Have you ever had a day as a parent where things just felt right? You were really clicking with your children, you felt optimistic about the fact that you were being a good Mom, and you actually had the thought that you could pull this off?
I've had those days, but yesterday was not one of them.
Nur was a bit on the needy side yesterday. He has every right to be needy, and I try to meet all of his needs, be there for him for comfort and love. But yesterday, nothing I did was enough. Oh wait, something was enough. He demanded to be held. . . constantly. If he was my only child, I could hold him constantly. But he's not.
I was only alone with my two kids for about an hour yesterday from the time the nanny left from the time T got home from work. When I'm alone with the kids, I try to engage both of them. I put music on, lay a blanket on the floor, and get the toys out. I sing songs to my kids. Usually they like it. Well, it wasn't good enough for Nur to be able to see me. He had to be held by me. Then I had to put him down for a second because I wanted to snap a picture of him in his adorable outfit. He cried bloody murder. You would have thought I was torturing him. Then I would lift him up, and get the biggest smile in the world. Then I would set him down thinking he was okay now, and again, he would cry bloody murder.
Then there was bedtime. Nur was exhausted. You could see it in his eyes. I gave him a bottle and rocked him to sleep and sang goodnight songs. He was passed out. I put him in his crib. He lasted 2 minutes. Then he screamed until T and I went and got him and put him in bed with us. I fell asleep with Nur kicking me in the back, feeling guilty that TT got about 2 minutes of my time the entire day. I know that she had 3 months with me alone. But to go from a lot of time with mama to no time at all, she's starting to wonder what is going on.
TT then got up at 1am. I fed her, and she was clearly in pain. Constipation no doubt. She went from soley breast milk to solely formula. The stress of Ethiopia, and not having time to keep up with my milk supply caused it to go away. . . completely. I took a look at things down there, and let's just say she has a lot of compacted poop. I just went to the pharmacy, and as soon as TT wakes up from her nap, I will be inserting a suppository up there. Poor thing. So, TT never went back to bed, so we just hung out until about 3am, when I hear Nur crying. I go into the bedroom, and T is stripping the sheets because Nur peed through them. I threw the sheets in the washer, and put a new set on, and laid a towel down which is now what Nur will sleep on. He and T then went back to bed. But TT was still in pain, crying, and bearing down. I finally stuck my finger up there which was able to provide a little support. I must say I've never done THAT before. I then bathed her and held her, which she needed.
So yeah, I'm not going to lie. . . I'm feeling a little defeated right now. I want to find a way to give Nur comfort and support. But I want him to be able to sit and play with me in view, without needing to be held. I want to find a way to have special time with TT as well. I'm feeling so guilty about how little attention she is getting. I want Nur to trust me, and I know that will take time.
Yesterday, I lost my patience and was frustrated. I was feeling like a failure, I was feeling like there wasn't enough of me to make both of my children happy. I was annoyed by Nur's neediness, and then I was feeling extremely guilty for even feeling annoyed. I mean, he's had a rough life. Geez. . . I need more patience than I displayed yesterday. I need a constant reminder that things will get better and that he has every right to be insecure. Every damn right in the world.
Yesterday was not a good Mom day.
27 comments:
I'm so sad that you live so far away. It sounds like you need a mommy play date and we could hold our babies together.
You are right that there are days like that, but there are also amazing moments (and eventually days), so I hope you have more of those today and less hard ones.
Love and miss you!
Leah, all Mom's have their hard days where they are not at their best. Just wait to your kids are teens and driving you up a wall. I have a question though. Does your son have to be held by you? I mean if it was his Daddy or a relative is he just as content? It kind of makes me sad that your little daughter isn't getting the attention like she is used to. I hope things calm down soon so that both get enough attention.
Try a wrap, that way you can carry him around and still get things done. You will have your hands free and he will still be close to you.
I am glad you are able to vent. Just know that you have every right to feel the feelings you are feeling. It is hard work. Just don't allow yourself to become super depressed about things. If that happens, please see your doctor...My friend had to because she was feeling really down about parenting...
You will have good and bad days. I am sure you know that. Your children know you love them. We have all been less than patient with our children at one time or another. God Bless.
I have no advice to give on how to handle days like that, but I'm sending (((hugs))).
(Oh, and a tip: I quadruple make my son's crib. Alternate a waterproof mattress pad with a crib sheet as many times as you like then when they have accidents, all you do is strip the top sheet and pad and you've got an already-made bed ready for sleeping! Plus, you don't have to worry about getting the dity sheets washed right then and there.)
I think that you are doing wonderfully! It is an adjustment to go from one to two children anytime and I am sure that both children being so young and one of them having trust issues makes it even harder. Hang in there!
I always love how honest you are about life, Leah. :) Please don't feel guilty about being annoyed--you are in the middle of the biggest challenge of your life, and frustration certainly is an appropriate and expected response. You ARE a good mama. You guys will move through this.
I was also going to suggest babywearing. (I'm sure you've already considered this... There was a recent issue of Mothering magazine devoted primarily to babywearing and its influence on bonding. I can't find the exact article (I could probably mail my old issue to you, though, if you like.), but here is a generic link to other info from the mag on babywearing: http://www.mothering.com/babywearing
Thinking of you, girl!
I second the vote for a wrap. You could strap him on and still have hands free for yourself or Scarlett. Wrapyourbaby.com or Youtube have great instructions and ideas. Even for older kids.
I think you should just give yourself a break, this is so many new things so quickly and the adjusting is HARD! I know without a doubt you are doing all that you can and you will get into a rhythm! Sending you love!!
Oh, let me tell you, I think I've had more "bad" mom days than good! And that's with only one child. I've cried my eyes out over feeling like a bad, impatient mom. Hang in there! You're doing so great. Each day you get through is a HUGE accomplishment.
Having one baby has been quite the labor of love the last couple of weeks. What your doing right now is simply heroic.
Today, I was changing Charlie's diaper and glad I had put the new one down as he dropped his second deuce neatly on it. The problem was when the third one came and there was no third diaper. One day we'll laugh at these things.
Just keep swimming (from Finding Nemo)! Seriously, you sound like every other mom at one point or another, very normal. I would ask for help, though, nothing wrong with having someone give you a much needed break every once in a while. Have a girls only date every now and then with the little one.
Hi Leah, I think you're doing amazing so far! Everyone has rough days and the fact that you're able to recognize how you're feeling about it and then try to do better is huge! So did K's diaper leak or what? With both of my boys I ended up using huggies overnight diapers (in a purple package) so they didn't wake up soaked in pee. I even put them in the next size up some of the time so it could hold A LOT. I would try that if you haven't already. Good luck and thanks for taking a few moments out of your crazy days to share with all of us!
It will get better. I know that's hard to believe right now, but it will. (((((Hang in there)))) I emailed you yesterday. I second the suggestion to be kind on yourself. What you are going through is HARD and I don't think people can fully understand how hard unless they've been in a similar situation.
Sorry you had such a bad day. I hate to say it, but there will be many more. But the good ones are going to far out number the bad ones and it will get better. You are in survival mode right now, so cut yourself some slack and don't let guilt get you down. You are doing your best and that is all you can ask for right now.
I agree with what anonymous said about the wrap. You can purchase many different wraps and slings at Target or Babies r Us, or you can look on Amazon. One wrap I plan on using with my babies after they come home is a Maya wrap because there are many different ways to carry your baby in it. There is also the Ergo carrier which offers many flexible carrying positions. I also suggest reading the Dr. Sears books on attachment parenting; he offers many suggestions and solutions for many of the issues that you are writing about. Hang in there Leah! I know things are challenging for you now, but the adjustment period will end.
a seasoned adoptive mom once told me never to feel guilty for whatever emotion you are feeling at the moment...ESPECIALLY early in the attachment process. it gets easier. it really does.
There were several days in June where Dash would cry inconsolable unless I was holding him. I ended up strapping him to my body for most of the day, all the while worrying about how I wasn't giving the other one enough attention and that I was spoiling my almost three year old son by carrying him around like an infant. Long story short, it worked and it was the right thing to do. These kids are so scared when they first come home.
Try to be really good to yourself. Many of us have such awful feelings of failure during the adjustment period, because it is hard and (I think I said this in my last comment) the sleep deprivation is just awful even when you don't already have a little one at home on a completely different schedule. Ask for help if you can. When my mom came down to visit I escaped to a two hour nap and when I woke up I remember thinking--wow, it really was the sleep thing! I don't feel half as crazy!
Oh, and we could not live without Huggies Overnight Diapers (not the pull-ups). Hopefully they make them small enough for you.
You are doing great, Leah! You are going to look back on this crazy transition period and feel so proud of your whole family!
It's okay... We all have those days. As far as feeling bad for the one kid who doesnt get enough attention. unfortunately, that is the life of twins. There is one you and two of them... It sucks and I feel so bad for either Bobby or Maya when the other is in needy mode and I hold/etc the one 90% of the day and the other only gets 10% of me... But it swaps back and forth. It all evens out. One day. :)
I can't imagine how you must feel. It was a hard day. Here's to some amazing days ahead!
Bless your heart - things will get better, trust me, they will.
Your two little ones are just adorable :-)
just keep telling yourself, he's had an empty love tank for a long time. it might take months to fill it without it dumping all out the second you aren't holding him.
Have you gotten an Ergo carrier yet? I make dinner and vacuum holding at least one baby. one on front, one on back. It is slow going but it helps...
Oh my, yes, I've had days like that and I only have one child! You're doing so well considering all of the change/transition that you and your family are experiencing. Hang in there and don't be too hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know). I don't believe any mom could be perfectly patient with the days you've described you're experiencing right now. Sleep deprivation alone can just leave you feeling less than optimal. Thanks for being so honest, Leah. Please know that I send lots of supportive thoughts your way!
Oh my, yes, I've had lots of days where I just wasn't feeling my best as a mom--and I only have one toddler! You are doing so, so well, Leah. Hang in there and give yourself plenty of room to be human. I don't believe any mom could be perfectly patient with the days you have described you are currently experiencing. Thanks again for your honest posts. Please know I send you lots of supportive thoughts!
Give yourself a break too. Realize that it's a learning curve for all 3 of you. Also, remember that though it seems traumatic, neither child will remember the days where things weren't going well. At least not yet! ;) Hoping things are looking up!
The one blessing of parenthood: GUILT. It seems as though we can never do enough. Our children don't think that, but WE do. And parent guilt is unlike any other guilt in the world.
You are tired, you are stressed, you are exhausted, you are being worn thin. Even the most patient person in the world would have a hard time not losing their cool just a little bit. I'm sure even the Dali Lama would get frustrated.
I have days where I cry from mama guilt too, and my husband always soothes me and tells me I don't need to feel bad, we all have a breaking point. We just need to give ourselves grace.
Don't beat yourself up over this.. we all have bad days and I think it is normal. We can't all have perfect days. The key thing is we know how to handle them the best we can and bounce back. I think it helps us appreciate the really good days!
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