One of my beautiful bloggy friends pointed out to me via the comment section, that I rarely talk about my pregnancy. The comment made me think a lot.
I think me not talking about the pregnancy has been a conscious choice. I have so many mixed feelings about it. When I found out I was pregnant, I was thrilled beyond belief. Well, mostly shocked, but also thrilled. Shortly after, I started feeling a bit guilty about the pregnancy. I started wondering what it would mean for the baby boy we are adopting. Is it fair that he won't have an opportunity to be an only child? Will my children be deprived because we are having them so close together?
The guilt also came from the fact that there are so many women out there who would love to be in this position. Who would love to be pregnant. Going through all I've been through has made my heart grow. . . especially for this community. I think about these women who struggle all of the time. I don't want my blog to ever be a source of pain for others. So I have chosen not to talk about the pregnancy often.
And then a part of me feels like I need to overcompensate for the child we are adopting. As I mentioned in a previous post, when people found out I was pregnant, people were thrilled. We didn't necessarily get the same reaction from everyone when we told them we were adopting. Our biological baby is going to be loved and accepted. Immediately. But I worry if the same will be true for our adopted child. Because of that, I totally overcompensate. I talk more about the adoption than the pregnancy. I plan on giving our adopted child the big bedroom. I've bought more for the adopted child than I have for the bio baby. Yes, completely overcompensating. And I realize it, and really must stop. I love both of our future children. Truly.Madly.Deeply. I'm going to have to find the balance of treating them equally. . . even before they are here.
And then of course a reason I don't talk about pregnancy much is because a part of me hasn't fully realized it yet. My belly is getting rounder, and I'm starting to feel the little flutter of baby kicks in my belly. This is helping it to become more real. But for nearly two years, I dreamed of this. And now that it's here, I'm deathly afraid it will all slip away. I'm more cautious than I've ever been, because I know the road I took to get here.
But, I am happy. I'm so happy to have this living being in my belly, and I'm so happy to be expecting a baby boy from afar. And part of me finding the balance is talking about both. So, I just want to say the pregnancy is going well. I'm almost 18 weeks, and feeling pretty good! The nausea has pretty much gone away, and really my main symptom is tiredness. Constantly. I have a belly, but if you didn't know I was pregnant, you may just think I had put on a few winter pounds. I will post a belly shot in the next couple of weeks, I promise. :-D In less than two weeks, T and I find out the gender. Completely excited about that! But it doesn't matter to me. . . I just want to have a healthy baby. Truly, that is all that matters.
16 comments:
i can't wait until the big u/s! and for a belly pic :-)
I can't wait to find out what the baby is and oh a belly picture I love them! You will find the balance it will all come to you when you least expect it! I think that for us women who went thur everything we had to try to have a baby that when you do find out your pregnant you just can't wrap your mind around it because you tried so hard to get there and then finally gave up. I know that the one time I did find out I was pregnant (it ended in a very early miscarriage) I didn't believe it part of me still don't. I mean I have tried to get pregnant for 8 years ..out of 8 years I got one shot and that didn't work out? Crazy for me to think! You enjoy this and you take in every moment you can because both of your babies are such blessings! Off I go Mist is getting ready for school!
What an amazingly exciting time for you!
You know, I feel like my life was put on hold for the past few years, and the thought of it all changing is both thrilling and overwhelming. I'm guessing you're feeling a bit of the same.
I loved the ultrasound last week, it was amazing to see them again, so much bigger and wiggling around. It helps to make it more real. As do the little flutters, isn't that an amazing feeling!
I hope you can find a way to relax and know you will love these precious both equally. I cannot think of anything more exciting than the point you are at in your life.
I'm looking forward to seeing some belly pictures!
I can't wait to see your belly pics!!
I've often thought, while reading your blog, that you are going through so much at the same time. Being pregnant and adopting a baby are two of the biggest things you can go through in life, and you're doing it simultaneously! It sounds to me like you're finding a balance that works for you in thinking and talking about the two.
Wow what a blessing~two little gifts from God! I will pray as you walk the road of pregnancy and adoption that you will find a balance ~ you sound like you are doing ok so far! Can't wait to see some belly pics too!
Leah,
How very thoughtful of you to want to not inflict any pain on those who are still TTC. What a heart felt gesture. I fully believe we have to celebrate the miracles of others in order to heal ourselves. Your journey has been long and challenging and no one deserves to know this happiness any more than you :)
It's normal to feel so guarded and feel anxiety after all you've endured...but this one's a keeper :) Your babies are going to be so loved and brought into a home with 2 parents who adore them and that is what matters.
As for bio v/s adopted, they are YOUR children...period. I suppose you will always feel a "special" bond with your little boy, as he was "chosen". One special chosen child and one little miracle child. It's so beautiful...the most beautiful thing is that these children will not be an only child! Makes me soooo happy!
HUGS and so happy you are feeling well.
xoxo
I'm glad you brought this up because I was wondering also about your pregnancy. You're truly going to have the best of both worlds! I've never been pg, but I think I understand what you meant about 'overcompensating' about the adoption. I think it's an example of what a caring and thoughtful mom you will be.
I'm glad you spoke your feelings about your pregnancy. I was worried that you felt like you couldn't speak about it in fear people would think that you didn't feel as happy about the adoption. No one that comes to your blog could possibly think that you care more or less for either child. We know where you stand and love your strength. being this is your first pregnancy tho, I would have thought you would want to talk about it, ask questions, have something you can look back on your blog 3 years from now and relive the memories. I mean isn't that what we all do blogs for? It's not just for others, it's for ourselves as well. we as your readers have enjoyed every moment of your adoption process. Let us enjoy your pregnancy to :)
We are all so very happy for you and T. I can't imagine other women that follow you that are still TTcing would be offended by your happiness.
So excited you'll be finding out the gender. I'm sure that will help you start buying and doing things for this baby while waiting for your son to make his apperance. It's wonderful that you are experiencing both at the same time, but I imagine it's truly exhausting.
I know it must be hard but don't worry about any hurting women reading your blog. We have the choice to read the pregnancy posts or not given our emotional state the day it's posted. Enjoy every moment of this miracle and let us all enjoy it with you.
I think you need to do what feels right for you in each moment. If talking about the adopted child feels right, then go with it. Everything will even out. There is balance in everything.
*hugs*
I STILL struggle with these things. The balance of what others think while at the same time knowing that they are individual children needing different things can be overwhelming.
Oh the silly things I've done: toys carefully selected, (Who gets the dark brown doggie and who gets the tan one? Can I give Noah a stuffed monkey? or use the nickname "buster brown" as all our kids have sported.) It seems silly, but I DO think of what people think.
And yet...when it comes to the important things, is when we just have to let go of what others might think and parent from our heart. Things will fall into place. You will see. :)
On another similar note: I didn't blog much about my last pregnancy (too busy and sick I guess) and someone just recently asked to hear the story of how she came into our family. Oops! :)
Hi. I just came across your blog. Congrats on the pregnancy and the upcoming adoption. Will you be telling people that you are pregnant in the profile books? I hope you can find that balance between the two, because both children need to feel part of the family. My daughter's parents had a biological child a few years later and I wonder how they found the balance. I am sure they did though.
Such an interesting post, Leah, and I can totally get what you're saying. You are in a very unique position that is an amazing blessing but has a little extra navigation required :)
What a great resource!
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