When adopting, trying to figure out the timing of things can be difficult! There are so many unknowns. I don't know when we'll get our referral for a baby boy. And once the referral comes, I don't know when we'll get a court date, and then when we do get a court date, I don't know when we'll get an embassy date in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, which means we'll get to travel there. So many unknowns, and all T and I have to work off of, is loose estimates that our agency gives us. Let's just say it makes planning difficult. And have I mentioned that I LOVE to plan?
What makes the timing even more interesting is the fact that I'm pregnant, and due on July 7th. I've started having nightmares about the timing of all of this. Last night, I was woken up by a nightmare that our embassy date in Ethiopia was right around delivery time, so Taher had to fly to Ethiopia alone, and I had to give birth alone. That of course would be the worse case scenario.
T and I are still estimating that we'll get a referral in either April or May. Then it's usually a couple months to a courtdate, and passing court can take more than one attempt, and then when you pass court, it can take a month or two to get an embassy appointment which allows you to travel. So, that would put us at traveling to Ethiopia in September or October. That would work!
The other day, some ladies at work asked what I'll do with the newborn at that time. T and I have already discussed that if for some reason we were ready to travel in July, that T would go with my mom and his mom and I would stay home with the baby. But I said that if the baby is at least a month old, I would give the baby to my parents for the week while T and I traveled to Africa. Well, of course these ladies freaked out! They kept saying, oh, once you have your daughter, you'll see. You won't be able to leave her, you'll see. (BLAH BLAH BLAH. Sorry, that's how I feel when people say that to me) I tried to explain to them as gently as possible that T and I going to Ethiopia will be our birth story with Khalil. THAT will be how we meet our son. It will be no less or no more special than when we meet our daughter in a delivery room. It will be different, but the same amount of special. And I will do EVERYTHING in my power to travel to Ethiopia with T. To be there when Khalil is placed in our arms. And if that means giving our daughter to my parents for a few days, than so be it. And trust me, she will be spoiled rotten, my parents will love the extra time they get with her, and I'm pretty sure our daughter will remember us when we get back. . . 5 days later.
Then there is the issue of maternity leave. My company offers 12 weeks of FMLA in a year. So, the way it is looking is, when I give birth, I will take 6 weeks off. Then I will go back to work, and when we get the call that we can travel to Ethiopia, I'll take another 6 weeks off. Not the most conventional leave, but it will work. Yesterday my boss is talking to me, and she starts giving me advice, not as my boss, but as a woman. (Her words, not mine) She tells me that because I'm allowed 12 weeks a year, if she were me, she would take the majority of the 12 weeks when I give birth, and then a shorter time when Khalil gets home. She then goes on to tell me how it will be much easier to find a replacement for me in the summer months. So really? I'm supposed to think her advice was as a woman and not my boss? Right! I then tried to explain to her that when Khalil comes home, we'll need a lot of bonding time and things like that, which is why I would take a minimum of 6 weeks.
The truth is, I don't expect everyone to know details about adoption. They aren't doing the research like I am. They aren't attending classes, renting DVD's, and networking with other adoptive parents. But I do wish they would keep their opinions to themselves, and not pretend that they know what's best for my family.
I have confidence that at the end of the day, the timing will all work out. It will be perfect. The way it's supposed to be.
27 comments:
Another thing we are not in control of! Just like you said, when it happens it will be perfect.
I am a planning person, too, so I think I'd feel the same way in your shoes!! I think you're doing a great job about being realistic with what you can and can't plan and going from there :) I know it will all work out!!
Sounds like you are a little bitter in this post. Just a thought, but you are going by all estimates. It could be next year before you get your letter getting your referral, you just don't know. Maybe the opinions everyone is giving you aren't so far off as you would think they are. Something to ponder on.
The unknowns of the timing of all of this is hard enough for people who aren't pregnant to figure out - it's so much more complicated for you! It sounds like you have as much of a plan as you can have. Now it's up to the timing to see how it plays out. I am confident, though, that it will work out as much as possible for you!
I'm so sorry your having nightmares. Some people are so insensitive when it comes to adoption. Like you said it will all work out the way it is suppose to. But, that doesn't make it any easier right now.
To anonymous,
If you want to write negative comments, I dare you to not do it the passive agressive and cowardly way you have chosen to do it.
The point isn't about the estimates. You are right. . . they are just estimates, and they could be completely off.
What bothers me is when people suggest that I stay home with our daughter instead of traveling to Ethiopia. As if one child will mean more to me than another. You perhaps missed the point of my post if you didn't see that.
Things with work will work out the way you need them to.
As far as planning goes with children, It's never a planned thing. You can't say I'm having the baby this day and this is how it will happen. I'm sure it is the same with adoption. It's just as much an amazing surprise as giving birth. only thing you can "plan" is what you will have with you when you go, by packing bags ahead of time :)
Your an amazing person Leah, I have no doubts that the bringing into your world 2 beautiful children will happen in a wonderful way.
Leah,
I too am a planner...I want a plan! A plan for everything!!! I look at what you are wanting as being prepared and I admire your forward thinking and your and T's determination to shower your little boy with love "together", if at all possible.
My friends adopted a little girl from Guatamala and J was not able to go and pick up Maria, as she was pregnant. So, her hubby and his sweet Mother made the trip. When they got home Maria landed in J's arms and it was instant LOVE!
Try and not put too much stress on yourself...its all gonna work out, mabe not the way "we plan" but it will evolve and be perfect :) I'm praying you get to go...fingers crossed. I have to believe you WILL and I see nothing wrong with leaving the baby with your parents :)
HUGS and LOVE
How are you feeling?
Sounds like you're getting your "duckies" in a row and making a great plan for your two new babies!
Just to give you an idea about timing with regard to referral/court/travel. We got our referral before our Dossier was in ET...so, our wait for court actually began once our dossier arrived on Jan 5th. We got notice of our court date on Jan 27th...and the court date was on Feb 8th. We are waiting to travel now...and will likely be in the 2nd March travel group at the end of that month.
Good luck with all the planning...I have soooo much to do too, but I can only imagine planning for 2 babies coming home a 2 different times is 100 times more cumbersome...best of luck.
It is tough when people offer their opinions and feel the need to tell you what you should be doing. Ultimately, it comes down to what you and T feel is the best decision for your family! That is all that matters. As a side note, I think your idea of taking 6 weeks off with your daughter and then another 6 weeks off with your son sounds perfect. I think it is very fair and a great way to split up your leave. Best wishes to you!!! (I wasn't the earlier annonymous post either).
Your boss was totally out of line, both as a "woman to woman" talker and as a boss. People!
My advice (which you can totally ignore! lol) is to plan what you can and put the rest in God's hand. He won't let you down.
Ugh...I hate, hate, hate adoption advice from people who have never adopted or done any training!
You do not sound remotely bitter in this post, merely confounded by other peoples' ignorance and lack of perspective.
I love how you describe going to Ethiopia as Khalil's "birth story" 'cause that's totally what it is. Such a perfect way to look at it! I know that you've been appropriately sensitve to fact that others [idiots] seem to relegate your and T's adoption as somehow inferior to your and T's pregnancy. I'd be a big ball of rage in somebody's face, too.
I agree that 6 weeks + 6 weeks sounds like a good game plan, making the most out of what FMLA gives you. Although I wish that the adoption would be considered like another qualifying event (or something along those lines) so that it could give you at least another 12. I wonder what happens to women who have two separate pregnancies and deliveries in one year? (It happens!) Does mama not get any protected leave for her second baby? Just curious... I have no idea how FMLA works.
Trinity,
Thanks for not thinking I sound bitter. I'm sure I do sound bitter at times (hey, we all have our moments, right?) but I'm also pretty sure there is a nicer way to point it out.
I'm all for anonymous comments as I know not everyone has google accounts set up, but I do wish people would be nice.
I appreciate your (and everyone else's) kind words. :-D
Leah - Go you for standing up for yourself! It IS a juggling act and you have every right to be stressed about it! I think the plan you have at the moment is a good one and makes the most out of your FMLA time. I hope it works out that you can go to ET but in the end you and T will be amazing parents no matter how it shakes out! I just love adoption advice from people who haven't been through it. I have had some of that too and I personally find it a little insulting. Hugs from Ohio!
Oh my!!! you're plans are complicated! But you love those kids (already) and you will do what is right for you. Don't let loving opinions get you down. Take advice with a grain of salt: thus begins the multitude of decisions that YOU and your HUSBAND will be responsible for. Everything will fall perfectly into place!
I really hope the timing works out for you so that you can travel to meet your son.
Ugh - I used to get so annoyed by people's "just you wait" comments before we brought Matthew home! People always seem to think that they know what you are going to feel once you have your child, and that because you don't have your child yet you are not entitled to an opinion on how you want things to be!!!! So frustrating! You alone know what is best for your family.
I'm a planner too...I get it. Having no control is so difficult. But as you said, it will all work out in the end. Hope you're feeling well!
I nominated you for an award at my blog :)
The amount of advice that people feel free to dispense to pregnant women and new moms is insane! And to layer on an adoption on top of it, and you get all of the "well, my friend's cousin Suzie adopted/had a baby and..." We heard a ton of that going through infertility treatments, too. It takes a serious amount of poise, grace and patience not to haul off and smack well-meaning advice givers. I am sure you are both smart people who are totally capable of navigating these uncertain waters! Godspeed!
"as a woman, not as your boss"...
Puh-lease, that's ridiculous. As if she could offer you unbiased advice anyway...
I think it's smart trying to split the leave like that. The adoption agency we worked with told us that one of us would have to be home at least 6 weeks after an adoption placement, so you're definitely going to want as much time as possible to bond with your son.
I'm hoping by the time you give birth you DO have a better idea of the timeline and can set firmer plans.
All I have to say is holy beans!!! You've got a lot to try and plan with so many balls just flying around in the air!!! I know people mean well with their advice and sometimes, just because you don't care for it doesn't mean that it's not right (though I'm not aggreeing with the advice you got, I had some recently that I didn't like initially, but proved to be exactly what I needed right then), but most of this is unsolicited advice from people who've never been there!!! Adoption is a sticky subject as you can feel from some people that they don't feel this is your 'real' child and that is really hard to take, I know!! Each adoption story is different, but my daughter that is still in utero (we're adopting domestically, privately) and Khalil are no less our children!! A mother's love begins when God places that child on our heart or in our womb!
I'm with you on wanting a plan, so make your plan, revise it when you have to, and continue to stand up for yourself!!! You're amazing and both of your children are soooo blessed to have you both as parents!! Good luck & I look forward to your updates!!
P.S. Our birthmother is due July 8th!! So close!!!
I'm sure everything will work out. How exciting to have all these wonderful things to plan for.
I love that you have a plan with a tentative timeline, but are also holding it loosely. It is so clear you will make the best choices you can at the right time for each of your children!
I want to give my opinion on adoption...HAHAHAHAHA Just kidding.
I went through the first steps for foster/adopt here in the US. I have actually stopped because of some people's opinions making me question if I would be a good parent. (I would be a single parent). I am almost 30 and know I want to be a mom...I am just not quite sure what MY timing will be.
A friend from my work is actually flying with her brother in law to Ethiopia at the end of the month to pick up their adopted daughter! Same situation as yours it sounds like...trying to get pregnant, couldn't, tried fertilization, no go...went through adoption process and got referral...right after finding out they were pregnant! So now she has a very newborn and feels more comfortable having her sister fly with her husband to pick up the little girl. It's so exciting...and it's right FOR THEM. It isn't everyone's story, but it's theirs. And I am happy for everyone that is bringing a child into their life!
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