The Truth About Postpartum

I remember going to my 37 week appointment, and my midwife told me that I would be at high risk for postpartum depression due to the fact that I was about to experience a lot of change by giving birth and by adopting. I shrugged her off, and thought that it couldn't be true. There was no way I was going to have postpartum depression. Afterall, I had decided a LONG time ago that I wanted to be a mom, and I had been in the process of trying to have a baby for over 2 years. I thought that would make me appreciate motherhood even more. The fact that I had wanted it for so long, tried for so long. Motherhood would be that much more special for me.

Instead, I think the trying so long made having a baby too idealistic for me. I thought the entire experience would be beautiful and perfect. I thought because I was so prepared, that it would be easy.

Then I gave birth.

TT and I immediately made eye contact as soon as she was born. I remember thinking she was beautiful, and besides a little heart rhythm scare, she seemed really healthy. I breathed a sigh of relief. I was laying there in my hospital bed thinking, "This is it. This was the moment I had been dreaming about forever." Yet, it seemed so anticlimactic. I was expecting TT to be born, and me to hold her and cry tears of happiness for a dream realized. Instead I felt numb. My body hurt. Really badly. And at that moment, I had no great desire to hold TT. Instead, a nurse gave her a bath. Afterwards, the nurse brought her to me and asked if I wanted to hold her. "No, not right now," I replied. Instead, T held her for a while. I felt completely disconnected from the whole experience, and I didn't know why.

The second night in the hospital, I had my first breakdown. I can't even remember what it was about. I just remember holding TT and crying, and hoping a nurse wouldn't walk in during that moment.

Then I got home from the hospital, and a realization hit me. I had a baby. I wanted to go to sleep. Rest. Relax. Take care of myself. But I had a baby to take care of. This was forever. This was my new reality.

I loved TT to death. I loved her so much, that I would cry about that. Am I doing this motherhood thing good enough? Does TT love me? Does she deserve a better mom? My thoughts were completely irrational. Deep down, I knew that. But at the same time, I couldn't stop thinking them.

For the first 4 weeks of TT's life, I cried daily. About anything. I considered the day a success if I was able to make it into the shower. I felt lonely, and craved adult interaction, but after the first couple of weeks, the buzz about the new baby had worn off, and our guests started dwindling. I spent each and every day with TT, barely leaving the house, except to go on a walk here and there.

I felt so down, and I know there were people in my life pretty worried about me. I think a lot of my issues stemmed from my unrealistic expectations of motherhood. And I think my unrealistic expectations came from the fact that I had wanted to be a mom for so long. In my head, I kept building it up, and building it up. I thought I was going to have a baby, and feel wonderful afterwards. I thought TT would sleep a lot, and I would get the house in order daily, have dinner on the table for T when he got home. And even manage to sleep sometimes when she slept. Motherhood was a lot harder than I thought it would be. In fact, I didn't feel wonderful afterwards. I still have pains of childbirth, and for the first month, I hurt pretty badly. My house didn't stay clean. And dinner on the table? I just cooked my first meal recently. T and I had a lot of takeout and turkey sandwiches the first few weeks.

After 4 weeks, I slowly started to return back to my normal self. My body started feeling a lot better, and I started shedding some of the baby weight. I had more motivation to do things, and actually managed to shower AND put on makeup most days. My overwhelming love for Scarlett quit making me sad, and I realized that my love for her was a good thing. I started finding time to get things done around the house and spend time with my baby.

I don't think I had full blown postpartum depression, but I definitely had the baby blues. I was sad, and I didn't know why. And then I would become disappointed in myself for being sad, because this was supposed to be the happiest time in my life. I was just so down.

I wanted to share this, because I realized it can happen to anyone. I never thought it would hit me, because I wanted motherhood so badly. I'm lucky that for me it only lasted about a month, and got much much better. Some people aren't so lucky though.