Our adoption agency recommended everyone going through international adoption watch a documentary called Adopted. So, I added it to our net.flix Q, and last night, T and I sat down to watch it.
I was really looking forward to the documentary, and wasn't sure what to expect. I guess I could have read more about it, but I love the element of surprise. It was very good. But definitely not what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting something upbeat. . . talking about how wonderful international adoption is. Well, that was not this documentary.
This documentary was mainly focused on a grown woman, who had been adopted as a baby from South Korea. She was adopted by two white parents, and raised in a town where she was the only non-white person. She was constantly teased about her eyes, her jet black hair, and her different appearance. At one point, she begged her Mom to let her have eye surgery to make her eyes round, and to have her hair dyed blond.
One of the most wonderful things during this documentary, was when this adoptive woman said that when you adopt someone, you don't just adopt a person. You adopt who they are, you adopt their heritage, their ancestry, their being. When this woman was adopted in the mid 70's, the pattern wasn't to speak about the adoption. The adoptive parents felt threatened by this woman's birth family, so the topic was not allowed.
At one point, this woman says:
I was Korean, but not.
I was White, but not.
I was an American, but not.
She really struggled with her identity. She didn't fit into the Korean culture, because she didn't even know the language. Sure, she looked like them, but that was the only similarity. She had grown up around all white people, but everytime she looked in the mirror, it was a reminder that she wasn't white.
The most powerful thing she said was at the very end of the documentary.
"People only want to talk about the good things about adoption. But adoption wouldn't exist if abandonment didn't exist. I was adopted because I was abandoned. And the thing adoptive parents need to realize, is that we children realize that. . . at a much younger age than anyone thinks."
This documentary gave T and I so much to think about. I've always been very cognizant about the fact that adoption stems from loss. But now we will work hard to give our son an identity. We are blessed to live in an extremely diverse community. He will in no way be the minority, in fact, he may actually be part of the majority race. We need to do everything in our ability to give him the identity that he deserves. We now have knowledge on our side. . . In the 70's, adoption was very different. Now, adoption seems to be more open. But I finished the documentary feeling sad and overwhelmed. It was just reiteration that the focus needs to be on the adoptive child, and not what I'm gaining from this. We must adopt everything about this little boy, especially the country in which he'll be born.
Have you adopted internationally? What have you done to give your child identity? Or are you in the process of adopting? And do you have any ideas?
12 comments:
i'm going to have to hunt that down in netflix!
Wow. I never really thought about international adoption that deeply. I guess my ideas were pretty superficial too. I thought about the child and the effects on them, but not to that level. It sounds like it was a great idea for you to watch that movie to give you another, deeper perspective.
I am sure you and T will be awesome at helping your son fit in while keep his roots in his culture. You are very aware of him and his needs.
Thanks for sharing another perspective.
I haven't watched this movie yet, but it's on my list of things to do during our wait. I have read a good amount about international and/or transracial adoption from the (now adult) adoptee perspective, and it's fascinating. We live in a very diverse community and we will make sure that we always do and that our children go to schools with a diverse population. We will make sure people of that race are a regular part of our life and are visitors to our home. We also plan to adopt at least two children from the same country so that even within our home the races are evenly represented. We have explored the local community from that country and plan to do as much as we can so that our child can be a part of his/her native culture. It's so much to think about!
We will face, and have faced, similar challenges in our domestic trans-racial adoption. Our son is African-American, but we are white. He is actually not even "African" American, but Jamaican American!
When you adopt a child of another race, no matter where they come from, you do adopt their culture as well. In order to be true to your child's heritage you have to adopt their cultural heritage right along with them. You really have to go out of your way to make sure they are surrounded by people like them in both appearance and culture. Kid's aren't as naive as we think. They recognize early on that you don't look the same and they need friends and adults that they can identify with culturally.
We live near a major city so this is not as hard for us as it may be for others. If you (general you) are not ready to consider moving to a more diverse area, I think folks should consider this before adopting a child of another culture. We will be moving this year to a more diverse area because we know this is what our son needs. We probably will make no money off of our house, but he is more important than that. ;)
Sorry to sound "preachy" but I really think folks who adopt internationally or cross-culturally don't think about these things beforehand. So thanks Leah for bringing them up! It's a necessary discussion!
This subject was discussed A TON in our adoption education classes through our home study agency - and I am so grateful for that.
The social worker who headed the seminars was an international AP and had much experience with identity issues in interracial adoption. There are also several great books on the subject (I'm reading one now called Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?).
We also discussed the importance of culture and heritage in the adoptive child's life. Our daughter will be Ethiopia, our son Polish/Lebonese, I am Polish, my husband is Lebonese...so we are a family made up of 3 cultures...and we will all embrace all three. We will incorporate traditions from all three cultures into our family life, so that we can all benefit from the beauty of our differences.
One of my friends saved extra money to take with on their trip to pick up their child so that they could buy books in their child's native language, or special cultural items for them to have. This child's country of origin would be risky to visit again until she turned 21, so they have always told her they will take a family trip when she's old enough. Also, they sent her to a stateside language camp she was interested in learning her native tounge. Just some thoughts to share!
Yes, you get everything with your new child that comes into your home and your lives. One of my close friends adopted a son from Columbia twenty years ago. She made great strides in connecting him, in whatever way possible, to his native roots, while instilling love, values and family with his adoptive family.
You will give him EVERYTHING he needs :) And, you and T are going to be amazing parents to your children.
Many Hugs
I think you hit the nail on the head. Adoption is about the child, not the parent. As times have evolved, this has become more clear and it is a good thing. I think it has helped parents embrace the culture of their children, and has helped children gain the dual identity that they deserve to have.
I have not seen that documentary. My son is from S.Korea. He is still to young to understand things and I try not to get overwhelmed about how we will explain adoption to him. When the time is right we will be discussions about how our family was created and take it day by day. The world will be open to him- his birth country, his heritage, his story, our story as a family. Before we adopted we were given a lot of things to think about and it can be overwhelming. you will figure all that out and it will be catered to your child and the little person that they are.
I'm sure you'll do a lovely job at making your adopted child feel at home, and exposing him/her to their own culture.
It's good that the agency realizes these issues are important enough to educate adoptive parents.
The film actually has accompanying DVDs with educational components. I saw the film at a screening with the directors and a therapist who specializes in adoption related issues. The companion dvd's are really excellent. Just wanted to mention it to you.
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