Part of My Story. . . The Conclusion

You can read Part 1 here
And Part 2 here

So, after my failed IVF in July, I spent a few days crying and mourning. If you have never been personally touched by infertility, you may not realize how big of a loss it is. But it's a huge loss. Loss of a dream of a biological child, loss of a dream of having a child that is biologically half of your husband, and half of you. Anyone who has ever experienced it will tell you that it is a profound experience to go through, and that it forever changes your life.

I felt profound loss when I decided in July of 2009 to stop treatments all together. I even sought help from a counselor who specializes in infertility. I only attended a couple sessions with her, but they were very helpful, and it helped me to think through my loss.

Once treatments were stopped, I slowly started returning to myself. When going through treatments, there is no normal. Life revolves around the treatments, and the medications. It felt good to be done with it. I started reaching out to people more, I started opening up about the past year of my life. I started meditating, and searching for the deeper meaning in everything I had experienced.

The biggest turning point for me was I lost the shame I felt in my situation. I realized that my inability to get pregnant was not my fault. I realized I had no control over the situation, at all. I realized that maybe my greater purpose in life was to create a family through adoption. To be an advocate for all the children in the world who desperately need families. I started to come to peace with the fact that biological children were not in my cards. . . but that didn't mean I couldn't live a full life. It also didn't mean that I wouldn't continue to mourn the loss I was feeling.

The other biggest turning point for me, was when I was reading a blog from a couple experiencing a similar situation. All of their treatments failed, and they had some serious reproductive issues. After many many failed attempts at IVF, the Doctors finally told them it was hopeless. They then started the adoption process. The last entry ever written on this blog said, "To all the people still experiencing infertility, I want to say this. If adoption is the worst possible outcome in all of this, than I consider ourselves pretty lucky." How true that statement was, and it hit home completely.

Through this all, I really realized there is something out there much bigger than myself. And that there was a plan for my life. And the best thing I could do to heal was to move on. I couldn't be one of those women who saught treatment for years. I couldn't. The treatment ate away at me. To me, moving on, and moving forward was the best thing I could do.

I also learned patience. Things in life won't always happen on my clock. I can't focus on those things that I have absolutely no control over. Instead, all of my energy needs to be focused on things I can control. That was a huge epiphany for me. I had no control over getting pregnant. I simply couldn't be sad about it anymore.

Taher and I traveled to Ireland in October 2009, and I felt alive again. I was the old Leah, instead of the sad and angry Leah that I had been the previous year. Taher and I walked around the beautiful cities in Ireland, and dreamed of our baby boy. We were happy. Pregnancy was the furthest thing from my mind. In fact, I had already accepted that I would never be pregnant. And it was okay. But apparently, there were other plans for my life. And apparently, the Luck of the Irish really exists. ;-) We aren't positive, but we're pretty sure we conceived on that trip.

Many people look at my story and think my happy ending was getting pregnant after 18 months of struggling. But I believe my happy ending started before the pregnancy. I believe my happy ending was my decision to move on and move forward with my life.

And although Taher and I always wanted to adopt, I'm not sure if we ever would have "gotten around to it." It's expensive, it's tedious, it's difficult. . . If we hadn't struggled to get pregnant, I highly doubt we would be on the waitlist right now. Because of that, I am even more confident that this was the plan all along. That this is HOW it was all supposed to play out.

I wanted to share this story so openly because I'm not ashamed. I also wanted to share it because I want you to know you're not alone. Many couples experience this. It isn't anyone's fault. We all have our own stories. . . and this is mine. Infertility shouldn't be taboo. It's a huge problem and people shouldn't be scared to discuss it. I know for me, talking about it helped me to heal.