Right now, my life involves trying to find balance in everything I do, and being present wherever I am. I'm struggling with this right now.
I go to work, and I try to be a good and productive employee. I try to be present in what I'm doing.
I get done with work and literally rush home to be with TT. I try to be present when I'm with her. I play with her, sing to her, hold her and talk to her.
And then T gets home, and I try to be present with him. I try to take a couple minutes to ask him how his day went. And then I try to take a couple more minutes to actually listen to his response.
And then there is being present with myself. I haven't even attempted that one yet, and haven't managed to take time for myself yet.
While trying to be everything to everybody, I also try to keep the house in order by keeping up with laundry, the dusting, the vacumming. And yes, I know I'm failing at that too.
Most of the time, I feel like I am failing people in my life miserably. I feel like something has to give, but there is nothing that is going to give. Instead, we are adding to all of the chaos. I wouldn't have it any other way, but I also don't want to sugercoat how difficult this all is.
I just hope the people in my life hang with me as I continue down this path at only 50% capacity.
11 comments:
I'm sorry to tell you but I think this just comes along with motherhood. I feel exactly the same way. I go to work and plow through everything the best I can (while still making calls to set up dentist appointments and filling out registration forms for choir), then I race home and try to make dinner while asking Munchie about her day and trying to engage in some sort of conversation. Then we rush through her bedtime routine and I try to take the time to really be present and attentive to her. Once she's in bed, I clean up the dinner mess and get things prepped for the next day. Then Hubs gets home from work and I try to be pleasant and attentive to him. And then I fall into bed.
But I know one day I will miss this craziness. I try to remember that.
I read your blog this morning, and almost cried with relief that someone else feels the same way. Feeling like I suck at being a mom to 2 internationally adopted girls, partner, employee. Feels like the house is never enough, and I should be making cookies and flip movies when sometimes remembering to brush my teeth is difficult. It was like this after the first child, and yes, we added a second. Wouldn't have it any other way, but omg, it is hard.
You are not alone. I don't know a new Mom who can function above that capacity! Plus part of your heart is in Ethiopia. I know it will be hard when K gets home but in some ways you'll be able to be present a little easier. You'll have your family all in one place for at least a few hours each night and you can concentrate on being a family!
I don't think you're failing miserably at all! Trying to be present for Scarlett, T, at work, etc is, I think, I great attitude. It is hard to juggle everything, and it's unrealistic to expect to get as much done as before you had Scarlett. It's okay if the house is a little dusty or if work doesn't get your 100% focus right now. Hang in there. Heather
Hun, I know this is going to sound crazy, but... quit trying so hard. Just let things happen in their own time. There will be days Scarlett will need you more and days that T will need you more. And no matter what, you must take time for yourself. A walk, a long bath... whatever. It will make you all the more prepared mentally and physically for everything else.
Oh, and whoever said "the dust can wait" was spot on. Hang in there, it will get easier!
Becoming a Mom really changed things for you. It's good but can be hard. When it comes to the house cleaning. Who cares if it's not perfect. Also, though your husband should be helping with that too. Well, it's wishful thinking. Don't forget to make room for me time. Even if that's just a few minutes here and there. The sooner you express your needs to your husband the easier it will fall into your normal role of life.
It seems like I hear these same things from most mommies, so I think you're pretty much just normal :-) But I know that doesn't make it seem any better or feel any better :\
Things WILL get better - just remember that! The first year with a new child is very hard but once they are walking, off bottles and diapers and more independent you will find more time to do the things that need to get done (either that or by that time you are just used to things being that way they are!) I think we as moms all need to lower our standards a bit and get those husbands helping more!! But just remember that the most important thing is that everyone is happy and healthy. You wont die wishing you had dusted or vacuumed more!!!
I feel the same way and I don't have a job outside the home, worry about getting my son home, etc etc. You're doing a GREAT job!
What is it they tell you on airplanes if the oxygen masks drop? “First, place oxygen mask over your face, and only then over your child’s.” They tell you this because you only have about 30 seconds before you pass out... and if you aren't conscious, you are no good to anyone - let alone your child.
I say this because you HAVE to find a way to put yourself first or you WILL burn out. It's definitely a balancing act and sometimes you will feel guilty about it, but it honestly should be your #1 priority.
Suggestions:
At work: Use lunchtime as a relaxing time. Bring a book to read - even if it means you only get through a few pages, that's a few pages of being able to turn your brain off and relax.
Allow yourself to take a five minute break every once in awhile. Smokers get to do it... I think non-smokers should, too. Get up, step outside and stretch your legs, etc.
At home: Make it a point that when T gets home, he is to take Scarlett for some Daddy/Daughter time while Mommy has some Mommy time. This should be for a minimum of 15 minutes but 30 minutes is preferable. Mommy is NOT to use this time to do laundry, dishes, dinner or any type of cleaning.
(Daddy/Daughter time is even better if it includes something that can be crossed off Mommy's to do list, too, like giving Scarlett a bath, trimming her nails, feeding her, etc.)
I try to plan my days so that while I am eating breakfast, I can check my e-mails/blogs - if I want to. And, while my son is napping, I try to not always use that time to catch up on chores. If I feel like chilling in front of the tv or scrapbooking or reading or anything that *I* want to do, I let myself do it for about 30 minutes - GUILT FREE. (that's key.)
I also always try to make sure that I give myself time to read for 10-15 minutes before bed. You'd be surprised how many books you can get through just doing that alone. But it keeps me from obsessing over things I didn't get done that day or need to do tomorrow. It also helps turn my brain off and get sleepy.
good luck!
You deserve time to yourself too, and if you don't take care of you, there won't be any you to take care of them! Look at your budget, if you can, hire a cleaning lady--our pastor said if we can fit it in, that's one of the easiest and best fixes to helping out a household (and i have no babies yet)! Sending you so much love as you continue to navigate and balance! You can do this and do it beautifully!!!
Post a Comment