The Evolution of My Adoption

I've mentioned before on this blog that I've always wanted to adopt. And I have. But I've also been honest about the fact that when T and I started the adoption process, it was really as a way to have children. At the time, I didn't think having a biological child was in the cards for me. Adopting from Ethiopia was how T and I were going to start our family. T and I attended a lot of adoption classes, and read a lot of books. I was going to become an expert on adoption, and the bonding process, and the issues with adoption.

Then we received the surprise I call TT.

It was a wonderful surprise, and it didn't stop our want to continue with our adoption. It would have been so easy to just put the adoption on hold, but T and I felt like we had already come so far with it, and I knew deep down that if we put the adoption on hold, that we'd probably never get around to actually going through with it. And I felt like I would have regretted that the rest of my life.

So we moved forward with the adoption. The pregnancy continued to move forward. And for the most part, I chose to live in this little fairytale of being someone who was blessed enough to have the opportunity to birth a child and to adopt a child. How lucky was I? And I am lucky. So very lucky.

But now realism is also hitting me. I've been a mom for 3 months now. And it's hard. I knew it would be, but it's so much harder than I could have ever prepared for. And now I'm just a little over a week from getting on a plane and heading to the other side of the world. And when I come home, I'll have Nur with me.

The reality is that I'm really scared. Terrified actually. I'm starting to have daily breakdowns. A part of me feels so guilty. The other families who will be traveling with me seem nothing but excited. But having TT has changed so much of this adoption for me. This adoption started as a way to have a child. Now this adoption is a way to add to my family. And for some reason, when I found out about TT, I stopped spending all the time to study adoption and take classes. I don't know why I stopped. . . I just did.

And want me to be really honest? And please, no one throw stones my way. A part of me feels like I'm betraying TT. A part of me feels like this isn't fair to her that her mama is about to go on the other side of the world and bring home her big brother. A part of me feels like I'm not going to have any time to devote to TT because Nur is really going to need me. He's going to be so scared. He doesn't know me, and I'm going to be taking him on the other side of the world. I'm going to take him away from everything he knows. EVERYTHING. He's going to need doctor's appointments, he's going to need a ton of one on one interaction. He's going to need me so much. He's going to need an abundance of love so he can trust me. But that doesn't change the fact that TT needs me. How am I going to give both of these children everything they need and want without feeling like I'm betraying one of them?

I am so excited. I don't want anyone to think otherwise. I'm just so scared. I truly don't know how I'm going to do this, and keep my sanity. I still trust that everything happens for a reason, but for the first time, I'm starting to doubt the timing of all of this.

Countdown to Ethiopia

I leave for Ethiopia in 9 days. It's becoming very real.

I keep having this reocurring "fantasy." TT and Nur are teenagers, and they are both yelling at me for ruining their lives. TT is yelling at me and telling me that she felt neglected as a young child because there was so much focus on Nur, and Nur is yelling at me that I should have left him in Ethiopia where he belongs.

No one ever has to make me feel bad. . . I do that really well all by myself.

My excitement over the situation is sometimes plagued with fear. I leave in 9 days and can't wait to leave. But then I'm going to come back home, and T and I will face the most difficult thing in our lives. . . parenting two children, 6 months apart.

T recently made a video of the footage he shot while in Ethiopia. The past few days, he and I have showed it to many people, so I've seen the video a few times. And everytime I see it, new concerns arise. Nur looks completely confused, and really introverted. And who wouldn't be! A complete stranger (T) is holding him and talking to him in a different language. And I'm about to go to Ethiopia and take him with me on a plane ride far far away. He is going to be so scared! It's also obvious from the footage how far behind he is from others his age. I hope that he'll be able to catch up with a lot of love and TLC. I hope and pray there aren't any underlying medical concerns that we'll discover once we get him home. We wouldn't love him any less of course, it would just be a lot easier for all of us if he was healthy.

We will really have our work cut out for ourselves when we return. Nur is going to have to see doctors, and most importantly, T and I are going to have to build up his trust. And while bringing Nur to doctors, and working on bonding with him, we have a 3 month old daughter who needs us as well. She's getting to that age where she knows who mama and baba are, and when she's upset, she wants one of us.

I wish I could just turn my mind off, and only focus on how exciting this is. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm a bit scared as well.

The Progression of TT

Today, Scarlett is 12 weeks old! She won't be "officially" 3 months old until next week. July had 5 weeks in it.

It's so hard to believe how much TT has changed.

I'll never forget the first time I saw TT. I had taken a pregnancy test a few days prior, and to my complete surprise, it was positive. I then had a blood test that confirmed my pregnancy. It was then time to do an ultrasound to try to estimate how far along I was, as I had no idea at all. I went to the appointment alone, and I was terrified. The nurse started the ultrasound, and saw the sac immediately. She then declared that it must be too early to see the heartbeat. Right after the nurse said that, both the nurse and I started seeing the little flicker of the heart. My baby had a heartbeat. I cried tears of happiness and relief. I was declared almost 6 weeks pregnant.

At 12 weeks, two days before Christmas, I got to see TT again. This time, she looked like a baby. A REAL baby. Granted, it was a disproportionate baby, but a baby, nonetheless. T and I watched our baby move like crazy on a big screen TV. The ultrasound tech verified that I was in fact carrying a very healthy baby. And the tech said although it's way too early to know the gender, she was guessing it was a girl.At about 20 weeks, we were able to see TT again. She REALLY looked like a baby now. We got to watch her roll around, suck her thumb and her toes. And it was confirmed. . . we were definitely having a girl! I was so happy. Although I truly just wanted a healthy baby, I have always wanted a daughter.

The last time we saw TT while she was in my belly was when I was about 26 weeks pregnant. I decided to surprise T and have a 3d ultrasound done. Let's be honest. . . it was a great surprise for me too! I got to see my baby girl. . . again. :) It was hard to tell what she would look like, but one thing was for sure. . . this girl was going to have big eyes and big lips.

And then July 6th came. And I got to meet the baby who I had been carrying. Who had been kicking me like crazy. Who would poke me back after I woke poke her. Who liked to keep me up all night moving around in my belly. I FINALLY got to meet her.
And now TT is 12 weeks old, and I truly can't remember life without her. She's a great baby. She smiles, laughs, and loves imitating facial expressions. She loves peace and quiet, and gets fussy when overstimulated. She loves going shopping with her Mama at Targ.et. (Okay, I may have made that up, but she has been to Tar.get about 1,000 times since her birth) She greets me every morning with the biggest smile when I poke my head into her bassinet. Her favorite place to hang out in the entire house is her changing table. . . right in front of a window. And because we can't leave a baby unattended on a changing table, T and I spend quite a bit of time there also. She loves when I sing to her, and she is even starting to recognize certain songs that I sing to her daily. She loves "talking" and is constantly making noises. She has her fake cry down, which means she wants to be held and to receive more attention. She loves the outdoors, but she isn't so sure about wind. She absolutely loves her pacifier, and won't go to sleep without it. She drinks about 4oz of milk every 2.5 hours. She is wearing 0-3 month clothes, and the 3 month clothes are still a bit baggy on her. She isn't too fond of carrides. Major bummer there. And I have no doubt that she is excited to meet this brother character we keep talking to her about. Happy 12 weeks baby girl!

Balancing Life

Right now, my life involves trying to find balance in everything I do, and being present wherever I am. I'm struggling with this right now.

I go to work, and I try to be a good and productive employee. I try to be present in what I'm doing.

I get done with work and literally rush home to be with TT. I try to be present when I'm with her. I play with her, sing to her, hold her and talk to her.

And then T gets home, and I try to be present with him. I try to take a couple minutes to ask him how his day went. And then I try to take a couple more minutes to actually listen to his response.

And then there is being present with myself. I haven't even attempted that one yet, and haven't managed to take time for myself yet.

While trying to be everything to everybody, I also try to keep the house in order by keeping up with laundry, the dusting, the vacumming. And yes, I know I'm failing at that too.

Most of the time, I feel like I am failing people in my life miserably. I feel like something has to give, but there is nothing that is going to give. Instead, we are adding to all of the chaos. I wouldn't have it any other way, but I also don't want to sugercoat how difficult this all is.

I just hope the people in my life hang with me as I continue down this path at only 50% capacity.

The Truth About Postpartum

I remember going to my 37 week appointment, and my midwife told me that I would be at high risk for postpartum depression due to the fact that I was about to experience a lot of change by giving birth and by adopting. I shrugged her off, and thought that it couldn't be true. There was no way I was going to have postpartum depression. Afterall, I had decided a LONG time ago that I wanted to be a mom, and I had been in the process of trying to have a baby for over 2 years. I thought that would make me appreciate motherhood even more. The fact that I had wanted it for so long, tried for so long. Motherhood would be that much more special for me.

Instead, I think the trying so long made having a baby too idealistic for me. I thought the entire experience would be beautiful and perfect. I thought because I was so prepared, that it would be easy.

Then I gave birth.

TT and I immediately made eye contact as soon as she was born. I remember thinking she was beautiful, and besides a little heart rhythm scare, she seemed really healthy. I breathed a sigh of relief. I was laying there in my hospital bed thinking, "This is it. This was the moment I had been dreaming about forever." Yet, it seemed so anticlimactic. I was expecting TT to be born, and me to hold her and cry tears of happiness for a dream realized. Instead I felt numb. My body hurt. Really badly. And at that moment, I had no great desire to hold TT. Instead, a nurse gave her a bath. Afterwards, the nurse brought her to me and asked if I wanted to hold her. "No, not right now," I replied. Instead, T held her for a while. I felt completely disconnected from the whole experience, and I didn't know why.

The second night in the hospital, I had my first breakdown. I can't even remember what it was about. I just remember holding TT and crying, and hoping a nurse wouldn't walk in during that moment.

Then I got home from the hospital, and a realization hit me. I had a baby. I wanted to go to sleep. Rest. Relax. Take care of myself. But I had a baby to take care of. This was forever. This was my new reality.

I loved TT to death. I loved her so much, that I would cry about that. Am I doing this motherhood thing good enough? Does TT love me? Does she deserve a better mom? My thoughts were completely irrational. Deep down, I knew that. But at the same time, I couldn't stop thinking them.

For the first 4 weeks of TT's life, I cried daily. About anything. I considered the day a success if I was able to make it into the shower. I felt lonely, and craved adult interaction, but after the first couple of weeks, the buzz about the new baby had worn off, and our guests started dwindling. I spent each and every day with TT, barely leaving the house, except to go on a walk here and there.

I felt so down, and I know there were people in my life pretty worried about me. I think a lot of my issues stemmed from my unrealistic expectations of motherhood. And I think my unrealistic expectations came from the fact that I had wanted to be a mom for so long. In my head, I kept building it up, and building it up. I thought I was going to have a baby, and feel wonderful afterwards. I thought TT would sleep a lot, and I would get the house in order daily, have dinner on the table for T when he got home. And even manage to sleep sometimes when she slept. Motherhood was a lot harder than I thought it would be. In fact, I didn't feel wonderful afterwards. I still have pains of childbirth, and for the first month, I hurt pretty badly. My house didn't stay clean. And dinner on the table? I just cooked my first meal recently. T and I had a lot of takeout and turkey sandwiches the first few weeks.

After 4 weeks, I slowly started to return back to my normal self. My body started feeling a lot better, and I started shedding some of the baby weight. I had more motivation to do things, and actually managed to shower AND put on makeup most days. My overwhelming love for Scarlett quit making me sad, and I realized that my love for her was a good thing. I started finding time to get things done around the house and spend time with my baby.

I don't think I had full blown postpartum depression, but I definitely had the baby blues. I was sad, and I didn't know why. And then I would become disappointed in myself for being sad, because this was supposed to be the happiest time in my life. I was just so down.

I wanted to share this, because I realized it can happen to anyone. I never thought it would hit me, because I wanted motherhood so badly. I'm lucky that for me it only lasted about a month, and got much much better. Some people aren't so lucky though.

Am I Doing Enough as a Mom

I received word yesterday that another Dove family in my travel group got their embassy date reinstated to the original date. . . meaning they are going to pick up their child this Friday. Tomorrow. How did they get this date reinstated? They called the embassy? That's all.

I've now missed two opportunities to call the embassy. The first time, my Mom told me I should and then my agency strongly advised against it. So I didn't. The second time was Monday. My agency called me and said that I wouldn't have an embassy date until October. It sucked, but my plane tickets were already changed so I went with it. Well, some families hadn't changed their tickets yet, so they called the embassy and sure enough, they get to leave tomorrow as planned. And I don't get to leave until 2 weeks from tomorrow.

When I found this information out yesterday, I could have tried to be proactive, but now I'm just totally unprepared to leave tomorrow. And not only that, I would burn a lot of bridges at work after I told them that now I wasn't leaving until October 8th.

I'm sad that I won't be experiencing this with all the families in the original travel group. But I'm mostly sad to think about all of Nur's buddies over there getting to go home to their forever families while Nur has to wait it out a little longer. I know, I know. . . Nur is oblivious to all of this. But it does make me wonder if I've already failed him as a mother.

Note to self. . . If I ever am unhappy with something regarding the adoption. . . just call the US Embassy. :)

Gratitude

You know when Hillary Clinton termed the phrase It Takes a Village? I know she was referring to raising a child, but the same phrase easily applies to adoption. It does take a village. People choose adoption for all different reasons, and the people that choose adoption rarely have all the funds necessary just sitting around to make it happen. Before beginning the adoption process, many people told me that adoption costs about the same as having a baby in the hospital. And that is true. However, when I had a baby in the hospital, my insurance covered 90% of the costs. With adoption, that isn't possible, so adoptive parents must get creative.

T and I have had so many people help us along the way. And we truly wouldn't be weeks from getting Nur home without the help of so many. I wasn't sure if I wanted to write all the thanks out, for fear that someone might get forgotten. And I apologize ahead of time if that happens, but I tried to capture my complete gratitude for everyone who has helped us along the way.

My parents. They helped us as they could financially and my Mom dropped everything to come with me to Ethiopia to meet Nur and bring him home. They also offered so much emotional support, and were only a phone call away when I needed and wanted to talk about the adoption process and my love for Nur.

My sister who threw T and I a beautiful shower, and was the biggest emotional support to me during this entire process. She was always willing to let me bounce things off of her, and she provided a beautiful letter of reference to our adoption agency.

All of the references T and I used for our adoption. M, K, S, S, S. The letters were beautiful and thoughtful, and showed me that you really trust that we'll be good parents. :)

My aunt J who made necklaces and sold them to help us raise money.

Everyone who donated items to our garage sale to help us fundraise to bring Nur home. So many people donated items, stopped by the sale, and provided emotional support.

My friend S. . . who was also in my Kindergarten class MANY years ago. (Just proves that old friends are the best) :) When she heard about the need to change my airfare, she emailed me immediately and donated the ENTIRE cost to change my ticket. Unbelievably thoughtful.

My aunt S who mailed T and I a check to help cover costs. Thank you so much for that. It meant the world to us, and helped us so very much.

All of my blog friends who followed this journey with me from the very beginning. The prayers said on my behalf, the money donated through paypal. Your constant positive thoughts and energy. For taking the time to click on my blog daily to get updated on the latest. Thank you all so much!

Friends, such as A, A, M, and so many others who sent beautiful gifts and cards. . . when I least expected it. Just letting me know you're thinking of me, sending clothes for Nur and TT, and just being a huge help.

My blog friend L who sent beautiful girl clothes for TT when I was pregnant. Wow! :)

My blog friend M who sent both Nur and TT the most adorable onesies.

My blog friend and real life friend M, who came into town for a Dr's appointment and ended up treating me to dinner. Also to M who made a beautiful handmade vase to auction off on my blog and raise money.

To everyone else who donated items, many handmade to raffle off on my blog. I couldn't have raised the money without you guys.

To J who offered to makeover my blog for free.

To those that bid on items on my blog. . . even if maybe you didn't want it. Thank you. :)

To my Mom's good hometown friend who made Nur and TT blankets.

To all the people that came to my showers and literally showered me with gifts. So thoughtful, and all of the stuff was so needed.

To all of my friends and relatives, as well as my parent's friends who constantly asked about me and Nur and kept my family in their thoughts.

To my aunt D, and my cousin A. D made TT a beautiful handmade blanket, and made both TT and Nur these beautiful plates with their names. Cousin A donated a bunch of beautiful boy clothes, as well as donated to the airplane cost. They also threw me a shower!

To my aunt H who also threw a shower and sent me the gift of money after Scarlett was born.

My aunt M, who sent me beautiful outfits for the kiddos as well as money.

To those that emailed me to tell me they were touched by my story.
To those that have adopted before me for always being available to answer my many many questions.
The list seriously goes on and on, and I tried to capture everyone, but I am sure I missed calling someone out by name. I just want you all to know that I am so grateful that you are on this journey with our family.
And TT thanks you too! She can't wait to get her big brother home! :)

Counting My Blessings

I will be leaving for Ethiopia on October 8th. I won't believe that 100% until I'm on the plane over the Atlantic. My adoption agency does tell me that it would be extremely rare for that to change again, so I am really banking on this working out, and my Mom and I being on a plane on that date.

I feel better just knowing. The weekend was brutally stressful, as was yesterday morning, and I think it was just the uncertainty of the situation. In 17 short days, I will be leaving for Ethiopia. I can handle that.

I feel so blessed to have what I have. I feel blessed to have T to go through this with. I feel blessed to get to come home from work everyday and see TT, and I feel blessed to have Nur. Even though I would love to be leaving for Ethiopia in 3 days, I don't want to waste the next 2 weeks being sad about it. I want to be present in all that I do, and not waste a minute of the goodness that has been bestowed on me. Waiting is difficult, but I don't want to live my life in so much anticipation for the next thing, that I forget to enjoy today.

And here are words I love by author Shauna Niequist:

"I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away... I love movies about "The Big Moment"- the game or the performance of the wedding day or the record deal, the stories that split time with that key event, and everything is reframed, before it and after it, because it has changed everything. I have always wanted this movie-worthy event, something that with change everything and grab me out of this waiting game into the whirlwind in front of me. I cry and cry at these movies, because I am still waiting for my own big moment. I had visions of life as an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced, but all I was doing was going to work and coming home, and that wasn't what it looked like in the movies. John Lennon once said, 'Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.' For me, life is what was happening while I was busy waiting for my big moment... Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you've been waiting for is happening all around you...You and your family and your friends and your house and your dinner table and your garage all have the makings of a life of epic proportions, a story for the ages..." *

A Final Answer. . . Perhaps?

I say perhaps because I have no idea what the final answer is. Today may have been the hardest day of waiting so far. That's hard to say, as I spent months waiting for a referral, and even more months waiting for a court date. But I would still say today has been the hardest day so far.

At about 11:30am, CST, I couldn't wait anymore, and decided to call my contact at my adoption agency. I hated to call and pester her, but I'm sitting here needing to know if I need to be changing my airline ticket. . . again. And, the business day was most likely over in Ethiopia, afterall, they are 8 hours ahead of us, meaning it was 7:30pm there when I broke down and called our agency.

According to my agency, the embassy isn't budging much. They have decided to hear two cases out of the entire group. (I'm not sure how many are in our group, but I would say about 8-10 families) My guess is that the two cases being held on the original date are the families who called the embassy directly and complained. I tried to get more information out of my agency, but all my contact would tell me is that the situation has gotten "ugly." She told me they have been working on this since 1am PST, and have pretty much gotten no where. I reminded her that there are some families that will need to be changing their airline tickets immediately if we find out we can fly out on Friday. She realizes this, but now says that there won't be a for sure answer until tomorrow now.

Does anyone else think this situation has gotten beyond ridiculous? Does anyone else feel like I'm not getting the entire story? It was insane to think about purchasing tickets 4 days before take off day, but now if I won't know for sure until tomorrow, I would be purchasing a ticket 3 days before take off date. Have I mentioned I work? I have a boss I need to be telling. As it stands now, I have a temp starting this Friday. I'm about to have the very uncomfortable conversation with my boss that I'm actually not leaving until October 8th.

I don't know what else to do. My agency continues to keep all of us in limbo, meaning I continue to keep my Mom in limbo. . . meaning she is keeping her work in limbo. And in the middle of all of this? A beautiful little boy named Nur. Although I take comfort in the fact that he is oblivious to all of this, my heart still aches to have him home.

So as it stands now, I'll be leaving in Ethiopia in 18 days. And although that doesn't sound like a long time to many. . . it feels like forever to me.

Update

Wow! All of this updating on weekends! So rare for me. But. . . there is a lot going on, so here I go.

I've been in constant thought this weekend. Waiting to hear from my adoption agency Monday morning. Playing out every scenario in my head. Wanting to bring Khalil home, but wondering if it would be best to just wait two additional weeks.

Here's the thing? Nur needs to come home. And to me. . . two weeks seems like forever.

I talked to my Mom this morning, and she is supportive no matter what I decide. She asked what I would do if it was TT in Ethiopia waiting to come home? No brainer! I would be on the first flight there.

So, that's my decision.

If our adoption agency tells me that the original date has been reinstated, I will be on the phone with Delta switching my ticket back. I already called them today and they confirmed that there are still tickets available. (Two of them are probably mine and my Mom's that we changed!) The Delta employee said that perhaps a supervisor would have compassion on my situation and waive the additional cost of changing my flights. . . AGAIN. Does anyone know anyone at Delta? I am pleading with you. . . if you do. . . please help me out.

Of course. . . all of this thought could be meaningless. The adoption agency could call me tomorrow and say that yes, in fact, October 14th will be the embassy date. Than all this going back and forth will be meaningless.

But. . . if my agency comes and says that I can leave Friday. . . I will do everything in my power to make that happen.

All of this embassy confusion has left us with quite a bit more in expenses than we anticipated, and I thank those who have contributed. I cannot even tell you how grateful T and I are for your help on this journey. If you have it in your hearts (and pocketbook, ha!) to give us $5.00 or $10.00 via the secure Paypal account we have displayed on the top left-hand side of this blog, we would be so grateful. We are on the homestretch, and just want to get our son home.

I wish I could properly convey how much it means to me to have people donate. I put it out there, but everytime someone does, it is so unexpected and so appreciated. I am for the most part, a total stranger to many who read this blog, yet you go out of your way to help me and my family out. I am FOREVER grateful.

Uncertainty

T and ScarSu are currently watching Premiere League Soccer together, and I'm doing laundry and picking up. I should be packing. That is not lost on me. I should be making countless runs to Tar.get to pick up odds and ends for my son.

I woke up a bit melancholy. I think it was because I had the most vivid dream of Khalil last night. I was in Ethiopia picking him up, and I was feeding him a bottle. The dream was so real I could smell him. I woke up, and there was no Khalil. Scarlett was in bed cuddling with me though. . . which was absolutely wonderful.

I'm not going to know what the embassy's decision is until Monday. And even then, I don't know if their decision will change anything for me.

If I hear Monday morning that the embassy said that now they will hear our case on September 30th, I would need to get on the phone immediately with the airline and book a flight that is leaving in 4 days. First, let's assume there even is a flight available. Booking it 4 days in advance will usually mean it will be very spendy. So, I would have to pay the difference in the cost of tickets, PLUS the change fee. . . again. I haven't had a chance to talk to my boss about any of this yet because she was out of the office last week. But my Mom originally told her boss the dates she would be out of the office. Then when this high drama occurred on Thursday, she then told her boss that the dates she would be out of the office are two weeks later. So, if we were able to get tickets to leave Friday. . . ONCE AGAIN. . . this would really affect my Mom. A lot. That is not lost on me.

I've talked to some other people in the travel group that have the same embassy date. T met them all when he attended court as it's the same group. I've been following their stories, and have been so excited to meet them. Well, this is going to split our group up. Some people never got around to changing their original tickets. Some people would pay any amount, no matter what to change their tickets back. That means if the embassy decides to actually hear our cases on September 30th. . . some in our group will attend that date, and some will keep the October 14th date. This also makes me sad. I was so excited to meet all of these people. Our children know each other.

I'm not good with decisions. I wish someone would make it for me. . . although I know they can't. I also know that it's possible the adoption agency comes back to me on Monday and says the embassy won't budge and our date is October 14th. Then none of this worrying was worth it. But right now. . . I'm trying to play with every scenario. If it was me going alone, I think I would change my ticket Monday no matter the cost. But my Mom is gracious enough to go with me. She and my Dad have helped me financially and emotionally through this entire process. This back and forth is really affecting her, and that isn't fair.

And then there is Khalil. I can't believe how much I'm longing for him. I've never met him. But he's my son, and I have this strong urge to just get him home. Now.

What should I do? I should be packing right now. This all seems cruel. Although I never forget how lucky I am. I WILL be with Khalil. . . and that is not lost on me. It never will be. I just want him home so badly that it hurts.

Is this my life?

It appears it is.

I just received a call from our adoption agency, and now the original embassy date of September 30th could be reinstated. We will know for sure Monday morning.

A little background on the situation. Yesterday when we heard from our agency, we heard it was all because of the US Embassy that this delay was happening. Well, I have no doubt about that. I have a relative who works for the embassy, so my initial reaction was to call him to see if he could do anything to help. I even asked our contact at the adoption agency, and she asked me politely not to mess with this. So instead of calling my uncle, my Mom and I called the airlines and changed our tickets.

Another Dove family got mad. Instead of calling the airlines to change their ticket, they called the US Embassy in Ethiopia, Senators, Governors, anyone who would listen to them. They pleaded their case.

The outcome?

Now the embassy is thinking about hearing all of our cases on September 30th. But we won't know for sure until Monday morning. Which would leave us 4 days to change our tickets back. Which would leave me all weekend not knowing if I should be packing or not.

Regardless of what I find out Monday morning, I already changed my tickets. Because of the wonderful generosity of some friends, I was able to have help paying the more than $300 per ticket to change the dates of the tickets for my Mom and myself. So whatever I find out, I'm not meeting Khalil for 3 more weeks instead of 1 more week.

Seriously, this is gutting me. The uncertainty of the situation is killing me. And what's really killing me is that now I find out that I could perhaps leave in 1 week as originally planned, but won't be, because my ticket says I'm leaving October 8th now. Regardless of what the embassy says Monday morning, my appointment is now October 14th.

I know this is all worth it. I know we'll all be together sooner than later. But this entire situation has drained me completely.

More Details

When I wrote the previous post I had just gotten off the phone with our adoption agency, and was on hold with Delta, so I didn't have much of a chance to give the details.

Basically, I was working from home today, when my adoption agency popped up on my caller ID. Now, they have a strict policy to only call when ABSOLUTELY necessary. Otherwise, they email. They have this policy so parents don't get all worried when they call, or if parents are still waiting for a referral, they don't get all excited for nothing.

The first thing our contact at the agency said to me is that Khalil is fine. Whew. That is obviously first and foremost. But then she told me our embassy date had been switched from September 30th to October 14th. (enter tears) Through the tears, I gathered that the reason for the date change is because the embassy employees can't get to the paperwork in time, and a lot of this reason is because they are physically moving buildings, so their office will be closed for a week. I also learned that the embassy date changing is VERY unusual. Our agency did everything in their power to not have the dates change, but the date was still going to change. Every family in our travel group is affected by this change.

So, I got off the phone and called my Mom immediately because this obviously affects her too. I was nervous to make that call. People who don't understand adoption as well as those of us actually adopting, expect things to be smoother. But I learned quickly with adoption that things change constantly. And the biggest lesson I've learned. I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF ANY OF THIS. So, my Mom couldn't believe it and we conference called our airline. I was way too emotional to do the talking, so my Mom did. They were going to charge us a huge amount to change our tickets, and I don't expect my Mom to pay any more money, so I plan on paying for her ticket change amount as well. My Mom "busted balls" and we got a supervisor on the phone, and we ended up being able to change our ticket for less than we were originally quoted. So, that was good news. Although still expensive. If there are any well off people reading my blog who would like to chip in a few dollars, feel free. :)

So, our tickets are changed, and I'm praying our embassy appointment stays October 14th and doesn't require another change. That would really suck, but there are no guarantees with any of this.

So, now that the plane tickets are taken care of, I need to talk to my HR department about the new dates I'll be gone, talk to the nanny, talk to the FMLA guys, and there are probably others I can't think of right now.

I know two weeks doesn't seem like much, but in the adoption world, it is a long time. I feel like I've been waiting for Khalil forever, so two weeks longer just breaks my heart. Here we are, ready for our son. Khalil is in an orphanage ready for his family. It's always about the paperwork. I do take comfort in knowing that Khalil is well taken care of though.

The hardest thing for me and leaving for 9 days is the anticipation of leaving Scarlett. I know once I get to Ethiopia, that although I'll miss her like crazy, that I'll be fine. But anticipating leaving has been killing me. And now I have 3 more weeks of anticipation. I.Just.Want.To.Go.Already.

My way of processing things is to first be emotional, and then to process things and try to find the deeper meaning. That is where I'm at right now. Trying to find reason for the delay. Maybe we needed more time to prepare? Maybe Scarlett needed to be the only child for a little longer? Maybe Khalil wasn't ready for such a massive change? Whatever the meaning is, I know there is one.

I've been worried that I wouldn't bond to Khalil immediately. That I wouldn't feel the same way about him that I do Scarlett. After getting the phone call from our agency about the delay, I realized just how deeply I love my son, and that there was never any reason to worry about how I would feel about him. I love him like crazy, and although I've never met him, my heart is longing to hold him.

Maybe that was the deeper meaning in all of this.

If you know me, you know I'm pretty proud. I rarely accept help, and I hardly never ask for it. But, I've received messages from a few people asking if they could donate money to our adoption costs, specifically the cost of changing our airline tickets. T and I talked, and decided to put a donate button on the top, left-hand side of my blog. If you would like to adopt to our adoption fund, we will gladly accept donations, and promise this is a safe and secure way to do it. You just click the donate button and go from there. And please do not feel obligated to give any money. You have all been more support to us than we could ever have dreamed of.

Bad News

Our Embassy Date just got pushed back two weeks. :(

Sitting here in tears. Trying to get hold of my Mom to let me know, trying to call the airlines, and feeling really really sad that I have to spend that much more time away from my baby boy.

More to come. . .

Khalil Update

Yesterday we received an update from our adoption agency on Khalil. It was so wonderful to get an update on him! I wasn't expecting it because I leave a week from tomorrow to go meet him and bring him home. It was such a great update though.

T and I had a good laugh! As soon as we received the update, T called me at work laughing. They LOVE putting Khalil in pink clothes, and yesterday was no exception. He was wearing pink overalls, with a black and red shirt on underneath. Seriously. . . it was too funny.

He is doing great though. He weighs almost 16 pounds, and is now starting to eat baby food instead of just formula. Yay!!! He's also starting to sit up with little help, which is definitely an improvement from when T was in Ethiopia to meet him.

Now I'm starting to think about what to pack for Khalil. I've decided to bring size 3 diapers, even though technically by Khalil's weight he is in size 2. But I figure better bigger and I can cinch them tighter if need be. I also need to bring bottles, clothes for Khalil, bibs, burb clothes. . . I'm also bringing a blanket that our wonderful family friend M made for Khalil. She also made one for Scarlett. It was so thoughtful, and I'm so excited to bring Khalil a little bit of love and comfort from my hometown. :) I'm also bringing some entertainment stuff for him for the plane. A rattle, a couple toys and books.

I hope I'm bringing enough for him. Any other suggestions? And do I need to bring baby food with me or buy that there? I'm planning on buying the formula there. So much to think about!

Choosing Names

Picking names for your children is such a fun thing to do! I've had so many people ask me about how we came up with our children's names, so I thought I would dedicate a post to just that!


KHALIL

T and I knew we wanted an Arabic name for our boy to honor T's heritage. The front runner early on was Amir. We both loved the name, which means prince, however, I didn't like the name with our last name. It just didn't flow. . . at all. So, we went back to the drawing boards, which is when I came across the name Khalil, and I knew instantly that THAT WAS HIS NAME. I loved the name so much because I love the poet Khalil Gibran, whose most famous writing, The Prophet, was read at our wedding, as well as my parent's wedding. Sometimes it is spelled Kahlil, but the proper Arabic spelling is Khalil. So, we went with it.

I usually say his name like KA-LEEL. Although, the proper Arabic pronounciation is Khalil. . . and think really throaty sound on the Kh. But, it's all good, and I love the name, and I love that it has so much meaning for us. :) Seriously, his name was easy to choose!

SCARLETT

Scarlett's name = not so easy! The night before my 20 week ultrasound where we were hoping to find out the gender, T and I were sitting in our office, and we said, if it's a girl, let's name her Zahra Susan! Zahra is T's Mom's name, and Susan is my Mom's name. The next day, we found out in fact that it WAS a girl, so Zahra Susan it was! We started affectionately calling her Zasu. Now, Zahra is a beautiful name, but not an easy one to say for English speakers. I've been around Arabic so much, that I know how they accent words differently. And because T and I were keeping the name a secret, I didn't have anyone to bounce the name off of. Well, around 8 months pregnant, I decided I better bounce the name off someone, because I was realizing how misprounced the name would be. I spelled the name for my friend, and asked how she would pronounce it, and she said Zara. A couple other friends agreed, Zahra = Zara. Well, the real pronounciation is actually ZaHHH - ra. (HEAVY accent on the H) T and I realized that her name would always be mispronounced, and we just weren't okay with that. So, back to the drawing board we went. We were about a month from having her, and had no idea what to name her. Then the name Scarlett came to me. I loved the name. It has no significance in my life. Just a name I love, and one that isn't real common. (I didn't want a too common of a name) T loved the name also. The only problem was. . . my sister just had a baby in November and well, let's just say that Scarlett rhymes with her baby's name, and I thought that may be a bit weird. So, I talked to my sister and asked her opinion, and she didn't mind at all. She said that they are cousins, and not sisters, so it's not so weird. Granted, many people call Scarlett by my sister's baby's name, and visa versa, but whatever.

And the runner up to Scarlett was Elise, after Beethoven's Fur Elise. What do you think? Does she look like a Scarlett, a Zahra, or an Elise?

We are ALMOST There

I remember my first post on this blog, click here. It was July 31st, 2009, and I announced T and I's plan to adopt. We had already been in the process for over a month, but we wanted to finish some of the initial paperwork before announcing our plans to the world. I remember being SO happy to write that post. I wanted to share the joy and hope that adoption had brought into our lives.

It's hard to believe that I wrote that just over a year ago, and here I am today, just a little over a week until I fly to Ethiopia to meet our son.

When we first started the process, all the steps involved in adoption were daunting. We had so much paperwork to fill out, so many classes to attend, so many visits with a social worker, and so much money to come up with. There were days early on when I wondered if we would ever have our child.

T was always full of hope and trust though. He would often tell me that he knew we were going to be parents. I wasn't so sure. On a trip to England, he even picked our child (who didn't exist at the time) a onesie displaying T's favorite futbol team's name. A onesie that I will be bringing to Ethiopia next week. When I was full of doubt, T was full of hope.

I remember often wishing that I could see a glimpse into my future. What would it look like? Would this adoption work out? What would my son look like? What would his story be? I so much wanted to just fast forward to when everything about the adoption was a little more certain.

It's amazing to me how much life can change in such a short amount of time. I never would have guessed where my life would be at this moment. I couldn't have guessed it in a million years. I couldn't have guessed that this blog that I created to document our journey through adoption would become a pregnancy, motherhood, life, and adoption blog. I never could have guessed that there would be a Scarlett AND a Khalil.

I also couldn't have guessed how many people have chosen to follow our journey. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like people truly want this all to work out. It makes me feel like there are so many people out there who don't even know Khalil, yet want wonderful things for his life. Something I've learned is that there are never too many people who can love your children. And I feel like people love and support my children so much. It makes me happy and proud.

So here I am. . . in the homestretch. A part of me feels like this journey is coming to an end. . . but I know it's really just beginning.

A Little Bit of EVERYTHING

Mind = Spinning.

Be warned. . . this post may be everywhere.

• T and I had a social worker visit yesterday. It feels so weird to have this visit considering we are almost done with the adoption. But, apparently MN requires that homestudies be updated every year, and ours was due to be updated. So, we had the social worker come to our house yesterday. I think I've mentioned this before, but T and I have two adoption agencies we work with. One is local, and one is out in Oregon, and the Oregon one is the one who does the referral and everything dealing with Ethiopia, and the local one does all the homestudy stuff. Well, not real impressed with the local agency I must say. Anyway, this social worker mentioned that if T and I both attended the embassy hearing, that Khalil would come to the US on an American passport, and that the adoption would be finalized in Ethiopia. The way T and I are doing it, Khalil will come over on a visa that will require us to finalize the adoption in the US, which can take time, and well, T and I were kind of hoping to finalize this in 2010 for many reasons. . . one of them being that we could desparately use that adoption credit. This information put us in such an uproar that T almost thought about calling my Mom to say he would go to Ethiopia with me and change her ticket to his name, and that Scarlett would stay with my parents for the week. We were all about to call my Mom when I decided I should really call my contact at the Oregon agency instead. She informed me that the social worker was incorrect, and for Khalil to have his adoption finalized in Ethiopia I would have had to attended court. Well, that didn't happen, so I'm glad we didn't stir things up. The reality is, is that we'll just have to do all the finalization in the US. It is what it is. While talking to the social worker, T said to both of us, "It makes sense for me to go to Ethiopia as well, but it would just kill me to leave Scarlett." Talk about a knife piercing my heart. Oh, how T means well, but NOT what I wanted to hear. And why? Because my heart is literally breaking at the thought of leaving.

• Scarlett had her 2 month doctor's appointment yesterday. She weighed 11 pounds, 2 ounces, which put her in the 56% for weight. Her height was 22.5 inches, which put her in the 65%. She had 3 shots. It was devastating. (I'm dramatic, I know) Scarlett was in a great mood at the doctor's office, talking and smiling, and then the first needle went in. She went silent, and then just screamed and cried. Then I started tearing up. The nurse was quick and then I was able to hold Scarlett and soothe her. But it was awful and I never want to see a child in that much pain again. (Yet I will in 2 months when she gets her 4 month shots! Ugh!) I realize I need a thicker skin to be a mama. In the car on the way home, I sat in the backseat with Scarlett. Her eyes were closed and she was sucking away on her pacifier, and my mind started wandering. I started thinking of all those babies who are physically abused in this world. It made me sick to my stomach. Scarlett had shots. Some babies are abused and tortured. Then I started thinking about Khalil. Was he ever physically hurt? How many times has he cried and no one ran to pick him up? How many times has he felt alone? Then I started crying all over again and wishing that Khalil had never endured any pain, either physically or emotionally in his life.

• I wake up much earlier than I need to in the mornings and just pray and meditate, and listen to Scarlett stir as she gets ready to wake. I'm finding solace in the alone time (the only alone time I get these days) but I also find the time filled with sadness. I listen to Scarlett grunt, as she readies to meet the day. I watch her legs get kicked up in the air, and her arms stretch above her head. I anxiously wait for her to open her eyes so I can run over to her bassinett, put my head over her face, and excitedly say, "Hi Scarlett." Everytime I do that, she gives me her million dollar smile, and her face exudes so much joy. Than I get sad. What will she think for the 9 days I don't meet her pretty little face in the morning? Will she feel deserted? Sad? Or oblivous? (I'm hoping oblivious) That's when I get sad. And perhaps a bit scared. I don't know what our life will look like with two babies. I have so much anxiety about it. Will both babies get the attention they need? Will Scarlett feel jealous that all of a sudden she isn't the center of our world? Will she even notice? Will she immediately take to me when I return from the trip? So much anxiety, you are all probably so sick of hearing about. Last night I talked to T about all of this, and he said something that is so true. He told me that I always find something to worry about, and in the end, everything always works out, and this will too. Khalil and Scarlett will love each other, they will know that he and I are their parents, and everything will be fine. I needed to hear that.

• I leave 2 weeks FROM TODAY. 2 weeks people. I can't believe it. This trip just needs to happen already. . . for so many reasons. One, is the anticipation of this is miserable. I'm beating myself up so badly. I have a hard time even enjoying my time with Scarlett, because my mind keeps fast forwarding to two weeks where I will say goodbye for a few days. I'm guilt ridden. I'm sad. I feel torn. And yet at the same time. . . I am excited. I GET TO MEET MY SON!!! I get to go on a vacation. (I mean, it is a vacation, right?) I get to visit Ethiopia, a place I've always wanted to see. I get to visit the wonderful orphanage where Khalil has been living. I get to spend a week with my Mom, who I know will love the experience. I GET TO BRING MY SON HOME. How can anyone be so excited and so sad all at once? That is me right now.

The only thing getting me through these days right now is looking to the future. I make my mind go to around Halloween. I picture, T, Khalil, Scarlett and I all celebrating. T and I will get them cute costumes (that they won't care about at all) We'll be the family of 4 I've dreamed about for SO LONG. I won't have any anxiety over upcoming trips because I'll be home. Khalil and I will both be home. Scarlett will be the happy little baby she is, and won't feel neglected at all by the fact that there is another child in the mix. She'll be happy because she feels the energy from T and I. . . and we'll be happy. Khalil will be adjusting beautifully. It will be difficult, but he will be loved so darn much that it will feel suffocating. (in a good way of course) I'll feel so happy that I saw my son's homeland. . . a decision I will never regret. I'll realize that Scarlett wasn't affected at all by my being gone. In fact, she doesn't even remember it.
That vision I'm having makes me happy. It is definitely the life According to Leah vision that I have.

Has It Been 2 Months Already?

This afternoon we take Scarlett to her 2 month appointment. Hard to believe it's been 2 months!

Scarlett is just so much joy. Seriously. I appreciate every moment with her.

She is starting to have such a fun personality. And her nanny is wonderful. She updates me throughout the day with pictures of Scarlett. Means so much to me, and I love that Scarlett is happy in her care.

Here are the latest pictures. :)

What a Difference a Day Makes

I survived my first day back and work, and today was a little bit easier to say goodbye to Scarlett in the morning. I'd still rather be with her, but I now have the confidence that I can do this, and that it will all work out.

I feel like I learned so much in the past 24 hours.

1. Going to my day job is so much easier than staying home. I'd rather stay home still, but it is so difficult and stay at home parents do not get enough credit. It's work! I actually feel like when I go to my job, it's a break. And for the first time in a while, I was able to eat lunch with BOTH hands. Wow!

2. Now that I'm away from Scarlett for 9 hours every day, when I am with her, I want the time to count. I don't have the quantity I desire, so I must focus on the quality. When I got home from work yesterday, I grabbed Scarlett immediately and didn't put her down for the next 3 hours. I put her in a baby bjorn and carried her everywhere I went in the house. I just held her, and cuddled her, and talked to her, and reassured her. . . for hours. When I was home with Scarlett all day, I didn't feel so bad that I would just hold her while I watched a show. But now that I'm away from her all day, I want to make the most of the time we have together.

3. Babies Scarlett's age, well, at least Scarlett, are just happy to be well taken care of. If they are getting fed, changed, held, and played with, they are generally happy. I know all babies are different, so I'm only speaking for mine, but I don't feel like she was sad to see me go, or that happy to see me return. She knows I'm her Mom, but she hasn't developed real preference yet. Leaving her with a nanny will be much harder when she's older and vocal and yells, "DON'T GO MOMMY!" Right now though, she just seems content with whoever is with her.

4. It feels good to be able to wear makeup and heels again. I guess I could have done these things on my leave, but I never saw the point, and let me tell you, most days, I was fortunate enough to find time to shower. I like that I look good. It makes me feel good. (And looking good is relative. I look good compared to my days at home. . . ) :)

5. Being a Mom is the hardest thing I will ever do. EVER. I remember a few years ago seeing a poster that said having children is like having your heart outside your body. I now know what that means. Being a Mom is the hardest thing I will ever love.

Does It Ever Get Easier

Today is day 1 back at work. And unfortunately, I had a rough night. I woke up at about 1:30am with a terrible migraine headache. I don't get migraines very often. . . I actually never get them, but one decided to pay me a visit last night. Anyone who has ever had a migraine knows that there is absolutely no sleeping through one. The pain is intense. It's awful. I laid awake in bed and listened to Scarlett sleep. Then at 4am she woke up and her wonderful Baba fed her as I was not able. Then before I knew it, it was time to get in the shower and get ready for the work day. And well. . . here I am.

The goodbye was sad. . . for me of course. I take comfort in the fact that Scarlett has no idea what's going on. Scarlett gave me her big, beautiful smiles, and talked to me. (She is "talking" so much these days) I held her and cried, and then I left, thinking, this is just really not fair.

T waited at home until the nanny got there, and when he handed Scarlett to the nanny, she cried a bit. Breaks my heart. I don't know if I could be a stay at home Mom, but I do know that I wasn't ready yet to leave Scarlett. I've loved every moment with her.

Scarlett Letters

Dear Scarlett,

Today probably seems like just another day to you. You'll get to spend the day with Mama, eating "yum yums," going for a walk, swinging, and watching Mama clean, but for me, I woke up sad. I have two days left of maternity leave. 2 days. And then I'm back to work.

I have such mixed emotions about it. I take so much comfort in the fact that you are going to be well taken care of. Your Baba and I did our due diligence in finding care for you, and I know you are going to love your care. But I'm going to miss you, and I struggle with the fact that the best place for you is with me. But, I must work for the money.

I'm convinced that being a Mom is just one big guilt trip.

It's also September. This is going to be a monumental month in all of our lives. In 22 short days, I will be going to the other side of the world to pick up your brother. When I leave, it will be the last time you will be my only child living in our home. When I come back with Khalil, all of our lievs will be forever changed.

A part of me just wishes I could leave tomorrow. I don't want to spend the next 22 days feeling guilty about leaving you. What kind of Mother leaves her child for 9 days when she is only 2 months old? I struggle with that DAILY. But in my short time as a Mama, I've learned that being a parent is about making difficult choices, and the choices are always about what is best for the children. I wouldn't leave you if I didn't trust that you'd have the best care in the world while I was gone. And I wouldn't leave if I didn't think that Khalil needed his Mama more than ever. He needs me. You need me. And you are both two of the most important people in my life, and I will always think of you two in every decicision I make. That I promise you. While I'm gone, you will have Baba, Nana and Gidu, and Aunty taking care of you. But your brother. . . He has no one right now, and he deserves all the comfort and love in the world. And your Grandma and I are going to give him that. Soon. Very soon.

I know you will be confused when I'm gone, but I promise you in the grand scheme of things, I will only be gone for a blink of an eye. And when I return, I will bring your older brother. I have no doubt at all that you two will love each other for the rest of your lives, and that you'll never remember life without him. I have no doubt that he will enrich your life greatly, just as you will enrich his.

And I promise you that when I return, I will still be your Mama. . . forever and ever. That will never change.

I love you Lil Miss Scarlett. And although life will sometimes take me away from you, I am always here for you. Always and forever.