I've been struggling about whether or not to write this post, as I don't want to hurt people who are still longing to have a biological child. I also don't want to offend people about your reactions, as I may refer to them below. But I did want to give a glimpse into the life of someone who has experienced the adoption process and the being pregnant process. (Both are still works in progress)
So, I guess this is my warning. . . sensitive material below.
When T and I started the adoption process, I wanted nothing more than for the whole thing to feel real. I can't tell you what exactly real is, but I knew I wanted to feel like any expectant mother, because in my own right, I AM expecting. Everyone creates family in different ways, and for us, we were creating it through a wonderful WONDERFUL gift called adoption.
Once we got far enough along in our paperwork, T and I wanted to spread our joy with others. Because we were feeling FULL joy. When my sister announced to us that she was pregnant, my Mom immediately sent a message out to family that she was going to be a grandma. It was the most natural thing in the world. When I told my Mom that T and I were ready to announce our adoption, it didn't feel so natural. I didn't feel comfortable telling everyone myself, but I wanted extended family to know our plans. Finally, I asked my Mom to email the entire family, just like she did when my sister was expecting. She emailed it to about 30 family members. I received I believe 2 responses back congratulating me.
Even when we told people in person about our adoption plan, we were met with mixed reactions. Some were thrilled, and hugged us, and beamed. I don't want to take away from those people. Others just said, congrats, while others were disappointed. Yes, I am as shocked as you probably are to know that there are people out there who think adoption is bad. But I couldn't make this up. These people exist, and their reactions were hurtful.
Because I hadn't experienced any method of creating a family besides adoption, I wrote this all off as normal. I figured this was just how people respond to growing families. I also figured I would never know any different, as this is how T and I are growing our family, so I let it go. I chose not to dwell.
Then I got pregnant. Then I started telling people I was pregnant. And yes, the reactions solidified everything I was previously thinking. . . people react MUCH differently to adoption news than to pregnancy news. MUCH different.
I was met with countless hugs, tears, emails, congratulatory expectant mother cards. (Wait, I thought I was already expecting?) There were some people who didn't even react to the adoption news, reacting BIG time to the pregnancy news.
I was hurt.
At one point, I articulated all of my thoughts to my Mom, and she explained that maybe people seem more excited about the pregnancy news because it seems more tangible. A reasonable explanation, I suppose, but the pregnancy does not feel any more tangible to me than the adoption. Not even a little bit. To me, the adoption is as real as it can get.
After being met with so much joy and happiness by the pregnancy news, I realized that people's reactions to the adoption news was most likely due to their uncertainty on whether or not this was a good thing. I mean, can adoption ever be a good thing if the reason you're doing it is because you couldn't get pregnant? It was like there was shame surrounding me which was reflective in people's reactions to the news. Honestly. . . That's how it felt. It was as if people felt sorry for me. They were happy I was going to be a Mom, but so sad that I wasn't going to have one of my "own."
I also want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I realize that people were probably so overjoyed by the pregnancy news because they new it was something I wanted. That could explain their excitement about the pregnancy, but it can't explain their lack of joy around the adoption.
I feel incredibly blessed to be one of the lucky few who are experiencing both. It has given me a new perspective on all of this. I'm a bit sad and disappointed however, by the huge difference of reactions. A part of me even felt anger when I was sqeezed tightly as congrats were being screamed in my ear. I'm happy you are excited about the pregnancy, but why weren't you excited about the adoption?
Again, I end this post by saying. . . I am so blessed. I know I am. I am lucky. I am thankful beyond belief. I hope that the difference in people's reactions will in no way reflect the difference in how my two children will be treated. Because I will love them both the same. I will love them both to the moon and back.
23 comments:
I think this is a wonderful post! One thing that sticks out in my mind was when we decided to adopt my parents were on a cruise so when they got back I was so excited to tell them and my dad says "This is something we need to jump into right now" but if I would have said I was pregnant both of my parents would have freaked out! Now we ended up adopting within 2 months and of course they was over the moon for Mist but I will always carry that lil bit of hurt in my heart the way my dad reacted. To be honest he probably doesn't even know he did it but its just how some people react to adoption! I am so happy for you!
I have a thought on everyone's reaction to the adoption. Perhaps they were afraid to express the same kind of joy toward adoption as they would be to your being pregnant because so many things could go wrong. We all realize so many things could go wrong with a pregnancy too, but those kinds of stories aren't in the news. I'm talking about when birthmothers change their minds, or adoptions end up being a hoax after the couple has spent tens of thousands of dollars only to end up with nothing because there really was no child to be adopted. I think their lack of reaction is because they are afraid for you. Afraid you will go through the whole process and end up empty handed. I don't think it is that they aren't happy or excited for you, or that they aren't as happy about it as a pregnancy, I just think they are reserved to protect you.
I was completely excited for you and T when you first announced you were going to adopt. I was all for it. You will make fabulous parents and you are giving a child a chance at a life he wouldn't have had otherwise. But there is that little niggling fear about what if it doesn't go right?
I was so glad you chose internatonal adoption because the chances of a birthmothter changing her mind and taking her child back didn't exist, but then there was the niggling fear about the whole thing being a hoax.
I know you did your homework, and I know you are comfortable with your agency. And chances are far better that you will get your son than not, but a person who cares about you can't help but worry a little bit. I guess others are just crap about hiding it.
Anyway, that's my two cents. It takes a more positive spin, and it is where my head goes when people announce they are adopting. For what its worth, I feel the same fears when anyone gets pregnant.
great post. i truly sucks that people can't be as happy about adoption. luckily, for the most part, i've gotten very positive responses, but i have gotten WEIRD responses like they just don't know WHAT to say. i think that's a big part of it. THEY are uncomfortable with adoption b/c they have never been through it and don't know what to ask or what to say, but with pregnancy, they know exactly what to say and do. that doesn't excuse them from not being normal adults and realizing that a congratulations is in order... i don't know... i'm glad you wrote this though! not offended AT ALL!
Thank you for writing this beautiful post. It must be amazing getting the chance to compare the two processes of building your special family. I'm not sure why people would react differently, but I'm guessing it does have something to do with people not knowing if you are "sad" that adoption is the option...no idea why that would be, but just brainstorming. Regardless, I love your blog and am just so happy for Taher and you.
Feels so good to get things off your chest doesn't it?
I'm super excited for you and T. This past year for you 2 has been a roller coaster, your starting 2010 with 2 blessings on the way.
Paper pregnant or physical pregnant, the end result is the same.
Maybe the Lord is having you experience both as a way to teach others about both experiences! I think to some degree your mom is right being that a pregnancy means 9 months there will a little baby to hold! Adoptions have so much uncertainty that it's harder to grasp! I wonder if when you are matched with your son if you'll get that response you desire! I can understand your hurt and think it's wonderful that you are being so honest! Thanks for sharing!
I've had the same reaction - just the other way around. When I was preggo with my son, everyone was OVERWELMINGLY happy for us. With news of our adoption...even the people who are very happy for us - well, they're not as happy for us as they were when we were preggo...it's evident in their faces, they way they speak about the adoption and our daughter, they just seem uncomfortable with not knowing how to approach the great news that we will be parents to two now (one from birth one from adoption). It's really sad, but considering how adoption isn't the way most people form their families, I suppose we're going to see a lot of this along the way. Again, so very sad, because I'm just as excited with our adoption as I was with our pregnancy...I'm just as committed to our daughter through adoption as I am to our son through birth.
I am so happy for you....that you are blessed with having both experiences, of carring a child and adopting a child. You are a wonderful mommy!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. It must be interesting to be experiencing the announcement scenario for both adoption and pregnancy simultaneously - and I imagine it's hard to not compare people's reactions. I have experienced both and the difference has been quite stark. I do think a lot of it has to do with people's lack of familiarity with adoption and also, like you said, their knowledge that you tried to get pregnant first and later chose adoption. And now they know you were able to succeed in getting pregnant - which you wanted to do for so long - and it might even be a bit of a shock/surprise for them. But it doesn't explain the whole situation, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with such a disparity of reactions. In the end they will see how much both of your babies mean to you and hopefully they'll learn from that and treat others differently in the future!
I'm truly sorry that people's reactions hurt you. But to be honest (which I can't help being!) ;) it doesn't surprise me in the least. People are ignorant about adoption and know, or have experienced, very little surrounding it. We have not had any experience with IF but I still know what to say and not to say to someone who is going through it. It just takes some thought and decency. It just doesn't seem that folks can exercise the same thought patterns in relation to adoption! It's a bit astounding and disappointing at the same time.
We adopted domestically (and are again) and of course have gotten a lot of "Oh no! The mom might change her mind. She may come in the night on a drug induced frenzy and break into your house and steal the baby back!" Good grief and gravy. Life is not a Lifetime movie. :-p
It is interesting, and you are right that there are many negative perceptions about adoption out there that, sadly. We are not at the adoption stage yet, but even as we have thrown it out there as a possible direction our journey will take us, I can see what you are describing.
I wonder (and I say this humbly and cautiously) if it could have a *little* bit to do with the loss associated with adoption? I believe you wrote about an article describing this in an earlier post. That adoption is an amazing miracle for the parents and the child, but there was a loss of parents in the midst of it that causes people be more somber about it? Just throwing it out there - I agree that there are many negative misconceptions and lack of understanding about adoption - but maybe this is a tiny part of it.
First off, I'm so behind I haven't even gotten on to say congratz on the pregnancy. I'm beyond thrilled for you and T.
Now on to your post. I know, as well as many do I'm sure, exactly what you mean. About the reactions seeming different. I even had one person, my sister, tell me she was praying for us to have our sins forgiven and be made whole again so we could have our own child. I also remember an argument with my mother and her telling me she didn't think it was smart for us to have baby stuff already when we were still just waiting. That really hurt. Knowing I didn't have the full support of even my mom.
But back to you. I'm so sorry you've been met with these different reactions from people around you. I pray you are not or have not been asked if you'll be stopping your adoption. And I pray that when your child is born and your other child arrives home that they will not be compared differently. You've got a hard road ahead of you, but I've got a feeling you and T are a pretty strong couple who are going to be great parents with both of your blessings. CONGRATZ on both your adoption and your pregnancy. And if I were there I'd give you a huge hug for both.
Congratulations to you both! What an amazing year this will be! I was already really excited about your adoption process, and now this... overwhelming! I understand your sadness about people's reactions. I experienced something similar when I was pregnant with our twins. The complications seemed insurmountable, and people just didn't know how to react. It was still a blessing, no matter what the outcome. In every aspect of life, people in general are not comfortable with things that are not "normal" to them. Just know that for every person who gives you a crazy reaction, there are 10 more that are jumping up and down for both children you are expecting!
This is very powerful,and very important for everyone to read!
You are one of the select few who has experienced both, and you serve as a good reminder to us all that we should celebrate families - no matter how they're grown.
Thank you for this:)
Uh, I had to scroll down like three posts, I had no idea you were pregnant?!!? Congrats!! That's awesome! And, even more awesome you can still move forward with adoption! :)
P.S. people aren't purposely rude about adoption, I think it's mostly just ignorance (although some people are admittedly just jerks!)
thank you for this post. this is definitely familiar territory for me. i think i have retreated a bit into myself about our adoption because of this. it's a weird thing. and i think something i will always be processing on micro and macro levels.
Hi, this is my first time reading your blog. I thought this post was pretty interesting. I found that as we announced we were adopting, if I was very open about it and excited, then usually the people that I was sharing the news with felt the same. Those that were not familiar with adoption were comfortable asking me questions and got more excited as I shared information.
Thank you for writing this post. It is interesting and a little painful when you are going through the process of bringing your child home through adoption the mixed reactions you receive and the non-existant reactions. I can tell you that most of this changes to 100% good and excitement when you do finally have your child home. I am so excited to follow your journey and can't wait to see your family of four!
It does hurt... We had zero responses when we told people we were doing our paperwork for fostering/adoption. Zero. And then we actually had some nasty comments when we got pregnant with Bobby and Maya because of our history of loss. It is hard. People can be cruel- even when they dont realize it.
This is such a great post and in many ways something I could have totally written myself. I am way behind, but congrats on the pregnancy!! And even bigger congrats on still being able to move forward with the adoption...what a double blessing. :) So excited for you!
what a beautiful post and so very true its the very same for us as well, even from our family about adoption. I just think some people dont have any history with adoption and dont know about it. It sure is no excuse and i wish it was different.
Just curious when you are due? I saw your post on my blog and had to come over right away, so happy for you for both roads.
I don't have much insight personally...but I found this interesting. And I find it interesting that you get to experience the BEST of both BEST worlds...as not many people probably get that insight. I for one am thrilled for you on both counts.
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