When we received Nur's referral back in May, he was originally given the birthday of December 3rd. But then when Nur was looked at at the orphanage, the pediatrician on staff didn't agree with the December 3rd birthday, and said that he was most likely born in January, so he was given the birthday of January 3rd. Every piece of information we received from that point on, listed his age based on a January 3rd birthday.
Well. . . wasn't I surprised when I received Nur's birth certificate while in Ethiopia and it said December 3rd. I'm not sure why, but I felt crushed. One, because I don't believe it. There is no way that Nur is almost 11 months old. No way. And two. . . I felt like I immediately lost another month of his life, which didn't seem fair.
Upon returning to the US, T and I took Nur to an international adoption clinic in Minneapolis. I told the pediatrician about the mixup, and she agrees with a January birthday. She explained that obviously Nur is small due to his circumstances, but she in no way believes he was born in December, and thinks January is much more accurate.
So, we contacted our adoption agency to ask what changing his birthday will entail. Well, it entails A LOT. We'd have to contact a lawyer, fill out a ton of paperwork, and pay more money. We'd have to get letters from doctors supporting the claim of a January birthday, which our local pediatrician already said she'd write, but still, it involves a lot of paperwork to make it possible.
We aren't exactly sure what to do. We don't want the December 3rd date to come and go before figuring this out, because that may be the date we are stuck with. We really feel more comfortable with the January date, but don't know if we have the resources to legally get it changed. I just keep thinking if we keep the December date. I've always looked forward to celebrating my child's 1st birthday by letting him indulge in cake. Well. . . because he won't truly be a year yet, there will be no cake for him.
I don't know why this is bothering me. I don't want to indulge too much of Nur's story, but I will say that we will never know what day he was truly born. All we know is that he showed up at the first orphanage February 1st.
T and I don't know what we are going to do, but I do want to get it figured out quickly so if we decide to just suck it up and keep December 3rd, that we will be ready to have a huge celebration at that time.
22 comments:
Wow! Tough decisions to be made. But, like everything else that you all have been through you will figure this out!
This may not be the majority opinion, but I personally would leave the birthdate alone...at Dec 3rd. Only because it's 1 month we're talking about and even though as an infant there's a noticable different between being 10mo and 11mo, when he's older that 1 month different won't be a big deal at all. I suppose if it were a 1 year different, I'd probably consider spending the time/money to make the official change, but for only 1 month it's not something I'd fix.
Instead, I'd suggest maybe doing a special celebration (maybe by cooking a special Ethiopian meal in his honor, etc.) on his "real" birthday (Jan 3rd), as he gets older, to commemorate the day.
Wow. So much to think about that never would have crossed my mind.
Not that you need more to think about but - here in Canada when a child starts Kindergarten is based on their year of birth. So right now Munchie is in kindergarten with kids who were all born in 2005.
If this is how things work where you live, it might be significant. Given the delays K might have, it might make a difference having him start Kindergarten with the kids born in 2010 instead of 2009. Just something else to think about.
i don't know WHAT i'd do, so no advice... just hope you all figure out what will be best! it never ends, does it?
I am just wondering what you would do if it were a domestic adoption? Needless to say it would be way different and much easier (I assume and wouldn't have happened in the first place), but maybe looking at it from a different perspective will help. I obviously have no clue, so I support whatever decision you make, as I know it will be the right one for your family!!
Leah,
This tugs at my heart strings, as I believe every child should know when they were born. Something that SO many of us take for granted...a small detail that now means so much. It saddens me that you all have been given mixed information and that Khalil's circumstances do not pin point an exact date. My heart aches for you in this respect.
However, which ever date you and T elect to celebrate and claim as Khalil's birthday will in fact be just that, "HIS DAY". And he should never know any different, as birthdays are so special for little children.
I'll pray that you and T get some peace and clarity on the subject. For now, just consider every day a joyous day to celebrate the wonders in your life...sweet TT and Khalil :)
xxx
I say keep December 3rd. This all won't matter in the years to come. :)
Good luck. I was thinking I'd probably keep it the same but celebrate in January this year. His real birthday, cake, etc. Then starting next year start celebrating in December (and commemorate in January, I liked that idea as well). For school in the US it shouldn't make any difference. Most schools have their cut off in September, some go later in the fall, but it's always optional to send them early. You don't have to send them until they are already 6 (so if he turns 6 in December or January, he doesn't have to start Kindergarten until the following fall).
That makes me feel really sad. How often do we take the little things for granted like knowing our birthday! I hope you get it all worked out!
Wow that is really something to think about. To be honest I am not sure what I'd do. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, necessarily - whatever you decide is best for your son is the right thing. I think I would stick with the December birthday but that's just me :) Either way I am so glad he'll be with you for his first birthday - so special!!
We were faced with the same decision with our Eli. His birth cert has him 8 months older than what his birth mom told us was his real birthday. 8 months is huge right now (at 3 years old)...but at 10+ it won't be that big a deal. We looked into changing it...but, like you, found HUGE loops to jump through. We have decided after much thought that we will keep his birthday on paper, but celebrate his real birthday.
One of the major factors that led to this decision was being told that IF we did change his birth certificate, we could run into problems down the road when his US birth cert doesn't match his ET one? Getting a passport, etc.
Hope you find some clarity and a decision you can be at peace with!
I have a friend who adopted from ET and this same thing happened to them. They "estimated" a birthday that when we was here in the states was discovered to be way off...by at least 2 months. Developmentally, it is important because they constantly have to explain this to the doctors with what little bit of info they have, but in the long run, they are just leaving things like they are because in a year or two it's going to be irrelevant. Def. tough decisions to make
This is disappointing, but if there is some consolation, Dec 3rd is a much better birth date than Jan 3rd from a kid's perspective. The anticipation of a birthday and all the excitement that goes along with that gets lost in the post-Christmas season. Also, it is more likely that he will be in school in early Dec than early Jan, so he can celebrate his birthday with his classmates. My birthday is between Christmas and New Years and my family always had a cake and presents for me, but the event was always blurred with the Christmas holidays.
It will be so much easier to make him feel special with a Dec 3rd birthday.
I am wondering if you are worried that K won't be ready for a super duper 1st birthday celebration by Dec 3rd. It might overwhelm him. This year you might consider a smaller family celebration and then do the anniversary of his adoption with a really big celebration.
That is a tough decision and I'm sorry you are faced with it. I know Ezra's actual bday but there was so much sadness on that day. I have thought about this stuff a lot and we will definitely celebrate his bday but I plan on making a bigger deal about the day the three of us started our life together. Just a thought but maybe you could do something similar. Pick a date in the adoption process that holds the most meaning to you and Taher. Maybe that is the day you got your referral or the day you passed court or the day you arrived home with Khalil and the four of you were united. Those are actual dates you know and you'll be able to tell Khalil all the details in the same way you tell Scarlett about her birth. Just a thought. Hope you are getting some sleep!
Love, Emily
PS - our boys showed up at their first orphanages on the same day. February 1st. Kinda weird.
Leah, I am rethinking what I just wrote. This morning I have been reading some blogs written by adult adoptees and am second guessing my plan to celebrate Family Day. Adoption is complicated. I know I need to think about this whole birthday/celebration thing a little more. So I guess my advice is not to jump to a decision too quickly about changing his birthday. Maybe plan on celebrating December 3rd this year and then take it from there. Sorry to be all over the place!
When I first read your post, my initial reaction was "Oh, you need to go through all the trouble and get the date changed to his 'real' birthday in Jan." But then I read the other comments and thought about it, and it is true that one month makes a big difference now, but in a few years, one month will not be a big deal at all. Jan is just a better guess on his age, but you still wouldn't know the true birthday. Considering his birth certificate says Dec 3rd, it really would just be easier to keep it on that date and keep that as his real birthday. You could still give him cake in Jan! Heather
Hmmm..tough decision. I have no advice just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about your family and the decisions you will have to make.
Ok, this seems like a really superficial comment...but here goes. When Khalil is turning 16, a month is going to mean everything! When he turns 18, a month is going to mean everything! And, when he turns 21, a month is going to mean everything! I say err on the side of an earlier birthday. You don't want to hear it from a 15 (almost 16) year old when he finds out that you decided to change his birthday to a month later! :) Birthdays are about memories and being around family. YOU make the birthday, not a date.
If I were you I would definitely celebrate December 3rd and for this year only, again January 3rd with cake. By next December a month will matter very little. After that it will not matter at all. To put things into perspective, it wasn't all that long ago that here in the US many were faced with not knowing their birth dates. They were born at home and records were not kept. I would totally celebrate the birth of your little treasure on the date on his birth certificate. Think of it this way, Jesus' birth date is celebrated on December 25th. Is that really the day that he was born? Does it matter?
Oh, and one other thought. Celebrate Dec. 3rd without cake. Celebrate with cake on the day you brought him home.
Whatever you do, it will be the right decision.
Leah, two things. First of all I don't think you HAVE to hire an attorney. Our agency recommended that too but we completed our re-adoption (one trip families have to do this) and name change with our local probate court without retaining an attorney. It was easy, and an age change would have been part of that process if we had been able to do that. Two, I know emotionally that one month makes a difference, but I wouldn't be surprised if December was the more accurate date. I say this because when we got home several doctors, including the ones at the Yale International Adoption Clinic, said our boys were probably six months younger than their birth certificates said. Now, five months later, they have done so much catching up physically and developmentally that everyone thinks that their age is accurate! It's hard not knowing that exact date but the important thing is to just pick one and go with it and one month isn't going to be noticeable after this year.
For what it's worth my SIL has two birthdays. Mix up being when they finally had her birth certificate done somehow the wrong date was listed. She celebrates on her real birthday but knows that all legal documents are wrong. So if you want a January birthday make it January and deal with legally changing it later if you want. I wonder though if it can be changed if/when you readopt him in the US.
That EXACT think happened with our Noah. Police said "birthdate" was Dec 16, Peds said late January. I also didn't like it at all for the same reasons and for not wanting the boys to be even one month more apart. Different years, Birthday right before Christmas....and on and on.
But in the end we left it alone. Actually, for the first two years, we celebrated in January. This year an extra month just doesn't make a difference. \
Peace as you figure out these things.
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