My energy level has been extremely low lately. I think it has something to do with the fact that all day long I think and obsess over all there is to do. Having my mind think constantly wears me out.
Do you ever feel like everything you experience in life is a test of some sort? I definitely feel that way. I truly believe that everything I have experienced up until this point has been to teach me a lesson. . . to help me grow.
When T and I were going through IF treatment, I remember wanting to JUST be pregnant, so we could start that chapter of our lives. Then when we started the adoption process, I wanted to JUST bring our child home, so we could start parenting. And now, I want the pregnancy to JUST be done and the adoption to JUST be done so I can have these two kids home. A family complete.
I don't know about all of you, but sometimes, when I have so much to do, I just do nothing. I become numb to everything. That's kind of the state I'm living in right now. Complete numbness. I've had relatives call me offering to buy baby furniture. . . what kind do I want? I don't care. I trust you'll get something nice. Just go for it.
And the hardest plans to make overall are the plans surrounding the adoption. We have relatives who keep asking about the timing. We simply do not know. We don't know when we'll bring our son home. For all I know, it could coincide with the birth of our other child. We just don't know. I don't know if I'll even be traveling with T. I'm hoping I will be, but if I'm 9 months pregnant, I won't be. Or if it's 1 week post having the child, I probably won't be either. I will consider it a success if T can be with me in the delivery room. Cause for all we know, he'll be on the other side of the world at that time picking up our son. I'm trying hard to just enjoy the process of this all. I'm also thinking about what all this waiting means? Maybe the waiting is intentional and will help me with my parenting skills when our children are home.
Then I read blogs from new parents who are struggling with the adjustment of having one child. I'm SCARED out of my mind at having two children. But, I know we can do it. I know we have no choice. And when both children are home, we'll both step up and parent to the best of our ability. I'm quite aware that sleep will be a thing of the past.
Should we put our children in separate rooms? Or should they share? When should we start painting? Is it too soon to be planning for these things? What if something were to go wrong? Is it too early to start purchasing things for our children?
And at the same time, I wouldn't change a thing. I feel lucky to be where I'm at. I'm happy about meeting our babies. And I know everything will come together. Everything will get done. (but that doesn't mean I won't have moments of panic. A LOT of them actually)
So, I need to just start making a list, and doing one thing at a time so I don't become overwhelmed. I just thought I'd let you all into the mind of an overwhelmed, soon to be Mama.
13 comments:
It's not surprising that you are overwhelmed - you have SO much going on and to think about! I know what you mean, though, about sometimes how when you have so much to do you sort of freeze up and do nothing. I can totally relate to that situation - it's exactly what I do, as well. Take your time and things will come together. The timing of the adoption is a major factor in all of this, so maybe once you get that referral you can better plan for that. Hang in there!
wow. i'm overwhelmed after reading that! i think you are justifiably overwhelmed!!! it WILL work out though! and you WILL have a WONDERFUL family!!!!
Oh Leah. We are so similar. I was listing off all the things I was fretting about to my mom the other day and she told me that my "worry list" was getting too long! I would get such better sleep if I could cut my worry list in half! When I become overwhelmed with worry I also become numb. So I am working on taking some things off my worry list. Here is a quote I am trying to focus on - "The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly." Hugs to you!
I do the same thing - when I have a whole list of things to accomplish it's like my brain goes into overload and just shuts down.
I remember all the waiting. That was absolutely the hardest part. We got our referral in February and were expecting to have our daughter home in May or June...we brought her home in December!!! Everyone was always asking when things would happen and all we could say was - "who knows..."
You will figure the parenting thing out!!!
Leah, you have so much grace. I have full-hearted confidence that you are up to this challenge and will manage all of this--the waiting, the preparation, the transition, the parenting--with success. You have an amazing partner, and you will guide each other through this AWESOME new chapter in your life. Fo' sho. ;)
Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed by a clusterf#*k of things in my life, this is what I do: make a list of the things that need to be done. And then draw a little table with three columns:
-things I can do today/this week
-things I can do in the coming months
-things I won't be able to do
And there's my game plan. Half the time I find that I eventually am able to do the things I thought I'd never get to, or weren't a priority, in that third column. I am a visual person--I live by lists.
Having said that, though, you're right: this is a journey, and the journey is AS MEANINGFUL as the destination/goal. I am future-oriented to a fault and tend to forget to feel the goodness of "the now." It's a conscious effort for me to step back and enjoy the moment.
Enough Dr. Phil already! :) Have a good day, girl!
Change is never easy...especially when you have time to think about it in advance. I'm overwhelmed with many of the things happening in our lives too...good luck processing all that's going on right now.
You'll get things done when you have to. I am the same way - too much stuff to do = do nothing. When we adopted our DS, we didn't decorate or anything (in fact his room was our junk room packed full of boxes) until we got our match and then we had three weeks to do everything. We did it. Now with our new adoption, I have our homestudy visit in two weeks and our house is a disaster. I am a little less worried about cleaning this time since I've been through this before, but I need to do a lot to get ready. I figure I'll be running around like a crazy person the day or two before the SW comes.
I think procrastination is one way we deal with IF. There are so many unknowns that its easier to just wait until everything is wrapped in a bow to begin a project. Besides, you don't need much for a newborn or an infant. You'll do fine.
I'm sooooo happy to have found your blog, Leah. Your story is awesome...and I am so happy to read that you are expecting. What an amazing journey you are about to embark on!
I feel the same way when I get overwhelmed. Instead of trying to get things started, I just shut down and can't do anything. Small steps, one day at a time.
I'm really looking forward to reading more, and best of luck with pregnancy & adoption!
Amy :)
In my experience Leah, It's never too early to start buying for the children. I started buying for the Twins when I was at 4 months along. and I still find things I don't have or need more of. Start with a theme? start collecting bits and pieces for that Theme?
Diapers, With 2 babies, you can never have too many. Bottles, socks, T-shirts... So many Little things you could start off with. I didn't sweat the big stuff, but I'm still sweating the little stuff :)
Start finding children's books for the adopted child in his culture. Do the same for the little one inside you. Those will be things they can share together as siblings.
Painting now may be in your best interest, This way fumes and what not will not still be lingering in the room when the new ones arrive.
Do you plan on Building shelves, or crafting frames, or anything in that nature? planning that and getting that started can lead to a chain reaction, before you know it you will be half way finished and soo proud of yourself!
I'm already proud of you :)
You have every right to be overwhelmed. In those moments, just remind yourself that you will make it all work. It will take some time to get used to it, but eventually you will find your stride and be off like no one's business. Just take it all a little bit at a time, just like you're already doing. :)
I think we would all feel equally overwhelmed....but I have to say that I think you are doing an AMAZING job. And will be an amazing mama :)
Oh, I can see that you could be stressed!! Lists really help me. I have to tackle one thing at a time or else I feel overwhelmed and do nothing :) Hang in there!!
Oh honey, you will do great!
I think it would be wonderful to raise them as twins, especially if they are that close in age. Our kids love being in the same room. They miss one another when they are apart.
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