I've mentioned before on this blog that I've always wanted to adopt. And I have. But I've also been honest about the fact that when T and I started the adoption process, it was really as a way to have children. At the time, I didn't think having a biological child was in the cards for me. Adopting from Ethiopia was how T and I were going to start our family. T and I attended a lot of adoption classes, and read a lot of books. I was going to become an expert on adoption, and the bonding process, and the issues with adoption.
Then we received the surprise I call TT.
It was a wonderful surprise, and it didn't stop our want to continue with our adoption. It would have been so easy to just put the adoption on hold, but T and I felt like we had already come so far with it, and I knew deep down that if we put the adoption on hold, that we'd probably never get around to actually going through with it. And I felt like I would have regretted that the rest of my life.
So we moved forward with the adoption. The pregnancy continued to move forward. And for the most part, I chose to live in this little fairytale of being someone who was blessed enough to have the opportunity to birth a child and to adopt a child. How lucky was I? And I am lucky. So very lucky.
But now realism is also hitting me. I've been a mom for 3 months now. And it's hard. I knew it would be, but it's so much harder than I could have ever prepared for. And now I'm just a little over a week from getting on a plane and heading to the other side of the world. And when I come home, I'll have Nur with me.
The reality is that I'm really scared. Terrified actually. I'm starting to have daily breakdowns. A part of me feels so guilty. The other families who will be traveling with me seem nothing but excited. But having TT has changed so much of this adoption for me. This adoption started as a way to have a child. Now this adoption is a way to add to my family. And for some reason, when I found out about TT, I stopped spending all the time to study adoption and take classes. I don't know why I stopped. . . I just did.
And want me to be really honest? And please, no one throw stones my way. A part of me feels like I'm betraying TT. A part of me feels like this isn't fair to her that her mama is about to go on the other side of the world and bring home her big brother. A part of me feels like I'm not going to have any time to devote to TT because Nur is really going to need me. He's going to be so scared. He doesn't know me, and I'm going to be taking him on the other side of the world. I'm going to take him away from everything he knows. EVERYTHING. He's going to need doctor's appointments, he's going to need a ton of one on one interaction. He's going to need me so much. He's going to need an abundance of love so he can trust me. But that doesn't change the fact that TT needs me. How am I going to give both of these children everything they need and want without feeling like I'm betraying one of them?
I am so excited. I don't want anyone to think otherwise. I'm just so scared. I truly don't know how I'm going to do this, and keep my sanity. I still trust that everything happens for a reason, but for the first time, I'm starting to doubt the timing of all of this.
16 comments:
The feelings that you are experiencing are absolutely normal and are heightened by the fact that your daughter is only 3 months old. Towards the end of my pregnancy with my second child I started feeling scared, worried and guilty about the fact that I would not have enough time, love, etc. for my older child (who was 19 months old). So many women I know have shared that they felt the same way, too. Of course once you have both children in your home you won't be able to imagine your life without either of them. You'll find that you don't have to divide your love between your two children because your love will multiply with each new blessing. It's going to be hard, but worth it! The two I was worried about? They are now 5 1/2 and 7 and the best of friends! We now have three biological children and are beginning to process to adopt number 4 and I wouldn't want it any other way!
I have three, (almost four) children. After my first was born and my second was on the way, I began to worry to so much about how I would divide my time and would be enough - was it too soon, etc. When I held my second I knew it was going to be okay. :-) There was stress and adjustment but I'm so thankful. Then we adopted and I had all of those same worries only this time I recognized them and found comfort in that. But there were also knew concerns because adopting can bring so many other needs and issues into the mix. It was really hard in the very begining - another big adjustment, not enough arms or time in the day, but after a while we righted ourselves and are so thankful. We are now waiting on our fourth, (adopting again and our child is at Toukoul right now too). I am expecting it to be harder but I am ready for it because I know there will be less time and more adjusting and more unknowns, but I will try to be more forgiving of myself this time too. :-) I know it's hard, but I know it will be okay.
I would be scared too! It's okay to be... It WILL work. It will be hard, yes... But it will be wonderful too! Both of your children are going to be so loved!
I'm sorry you're feeling so scared, but I think it's totally normal for your situation. For everything you said, I thought to myself, Yeah, I bet I'd be feeling that way, too, if I were in her shoes!
I think some of the things you mentioned are some of the the reasons behind some agencies not allowing concurrent adoptions with pregnancies. You were able to make the choice to continue and I know you won't regret any of it. You will make it through, and so will Scarlett and Khalil! Hang in there.
I think everything you are feeling is really understandable. I wish I had something terribly wise to say, but I don't. I'm sure that there will be some very hard moments in the next several weeks and months ahead, but I would bet there will be some incredibly awe-inspiring moments, too. Both of your children are incredibly lucky to have such a sensitive and thoughtful mom. It sounds like you have a good support system, so I hope you can let them care for you and help you regain your energy when you'll be giving out so much to your little ones. I know Khalil's coming home is going to split your sole focus on Scarlett and thinking about that is incredibly hard right now, but in the more long-term picture, you and your husband are creating a beautiful family that is going to nurture and support both Scarlett and Khalil their whole lives through. What I've said here feels so inadequate, but please know I am sending supportive thoughts your way...
Hi Leah,
Thank you for writing with honesty. If you weren't feeling scared out of your mind right now, I'd think that you either weren't coming clean OR that you were really HEAVILY medicated.
The fact that you are bringing home two babies within three months is downright scary. Life how you knew it has already changed tremendously. And now, the rug is coming out from under you again. You are taking this seriously, as any good mom would, and you are scared. Other moms have done it before you, and they struggled, and then there was that rainbow that you have to hold on to.
My mom became "mom" to my two cousins and baby step-sister (who were all under age 4) and already had me and my brother (ages 10 and 13) at home. This was not planned, it happened overnight. It was a crazy whirlwind for my mom. She worked full time and so did my step-dad. CRAZINESS. But, as far as we kids were concerned, the more the merrier! My brother and I were so excited! Those younger children became my sisters in an instant and I don't feel any differently about them than I do my bio brother. In fact, I was just in my youngest sister's wedding this past spring and she is one of my best friends. I am so lucky to have each of them in my life. (For all intents and purposes, my sisters (cousins) were adopted by us from foster care).
Did you hear how I worded that? "Adopted by us." Not by my mom and step-dad. We are all each others' and that's just the way it is. You are going to be okay. Trust, that after a while, the clouds will clear and you won't be able to even believe that there wasn't a time when you didn't all belong to each other.
You are going to do great!
You are completely normal feeling the way you do. But when you get home and things begin to finally settle down, you will find your new normal. It's going to be HARD but women can do hard really well. After a while, your 2 kiddos are going to be entertaining each other. I believe that God always has a plan, and this is yours. You can do it, but you are going to have to try to enjoy it. That is a hard thing to do and I wish I would have listened to those words myself. My bio boys were 2 years apart and there were days when I didn't even know my name, but we survived. And on those days that you don't think you will, take a quick time out and remind yourself that are most blessed and these kids are going to be great.
Now when they become toddlers, and are mobile and in to everything, LORD help you girl:)
One of the things I really enjoy about your blog, Leah, is that you always write from your heart and with such openness. I wish I had something really eloquent to say, but I just know that while this will be an indescribable challenge, you and T will meet it head on with grace and full hearts. You can do this, and do it well. I love Lacie's thoughts on this, and how there will come a time when you can't think of a time when the four of you didn't belong to each other. Big hugs...
Hey Girly! I have been so busy lately and just happened to look at the calendar and was like OMG I have to write Leah and tell her good luck! All the feeilngs are absolutely normal!! Don't get down on yourself! You are an amazing momma and basically you are going from a family of 2 to a family of 4 in less then 3 months! Thats a HUGE adjustment!!! Keep your head up! Safe travels!
I'm sure any of us would be freaked out! It sounds like you have a wonderful support system of family and friends, and we're here cheering you on too. Thinking of you!
{{{HUGS}}} I wish I had magic words and ample experience to contribute more to this comment but I wanted to comment anyway. The first thing that popped into my head when I read your post is that I don't think you'll need as much one-on-one time with Khalil as you are thinking. I could be way off here too but I suspect that having Scarlett around will make him more comfortable and faster than if she wasn't. He'll be observing how trusting Scarlett is of you and how you meet her needs and that will reinforce to him that you'll be there for him too. Plus, having another tiny tot around will probably make him feel less "alone" than if he were the only tiny tot. The little ones of the world relate to each other on such honest, open and instinctive levels and even though Scarlett is only a few months old, I think her presence will be both a delight and a great comfort to him. Best of luck to all of you even though I don't think you'll need it. :-)
Totally normal!!! I am due in 4 months with a boy, THREE years after having our daughter and I STILL feel guilty towards her about it!! Having one child is very scary. Having two or more is terrifying. But you can and will do it - you will just have to find your "new normal". I have met some lovely ladies with twins, triplets or quads and although is seems impossible somehow they manage to get through it. Khalil and Scarlett will love and adore each other and grow up as close as twins. Warren Buffett said it best a month or so ago when he he said that the best thing you can ever give your children is unconditional love and it is obvious both your children will have plenty of that!! :) It will be wonderful!
Leah - I can totally imagine how you are feeling. And while I'm sure it is totally normal, I'm also sure it's SUPER hard to get through right now. And I think sometimes right now is just going to be difficult and stinky, but in 5 years, you are going to be so glad for all of the hard work you and T have done to bring your family together. My DH and I are pregnant with twins and I just know that the next four years of potty training, sleep training, feeding, etc are going to be ridiculous. But sooo worth it. You are in my prayers!
~emily
My response to Daniel, interesting points you bring up. Let us take them one by one. You are correct on the meaning and origin of Khalil. You are incorrect about the agency used, it is not a Christian organization. Your assumptions then of whom the parents are have brought you to some ill thought conclusions. Have you considered the boy is Christian? If so, does this mean he has no right to be named a wonderful name like Khalil, because it is Arab? Also, if none are their mothers save those who gave them birth, are orphan’s then to lead a motherless life for sake of antiquated dogma? I personally think as an adult you should be ashamed of yourself for saying something like this to a mother. I believe you have some poor memories regarding your own story. I appreciate your candidness and believe the matter of identity to a child is of most importance. As for the questions, the holes, the missing aspects that most plague adult adoptees. There is now better way to resolve these issue than to bring them out and discuss them with a child early in their lives. You say what the child needs is his biological mother from the sura you quoted, and what if she does not exist? Then you say to his extended family, and what if they do not exist? Then to his community. Have you seen the squalor in which countless children grow up in Ethiopia? You want him to shine shoes rather than him to be with two loving parents? He will live with several cultures inside him. As long as he is cognizant of his original culture and what that means to him, his path will be what he chooses. “His place” is where he chooses to be, you have chosen yours.
As for the economic and political wars brought on by the west, if you believe that individuals in any form of government in history have a say in what happens politically I suggest you read Nicolo Machiavelli’s “The Prince”.
I’m amazed you speak of adoption as injustice. The injustice here is your misguided understanding of Allah, it is his will that has given this young boy a new lease on life by his new parents. If it was not, how can you explain how he has come to his new parents? If you knew the story of Khalil, you would know that he almost certainly would have died if someone hadn’t gotten themselves involved..that person was not a family member. I feel confident saying, Allah, suphana wa talaha would have preferred the boy be saved to live far away that perish like the dogs on the street.
As for the economic and political wars brought on by the west, if you believe that individuals in any form of government in history have a say in what happens politically I suggest you read Nicolo Machiavelli’s “The Prince”.
I’m amazed you speak of adoption as injustice. The injustice here is your misguided understanding of Allah, it is his will that has given this young boy a new lease on life by his new parents. If it was not, how can you explain how he has come to his new parents? If you knew the story of Khalil, you would know that he almost certainly would have died if someone hadn’t gotten themselves involved..that person was not a family member. I feel confident saying, Allah, suphana wa talaha would have preferred the boy be saved to live far away that perish like the dogs on the street.
It truely does take a village to raise a child. So I hope you can go and enjoy this process with your new son knowing your daughter is being cared for by her village. Children need as much love and caring interaction from those around them as they do from their own parents. If you can keep close your friends, family, and neighbors your children will feel secure. I am very fortunate to raise my two boys with the help of my husband, family, friends, and neighbors.I hate leaving my kids for a weekend to go up north...I can't imagine how you are doing it all. However, when I can count on those I trust most with my little ones I feel better. I know they are getting something from thier village I can not give. Hoepfully, you can think of this when you leave your baby girl...know she is benefiting from this experience as well. Good luck and enjoy the "the ride."
Andrea
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