped I feel. Maybe it’s the wrong emotion. Maybe I shouldn’t feel robbed. But I feel like the decision the Dr. made ruined this for me. And I want something from him. I want something badly.
The conclusion to my story to be continued. . .
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Happy Birthday Taher!
Happy Birthday to my wonderful husband!
I love T's birthday, because without his birth, I don't know where I would be at. I'm so lucky to have him as my husband. He is a wonderful, kind man.
I know this year is going to be big for him in many ways, as he adds a new role to his life. I can't wait to see him as a father. I know he'll be great at it!
Some blasts from the pasts of Taher. :-)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Part of My Story. . . Part 1
It was January 2008, and T and I had just gotten back from a wonderful 3-week trip to Egypt. T and I have what you would call a bucket list, and traveling to Egypt was always high on our priorities of things to do.
In January of 2008, we had been married 3 1/2 years. T and I were pretty firm on the idea that we wanted to be married 5 years before we discussed having children. It was really important for us to continue to get to know each other, and to do things that are difficult when children are in the equation.
Yet, that cold winter day in 2008, we decided that we were ready NOW. I still don't know what led us to that decision. Maybe it was the frequent questions by T's relatives in Egypt about when we were going to have children? Maybe it was the fact that we had just had a wonderful vacation, and felt like we had pretty much done all we wanted to do before children? Whatever the reason, we went against our initial plan and decided to try to have a baby.
I'm not going to sugar coat this. . . I became a crazy person. . . IMMEDIATELY. So much for fun, and just going with the flow. My type A, must be successful at everything personality had me obsessing a bit. And when I didn't get pregnant that first month, I joined the blogs, the message boards, goog.ling infertility. Yes folks. . . this was after one month of not being able to get pregnant. One month.
The months started to pass. Pretty soon it was March, and before we knew it, it was summer. The logical part of me knew that it could take up to a year for healthy couples to conceive, but I was freaked out. I had read every horror story the internet had to offer at this point. T as always was the calm and logical one. And I was the emotional and illogical one.
In about October of 2008, still not pregnant, I decided to call a Reproductive Endocrinologist. (RE) Anyone who has been in this world, knows that they won't see you until you've been trying to have a baby for a year. So what did I do? I told a little white lie about how long we'd been trying.
This started off a series of appointments for both T and I. T wasn't nervous. He knew we'd conceive eventually. Me, I wasn't so confident. After many painful and expensive tests, our doctor informed us he couldn't find anything wrong with us. Nothing. He gave us two options . . . Go ahead with treatments, or wait it out longer. Anyone who reads this blog knows how impatient I am, so. . . we (I) decided that we would go ahead with treatments. At this point, I had just turned 29, and I felt like I wasn't getting any younger.
The decision to go ahead with treatments drastically changed the next year in both of our lives. It's actually one of those decisions that I would take back in a heartbeat. But at the same time, I know that decision helped me to grow as a person. That quick decision helped me to really figure out who I am. Things I need to work on, things about myself that I had never realized, and things about myself that I needed to change.
(Part 2 will be coming later this week)
In January of 2008, we had been married 3 1/2 years. T and I were pretty firm on the idea that we wanted to be married 5 years before we discussed having children. It was really important for us to continue to get to know each other, and to do things that are difficult when children are in the equation.
Yet, that cold winter day in 2008, we decided that we were ready NOW. I still don't know what led us to that decision. Maybe it was the frequent questions by T's relatives in Egypt about when we were going to have children? Maybe it was the fact that we had just had a wonderful vacation, and felt like we had pretty much done all we wanted to do before children? Whatever the reason, we went against our initial plan and decided to try to have a baby.
I'm not going to sugar coat this. . . I became a crazy person. . . IMMEDIATELY. So much for fun, and just going with the flow. My type A, must be successful at everything personality had me obsessing a bit. And when I didn't get pregnant that first month, I joined the blogs, the message boards, goog.ling infertility. Yes folks. . . this was after one month of not being able to get pregnant. One month.
The months started to pass. Pretty soon it was March, and before we knew it, it was summer. The logical part of me knew that it could take up to a year for healthy couples to conceive, but I was freaked out. I had read every horror story the internet had to offer at this point. T as always was the calm and logical one. And I was the emotional and illogical one.
In about October of 2008, still not pregnant, I decided to call a Reproductive Endocrinologist. (RE) Anyone who has been in this world, knows that they won't see you until you've been trying to have a baby for a year. So what did I do? I told a little white lie about how long we'd been trying.
This started off a series of appointments for both T and I. T wasn't nervous. He knew we'd conceive eventually. Me, I wasn't so confident. After many painful and expensive tests, our doctor informed us he couldn't find anything wrong with us. Nothing. He gave us two options . . . Go ahead with treatments, or wait it out longer. Anyone who reads this blog knows how impatient I am, so. . . we (I) decided that we would go ahead with treatments. At this point, I had just turned 29, and I felt like I wasn't getting any younger.
The decision to go ahead with treatments drastically changed the next year in both of our lives. It's actually one of those decisions that I would take back in a heartbeat. But at the same time, I know that decision helped me to grow as a person. That quick decision helped me to really figure out who I am. Things I need to work on, things about myself that I had never realized, and things about myself that I needed to change.
(Part 2 will be coming later this week)
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Does Race Matter?
T and I attended an adoption class this weekend at our agency. The content was wonderful. The woman who led the session was adopted as a baby, and now as an adult, she has adopted. Many wonderful topics were discussed, but my favorite was the race discussion.
Back in the day, when someone of a different race was adopted, the adoptive parents often didn't talk about the difference in race. Their rationale for this was that color truly doesn't matter, so why bring it up?
But. . . Does color matter? Should color be talked about? Should our differences be discussed?
During this discussion, we played a little game. All of us were given many beads, all of different colors.
White - Europeans and/or Caucasians
Black - African American or Pan African
Red - Native American
Yellow - Asian
Brown - Multi - Cultural
Then we were asked many questions, and asked to place a bead representing the race on a plate. Here were my answers.
What race are you? White bead
What race is your husband? Black bead
What race is your doctor? White bead
What race is your dentist? White bead
What race are the majority of your friends? White bead
What race is your neighborhood? Black bead
If you worship, what race is the majority of the people you worship with? White bead
What race is the majority of your family? Brown Bead
This game in race was very eye opening. As I looked around the room in this adoption class, I quickly noticed that T and I had the most colorful plate of beads. The majority of the room had a plate full of all white beads. . . and the only non white bead, was of the child they were planning to adopt.
In a perfect world, all races would intermingle. No one would truly even notice race. But, we aren't living in a perfect world. We are living in a world where color DOES matter. It IS noticed. I don't want our son thinking white is superior. I also don't want our son to struggle with never seeing someone who "looks" like him. And although T and I do a good job at living a diverse life, through this game, I realized we have areas we can improve. Perhaps we'll search for an African Pediatrician, or dentist. Perhaps we'll actively search out other families who have adopted from the country we are adopting from. (We are already actively doing this one)
I want my son to know that it's okay that he looks different than us. I want him to know that he's beautiful, as all races are beautiful. I want him to live in a completely multi-cultural world, where no race is completely dominating the space.
I know some people still say we should all be colorblind. But realistically, we aren't. And our son is going to notice that he doesn't look like his parents at a really young age. But I still want him to know that he's beautiful. I want him to know that he can grow up to be anything he wants to be. I want him to grow up and know that he doesn't have to be paler to make it in this world.
It was a great class, and it really got T and I thinking about so many things. It made me realize that although adoption is such a wonderful thing, when one decides to adopt a child of a different race, it is important that you change your life a bit. It is important that your child doesn't stick out in a world that looks so differently than him. Adoption is so much more than the costs, and the love of the child. It is truly about ADOPTING everything about your child, including his race.
And on a side note. . . The MN Vikings really let me down. But, they are always their worst enemy, and I'm not surprised. Actually, I'm grateful that I can be disappointed in a football game. My life is obviously very blessed that I can waste an emotion on a game. But. . . hopefully my heart rate will drop soon so I can get some sleep. :-D
Friday, January 22, 2010
Things Making Me Smile Today
A warm house on a COLD MN Day.
A necklace given to me by my wonderful cousin in Egypt.
Taher getting home from a long work day.
Taher's silly humor. . . putting his galabaya with a stuffed animal. Scared the crap out of me!
Holding my new niece as her pacifier falls out of her mouth, and she falls into a deep slumber.
These are just a few things that I'm smiling about, and grateful for. What's got you smiling today?
My silly cat Sucar who insists on jumping in my laundry basket while I fold laundry.
A necklace given to me by my wonderful cousin in Egypt.
Taher getting home from a long work day.
Taher's silly humor. . . putting his galabaya with a stuffed animal. Scared the crap out of me!
Holding my new niece as her pacifier falls out of her mouth, and she falls into a deep slumber.
These are just a few things that I'm smiling about, and grateful for. What's got you smiling today?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Daycare Woes
I know we have time on our side, and when I find myself stressing about daycare too heavily, I remind myself of how much time we have, but I'm still the type of person that likes things in order and figured out. And our daycare is NOT figured out.
We have a center less than a mile from our house. It would be ideal because it's on my way to work, it looks like a great and safe place for the kids, and did I mention it's less than a mile from our house? I had called this center previously and quickly found out that T and I would not be able to afford full time for two infants. Good to know!
In the meantime, my MIL (T's Mama) said that she just assumed she would take them. Hmm, hadn't considered that. She lives about 10 miles away from us, in the opposite direction of our works, but we'd be saving SO much money, it would be worth it. But then the more T and I thought of that, the more we realized it would be so hard for his parents to take 2 infants all day long. I have bloggy friends who are only 30 years old, and struggle with two babies. How would a woman in her 60's handle it? I just think it would be too much.
So then T and I got to thinking that maybe we could split the week up. The babies could go to MIL's 3 days a week, and then the above mentioned center two days a week. So, I contacted the center yesterday to find out their rates for two days a week. Well, it would be $188.00 per child for 2 days of daycare a week. Multiply that by two babies, and we're looking at $376.00 a week. Multiply that by 4 weeks, and we're looking at approximately $1,500 a month. And did I mention that is for 2 days of daycare???
Obviously, a home daycare would be much more affordable. The issue with home daycares is most make you be full time. Meaning we'd have to bring the babies their 5 days a week. We don't necessarily want that, because we'd like them to have a couple of days with their grandparents every week.
In the last post I did about daycare, some people asked why we didn't go out to the suburbs as daycare is cheaper. It is DEFINITELY cheaper outside of the city, but. . . well. . . It is really important for us that our children are in a diverse daycare. We are a multicultural family, and we want our children to grow up with as much exposure as possible. I hate to make my stereotypes, but suburbs in MN are pretty darn white. And the suburbs we'd have to travel to aren't the suburbs that border the city, they are far out suburbs. So, the cheaper price would definitely need to more than make up for how far out of the way we would have to drive twice a day. And, MN has the second highest daycare rates in the country. . . second to only NY.
We will still look into a nanny, but most nannies require that you pay their vacation time, benefits, and things like that, so in the long run, that can end up costing more as well.
Decisions. . . Decisions.
We have a center less than a mile from our house. It would be ideal because it's on my way to work, it looks like a great and safe place for the kids, and did I mention it's less than a mile from our house? I had called this center previously and quickly found out that T and I would not be able to afford full time for two infants. Good to know!
In the meantime, my MIL (T's Mama) said that she just assumed she would take them. Hmm, hadn't considered that. She lives about 10 miles away from us, in the opposite direction of our works, but we'd be saving SO much money, it would be worth it. But then the more T and I thought of that, the more we realized it would be so hard for his parents to take 2 infants all day long. I have bloggy friends who are only 30 years old, and struggle with two babies. How would a woman in her 60's handle it? I just think it would be too much.
So then T and I got to thinking that maybe we could split the week up. The babies could go to MIL's 3 days a week, and then the above mentioned center two days a week. So, I contacted the center yesterday to find out their rates for two days a week. Well, it would be $188.00 per child for 2 days of daycare a week. Multiply that by two babies, and we're looking at $376.00 a week. Multiply that by 4 weeks, and we're looking at approximately $1,500 a month. And did I mention that is for 2 days of daycare???
Obviously, a home daycare would be much more affordable. The issue with home daycares is most make you be full time. Meaning we'd have to bring the babies their 5 days a week. We don't necessarily want that, because we'd like them to have a couple of days with their grandparents every week.
In the last post I did about daycare, some people asked why we didn't go out to the suburbs as daycare is cheaper. It is DEFINITELY cheaper outside of the city, but. . . well. . . It is really important for us that our children are in a diverse daycare. We are a multicultural family, and we want our children to grow up with as much exposure as possible. I hate to make my stereotypes, but suburbs in MN are pretty darn white. And the suburbs we'd have to travel to aren't the suburbs that border the city, they are far out suburbs. So, the cheaper price would definitely need to more than make up for how far out of the way we would have to drive twice a day. And, MN has the second highest daycare rates in the country. . . second to only NY.
We will still look into a nanny, but most nannies require that you pay their vacation time, benefits, and things like that, so in the long run, that can end up costing more as well.
Decisions. . . Decisions.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Life Is A Changing
So many things going on. I'm very aware of how in a few months, life will be completely different. In my head, I know of all the things there are to do to prepare. Yet, I feel no urgency. Feeling no urgency is not normal for me. Usually I panic and feel the need to get things done immediately. For some reason, it's different this time around.
I feel no urgency to get the nurseries completed, or even started for that matter. In the back of my mind, I know that T and I need to figure out some long term daycare plans, yet we've hardly even had that conversation in weeks. We also know that we need to do more fundraisers as when we get our referral, we'll owe more money. . . money that we don't have sitting around right now.
SO.MUCH.TO.DO.
Yet for the past couple of weeks, I've been lazier than ever. After work, T and I have been eating dinner, and then spending several hours catching up on Lost. (We are only on season 2 right now, and are loving it) We sit on the couch and cuddle. We don't do do housework, or plan for our changing lives. Instead, we are both trying to enjoy the free time that we now have. . . because we are very aware that before we know it, there will be no free time.
I have a sense of calmness that things will get done eventually. Rooms will be painted, cribs will be assembled, office will be reconstructed, closets will be organized. It will all get done. But for now, I'm going to enjoy my time doing absolutely nothing.
I feel no urgency to get the nurseries completed, or even started for that matter. In the back of my mind, I know that T and I need to figure out some long term daycare plans, yet we've hardly even had that conversation in weeks. We also know that we need to do more fundraisers as when we get our referral, we'll owe more money. . . money that we don't have sitting around right now.
SO.MUCH.TO.DO.
Yet for the past couple of weeks, I've been lazier than ever. After work, T and I have been eating dinner, and then spending several hours catching up on Lost. (We are only on season 2 right now, and are loving it) We sit on the couch and cuddle. We don't do do housework, or plan for our changing lives. Instead, we are both trying to enjoy the free time that we now have. . . because we are very aware that before we know it, there will be no free time.
I have a sense of calmness that things will get done eventually. Rooms will be painted, cribs will be assembled, office will be reconstructed, closets will be organized. It will all get done. But for now, I'm going to enjoy my time doing absolutely nothing.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
What Kind of Children I Want to Raise
Waiting for my family to be complete, I have a lot of time to sit and think about what kind of parents I want T and I to be to our children, and what kind of children we hope to raise. I think we all know the answer to that question for ourselves, but then life gets busy, and sometimes we get off track. I know at times we'll get off track, but I hope at the end of the day, we raise our children in an aunthentic way. . . true to what we believe in.
***
Humble children, who take nothing for granted, including the roof over their heads.
Children who have passports from a young age, and who see the world and realize there is so much more out there than the tiny borders in which they live in.
Children who see the devastation in the world, and want to know what they can do to help.
Children who want to read over watching TV. Children who know the value of a good education.
Children who are constantly surrounded by diversity.
Children who do not feel entitled to anything.
Children who know and understand what healthy love is.
Children who aren't afraid to dream big, and to go after those dreams.
Children who speak more than one language, from a very young age.
And the list goes
On,
and On,
and On.
***
We all have such different ways to raise our children, and I'm fortunate that T and I agree on how we want to raise ours. It's fun to think about all these things. It helps me to prepare for when the day comes. And I'll always have this list to refer back to, so when life does get busy (and it WILL get busy) I can always get back on track.
More than anything, I just want our children to be true to who they are. I'm a big believer in nature vs. nurture, and at the end of the day, I just want them to be good people, full of love in their hearts.
***
Humble children, who take nothing for granted, including the roof over their heads.
Children who have passports from a young age, and who see the world and realize there is so much more out there than the tiny borders in which they live in.
Children who see the devastation in the world, and want to know what they can do to help.
Children who want to read over watching TV. Children who know the value of a good education.
Children who are constantly surrounded by diversity.
Children who do not feel entitled to anything.
Children who know and understand what healthy love is.
Children who aren't afraid to dream big, and to go after those dreams.
Children who speak more than one language, from a very young age.
And the list goes
On,
and On,
and On.
***
We all have such different ways to raise our children, and I'm fortunate that T and I agree on how we want to raise ours. It's fun to think about all these things. It helps me to prepare for when the day comes. And I'll always have this list to refer back to, so when life does get busy (and it WILL get busy) I can always get back on track.
More than anything, I just want our children to be true to who they are. I'm a big believer in nature vs. nurture, and at the end of the day, I just want them to be good people, full of love in their hearts.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Referral and Travel
On Tuesday, T and I had a conference call with our adoption agency to discuss the referral and travel process of this adoption. . . when we get to that point.
It was a VERY interesting meeting. The problem with being on the wait list, is there isn't much to do towards the adoption. The necessary paperwork has been filled out and submitted, so really, all there is to do is wait. When I was filling out paperwork, adoption was on my mind 24/7. It felt real. But being on the waitlist has made the reality of it all go away a bit. But Tuesday's meeting brought it all back. This IS real. We will get our baby boy. We don't know when. But it WILL happen.
The agency talked about the referral. She said that when it comes, the agency will call every number they have on file for T and I, until they reach us. And when we are reached, we'll get an email with our baby's picture, medical information, stats on the baby, and things of that nature. I get goosebumps just thinking of it! She said that then T and I will submit some photos to the agency, which will be sent to the orphanage. These pictures will be shown to our baby daily, and his caretaker will talk about T and I. I thought that was wonderful.
And then the travel portion. Our agency has a guesthouse available for people to stay at. It will definitely be the most convenient option, but it definitely wasn't the cheapest. But, there is a driver who will drive us to the orphanage daily, as well as our Visa appointment at the US Embassy, so I think it will be too convenient to pass up.
It was a great call, and it helped me to realize that this will all happen, and I need to be patient in the meantime. T and I have plenty to do to prepare, and that will surely keep us busy. We've been on the wait list over 2 months now, and our agency said the average wait time is still 4-6 months. Everyday, we get a little bit closer.
And because I haven't posted pictures in a bit, I thought I would post pictures of what I'm dreaming about today, and that is warmer days. January in MN is miserable, especially for people like me who despise the snow and cold. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Where I'm at
This is my 100th post! Crazy! It took me about 5 months to get to 100 posts. . . I guess that makes me a pretty reliable blogger.
I remember when I started this blog. I would read other blogs, and would see their 100th post, and it always made me wonder where I would be when I was writing my 100th.
Sometimes when you're in a moment, the future seems SO.FAR.AWAY. When I started my blog in August, I felt a bit anxious. There was still a lot to do with paperwork for the adoption, a lot of things to figure out, and things just felt stressful. At times, I caught myself wishing my life away. I just wanted life to fast forward for a while. Whenever I get in that mind set, I feel guilty. Because there are many people who at the same time, are wishing life would slow down. People who are watching their kids grow up too fast, people who are dealing with a sick loved one, people who are having to say goodbye. So, even though I was ready for the adoption to happen NOW, I had a great epiphany and realized that I needed to enjoy each and every moment. . . for every little moment is truly a gift.
So, here I am. . . 100th post in to this blog. I'm in a place that I would never have guessed I would be in when I started good ole Life According to Leah.
I have been on the adoption waitlist for 2 months
I have received almost 22,000 visitors to this little blog of mine
I've raised about $1,000 towards the adoption
I'm 15 weeks pregnant
My husband has a new job that he likes
I have 88 wonderful followers of this blog, and even more lurkers who I hope will become followers
I've met many new bloggers who I relate to on so many levels.
All of these are things that I couldn't have guessed 100 posts ago. Never.In.A.Million.Years.
I thank those who take time out of their busy days to read my blog, and I thank those who take the time to leave me wonderful and supportive comments. Every time I get a comment, it warms my heart. I look forward to seeing where I'll be when I hit 200 posts, but for now, I'm going to focus on every day that I am given.
I remember when I started this blog. I would read other blogs, and would see their 100th post, and it always made me wonder where I would be when I was writing my 100th.
Sometimes when you're in a moment, the future seems SO.FAR.AWAY. When I started my blog in August, I felt a bit anxious. There was still a lot to do with paperwork for the adoption, a lot of things to figure out, and things just felt stressful. At times, I caught myself wishing my life away. I just wanted life to fast forward for a while. Whenever I get in that mind set, I feel guilty. Because there are many people who at the same time, are wishing life would slow down. People who are watching their kids grow up too fast, people who are dealing with a sick loved one, people who are having to say goodbye. So, even though I was ready for the adoption to happen NOW, I had a great epiphany and realized that I needed to enjoy each and every moment. . . for every little moment is truly a gift.
So, here I am. . . 100th post in to this blog. I'm in a place that I would never have guessed I would be in when I started good ole Life According to Leah.
I have been on the adoption waitlist for 2 months
I have received almost 22,000 visitors to this little blog of mine
I've raised about $1,000 towards the adoption
I'm 15 weeks pregnant
My husband has a new job that he likes
I have 88 wonderful followers of this blog, and even more lurkers who I hope will become followers
I've met many new bloggers who I relate to on so many levels.
All of these are things that I couldn't have guessed 100 posts ago. Never.In.A.Million.Years.
I thank those who take time out of their busy days to read my blog, and I thank those who take the time to leave me wonderful and supportive comments. Every time I get a comment, it warms my heart. I look forward to seeing where I'll be when I hit 200 posts, but for now, I'm going to focus on every day that I am given.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Silly Man
I haven't really made any baby purchases yet. I've been given some gifts and things, but I haven't actually bought anything.
Yet, every week, we seem to get a new package in the mail. And every week, it's of the same nature. Yes. . . apparently my husband has been shopping on e.bay for clothing attire with his favorite soccer team's name on it. My husband LOVES soccer, and he loves his Manchester United Team.
We don't know how old our child will be when we bring him home, so T gets onesies in a few different sizes. One of these onesies, he actually picked up in England last winter when he flew there to see a Manchester United match.
So, it looks like our child will not be short of soccer attire. I could pretend to be annoyed, but honestly, I think it's the cutest thing ever. T is as excited to be a parent as I am, and for that, I am truly lucky.
Monday, January 11, 2010
The Inevitable Comments
I want to preface this post by saying, I feel so loved and supported by all, and it's the best feeling in the world. I hate to use my blog as a place to complain, because I am so happy and blessed in my life. But it is also a place I try to educate people. This is really the main reason I started the blog in the first place. To educate people about the adoption process. Most of the time, I'm just preaching to the choir, afterall, I'm guessing the majority of my blog readers have adopted or are planning to adopt.
Moving on. . .
When announcing our pregnancy to people, the first inevitable question we were asked was, "Are you still planning to adopt? This question I fully expected, and it didn't bother me at all. Afterall, many agencies won't even let you adopt if you are pregnant. So, I expected the question and was fine with it.
But the second thing most people sayd was the inevitable comment that bothered me. This comment was (and is) being made constantly. Almost.Every.Single.Time. The comment most people make is that all one has to do is adopt and then they'll end up pregnant. Or I'll tell people I'm pregnant, and they'll just laugh and say I told you so. I told you once you started the adoption process you'd get pregnant. (Really? You knew? Because I was almost 100% positive that I'd never have a biological child, so I'm so glad by your certainty) Or the stories people tell me. Because almost every person I've shared my pregnancy news with knows of someone who adopted and then got pregnant. As if that was the only thing people struggling to get pregnant needed to do. Yes, just adopt people, and then you'll get pregnant.
Yes, I have heard this comment no less than 5,435 times. And I know people mean well. These comments are coming from wonderful, supportive people who have been nothing but great to me. But the comment does bother me, and it's frankly, just not true. I've researched the frequency of this happening, and it's actually very rare. So rare in fact, that when it does happen, it's been known to make the news.
And I don't doubt that many people out there know someone who adopted and then got pregnant. But don't make the assumption that the person was adopting just because they couldn't get pregnant. People adopt for all sorts of reasons. T and I were going to adopt regardless of our fertility. It was always part of our plan.
People started making this comment to us before we were even pregnant. They liked to tell us that as soon as we started the adoption process, we'd get pregnant. That comment equally irked me. I was 100% okay with not getting pregnant. I was 100% in for the adoption, and that was the most important thing. People just assumed we were only adopting because we couldn't get pregnant.
I want to end this post by saying again that I know people mean well. But the comments people make stick with me, as I'm sure they stick with other people who have heard those comments. Always try to be aware of the comments you make to people and how those comments affect them. I know I'm guilty of making unintentionally hurtful comments. Everyone does it, and in most situations, it's simply a learning opportunity.
(As I finished typing this post, the Director of my department approached me. He wanted to offer his congratulations, and he shook my hand. He then said, "I have a neighbor who couldn't get pregnant, couldn't get pregnant, and then they adopted an adorable little boy, and bam, she got pregnant." AHHHHHHHHHHHH. That is me screaming!!! I certainly haven't discussed my fertility with my Director. Why do people make assumptions that people only adopt because of infertility? It's a really scary assumption to make. Okay. . . fuming. . . must go eat chocolate to calm nerves)
Moving on. . .
When announcing our pregnancy to people, the first inevitable question we were asked was, "Are you still planning to adopt? This question I fully expected, and it didn't bother me at all. Afterall, many agencies won't even let you adopt if you are pregnant. So, I expected the question and was fine with it.
But the second thing most people sayd was the inevitable comment that bothered me. This comment was (and is) being made constantly. Almost.Every.Single.Time. The comment most people make is that all one has to do is adopt and then they'll end up pregnant. Or I'll tell people I'm pregnant, and they'll just laugh and say I told you so. I told you once you started the adoption process you'd get pregnant. (Really? You knew? Because I was almost 100% positive that I'd never have a biological child, so I'm so glad by your certainty) Or the stories people tell me. Because almost every person I've shared my pregnancy news with knows of someone who adopted and then got pregnant. As if that was the only thing people struggling to get pregnant needed to do. Yes, just adopt people, and then you'll get pregnant.
Yes, I have heard this comment no less than 5,435 times. And I know people mean well. These comments are coming from wonderful, supportive people who have been nothing but great to me. But the comment does bother me, and it's frankly, just not true. I've researched the frequency of this happening, and it's actually very rare. So rare in fact, that when it does happen, it's been known to make the news.
And I don't doubt that many people out there know someone who adopted and then got pregnant. But don't make the assumption that the person was adopting just because they couldn't get pregnant. People adopt for all sorts of reasons. T and I were going to adopt regardless of our fertility. It was always part of our plan.
People started making this comment to us before we were even pregnant. They liked to tell us that as soon as we started the adoption process, we'd get pregnant. That comment equally irked me. I was 100% okay with not getting pregnant. I was 100% in for the adoption, and that was the most important thing. People just assumed we were only adopting because we couldn't get pregnant.
I want to end this post by saying again that I know people mean well. But the comments people make stick with me, as I'm sure they stick with other people who have heard those comments. Always try to be aware of the comments you make to people and how those comments affect them. I know I'm guilty of making unintentionally hurtful comments. Everyone does it, and in most situations, it's simply a learning opportunity.
(As I finished typing this post, the Director of my department approached me. He wanted to offer his congratulations, and he shook my hand. He then said, "I have a neighbor who couldn't get pregnant, couldn't get pregnant, and then they adopted an adorable little boy, and bam, she got pregnant." AHHHHHHHHHHHH. That is me screaming!!! I certainly haven't discussed my fertility with my Director. Why do people make assumptions that people only adopt because of infertility? It's a really scary assumption to make. Okay. . . fuming. . . must go eat chocolate to calm nerves)
Friday, January 8, 2010
Adopted
Our adoption agency recommended everyone going through international adoption watch a documentary called Adopted. So, I added it to our net.flix Q, and last night, T and I sat down to watch it.
I was really looking forward to the documentary, and wasn't sure what to expect. I guess I could have read more about it, but I love the element of surprise. It was very good. But definitely not what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting something upbeat. . . talking about how wonderful international adoption is. Well, that was not this documentary.
This documentary was mainly focused on a grown woman, who had been adopted as a baby from South Korea. She was adopted by two white parents, and raised in a town where she was the only non-white person. She was constantly teased about her eyes, her jet black hair, and her different appearance. At one point, she begged her Mom to let her have eye surgery to make her eyes round, and to have her hair dyed blond.
One of the most wonderful things during this documentary, was when this adoptive woman said that when you adopt someone, you don't just adopt a person. You adopt who they are, you adopt their heritage, their ancestry, their being. When this woman was adopted in the mid 70's, the pattern wasn't to speak about the adoption. The adoptive parents felt threatened by this woman's birth family, so the topic was not allowed.
At one point, this woman says:
I was Korean, but not.
I was White, but not.
I was an American, but not.
She really struggled with her identity. She didn't fit into the Korean culture, because she didn't even know the language. Sure, she looked like them, but that was the only similarity. She had grown up around all white people, but everytime she looked in the mirror, it was a reminder that she wasn't white.
The most powerful thing she said was at the very end of the documentary.
"People only want to talk about the good things about adoption. But adoption wouldn't exist if abandonment didn't exist. I was adopted because I was abandoned. And the thing adoptive parents need to realize, is that we children realize that. . . at a much younger age than anyone thinks."
This documentary gave T and I so much to think about. I've always been very cognizant about the fact that adoption stems from loss. But now we will work hard to give our son an identity. We are blessed to live in an extremely diverse community. He will in no way be the minority, in fact, he may actually be part of the majority race. We need to do everything in our ability to give him the identity that he deserves. We now have knowledge on our side. . . In the 70's, adoption was very different. Now, adoption seems to be more open. But I finished the documentary feeling sad and overwhelmed. It was just reiteration that the focus needs to be on the adoptive child, and not what I'm gaining from this. We must adopt everything about this little boy, especially the country in which he'll be born.
Have you adopted internationally? What have you done to give your child identity? Or are you in the process of adopting? And do you have any ideas?
I was really looking forward to the documentary, and wasn't sure what to expect. I guess I could have read more about it, but I love the element of surprise. It was very good. But definitely not what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting something upbeat. . . talking about how wonderful international adoption is. Well, that was not this documentary.
This documentary was mainly focused on a grown woman, who had been adopted as a baby from South Korea. She was adopted by two white parents, and raised in a town where she was the only non-white person. She was constantly teased about her eyes, her jet black hair, and her different appearance. At one point, she begged her Mom to let her have eye surgery to make her eyes round, and to have her hair dyed blond.
One of the most wonderful things during this documentary, was when this adoptive woman said that when you adopt someone, you don't just adopt a person. You adopt who they are, you adopt their heritage, their ancestry, their being. When this woman was adopted in the mid 70's, the pattern wasn't to speak about the adoption. The adoptive parents felt threatened by this woman's birth family, so the topic was not allowed.
At one point, this woman says:
I was Korean, but not.
I was White, but not.
I was an American, but not.
She really struggled with her identity. She didn't fit into the Korean culture, because she didn't even know the language. Sure, she looked like them, but that was the only similarity. She had grown up around all white people, but everytime she looked in the mirror, it was a reminder that she wasn't white.
The most powerful thing she said was at the very end of the documentary.
"People only want to talk about the good things about adoption. But adoption wouldn't exist if abandonment didn't exist. I was adopted because I was abandoned. And the thing adoptive parents need to realize, is that we children realize that. . . at a much younger age than anyone thinks."
This documentary gave T and I so much to think about. I've always been very cognizant about the fact that adoption stems from loss. But now we will work hard to give our son an identity. We are blessed to live in an extremely diverse community. He will in no way be the minority, in fact, he may actually be part of the majority race. We need to do everything in our ability to give him the identity that he deserves. We now have knowledge on our side. . . In the 70's, adoption was very different. Now, adoption seems to be more open. But I finished the documentary feeling sad and overwhelmed. It was just reiteration that the focus needs to be on the adoptive child, and not what I'm gaining from this. We must adopt everything about this little boy, especially the country in which he'll be born.
Have you adopted internationally? What have you done to give your child identity? Or are you in the process of adopting? And do you have any ideas?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The Best Kind of Overwhelmed There Is
Overwhelmed.
That word doesn't quite sum up exactly how I'm feeling. All day long, I sit at work and think about my changing life. I make lists in my head of all the things T and I need to do. I plan and dream of the life that awaits us. And then I get home, exhausted, and all of these great plans are put off for another day, as I get into my bed at 8pm, to get my 10 hours of sleep every night.
I try not to be hard on myself. I continue to tell myself that I have months and months before all of these projects need to be done. Life just feels discombobulated. I have a need to control everything that is in my power to control, and that's what I'm trying to do right now. But I'm tired, and I'm cold, and my head hurts. . . and it is just more fun to lay in bed and watch TV than to work on these projects.
But all day long, my head spins.
Daycare for 2 infants in my city will cost about $2,500 a month. How will we afford that? I still need to work, T needs to work. . . so yes, we will need to think of something for our children.
How am I going to work out maternity leave, especially when I don't know when our adoption will be complete and T and I will be able to travel to get our son. Will I need to take two maternity leaves? One in July? Then one when the adoption is complete? Will my work even allow that?
Must organize our house so it feels like it has more space. Organization is the key to happiness! We'll need to organize all the kitchen cabinets to make space for baby stuff, we'll need to buy some shelfing for our pantry that we've never used since we bought our house, cause there was never the need for that space. We'll need to clear out the one bedroom we currently use as an office, and move our office to our lower level family room. We need to clear out one guest room, and move the guest room to our lower level bedroom. We need to paint. We need cribs, and dressers. We need a plan.
Oh my gosh. . . We are having two children. We are not prepared. How are we going to afford this? How are we going to adjust to this? We don't have a bath in our house. Instead, we have an oversized shower. How will that work with babies? Will we have to bath them in the sink? But what about when they get bigger? Will we need to transition them to showers at the age of 1?
Ahh. . . Yes. The constant thoughts running through my head. I thought I'd let you into the madness and sheer panic currently going on in there. And, if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears. :-D
That word doesn't quite sum up exactly how I'm feeling. All day long, I sit at work and think about my changing life. I make lists in my head of all the things T and I need to do. I plan and dream of the life that awaits us. And then I get home, exhausted, and all of these great plans are put off for another day, as I get into my bed at 8pm, to get my 10 hours of sleep every night.
I try not to be hard on myself. I continue to tell myself that I have months and months before all of these projects need to be done. Life just feels discombobulated. I have a need to control everything that is in my power to control, and that's what I'm trying to do right now. But I'm tired, and I'm cold, and my head hurts. . . and it is just more fun to lay in bed and watch TV than to work on these projects.
But all day long, my head spins.
Daycare for 2 infants in my city will cost about $2,500 a month. How will we afford that? I still need to work, T needs to work. . . so yes, we will need to think of something for our children.
How am I going to work out maternity leave, especially when I don't know when our adoption will be complete and T and I will be able to travel to get our son. Will I need to take two maternity leaves? One in July? Then one when the adoption is complete? Will my work even allow that?
Must organize our house so it feels like it has more space. Organization is the key to happiness! We'll need to organize all the kitchen cabinets to make space for baby stuff, we'll need to buy some shelfing for our pantry that we've never used since we bought our house, cause there was never the need for that space. We'll need to clear out the one bedroom we currently use as an office, and move our office to our lower level family room. We need to clear out one guest room, and move the guest room to our lower level bedroom. We need to paint. We need cribs, and dressers. We need a plan.
Oh my gosh. . . We are having two children. We are not prepared. How are we going to afford this? How are we going to adjust to this? We don't have a bath in our house. Instead, we have an oversized shower. How will that work with babies? Will we have to bath them in the sink? But what about when they get bigger? Will we need to transition them to showers at the age of 1?
Ahh. . . Yes. The constant thoughts running through my head. I thought I'd let you into the madness and sheer panic currently going on in there. And, if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears. :-D
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Adoption Updates
1. T and I have been on the waitlist for almost 2 months! It will be officially 2 months in a couple of days. YAY!!! (I have a ticker at the very bottom/center of this blog if you ever want to track the timeline with me) A part of me feels like the wait has gone fast, but another part of me feels like we've been on the waitlist forever.
2. We received a packet in the mail from our adoption agency going over the referral process as well as the travel process. I've only taken a quick glimpse over the paperwork, but it looks so exciting! Next week we will have a conference call with our agency to go over all the paperwork. It's hard to believe that this is the next step for us. It feels good to be sitting where we are.
3. Our referral could could at anytime, although I don't realistically expect it until late spring, early summer. I really want it to come soon (because I'm really impatient and because I really want to meet this baby of ours) however, when it comes, we will owe the agency $5,300 if we want to accept the referral. So, that means we need to come up with some ideas on how to raise some money. We plan on holding a garage sale this summer, but if the referral comes before that, I don't know what we'll do. As with everything, it will get figured out.
4. T and I met a great couple who is local and they are adopting from the same agency as us, as well as the same country. Last night the 4 of us went out to dinner, and the food was was delicious. It's so nice to meet a couple who is local and I look forward to getting to know them better. One can never have too many adoption connections. :)
5. T and I are busy with house plans right now. Organization so we have room for our growing family, and some people in our lives have offered us furniture they are no longer using. Before we know it, the baby rooms will be complete. :-D
So, those are the current updates in the adoption process. We are thankful that things continue to move forward, and we look forward to the next steps.
2. We received a packet in the mail from our adoption agency going over the referral process as well as the travel process. I've only taken a quick glimpse over the paperwork, but it looks so exciting! Next week we will have a conference call with our agency to go over all the paperwork. It's hard to believe that this is the next step for us. It feels good to be sitting where we are.
3. Our referral could could at anytime, although I don't realistically expect it until late spring, early summer. I really want it to come soon (because I'm really impatient and because I really want to meet this baby of ours) however, when it comes, we will owe the agency $5,300 if we want to accept the referral. So, that means we need to come up with some ideas on how to raise some money. We plan on holding a garage sale this summer, but if the referral comes before that, I don't know what we'll do. As with everything, it will get figured out.
4. T and I met a great couple who is local and they are adopting from the same agency as us, as well as the same country. Last night the 4 of us went out to dinner, and the food was was delicious. It's so nice to meet a couple who is local and I look forward to getting to know them better. One can never have too many adoption connections. :)
5. T and I are busy with house plans right now. Organization so we have room for our growing family, and some people in our lives have offered us furniture they are no longer using. Before we know it, the baby rooms will be complete. :-D
So, those are the current updates in the adoption process. We are thankful that things continue to move forward, and we look forward to the next steps.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Painful Thoughts. . . A Follow Up
I cannot thank you all enough for your kind and thoughtful remarks to this post. You all gave me such wonderful perspective.
I read all of the comments and really put a lot of thought into what each one of you said in response to my post.
A reaccuring theme that I saw is that pregnancy is more real for people, because in 9 months, there will be a baby. But with adoption, there are so many uncertainties.
That is very interesting to me. I realize that is how most people think, but I also realize that I am not most people. You see, someone who struggles to get pregnant, changes. . . drastically. Everything about me in the past 1.5 years has changed. I used to have a "can do" attitude, but that all changed. I became a part of a community of people struggling to get pregnant, and of pregnancy loss. Through all of this, I realized that getting pregnant also doesn't guarantee that you'll have a baby in 9 months. For some, they never bring home a baby.
There are uncertainties in both adoption and pregnancy. Neither one is a guarantee that a baby will join a family in the end. All we can do is hope and pray that that is the outcome.
Thanks again for the support I always feel from this wonderful community. And tomorrow, I promise a happy and uplifting post. :-D
I read all of the comments and really put a lot of thought into what each one of you said in response to my post.
A reaccuring theme that I saw is that pregnancy is more real for people, because in 9 months, there will be a baby. But with adoption, there are so many uncertainties.
That is very interesting to me. I realize that is how most people think, but I also realize that I am not most people. You see, someone who struggles to get pregnant, changes. . . drastically. Everything about me in the past 1.5 years has changed. I used to have a "can do" attitude, but that all changed. I became a part of a community of people struggling to get pregnant, and of pregnancy loss. Through all of this, I realized that getting pregnant also doesn't guarantee that you'll have a baby in 9 months. For some, they never bring home a baby.
There are uncertainties in both adoption and pregnancy. Neither one is a guarantee that a baby will join a family in the end. All we can do is hope and pray that that is the outcome.
Thanks again for the support I always feel from this wonderful community. And tomorrow, I promise a happy and uplifting post. :-D
Monday, January 4, 2010
Painful Thoughts
I've been struggling about whether or not to write this post, as I don't want to hurt people who are still longing to have a biological child. I also don't want to offend people about your reactions, as I may refer to them below. But I did want to give a glimpse into the life of someone who has experienced the adoption process and the being pregnant process. (Both are still works in progress)
So, I guess this is my warning. . . sensitive material below.
When T and I started the adoption process, I wanted nothing more than for the whole thing to feel real. I can't tell you what exactly real is, but I knew I wanted to feel like any expectant mother, because in my own right, I AM expecting. Everyone creates family in different ways, and for us, we were creating it through a wonderful WONDERFUL gift called adoption.
Once we got far enough along in our paperwork, T and I wanted to spread our joy with others. Because we were feeling FULL joy. When my sister announced to us that she was pregnant, my Mom immediately sent a message out to family that she was going to be a grandma. It was the most natural thing in the world. When I told my Mom that T and I were ready to announce our adoption, it didn't feel so natural. I didn't feel comfortable telling everyone myself, but I wanted extended family to know our plans. Finally, I asked my Mom to email the entire family, just like she did when my sister was expecting. She emailed it to about 30 family members. I received I believe 2 responses back congratulating me.
Even when we told people in person about our adoption plan, we were met with mixed reactions. Some were thrilled, and hugged us, and beamed. I don't want to take away from those people. Others just said, congrats, while others were disappointed. Yes, I am as shocked as you probably are to know that there are people out there who think adoption is bad. But I couldn't make this up. These people exist, and their reactions were hurtful.
Because I hadn't experienced any method of creating a family besides adoption, I wrote this all off as normal. I figured this was just how people respond to growing families. I also figured I would never know any different, as this is how T and I are growing our family, so I let it go. I chose not to dwell.
Then I got pregnant. Then I started telling people I was pregnant. And yes, the reactions solidified everything I was previously thinking. . . people react MUCH differently to adoption news than to pregnancy news. MUCH different.
I was met with countless hugs, tears, emails, congratulatory expectant mother cards. (Wait, I thought I was already expecting?) There were some people who didn't even react to the adoption news, reacting BIG time to the pregnancy news.
I was hurt.
At one point, I articulated all of my thoughts to my Mom, and she explained that maybe people seem more excited about the pregnancy news because it seems more tangible. A reasonable explanation, I suppose, but the pregnancy does not feel any more tangible to me than the adoption. Not even a little bit. To me, the adoption is as real as it can get.
After being met with so much joy and happiness by the pregnancy news, I realized that people's reactions to the adoption news was most likely due to their uncertainty on whether or not this was a good thing. I mean, can adoption ever be a good thing if the reason you're doing it is because you couldn't get pregnant? It was like there was shame surrounding me which was reflective in people's reactions to the news. Honestly. . . That's how it felt. It was as if people felt sorry for me. They were happy I was going to be a Mom, but so sad that I wasn't going to have one of my "own."
I also want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I realize that people were probably so overjoyed by the pregnancy news because they new it was something I wanted. That could explain their excitement about the pregnancy, but it can't explain their lack of joy around the adoption.
I feel incredibly blessed to be one of the lucky few who are experiencing both. It has given me a new perspective on all of this. I'm a bit sad and disappointed however, by the huge difference of reactions. A part of me even felt anger when I was sqeezed tightly as congrats were being screamed in my ear. I'm happy you are excited about the pregnancy, but why weren't you excited about the adoption?
Again, I end this post by saying. . . I am so blessed. I know I am. I am lucky. I am thankful beyond belief. I hope that the difference in people's reactions will in no way reflect the difference in how my two children will be treated. Because I will love them both the same. I will love them both to the moon and back.
So, I guess this is my warning. . . sensitive material below.
When T and I started the adoption process, I wanted nothing more than for the whole thing to feel real. I can't tell you what exactly real is, but I knew I wanted to feel like any expectant mother, because in my own right, I AM expecting. Everyone creates family in different ways, and for us, we were creating it through a wonderful WONDERFUL gift called adoption.
Once we got far enough along in our paperwork, T and I wanted to spread our joy with others. Because we were feeling FULL joy. When my sister announced to us that she was pregnant, my Mom immediately sent a message out to family that she was going to be a grandma. It was the most natural thing in the world. When I told my Mom that T and I were ready to announce our adoption, it didn't feel so natural. I didn't feel comfortable telling everyone myself, but I wanted extended family to know our plans. Finally, I asked my Mom to email the entire family, just like she did when my sister was expecting. She emailed it to about 30 family members. I received I believe 2 responses back congratulating me.
Even when we told people in person about our adoption plan, we were met with mixed reactions. Some were thrilled, and hugged us, and beamed. I don't want to take away from those people. Others just said, congrats, while others were disappointed. Yes, I am as shocked as you probably are to know that there are people out there who think adoption is bad. But I couldn't make this up. These people exist, and their reactions were hurtful.
Because I hadn't experienced any method of creating a family besides adoption, I wrote this all off as normal. I figured this was just how people respond to growing families. I also figured I would never know any different, as this is how T and I are growing our family, so I let it go. I chose not to dwell.
Then I got pregnant. Then I started telling people I was pregnant. And yes, the reactions solidified everything I was previously thinking. . . people react MUCH differently to adoption news than to pregnancy news. MUCH different.
I was met with countless hugs, tears, emails, congratulatory expectant mother cards. (Wait, I thought I was already expecting?) There were some people who didn't even react to the adoption news, reacting BIG time to the pregnancy news.
I was hurt.
At one point, I articulated all of my thoughts to my Mom, and she explained that maybe people seem more excited about the pregnancy news because it seems more tangible. A reasonable explanation, I suppose, but the pregnancy does not feel any more tangible to me than the adoption. Not even a little bit. To me, the adoption is as real as it can get.
After being met with so much joy and happiness by the pregnancy news, I realized that people's reactions to the adoption news was most likely due to their uncertainty on whether or not this was a good thing. I mean, can adoption ever be a good thing if the reason you're doing it is because you couldn't get pregnant? It was like there was shame surrounding me which was reflective in people's reactions to the news. Honestly. . . That's how it felt. It was as if people felt sorry for me. They were happy I was going to be a Mom, but so sad that I wasn't going to have one of my "own."
I also want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I realize that people were probably so overjoyed by the pregnancy news because they new it was something I wanted. That could explain their excitement about the pregnancy, but it can't explain their lack of joy around the adoption.
I feel incredibly blessed to be one of the lucky few who are experiencing both. It has given me a new perspective on all of this. I'm a bit sad and disappointed however, by the huge difference of reactions. A part of me even felt anger when I was sqeezed tightly as congrats were being screamed in my ear. I'm happy you are excited about the pregnancy, but why weren't you excited about the adoption?
Again, I end this post by saying. . . I am so blessed. I know I am. I am lucky. I am thankful beyond belief. I hope that the difference in people's reactions will in no way reflect the difference in how my two children will be treated. Because I will love them both the same. I will love them both to the moon and back.
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