An Update of Everything

Because I've been taking  a break from blogging, I have all sorts of new things to blog about. (You may want to read this post in installments. It has the potential of being long!) If I can find the time, I plan to update this blog every month or so. That's my goal at least! I've thought about just quitting all together, but I think I have the time to update every so often. . . and I've noticed I definitely feel less pressure when people have low expectations of how often I'll update.  Ha. :)

(I started this post mid November, and just finished now.  Hopefully the info is still current)

Nur UPDATE

Nur's adoption was finalized!  This was a very exciting day in our lives.  Just a little background.  T traveled to Ethiopia alone in August.  TT was less than a month old, and I was still healing from the birth, so there was no way I could be at our scheduled court hearing in Ethiopia.  Because of that, I signed a power of attorney form for T, and he showed up on both of our behalfs.  Because of that, Nur entered the US on an IR-4 visa, meaning that when we arrived, we had to readopt him.  If I had been at court in August, Nur would have come over on an IR-3, meaning he would have been an American Citizen the moment we landed on US soil.  So, after we got Nur home, we started the readoption process.  And in early December, we walked into the courtroom, testified in front of the judge, and the adoption became final, and Nur became a US citizen.  It was a joyous day!

For the special occassion, we got Nur a new blue blazer, tie and dress shirt.  Is he handsome, or what?  And not to take away from his baby sister.  She's pretty darn beautiful herself. :) And I must say we were pretty humorous in the courtroom.  We walked in, and TT spit up EVERYWHERE.  Their cousin C was walking around in her little Ethiopian dress.  And Nur was blowing bubbles.  We seem to make a spectacle everywhere we go. :)

At the courthouse before were were told absolutely no pictures.  Apparently, not everyone at court is there for happy reasons like us.  There are also kids there in really difficult situations.

The day after Nur's adoption was finalized, Nur turned 1! Also a joyous day!  Throughout the adoption process, T and I really kept hope that we would have Nur home for his 1st birthday.  We really wanted to help him celebrate.

We gave him a little cake, and quickly learned our lesson that our son will no longer have cake. . . until perhaps his 2nd birthday. :)  Yes, Nur was up ALL night after eating cake. We were exhausted!

His birthday was wonderful.  We kept the celebration small, and only invited family over to celebrate, and Nur did such a great job interacting with everyone.  We put him in a traditional Ethiopia outfit to honor his heritage. 

The theme of the party was futbol.  Cause, well, I'm married to T. . . who is absolutely obsessed with the sport.  Need I say more? :)

That's right Nur! You are 1!!! This is right after we all sung to him.  He was so funny! He just looked at us with the most peculiar grin, probably wondering why we were all looking at him and singing this weird song he had never heard before. 

Nur received so many wonderful gifts! He loves to play, and will play for hours with T and I on the floor. And he loves toys that make noise and talk to him.  It just fascinates him! 

TT enjoyed Nur's birthday part also.  And Nur is so kind to his little sister and shares toys with her.  They are starting to interact so much.  I love it!

Nur has made leaps and bounds since coming home. Everyday I'm amazed at all the new things he is learning, and everyday, he lets us see his personality more and more.  Some of the things Nur is doing now is, he can feed himself little finger foods.  We used to have to feed him everything, and when we would try to teach him, he would throw a fit.  Now, we place food on his tray, and he happily puts them in his mouth! His hand eye coordination has improved SO much, and he now has that whole pincher grasp down.  His absolute favorite thing to feed himself. . . ger.ber puffs.  He LOVES them.  LOVES THEM.

Nur has also become quite mobile!  We have him working with a PT specialist, and it's really helping him build strength! Every day, he learns something new! He has mastered crawling now.  He also can go from a laying down position to a sitting up position, something his PT wanted to see.   Just today, he pulled himself up on furniture, and by the time I post this, I guarantee there will be more.  His PT specialist (Who is through early intervention) is sure that Nur will test out and be completely up to speed by the end of summer.  She said he is pretty much a 9 month old in terms of development.  Considering that is only 3 months behind his age, I'm pretty darn impressed with that!

Even his looks are changing!  His cheeks are getting chubby, and we love it!  He's really starting to fill out more!  Not only that, but his hair is starting to come in so thick, which is causing us to wonder what we'll do with it. Right now, we are just letting it grow, and it's beautiful and soft.  Nur loves to eat, and we love to feed him.  Everytime we feed him, I feel like we are a step closer to getting his weight up there where the doctors want it to be. 

Nur is an absolute joy to our lives.  Everyday, I am learning new lessons about life from him, and everyday I am completely humbled to be his Mom.  Being a Mom is a blessing, and at the same time it's hard.  The love I feel for my children is the same, but everyday I am realizing that my parenting techniques have to be different for each child. Nur is adopted.  He did come from an orphanage.  Because of that, I do need to alter my parenting techniques.  This is all a learning process, and I just hope I'm doing this all good enough. 

I received so much wonderful advice during the adoption process, but one of the best things I heard was to remember that Nur is still a baby. . . even though I have a baby even younger than him.  And everytime Nur tests my patience, I try to remember just that.  He IS a baby.  A baby who has been through much.  A baby who deserves all the love and patience in the world.  And I know I'm not a perfect mother to him, but I try my hardest, and I have no doubt that Nur feels the love coming from T and I. 

TT UPDATE
And then there is TT.  She also has been a complete joy to our family.  She is changing so much daily, and I also feel so lucky to be her Mama.

I've started TT on baby food, although I must admit, she isn't very interested, at all.  At her last doctor's appointment, she was in the 36% for weight, so I am trying to plump her up a bit.  She is learning all sorts of new things, such as rolling over.  This girl absolutely hates her tummy, but lately I've been putting her on her tummy, she makes herself into an airplane, and then she rolls over to her back.  The first time I saw her do this, I screamed with excitement, and I think it scared her a bit. Oops!  When I put TT down in her crib, she wakes up in a whole different position.  I don't see her move in the night as I'm sleeping as well, but she must be doing a lot of wiggling around.

TT can be on the shy side, and it takes her a while to warm up to a crowd.  If someone is holding her and she doesn't feel comfortable, her bottom lip comes out, and you know it's a matter of seconds that the tears will be coming.  When we are home as a family of 4 though, there is no shyness to be had!  She plays, and plays a little rough!  Remember how I mentioned earlier that Nur's hair is really growing?  Well, TT's favorite thing is to grab his hair.  And naturally, he doesn't like it.  TT is also obsessed with this blow up soccer ball we have.  Seriously, everytime the ball comes around her, she screams at the ball, and then when we take the ball away, she's calm.  Then the ball comes back, and she screams again and tries to attack. (Future soccer star perhaps?) She also interacts with Nur quite a bit.  He's more softspoken, and she gets in his face and just screams and talks to him.  He never knows what to make of it, and he'll just look at me like, "Is this girl for real?"  It's so much fun to see our children interacting.  I think they are really used to each other now, and I have no doubt that TT has no memory of a life without her brother. 

TT also loves to laugh.  I can get her laughing so hard, and it's hilarious.  She also likes to talk a lot.  In the mornings when it is just the two of us getting ready because the boys are still asleep, she likes to scream.  I constantly hush her so we don't wake anyone up.  Yes, a bit futile hushing someone her age.  And I'm not going to lie, I love the sound of her voice. :)

TT may be the worst napper ever.  Although I hear she naps great for the nanny.  ERGH!  But for T and I, she would much prefer to be up.  I think it's because we are so cool and she likes to hang out with us. :)

TT is sweet, kind, and adorable.  She has been such a joy to our lives, just as her brother has.  We are beyond blessed. 

THE ROUTINE

We have a schedule worked out for the most part.  I wake up with TT in the mornings.  She gets up anywhere from 4am to 5:30am.  I feed her, and then I bring her into the bathroom with me as I get ready.  She has this fun little bouncy thing she plays in, and we talk, and laugh and hang out while Mama showers, puts on some makeup, does my hair, and gets ready for the work day.  Nur is usually still sleeping at this time.  At about 6:15, I wake T up for his day. He showers, and I play with TT and get her dressed.  I then leave the house around 6:30am for my work day.  Nur usually wakes up around 7, and T feeds him breakfast and takes care of TT until the nanny shows up at 8am.  Once she shows up, T leaves for the day.

At the end of the work day, I rush home to relieve the nanny.  I usually get home around 4pm, and the kids are usually just getting up from their naps, and it's usually time to feed them both. I put Nur in his high chair, and feed him dinner, while at the same time, holding TT and feeding her a bottle.  We talk (mostly me) about our days, and I sing songs to them.  They both LOVE music.  After they've both eaten, it's time to go to the living room and play.  I usually put on pand.ora radio for all of us, these days it's usually my Christmas Music Station, and we play on the floor until T gets home. 

T then gets home, and the 4 of us play on the floor together.  There are so many fun and educational toys that our kiddos have, so we try to incorporate some learning into our fun!  Around 6pm, we do baths, get the kids into their pajamas, and then we go to our lower level and play.  You see, we have upstairs toys, and downstairs toys. :)  We play for about 30 minutes, and during this time, T and I may enjoy a sandwich or pizza or something like that.  (Must admit, we aren't doing a ton of cooking these days)  At about 6:30-6:45pm, we bring the kiddos upstairs, do a final diaper change, get bottles ready, fill up vaporizers (that help with the constant colds both Nur and TT have, and double as white noise) and start the bedtime routine. (Nur currently wears 2 diapers to bed. . . seriously necessary! And no worry people. . . he doesn't have a diaper rash. His bum is very healthy)

Once the kids are in bed, we pick up a bit, perhaps finish eating dinner, perhaps do a load of laundry, sometimes cuddle and watch a movie, and sometimes, we go to bed too!  And then the next day, we repeat.

As we get into a routine more and more, we are finding that we have a little bit of alone time.  Recently, T offered to take both kids while I went to the mall.  (I texted about 5 times in the 1 hour I was gone) Then later that day, I agreed to take both kids, while he went to his cousin's house to play video games.  We try to give each other a break here and there as much as possible.  But, we rarely get breaks cause, well, being alone with two babies isn't the easiest thing in the world.

US. . . AS IN T AND I

And then there is T and I. Definitely not as interesting as our kids, but I thought I'd update on us as well. Let's just say, life is busy, hard, and tiring, yet fulfilling. These aren't complaints. . . just truths. And the truth also is that I wouldn't change our situation for the world. We love our children more than words could ever express. But yes. . . It is a lot of work, as we knew it would be.

Everyday, T and I struggle with spending quality time with each child of ours.  I know for me, I try to have special alone time with each child.  My mornings I have alone time with TT as I get ready for work.  After work, I try to bring Nur to his room while T is with TT and share a moment with him.  I usually just smooch him, hug him, change his diaper, and tell him how much I love him.  Yes. . . I would like a lot more time a lone with both kids, but it's difficult right now to find that.  I think as they get older, that will become easier. 

We also haven't left our children with other caretakers yet.  Well, we've left them with my sister for a couple hours while we shopped for the kids, but that's about it.  I would love to go to a movie with T, and I think Nur is ready for us to leave for a couple hours, but asking anyone to watch two babies is a lot to ask anyone.  They are both in diapers, they both have high needs, they both can get fussy.  I don't know, I just don't feel comfortable asking anyone such a huge favor yet.  And no one is really offering either, so I think we'll just wait until they get older.

Somedays, I really struggle.  These days are usually after a night of little sleep.  Somedays this all feels like too much.  I don't always know how I will continue.  I break down a bit.  Other days, I look at us with complete amazement that WE ARE DOING THIS, and we aren't doing half bad.  I can go from one extreme emotion to the next in little to no time.  I know there are people out there with twins.  I know there are people out there with a lot more children than I have.  And wow. . . do you amaze me.  All I know is that I struggle at times with all of this.  And when I struggle, I then feel guilt, because I have two babies.  We are at a wonderful point in our lives.  A time I never want to forget or take for granted. 

ATTACHMENT
One of the biggest obstacles of adopting a child is forming an attachment.  We've been home for over 2 months now, and I think we've really made leaps and bounds in this area.

I will say this. . . I wouldn't change the timing of our story.  If I changed it, there wouldn't be a Nur, and there wouldn't be a TT.  But I will say this.  Having children 7 months apart, getting pregnant during the adoption process, adopting out of the birth order, and bringing home a 10 month old when we had a 3 month old at home, has probably hurt the attachment in some ways.  When T and I were just adopting and not pregnant, we had all these wonderful ideas about no one else holding Nur, or feeding him, or changing him, etc.  But, anytime we go somewhere, someone jumps at the opportunity to do all these things for him, and we're usually too tired, or too badly needing the help to object. 

Despite the difficulty, I do think the attachment process is going well, and I think we've made leaps and bounds the past couple of months.  Nur used to SCREAM if anyone left the room for even a second.  Now, he happily plays with his toys, and when I enter his view 5 seconds later, he smiles at me. Or, now that Nur is mobile, he just follows me, which I love. Nur definitely knows who mama and baba are.  He will reach his arms out to us when someone else is holding him.  I feel like he definitely prefers us. Nur knows his sister well, and I don't feel like there is any jealousy or anything like that.  They are both fixtures in each other's lives, and I think they actually like each other. :)

Nur rarely cries between bites of food anymore or when finishing a bottle.  He knows that there will always be food. . . something I fear he didn't know before.  His sleeping habits have improved, and now when he wakes up, he doesn't cry bloody murder, he just makes his voice known so we know he's awake.  He used to scream when he woke up, which was never a great transition from sleeping to being awake. I mean, can you imagine waking up screaming?  Not a great way to start the day!

Nur smiles more.  He talks more.  It's as if he has made the choice to let us in.  I feel like this choice was made out of trust.  I know this is still a work in progress, but I definitely think he trusts us so much more than he ever has before. 

There are things that I wish we were doing better.  There are times I wish there was more of me so I didn't always have to feel like I was making a choice between Nur and TT, but for the most part, attachment is going really well.  We are a family, we all love each other, and daily I will work to make sure Nur knows he is as much a member of this family as everyone else. 

So, that is our lives at the moment.  I'm off of work this week, so I had time to post about it. :)

I hope you all have a very wonderful NEW YEAR!

Next Update

A new update will be coming in either late December or early January.  I'm going to try to update every couple of months if possible, and so many things have been happening, that I hope to update you all then.

My Modern Family

Have you ever seen Modern Family? I have only seen a couple of episodes (I must admit my TV watching days are over) but I love the concept. The look of families in America are changing. And it's a great thing. We are becoming a more diverse nation, our families now have many cultures within it. I love my modern family. It's a family I never would have envisioned, but it's mine, and it's beautiful.

My equal partner in life. . . T. He is a first generation American. His parents moved here a few years before T was born from Egypt. He grew up speaking Arabic in his home, and taking frequent trips to Egypt to visit his relatives. He grew up on Egyptian food. I didn't know what kind of Baba T would be to our children, but he's wonderful and hand's on.

He adores Nur and TT, and it makes me adore him even more.

He sings to our children in Arabic. . . songs his mama sang to him. He exposes them to all of the delicious Egyptian cooking he grew up with. Through T's family, our children are exposed to the religion of his family, Islam.

The pride I see in T's eyes every time he looks at our children is amazing. He has brought so much love, culture and richness to our family, and he is so loved. The way Nur and TT look at him melts my heart. I can tell they are as in love with him as he is with them.
And then there is Nur my firstborn, yet my second child. Confusing, I know, and something I will no doubt be explaining my entire life. :)

I have always wanted a son, and I couldn't have asked for a better one. Everyday, Nurs personality shines through more and more. I'm quickly discovering that Nur has a great sense of humor, and I have a feeling he will be quite the jokester.

He draws people in, everywhere we go. Yesterday at the grocery store, a group of black women had to stop us to get a better look at what they called our chocolate son. They couldn't get over his beauty. His eyes. His deep, dark, and beautiful skin. They finally left us by exclaiming, "God is good!" I agree.

And Nur is so darn smart, I can literally see his mind spinning when I speak to him. He has learned so much in the little time he has been home. He can now clap his hands. He can now feed himself little bites of food. Sometimes he misses his mouth, but it's still a huge improvement! And when he goes to bed, he no longer cries. He just passes out. . . tired from the busy days we have in our life.

He is our African prince. A beautiful Ethiopian boy that although I do not deserve, I am able to call him my son.

Everyday, I think of Nur's birthmom. I hope she always knows how loved her son is. I hope she knows we are doing the best we can to love and nurture the baby she gave birth to. I hope she thinks I'm doing good enough.

And then there is TT. I've never known a sweeter baby. Although she is only 4 months old, she is already kind and loving. We affectionately call TT our Caramel baby. She has beautiful skin. A mixture of my paleness and T's tanness. :)

She also has quite the sense of humor on her. In fact, we were at the hospital over the weekend visiting someone, and everytime a doctor would walk by in a lab coat, she would burst out laughing, like it was the funniest thing she had ever seen. She laughs constantly. She can be in pain (she was experiencing tummy issues last week) but then laugh a moment later. She has a wonderful demeanor about her.

She also likes to laugh at her brother, and so far, has shown no jealousy when Nur is getting attention. In fact, I can be sitting there tickling Nur, and TT will be laughing at me tickling her brother.

TT is our half Egyptian, half everything else beauty. She is smart, and kind, and right now, goes by the nickname Sharky because of her desire to put anything and everything in her mouth. And watch out if your fingers ever graze her face. She will grab them and try to stick those in her mouth as well. And she's quick, so beware!

TT is a wonderful gift from God. She is our princess, and we love her so much. I am so lucky to call this beautiful person my daughter.

And then there is me. A small town girl, enjoying city life with my blended and modern family. Where T is the fun Baba, I am the nurturing Mama. I'm the one who loves cuddling with my children and giving them kisses. I love to sing to them all day long, and enjoying singing all the songs that my Mom sang to me. I also like having dialogue with Nur and TT, even though they probably have no idea what I'm saying. When I'm feeding Nur and holding TT, I do my daily prayers with the kiddos. "Please pray for my Dad and brother, and all the people who are deer hunting, that they may be safe." "Please pray for K who has a very important surgery today." "Please pray for Nana and Gidu, Grandpa and Grandma." I love bringing my Christian upbringing to the table. I love teaching my children peace and tolerance. Everyday I try to nurture their little personalities. I try to nurture their culture. I talk to Nur about his homeland. I talk to TT about her background. I talk about how my life was growing up. I talk about the trips to the cabin "up north" that I can't wait to take with them.

I love my family, and I wouldn't change a thing. I love the diversity we all bring to the table. I love that we represent Ethiopia, Egypt, Norway, Sweden, England, Ireland, and Germany. I love that we are the American dream. I love that the 4 of us all are unique, but we share one very important thing. . . our love for each other.

A Lovely Encounter

The other day, when I had to bring Khalil to the doctor's office to have a chest x-ray taken, a man approached me as I was checking Khalil in.

"Is your son Ethiopian?" The man asked with excitement.

I told him that my son was in fact Ethiopian, and the man went on to tell me that he is Ethiopian too. We weren't at an international clinic or anything, so it was quite exciting to find another Ethiopian. Ever since falling in love with adoption, I also fell in love with all things Ethiopia. It turns out this man is from the VERY same region that Nur is from. Amazing!

The man then started speaking Amharic, Nur's first language to him. Nur's eyes got really large. It was the cutest thing ever. The man said something in Amharic to Nur, and then Nur started giving the man high-five.

The man looked at me and with pure joy said, "I just told him to give me high-five!"

It was a wonderful encounter, and as we get more settled, I look forward to other opportunities to aquaint ourselves with more of Ethiopia right here in our city.

And speaking of the chest x-ray, I think I mentioned it was all clear. And what that tells us, is that Nurdoes NOT have TB. Wonderful news. However, his doctor called me a couple days later, and although Nur doesn't have TB, his doctor is still concerned that his blood test was positive for exposure, and wants to treat him anyway.

Of course I agree. Treating him means that he will hopefully never get TB, which is a very serious disease. But the treatment. Antibiotics for 9 MONTHS. Yes, you read that correctly, 9 MONTHS. And because of his extended stay on antibiotics, he will need to get his liver checked monthly.

I would do anything for that son of mine, and hopefully he tolerates the meds very well.

A New Chapter

I'm back at work today. :(

I decided a while ago that I would return on a Friday. I figured that would be easier for me. I have the next 8 hours to get through, but them I get to go home and see the kiddos and enjoy a weekend with them before thinking about next week.

My two maternity leaves are finally over, and it feels so weird, and a bit sad. When I found out I was pregnant with TT, I realized, holy crap! I'll be taking two leaves! My company only allows 12 weeks a year for babies, so I had to split the leaves between my two children. Not ideal at all.

TT was very sweet to her mama, and knew that I was extremely sleep deprived and not looking forward to returning to work, so she decided to sleep from 7pm last night until 5:30am this morning. That's my girl! And I was glad she woke up, because it gave me a chance to feed her, sing to her, and tell her all about our day. I love these moments with my children.

And Nur is always sweet to his mama when it comes to sleep. Nur is my sleeping in boy, so he was still sound asleep when I left for work in the dark. I'm so sad sitting here at work thinking about Nur getting up and me not being there. His baba will still be there, and he'll have the nanny to play with all day, but it still breaks my heart. Can you say a total NO NO in terms of attachment? Believe me when I say I didn't have a choice in the matter. I need to work outside of the home at this point in our lives. All I can hope for is that someday we find a way for me to stay home. I truly enjoyed every moment, even the HARD ones being at home with my babies.

The maternity leaves are officially over. I'm officially a full-time employee with no more extended absenses scheduled. I'm just one of the millions of mamas out there trying to bring in money for the family, raise two healthy and happy children, and trying to find time to be a wife as well. And not to mention keeping the house somewhat presentable. I don't know how people do it, but I guess I will find out.

Here is TT and I this morning before I left for work.

The Hard and the Oh So Worth it Moments

Everyday poses challenges for me. Here are some of the biggest challenges I've come across thus far.

Bedtime! Oh my gosh! It's awful! It's hard!!! You see, nighttimes are the only time that T and I get to spend an ounce of time together. And well, we are really craving time together right now. So, we try to put the babies down together. I hold and feed one, T holds and feeds the other. Well, either Nur or TT always protests. And one of their protesting, means the other one is up. Obviously, we should put them together separately, but we miss each other! And right now, Nur is definitely the better sleeper. TT passed out around 8 last night, but then was up at 9, needing to be fed again, held, and soothed back to sleep. No biggie, except she didn't get back to sleep until 11:30. This mama is tired!

Feedings. Nur and TT are on very different feeding schedules, mostly due to the fact that Nur eats baby food while TT is just on formula. When I feed Nur, TT sits with me and just watches and plays. But when it's TT's turn to get fed, Nur freaks out! Even though he just ate and has a full tummy. He just can't comprehend that someone is getting food and he's not. I get his frustration. I mean, I'm sure babies weren't fed in front of other babies at the orphanage. I'm guessing they were all fed at the same time. But here's the thing. I can't leave Nur in a room without me, so he needs to sit by me while I feed Nur.

Holding and giving TT attention. This is really hard right now. Nur is at an age where he seems to feel jealousy. When TT gets held or gets attention, Nur freaks out a bit. He will wimper and hold his arms out to me. I try to oblige, but well, she's not even 4 months old yet, and she also has high needs right now. And when they both cry at the same time, I try to soothe them both, but I always feel like I'm making a choice.

Anxiety Issues. Nur still has a lot of anxieties. A lot are surrounding feedings. Others are that I always must be near, and touching him. We are still working on trust and will be for a while.

But the OH SO WORTH IT MOMENTS far outway the hard moments. Nur and TT are really starting to interract. It's wonderful. Nur is making SO many improvements daily! When he first got home, he wouldn't bear any wait on his legs. None! Now he will stand up with support. He's getting so strong! Also, I've been trying to teach him how to clap, and today he clapped. I was one proud mama! :)

And here is a glimpse into our lunch time. I put TT in her bumbo and set it on the table and she plays with her FAVORITE toy Sophie. (Thanks M and A for that gift! Brilliant) She sits there and smiles, laughs and plays, while I sing silly songs. And here is Nur eating. Today's menus was turkey and gravy. Yum Yum!

What's In a Birthday?

When we received Nur's referral back in May, he was originally given the birthday of December 3rd. But then when Nur was looked at at the orphanage, the pediatrician on staff didn't agree with the December 3rd birthday, and said that he was most likely born in January, so he was given the birthday of January 3rd. Every piece of information we received from that point on, listed his age based on a January 3rd birthday.

Well. . . wasn't I surprised when I received Nur's birth certificate while in Ethiopia and it said December 3rd. I'm not sure why, but I felt crushed. One, because I don't believe it. There is no way that Nur is almost 11 months old. No way. And two. . . I felt like I immediately lost another month of his life, which didn't seem fair.

Upon returning to the US, T and I took Nur to an international adoption clinic in Minneapolis. I told the pediatrician about the mixup, and she agrees with a January birthday. She explained that obviously Nur is small due to his circumstances, but she in no way believes he was born in December, and thinks January is much more accurate.

So, we contacted our adoption agency to ask what changing his birthday will entail. Well, it entails A LOT. We'd have to contact a lawyer, fill out a ton of paperwork, and pay more money. We'd have to get letters from doctors supporting the claim of a January birthday, which our local pediatrician already said she'd write, but still, it involves a lot of paperwork to make it possible.

We aren't exactly sure what to do. We don't want the December 3rd date to come and go before figuring this out, because that may be the date we are stuck with. We really feel more comfortable with the January date, but don't know if we have the resources to legally get it changed. I just keep thinking if we keep the December date. I've always looked forward to celebrating my child's 1st birthday by letting him indulge in cake. Well. . . because he won't truly be a year yet, there will be no cake for him.

I don't know why this is bothering me. I don't want to indulge too much of Nur's story, but I will say that we will never know what day he was truly born. All we know is that he showed up at the first orphanage February 1st.

T and I don't know what we are going to do, but I do want to get it figured out quickly so if we decide to just suck it up and keep December 3rd, that we will be ready to have a huge celebration at that time.

Learning Nur

Starting with a 10-11 month baby is very different than starting with a newborn. He already has a developed personality. A personality that I have no doubt is some nature, and a lot of nurture. He's a real person. Not that newborns aren't, but I remember after TT was born, she didn't really develop a personality until she was about 6-8 weeks old. Nur . . He came to me with a personality, and everyday, I am getting to know him better and better.

Some interesting things I've learned about Khalil:

1. He hates being alone, even for a split second.

2. He is a total cuddler, and is content as can be as long as he's being held.

3. He LOVES to eat. He sucks down 8oz of formula in less than 5 minutes and loves his baby food. His favorite kind seems to be sweet potatoes at the moment. He's never seen food he doesn't like.

4. Going with the food theme, he always cries when the food is done, or if we don't feed him quickly enough. He would eat until he threw up, but of course we don't allow that. So after we feed him, he'll scream, but we pick him up and then he's over it.

5. He loves to look out our big bay window and watch the vehicles go by. He looks so excited everytime a car passes.

6. He has a great sense of humor, and loves getting a reaction out of people. He coughed the other day, and I said, "Oh my!" Then he continued to fake cough for about 5 minutes because he loved doing something that gave a reaction.

7. He doesn't seem to like sharing attention. When I hold TT, he holds his arms out to me and cries. When it's her turn to get a bottle, he feels jipped that he's not getting one, even though he just downed a huge bottle. (I think this is orphanage mentality where everyone is on the same schedule for everything)

8. He loves playing with T. They are great buddies.

9. He hates getting his diaper changed. I don't know if it's the actual diaper changing, but he hates being on the changing table, and almost always cries. I haven't figured out why yet.

10. He is a thinker and observer. He loves just studying a situation.

11. When Nur is scared or unsure about something, he puckers up his lips.

12. He loves giving high five. Whether it's to my hand or my head.

13. He has the softest skin ever. It's incredibly soft!

14. He loves shaking a rattle, and does it very methodically.

15. He loves emblems on shirts, and will put his face right up to a shirt to study it further.

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Have you ever had a day as a parent where things just felt right? You were really clicking with your children, you felt optimistic about the fact that you were being a good Mom, and you actually had the thought that you could pull this off?

I've had those days, but yesterday was not one of them.

Nur was a bit on the needy side yesterday. He has every right to be needy, and I try to meet all of his needs, be there for him for comfort and love. But yesterday, nothing I did was enough. Oh wait, something was enough. He demanded to be held. . . constantly. If he was my only child, I could hold him constantly. But he's not.

I was only alone with my two kids for about an hour yesterday from the time the nanny left from the time T got home from work. When I'm alone with the kids, I try to engage both of them. I put music on, lay a blanket on the floor, and get the toys out. I sing songs to my kids. Usually they like it. Well, it wasn't good enough for Nur to be able to see me. He had to be held by me. Then I had to put him down for a second because I wanted to snap a picture of him in his adorable outfit. He cried bloody murder. You would have thought I was torturing him. Then I would lift him up, and get the biggest smile in the world. Then I would set him down thinking he was okay now, and again, he would cry bloody murder.

Then there was bedtime. Nur was exhausted. You could see it in his eyes. I gave him a bottle and rocked him to sleep and sang goodnight songs. He was passed out. I put him in his crib. He lasted 2 minutes. Then he screamed until T and I went and got him and put him in bed with us. I fell asleep with Nur kicking me in the back, feeling guilty that TT got about 2 minutes of my time the entire day. I know that she had 3 months with me alone. But to go from a lot of time with mama to no time at all, she's starting to wonder what is going on.

TT then got up at 1am. I fed her, and she was clearly in pain. Constipation no doubt. She went from soley breast milk to solely formula. The stress of Ethiopia, and not having time to keep up with my milk supply caused it to go away. . . completely. I took a look at things down there, and let's just say she has a lot of compacted poop. I just went to the pharmacy, and as soon as TT wakes up from her nap, I will be inserting a suppository up there. Poor thing. So, TT never went back to bed, so we just hung out until about 3am, when I hear Nur crying. I go into the bedroom, and T is stripping the sheets because Nur peed through them. I threw the sheets in the washer, and put a new set on, and laid a towel down which is now what Nur will sleep on. He and T then went back to bed. But TT was still in pain, crying, and bearing down. I finally stuck my finger up there which was able to provide a little support. I must say I've never done THAT before. I then bathed her and held her, which she needed.

So yeah, I'm not going to lie. . . I'm feeling a little defeated right now. I want to find a way to give Nur comfort and support. But I want him to be able to sit and play with me in view, without needing to be held. I want to find a way to have special time with TT as well. I'm feeling so guilty about how little attention she is getting. I want Nur to trust me, and I know that will take time.

Yesterday, I lost my patience and was frustrated. I was feeling like a failure, I was feeling like there wasn't enough of me to make both of my children happy. I was annoyed by Nur's neediness, and then I was feeling extremely guilty for even feeling annoyed. I mean, he's had a rough life. Geez. . . I need more patience than I displayed yesterday. I need a constant reminder that things will get better and that he has every right to be insecure. Every damn right in the world.

Yesterday was not a good Mom day.

Bonding: A Two Way Street

Throughout the adoption process, I was very focused on whether or not Nur would bond to us. Every book I read, was more about the child bonding to the parents than parents bonding to the child.

I quickly learned that bonding works both ways, and I wasn't ready for that.

With TT, the bonding began early in the pregnancy. Everytime I had an ultrasound and got to peek at her, I felt like the bonding was beginning. When I started feeling her movements, we were bonding. When I would poke my belly, and she would poke me back, we were bonding. So, by the time she was born, I felt extremely bonded to her already. Not only that, but there is ease bonding with a baby who is brand-spanking new.

Bonding with Nur has been slightly different. First of all, it's hard starting with a baby 9 and a half months old instead of a newborn. Nur already has a personality. His needs are great. He knows what he wants, but I'm still getting to know him, so sometimes I get things wrong.

Although I've been studying his picture since May, I only just met my child, and the bond didn't feel as strong and immediate as it did when I gave birth. Don't get me wrong, I love Nur. He is my son, but I'm realizing my bonding to him will take some time. What has surprised me is how quickly he bonded to me. My kid pretty much digs me! ;) He follows my movements and my voice. He gets upset if I leave the room he is in. During the night he reaches for my face to make sure I am still near.

Each day that goes by, I do start feeling more and more bonded to Nur, which is great. I think I would have been really worried had the bonding and attachment not gotten stronger. I know as the days continue to go by, I will be more and more bonded to him, and I will forget the very early days when the bonding didn't seem as solid.

Has anyone else ever needed some time to bond with their children? Whether biological or adopted?

My Crazy Days

Nur has been home a week now, and we continue to adjust day by day. I'd like to think we are settling into a routine, but that may sound a bit too optimistic. I guess we do have a daily routine, it just changes every day.

Right now, our days look a lot like this:

1:00am - Nur wakes up crying. He is sleeping in our bed, so we just rub his belly and he goes back to sleep.

3:00am - I hear TT through the baby monitor. I go in her room and get her, make her a bottle and go downstairs and feed her with the TV on.

4:30am - TT finally starts falling back asleep after eating, so I put her in her crib.

5:00am - Nur wakes up crying and is given a bottle.

5:30am - Nur falls back asleep

6:00am - I hear TT through the baby monitor. I give her a bottle and she is up for the day.

7:00am - Nur is up for the day.

7:30am - Nur eats breakfast.

8:00am - Kids play together on the floor.

9:00am - TT starts melting. She gets a bottle and is held until she falls asleep.

9:30am - Nur starts melting. Gets a bottle and is held until he falls asleep.

10:00am - TT wakes up crying. Must put Nur down, so he is up too because he will only sleep when held.

11:00am - Nur eats lunch

12:00pm - TT has a bottle

1:00pm - Both kids start melting. T takes one, I take one, and we try to have nap time.

3:00pm - Play time on the floor again.

4:30pm - Both kids are hungry and eat.

5:00pm - Bath time because between the two kids, we've changed about 10 poopy diapers this day, and gone through about 5 outfits each. We bath one, while the other sits in the baby jumper and watches.

6:30pm - Both kids get a bottle and we try getting them to bed. TT usually goes down quite easily, and by 7 to 7:30, she is put in her crib in her bedroom.

7:00pm - Nur is refusing sleep. At about 9:30pm, he gives up and stops screaming and crying and passes out. T puts Nur in his crib.

10:00pm - Nur wakes up crying and wants nothing to do with his crib. T gets him and puts him in our bed with us.

11:00pm - Nur wakes up crying. We rub his belly and he goes back to sleep.

Then the next day begins, and our day starts again, similar routine. T and I still haven't found time to eat, and most days, at about 6pm, we realize we haven't eaten yet for the day. I always do manage to have many Mt. Dew's though. I tell the kiddos it's Mama's drugs. :)

I have so many different thoughts throughout the day too.

I think:

"What were we thinking! This is too much!"

"I hope T doesn't shower today. That means I'll be alone with both kids for 10 minutes!"

"We can do this. We ARE doing this."

"Are both kids getting enough of my attention?"

"We are SO blessed."

"My children are beautiful blessings."

"Oh my gosh! I don't know if I want to cry or pass out."

"How do single people do this?"

"How can such cute kids produce so many bodily fluids?"

"This will get better. They won't be this needy forever."

"How will I get up and get ready in the morning when I have to go back to work?"

"I wish I could stay home with my kids."

"This is all SO worth it."

I just let you into the mind of a total manic. And I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining. I am beyond blessed and not a day goes by that I don't realize that. But I'm also not going to lie. This is beyond hard. But worth it. And I know it.

And some pictures. :)

Ethiopia

It's hard to sum up Ethiopia in one post, but I'm going to try.

Ethiopia is a beautiful place full of beautiful and kind people. It is also a place with rampant poverty that is everywhere.

I stayed at a guesthouse with other American families, and it was a wonderful setup. The staff was amazing, and everything was so organized.

I arrived in Ethiopia late Saturday night, and Sunday, our group took a day trip to the country. Ethiopia has some breathtaking views.

Monday was the day I finally got to meet Nur. It was extremely overwhelming. Ever since May, I had been studying his picture. Now I was actually holding him. He was beautiful and soft.

Tuesday involved another trip to the orphanage to visit Nur, and Wednesday I got to check him out of there forever. I took a picture of him with his nanny, who I could tell loved and cared for him very well.

And here is the group I traveled with. We are all so happy to be holding our long awaited children!

Once I had custody of Nur, I stepped into full parenting mode. No longer could we take site seeing trips. . . instead I worked on bonding with my son. I had a great time with the other families, and I hope we'll always be in touch so my son can always have those relationships with the people he shares such a past with. This beautiful girl was one of Nur's roommates. Nur loved her!

Being so far away from the other members of my family was very difficult, but I am so happy that I'll be able to share Ethiopia with Nur someday. Yes, there is poverty everywhere, but there is also beauty everywhere. People in Ethiopia live with so little, yet they are so happy. It makes me realize how I could do without a lot of what I have, and still be fine.

Nur has been home for almost 4 days, and I can't wait to tell you all about how bonding is going, and how it is having 2 infants in the home. I'll give you a preview. . . life is CRAZY!

There's No Place Like Home

Ethiopia is a beautiful country, and I will always be happy that I made the difficult decision to go there, because now I will be able to tell Nur that he comes from a beautiful place. His first home is a place of raw beauty, the kindest people I have ever met, and a rich culture.

Meeting Nur for the first time was emotionally overwhelming. It was wonderful, and every day since he has opened up to me more and more.

I can't wait to tell you all about my travels and about how little Nur is doing. But for now, there are about 100 loads of laundry to be done, paperwork to be filled out, and babies to hold.

It's good to be home!

I Met My Son

It was amazing. It was very emotional. For the past few months I had been studying his picture and it was very surreal actually holding him.

I cannot wait to get back and share this journey with all of you. It's been very amazing, extremely emotional, and very eye opening.

Today IS The Day

Today I get to meet my son.

It's a happy and overwhelming feeling that is so hard to describe. The emotions are so similar to what I felt when I knew I was going to meet TT on her birth day. It's amazing how little difference there is between adopting and birthing a baby. Truly. The love is intense. The emotions are painfully raw. The love is the same.

I remember waking up early in the morning on July 6th, the day TT was born. My water had broken at 10:30pm the evening before, and I was in the hospital. I was given painkillers to help me sleep, as the nurses wanted me to get a good night sleep as the next day would be physically exhausting. Sleeping in a hospital is hard. Sleeping in a hospital with fetal monitors is really hard. I woke up early that morning, and knowing my Mom would be up as well I sent her a text. We texted back and forth, and she was so excited for her youngest daughter to be in the hospital, about to give birth. The joy was coming out of my pores. I had waited for this day for what felt like my entire life. I still have the text I sent my Mom at 5:00am on July 6th.

Me: I get to meet my daughter today! I am so blessed!

And today, along with my Mom, I get to meet my son.

The joy is the same. Two different approaches have led me to the greatest thing I will ever do.

Be a Mother.

Safely in Amsterdam

My Mom and I are safely in Amsterdam. We both had upset stomaches on the way here. We can't figure out if was the beer, vodka tonics, gummy bears, combos, wine, or the bad plane chicken, or reeses peanut butter cups. Hmm. . . or maybe it was just the extra turbulent flight we experienced.

We have about 3 hours until we depart on the next leg of our flight. . . which will bring us to Sudan. And then finally to Ethiopia.

Saying goodbye to TT was awful. I was sadder than I thought I would be. Okay. . . who am I kidding, I knew I would be sad. But it was awful. :( She and T stood outside and wove as I drove away with my Mom and sister. I know she is in good hands though.

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers on this journey. I am now only 2 days away from meeting Nur!

We are going to walk around the airport now and avoid any junk food we see. We both realize we over did it on the junk food.

I hope I'll be able to update in Addis Ababa as well. :)

Bon Voyage

I'm headed to the airport in a few hours. I'm just sitting at home with TT while she takes a little nap. Then T will be getting home, and he and TT will be taking me to the airport.

It's hard to believe how long I've been waiting for this day.

It's also hard to believe how I can be feeling such torn emotions at the very same time. EXCITED to finally be meeting and taking physical custody of my son. SAD to be leaving my baby girl in just a few short hours.

I hope I'll be able to update in Ethiopia. Until we meet again. :)

The Gift of Life
I didn't give you the gift of life,
But in my heart I know
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it has been so.
For us to have each other
is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you
The Gift of Life,
Life gave me the gift of you.
-Author Unknown

All My Bags Are Packed, I'm Ready To Go

And won't T be surprised when he learns that I'm smuggling TT into the suitcase and she's coming with!!!
Okay, not really, but it was an idea!

It's crazy. . . when we first started this adoption process, I dreamed of the day T and I would get on a plane together. . . excited and anxious about meeting our son. Things have played out very differently. Instead, the process got changed requiring two trips, and I got pregnant, and TT was born. So, here we are. . . I'll be heading on a plane with my Mom, and T will be home with TT. It's very different than I imagined, but I have peace that we are doing what we think is best for our family.

So . . . packing! It was really easy to pack for Nur. I packed diapers, a lot of clothes, both long sleeved and short, pajamas, sleep sacks, socks, books, a couple of small toys, bottles, wipes, diaper rash ointment, lotion, bath stuff, baby tylenol, bibs, burp clothes. . . Am I forgetting anything? I decided to buy his formula in Ethiopia as I've heard from others that it is best to buy it there so not to change them on their food because it can cause major blowouts.

I'm almost done packing for myself. I've checked the weather, and it's supposed to be about 73 and sunny during the day, and about 55 at night. So, I'm thinking layers. I'm also going to bring a journal so I can document my entire trip. . . as that is something I want to give Nur someday. I'm also bringing a video camera, as I really want to capture the moment I meet my son. T had someone capture the moment he met Nur, and it is something I will treasure FOREVER.

Any last minute suggestions on things I absolutely must bring?

I feel as ready as I'm ever going to feel. I'm so happy that we are finally at this point and that Nur will finally be coming home. I'm emotional about leavings two very important members of the family behind. I pray that T will do a good job being a single parent for the week, and I pray that TT has fun with her baba and hardly notices I'm gone. I also pray that T won't have trouble asking for help. I know he'll do a great job, but I also know it will be overwhelming doing it all himself. I'm mostly emotional about meeting Nur. I'm trying to have realistic expectations about it. Just because I'm over the moon excited to meet him, I shouldn't expect the same reaction out of him. I'm a stranger to him. It will be completely normal if he is scared, cries, and wants nothing to do with me. This will be a process. But I have so much comfort in the fact that for the rest of my life, I get to be him mama.

Tomorrow is going to be crazy emotional. Okay, all week I've been extremely emotional. I have no doubt that I will be that person at the airport crying my eyes out. I'm not ready to leave my baby (Not sure if I'd ever be ready) but I also know that me going to Ethiopia is necessary to get the missing person in our family home.

A Year of Change

The amount of change that I have experienced this year is astounding to me. I'm so thankful that I've been blogging so I can remember just how much change I have experienced.

A year ago, I was in Ireland with T. A trip to celebrate life and our new reality. We were almost done with the paperwork to get on the waitlist for adoption. It was a wonderful and reflective trip. I blogged about coming home, and feeling tired and under the weather. Hmm. . . I wonder what was causing that?

On October 26th, T and I mailed our dossier paperwork to the agency. Four days later, I got to share the best message ever with T. I got to wake him up, and tell him that I was pregnant. At the time, that was the best and happiest message I've ever been able to tell someone. And do you know how blessed I am? Just a few months later, I got to deliver an equally wonderful message, when I got to call T on the phone and tell him that we have a son.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the amount of change that has happened in the past 365 days. I went from starting this blog to talk about the adoption process, to finding out I was unexpectedly pregnant, to getting a referral of a beautiful baby boy, to giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, to T going to Ethiopia to meet our son and passing court, which makes Nur officially our son, and now I am just 2 days away from leaving for Ethiopia to bring our son home.

I know I am not worthy of these amazing blessings. Yet I am so thankful for them. I know that life with two babies 6 months apart will be hard. But I never want to lose sight of how lucky I am. I couldn't have imagined things working out this way, but I'm so happy they have.

In 2 short days, I'll be headed to Ethiopia, which feels like the final chapter of this story of ours. I feel good to be at this point. I'll feel even better when we are all home and together.

I know I will endure hard and painful days in the future. But for now, I am so happy, and so ready to get Nur home.

A Little of This and That

Poor TT. I'm learning all about parenting, and unfortunately she is my guinea pig.

Want to know what I did this weekend? I attempted to cut those little fingernails of hers, and the little bugger moved, and I managed to cut her skin a little bit. I knew as soon as I did it. I looked at TT and she was silent, stunned, and then she WAILED. I picked her up and tried to soothe her, but she was inconsolable. Then I started crying because I felt horrible that I had inflicted pain on my baby. I FELT HORRIBLE! After a good cry, she was perfectly fine. She smiled at me. Whew! She still loves me! Luckily, there was no blood. Just a little cut that resembles a papercut. Note to self. NEVER cut her nails again. From now on, I'll only be filing them. Lesson learned!


And here are some pictures of some TT cuteness:

Enjoying tummy time. No really, I think she's starting to enjoy it. She doesn't cry everytime now. Success! :)

Just got out of the bath and ready for a little lotion massage. But while she waits, she needs a nice fluffy blanket to keep her warm.

Sitting on Baba's lap is one of the best places to be.


Why do you have me in this ridiculous headband?

Little Gap girl in her cardigan and jeans. Such a fashionista!

TT and I spent a lot of time at Tar.get this weekend. I kept thinking of last minute things that I needed for my trip. I leave Friday! Holy crap! I love TT and I's Tar.get time. As we walk down the aisles, I tell her stories about her brother who will be home soon. I ask her opinion on what I should get him. (People in the store always look at me oddly as I converse with my 3 month old daughter) I'd like to think TT gets it a little bit though. She sits and smiles at me when I talk about Nur. I can just tell that they will be the best of friends. :)

In a Perfect World

In a perfect world, adoptions wouldn't exist.

Mothers wouldn't die during childbirth. Nations wouldn't be impoverished. Children wouldn't get pregnant. There would never be a reason to adopt a child, because orphans wouldn't exist.

Unfortunately, we live in a very imperfect world.

According to a report I saw, there are over 143 million orphans in this world. 143 million. That is 1 in every 13th person. Every 2.2 seconds, a child becomes an orphan.

I don't take adoption lightly. I know how difficult this all may be for Nur when he grows up. I realize he may have an identity crisis. I realize he may have hard feelings that he was taken away from his beautiful country.

I also know what would happen to Nur and the 143 million orphans in the world if people didn't adopt these children.

And although I've said before that T and I are truly the blessed ones to have Nur as our son, I also take comfort in the fact that Nur will now have a home. He'll have two parents who love him unconditionally. He'll have a little sister who looks up to him and absolutely adores him. He'll have grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. He'll have a roof over his head and food on the table. But mostly, he will have an immense amount of love.

The orphan crisis in this world is staggering. I know it's really going to hit me when I get to Ethiopia to bring Nur home, but see all of the other children at the orphanage being left behind. And who knows. Maybe I'll be back someday. I wouldn't discount that possibility.

And although I'm doing so little to help the orphan crisis in the world, I am happy to know that there will be one less.

Dear Nur

In one week from today, I'll be on a plane headed your way. I can't wait to meet you.
I first saw your beautiful face on May 4th, and ever since that day, I've been thinking and praying for you, and have been completely in love with you. I am so proud to call you my son.
Going through all that your Baba and I have been going through in the past year or so, it's so easy to get wrapped up in myself. How will I manage with two babies, how will you react to ME? How will I manage to be away from Scarlett? How will I manage to work and have two little babies?


Nur, I want you to know that although sometimes I do get a little self-absorbed in this process, that you are the main focus. You are the most important piece in this puzzle. And I am considering your feelings in all of this as well.


All you have known for almost your entire life, is the orphanage you live in. You have nannies that take great care of you. You are fed, clothed, and changed. And although I have loved you for the past few months, you do not know me at all. I am going to show up where you live, take you from the arms of your nanny, and cry tears of happiness that we are finally together. I am going to remove you from your orphanage, and take you on an airplane far away, across an ocean and continents. I will look different than anyone you've ever known. I will be speaking to you in a different language. I will smell different. Feel different.


All I can hope for is that you won't be scared, and that you will somehow feel the love I have for you radiating off of me. Your feelings are the most important. I will do anything in my ability to make you feel comforted. I know this is going to be hard for you. I know you are going to be scared and confused.


Through this adoption, I have learned that adoption isn't about me and your Baba at all. This is about you. This is all about your story. I hope you learn very quickly that I am someone you can trust. I will love you forever.

The Evolution of My Adoption

I've mentioned before on this blog that I've always wanted to adopt. And I have. But I've also been honest about the fact that when T and I started the adoption process, it was really as a way to have children. At the time, I didn't think having a biological child was in the cards for me. Adopting from Ethiopia was how T and I were going to start our family. T and I attended a lot of adoption classes, and read a lot of books. I was going to become an expert on adoption, and the bonding process, and the issues with adoption.

Then we received the surprise I call TT.

It was a wonderful surprise, and it didn't stop our want to continue with our adoption. It would have been so easy to just put the adoption on hold, but T and I felt like we had already come so far with it, and I knew deep down that if we put the adoption on hold, that we'd probably never get around to actually going through with it. And I felt like I would have regretted that the rest of my life.

So we moved forward with the adoption. The pregnancy continued to move forward. And for the most part, I chose to live in this little fairytale of being someone who was blessed enough to have the opportunity to birth a child and to adopt a child. How lucky was I? And I am lucky. So very lucky.

But now realism is also hitting me. I've been a mom for 3 months now. And it's hard. I knew it would be, but it's so much harder than I could have ever prepared for. And now I'm just a little over a week from getting on a plane and heading to the other side of the world. And when I come home, I'll have Nur with me.

The reality is that I'm really scared. Terrified actually. I'm starting to have daily breakdowns. A part of me feels so guilty. The other families who will be traveling with me seem nothing but excited. But having TT has changed so much of this adoption for me. This adoption started as a way to have a child. Now this adoption is a way to add to my family. And for some reason, when I found out about TT, I stopped spending all the time to study adoption and take classes. I don't know why I stopped. . . I just did.

And want me to be really honest? And please, no one throw stones my way. A part of me feels like I'm betraying TT. A part of me feels like this isn't fair to her that her mama is about to go on the other side of the world and bring home her big brother. A part of me feels like I'm not going to have any time to devote to TT because Nur is really going to need me. He's going to be so scared. He doesn't know me, and I'm going to be taking him on the other side of the world. I'm going to take him away from everything he knows. EVERYTHING. He's going to need doctor's appointments, he's going to need a ton of one on one interaction. He's going to need me so much. He's going to need an abundance of love so he can trust me. But that doesn't change the fact that TT needs me. How am I going to give both of these children everything they need and want without feeling like I'm betraying one of them?

I am so excited. I don't want anyone to think otherwise. I'm just so scared. I truly don't know how I'm going to do this, and keep my sanity. I still trust that everything happens for a reason, but for the first time, I'm starting to doubt the timing of all of this.

Countdown to Ethiopia

I leave for Ethiopia in 9 days. It's becoming very real.

I keep having this reocurring "fantasy." TT and Nur are teenagers, and they are both yelling at me for ruining their lives. TT is yelling at me and telling me that she felt neglected as a young child because there was so much focus on Nur, and Nur is yelling at me that I should have left him in Ethiopia where he belongs.

No one ever has to make me feel bad. . . I do that really well all by myself.

My excitement over the situation is sometimes plagued with fear. I leave in 9 days and can't wait to leave. But then I'm going to come back home, and T and I will face the most difficult thing in our lives. . . parenting two children, 6 months apart.

T recently made a video of the footage he shot while in Ethiopia. The past few days, he and I have showed it to many people, so I've seen the video a few times. And everytime I see it, new concerns arise. Nur looks completely confused, and really introverted. And who wouldn't be! A complete stranger (T) is holding him and talking to him in a different language. And I'm about to go to Ethiopia and take him with me on a plane ride far far away. He is going to be so scared! It's also obvious from the footage how far behind he is from others his age. I hope that he'll be able to catch up with a lot of love and TLC. I hope and pray there aren't any underlying medical concerns that we'll discover once we get him home. We wouldn't love him any less of course, it would just be a lot easier for all of us if he was healthy.

We will really have our work cut out for ourselves when we return. Nur is going to have to see doctors, and most importantly, T and I are going to have to build up his trust. And while bringing Nur to doctors, and working on bonding with him, we have a 3 month old daughter who needs us as well. She's getting to that age where she knows who mama and baba are, and when she's upset, she wants one of us.

I wish I could just turn my mind off, and only focus on how exciting this is. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm a bit scared as well.

The Progression of TT

Today, Scarlett is 12 weeks old! She won't be "officially" 3 months old until next week. July had 5 weeks in it.

It's so hard to believe how much TT has changed.

I'll never forget the first time I saw TT. I had taken a pregnancy test a few days prior, and to my complete surprise, it was positive. I then had a blood test that confirmed my pregnancy. It was then time to do an ultrasound to try to estimate how far along I was, as I had no idea at all. I went to the appointment alone, and I was terrified. The nurse started the ultrasound, and saw the sac immediately. She then declared that it must be too early to see the heartbeat. Right after the nurse said that, both the nurse and I started seeing the little flicker of the heart. My baby had a heartbeat. I cried tears of happiness and relief. I was declared almost 6 weeks pregnant.

At 12 weeks, two days before Christmas, I got to see TT again. This time, she looked like a baby. A REAL baby. Granted, it was a disproportionate baby, but a baby, nonetheless. T and I watched our baby move like crazy on a big screen TV. The ultrasound tech verified that I was in fact carrying a very healthy baby. And the tech said although it's way too early to know the gender, she was guessing it was a girl.At about 20 weeks, we were able to see TT again. She REALLY looked like a baby now. We got to watch her roll around, suck her thumb and her toes. And it was confirmed. . . we were definitely having a girl! I was so happy. Although I truly just wanted a healthy baby, I have always wanted a daughter.

The last time we saw TT while she was in my belly was when I was about 26 weeks pregnant. I decided to surprise T and have a 3d ultrasound done. Let's be honest. . . it was a great surprise for me too! I got to see my baby girl. . . again. :) It was hard to tell what she would look like, but one thing was for sure. . . this girl was going to have big eyes and big lips.

And then July 6th came. And I got to meet the baby who I had been carrying. Who had been kicking me like crazy. Who would poke me back after I woke poke her. Who liked to keep me up all night moving around in my belly. I FINALLY got to meet her.
And now TT is 12 weeks old, and I truly can't remember life without her. She's a great baby. She smiles, laughs, and loves imitating facial expressions. She loves peace and quiet, and gets fussy when overstimulated. She loves going shopping with her Mama at Targ.et. (Okay, I may have made that up, but she has been to Tar.get about 1,000 times since her birth) She greets me every morning with the biggest smile when I poke my head into her bassinet. Her favorite place to hang out in the entire house is her changing table. . . right in front of a window. And because we can't leave a baby unattended on a changing table, T and I spend quite a bit of time there also. She loves when I sing to her, and she is even starting to recognize certain songs that I sing to her daily. She loves "talking" and is constantly making noises. She has her fake cry down, which means she wants to be held and to receive more attention. She loves the outdoors, but she isn't so sure about wind. She absolutely loves her pacifier, and won't go to sleep without it. She drinks about 4oz of milk every 2.5 hours. She is wearing 0-3 month clothes, and the 3 month clothes are still a bit baggy on her. She isn't too fond of carrides. Major bummer there. And I have no doubt that she is excited to meet this brother character we keep talking to her about. Happy 12 weeks baby girl!