The Events that Shape Us

Do you ever look at your life and think about the main events that have made you who you are today?

One I have shared with all of my readers is my inability to get pregnant. . . when I wanted to get pregnant. Yes, that experience definitely shaped me. It taught me. And I grew and learned from it. There are many other distinct things throughout my 30 years of life that have made me me. Love me or hate me. . . This is me. A few stand out more than others. One is my Dad.

I was raised in a small community near Rochester, MN. It wasn't considered a suburb, instead, I call it a small farming community in rural MN. You know the kind. . . the kind of town that has one Main Street, and no stoplights. Many unmarked intersections, about 1,200 people. The kind of town where many of the people live on farms outside of towns, where there are a couple cafes, a couple local bars, one being the VFW, but about 10 churches. The kind of town where everything was in walking distance. . . the local Kwik Trip, the school, the church I grew up in. Yes, this was the town I called home for 18 years.

Growing up in a town this size, there was no anonymity. The fact that my Dad was a teacher, and a football and basketball coach in this really small town, didn't really help the whole anonymity thing. My Dad was a teacher of Elementary Physical Education, or as we Minnesotans call it, Phy Ed. (I've heard other parts of the country refer to it as Phys Ed) The teasing started at a young age. Grades would come out on our little yellow report cards, and I always got A's in Phy Ed. Certain classmates would tease me and say that I only got A's because my Dad was my teacher. (Nevermind the fact that I lived and breathed anything competitive and active) Then there was the 3rd grade incident when the boy I was going out with dumped me cause it was "ackward" dating a teacher's child. Well, I flushed the Chicago Bears ring he had given me down the toilet after that.

Things only got more difficult during my high school years. Although my Dad was no longer my teacher, he was still a very public figure and almost every male classmate of mine had my Dad as a coach in football and basketball. (When you're from a small town, you play sports. It's a give in) If someone didn't like my Dad, whether it be because they didn't get the playing time they thought they deserved, or whatever the reason was, they didn't like me.

It was homecoming, and the tradition was to toilet paper the player's and coach's houses. Harmless, right? Well, our house wasn't just TP'd, it was also egged, tomatoed, and a gift my siblings and I had given my Dad, and outside thermometer with a picture of a duck on it, was ruined. I remember being humiliated the next day as my Mom said and scrubbed the tomato off our house, as the bus rolled by, and all of my classmates could see. Humiliated. Then I got to school, and some people who I thought were my closest friends knew who had vandalized our house, but wouldn't tell me. Friends. . . right.

Shortly after this experience, I was at the local Kwik Trip (the only gas station in town) and saw a few older female classmates buying eggs. They turned to me and told me they were egging a teacher's house, and not to tell him. This teacher and his family were close friends with my family. But I didn't tell anyone. Even when this teacher called my Dad the next day to ask who could have done it, I still didn't tell. I was just so happy that someone was the target besides my Dad.

Sometimes I would break down and talk to my Dad about this, and he was always so calm. He said that it didn't bother him. He knows who his friends are. He loves and trusts God. He simly did not care what people thought of him, because he knew who his friends were, and that is all that mattered.

Later in my high school years, I got stronger. When I heard someone badmouth my Dad, I stood up for him and for my family. If I saw a team picture that he was in hanging in the hallway of the school and vandalized, I would rip it down. I quit letting people bully me, and I quit letting people make me feel bad. After I graduated high school, things got much better for my Dad and family. I think a lot of it had to do with the new kids he was coaching, and their parents. Respect is so often times learned from parents, and the kids my Dad coached after I graduated were a bunch of REALLY great kids.

Yet, I always struggled with how people could be so cruel to my Dad. He's a wonderful man. He's calm, he's kind, and he would never harm anyone. Growing up in a small town with a Dad who was a public figure was extremely difficult for me, yet it taught me so much. And the lessons I learned are lessons that I bring with me throughout my life.

I know who my friends are. Friends are people who will stand up for you no matter what. Friends are people who won't sit around while you are being badmouthed, and say nothing.

One of my favorite quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt is that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Don't let people make you feel bad. Be confident in the person that you are. Not everyone is going to like you, and that's okay. Like yourself, and the rest will follow.

Family is everything. Rely and lean on each other.

Learn from everything you experience in life. Everything we go through is a lesson to shape us. I would like to think I'm a more confident woman because of what I went through growing up.

People who are purposely unkind to others usually have something deeper going on in their lives that have nothing to do with those they are being unkind to.

And my Dad? My Dad is still one of the most wonderful people I've ever met, and I'm SO lucky to have him as my Dad. I wouldn't have changed my childhood for anything.

And those kids that used to taunt my family and make life hell? I would like to think that the anger they displayed was because something was going on in their own lives. I hope they are all doing well, and that they are happy in wherever their life has taken them.

Weekly Pregnancy Post - 21 Weeks

How far along: 21 weeks
Gender: Girl! And if for some reason this ultrasound tech was wrong, our boy will have a pretty pink bedroom!
Pregnancy Symptoms: This is embarrassing, but pregnancy has made me snore. Bad. It's so bad that it wakes me up at night. (Which means T must be getting NO sleep) I turn the humidifier on, but nothing helps. I wake up so tired each day. I just hope it goes away when the baby is born.

Maternity Clothes: Definitely. And I even found some pretty cute ones.

Movement: More and more movement this week.
Best Moment of the Week: I haven't felt much for movement yet. Some fluttery feelings, but that's about it. Well, last night as I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep, I start getting kicked. . . and kicked. . . and kicked. I am sure I had a huge smile on my face, and I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving for this blessing. I felt our daughter kick. It was so amazing.

Food Cravings: Snickers, Caffeine free Mt. Dew, Triscuits,
What I miss: Sleeping on my belly.

Weekly Wisdom: When waiting for something you really want in your life, be sure to enjoy your life while waiting. Don't let days pass you by. . .even if you aren't exactly where you would like to be in your life.

I had to resort to the mirror picture because my photographer (aka husband) was still asleep as I left for work today. And notice my cat. She gets ready with me in the bathroom every morning. She just sits up on the counter and watches me get ready. It's pretty cute actually. :-D

Decisions and Bonding

Being on the waitlist for adoption allows a lot of time for thinking and planning. I realize that no matter how much planning we do, we can't plan for everything. This little boy will have his own personality, his own needs, and we can try to anticipate those needs as much as possible, but at the end of the day, we will really just have to learn many things about parenting Khalil when he is home with us.

Something that T and I have discussed a lot is protecting Khalil's privacy. When we do receive a referral, we'll also receive any information about him that is available. . . such as the circumstances that led to his adoption. I know we'll have many family and friends that will be curious about those circumstances, but we think it will be important to keep those private, and let Khalil share them if he ever feels so inclined. I would hate to share his story with people, and then for Khalil to be at a family gathering and overhear uncle Pete (fictitious name) talk about the circumstances surrounding Khalil's adoption. T and I will need to figure out the best time to share Khalil's story with Khalil. All we know at this point is that we want to be as open as possible about the adoption, but we also must realize that a 3-year old isn't going to comprehend the details of his adoption.

And then there is the bonding issues. When giving birth to a baby, I would imagine that the bond is immediate. . . or at least fairly immediate. But when adopting, the bonding process can take some time. Especially the fact that Khalil will already be a few months old. That means for the first few months of his life, he'll be living in an orphanage setting and used to the caretakers there. T and I will be complete strangers to him.

The last adoption class we were at, we heard a very interesting story from one of the employees at the agency. She adopted from China, and was traveling with a group to go meet their children. The children started coming in, one by one, and being placed in the arms of their parents. These children would start screaming. Well, this woman's daugher was placed in her arms, and she was silent. Most would think that is a good sign, but children are supposed to cry and be uncomfortable around strangers.

T and I have been thinking about ways we'll work on bonding with Khalil. When we bring him home, we'll be the ones holding him the majority of the time, if not all of the time. We will be the ones who soothe him when he cries, who changes diapers, who does all the feedings. We'll have to explain to our family and friends that it's not that we don't want them to hold our child, it's just that we need Khalil to recognize who his parents are. I know some adoptive parents that go to the extreme and don't let anyone hold their child for months. But, that won't be an option for us cause Khalil will join his sister in daycare. But before daycare happens, we hope to give Khalil everything he needs so he knows that he can always trust and rely on us.

Perfect Timing

I often think about timing. The past couple of years, I've realized how different my timing can be from what will be reality. Whether you think timing comes from God, or some other higher power. Whether you are spiritual, religious, or just aware that there is something greater out there than ourselves. Whatever this greater power is that controls the timing, this post is for you.

I've mentioned this in previous posts, but my "plan" was to be married for 5 years, and then get pregnant. I figured 5 years would give T and I plenty of time to enjoy life without the responsibility of children. It would allow us to travel the world, be selfish, spend money on the non-practical items, and things of that nature.

So, I'm still not sure that why 3.5 years into our marriage, I got the bug to have children. Badly. And man, I struggled for a year and a half. All the doctor's appointments, all of the discouraging news, the failed treatments, the tears, the heartbreak. It was an extremely difficult year and a half.

And then in August, T and I had already walked away from treatments the previous month. And on August 14th, we celebrated our 5 year anniversary. Then two weeks later, I turned 30. Then a month later, I discovered I was pregnant. 5 years into our marriage. . . I was pregnant.

Wait?

Wasn't that always the plan? Wasn't my "plan" to be married for 5 years and then get pregnant? Did my plan actually work?

Sometimes I wonder if I would have just been patient? What if I would have followed my original plan and waited 5 years like I had originally intended? I often think about all of the heartache I would have saved myself from. But then I realize all of the lessons that I never would have learned. I think about the maturity I wouldn't have gained. And the most important thing, I think about little Khalil, who we would most likely not be on the waitlist for.

Maybe there is a plan for all of our lives? Maybe we all have a lot less control over our circumstances than we realize?

Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

And here is a sneak peak at the curtains I picked out for one of the nurseries we are working on.

A Juggling Act

When adopting, trying to figure out the timing of things can be difficult! There are so many unknowns. I don't know when we'll get our referral for a baby boy. And once the referral comes, I don't know when we'll get a court date, and then when we do get a court date, I don't know when we'll get an embassy date in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, which means we'll get to travel there. So many unknowns, and all T and I have to work off of, is loose estimates that our agency gives us. Let's just say it makes planning difficult. And have I mentioned that I LOVE to plan?

What makes the timing even more interesting is the fact that I'm pregnant, and due on July 7th. I've started having nightmares about the timing of all of this. Last night, I was woken up by a nightmare that our embassy date in Ethiopia was right around delivery time, so Taher had to fly to Ethiopia alone, and I had to give birth alone. That of course would be the worse case scenario.

T and I are still estimating that we'll get a referral in either April or May. Then it's usually a couple months to a courtdate, and passing court can take more than one attempt, and then when you pass court, it can take a month or two to get an embassy appointment which allows you to travel. So, that would put us at traveling to Ethiopia in September or October. That would work!

The other day, some ladies at work asked what I'll do with the newborn at that time. T and I have already discussed that if for some reason we were ready to travel in July, that T would go with my mom and his mom and I would stay home with the baby. But I said that if the baby is at least a month old, I would give the baby to my parents for the week while T and I traveled to Africa. Well, of course these ladies freaked out! They kept saying, oh, once you have your daughter, you'll see. You won't be able to leave her, you'll see. (BLAH BLAH BLAH. Sorry, that's how I feel when people say that to me) I tried to explain to them as gently as possible that T and I going to Ethiopia will be our birth story with Khalil. THAT will be how we meet our son. It will be no less or no more special than when we meet our daughter in a delivery room. It will be different, but the same amount of special. And I will do EVERYTHING in my power to travel to Ethiopia with T. To be there when Khalil is placed in our arms. And if that means giving our daughter to my parents for a few days, than so be it. And trust me, she will be spoiled rotten, my parents will love the extra time they get with her, and I'm pretty sure our daughter will remember us when we get back. . . 5 days later.

Then there is the issue of maternity leave. My company offers 12 weeks of FMLA in a year. So, the way it is looking is, when I give birth, I will take 6 weeks off. Then I will go back to work, and when we get the call that we can travel to Ethiopia, I'll take another 6 weeks off. Not the most conventional leave, but it will work. Yesterday my boss is talking to me, and she starts giving me advice, not as my boss, but as a woman. (Her words, not mine) She tells me that because I'm allowed 12 weeks a year, if she were me, she would take the majority of the 12 weeks when I give birth, and then a shorter time when Khalil gets home. She then goes on to tell me how it will be much easier to find a replacement for me in the summer months. So really? I'm supposed to think her advice was as a woman and not my boss? Right! I then tried to explain to her that when Khalil comes home, we'll need a lot of bonding time and things like that, which is why I would take a minimum of 6 weeks.

The truth is, I don't expect everyone to know details about adoption. They aren't doing the research like I am. They aren't attending classes, renting DVD's, and networking with other adoptive parents. But I do wish they would keep their opinions to themselves, and not pretend that they know what's best for my family.

I have confidence that at the end of the day, the timing will all work out. It will be perfect. The way it's supposed to be.

A Birthmom's Story

I try to get as many perspectives out on this blog as possible. One of the perspectives that I haven't captured yet is that of a birthmom.

Here is one woman's story about how she became a birthmom. To me, this story is a wonderful reminder about the loss that is associated with adoption. The birthmom must never be forgotten in the story of adoption. Adoption doesn't just change the life of those adopting and the life of the child. It also forever changes the person who carried that baby in her womb for 9 months. Here is Birth Mom Talks story.

I was the second daughter to my Mom and Dad. My sister was a year and half older than me. The first ten years of my life seemed pretty normal. My parents owned a two story family home and we had the stability of two parents home. Or so I thought. My sister remembers the breakups more than I do. Most my childhood memories are of my sister and then of my Dad, because I thought he was mean. My Dad is a real physical type of guy so even when he wasn't mad at us he was always causing physical pain. When I was a kid, I didn't know it was just who he was. I thought he was mean. In total, my parents had four kids. My brother came along when I was about 8 years of age.

Shortly after that, in the fourth grade, my parents lost our home. I never knew how good I had it until it was gone. We move to an apartment and all our childhood memories in that home are gone. Not gone, but I hope you know what I mean. Before, I was a 6th grader, we moved several times. I was in three different schools between 5th and 6th grade. Also, two different schools between 7th and eight grade. When I was 12 years of age, my little sister was born. This would be around the time that my parents split up for the final time.

My Mom had a new boyfriend right away and my Dad wasn't happy about the split. They were both too wrapped in their own lives to pay my sisters, brother and I much attention. My sister was left to babysit us and soon that was also dropped on me. As a child, I always followed my sister around. When our parents were not paying us any attention that didn't change. She skipped school. I skipped. We both missed out on most of our 7th and 8th grade years. My Mom didn't have a clue until the school took me to court. My sister hung out with the wrong crowd and so did I. My Mom never talked to us about sex or our periods and what to do or what not to do. So, things changed very fast. I went from a girl who didn't think about boys to seeing how cute they were and how they paid attention to me.

I met Todd who was about five years older than me and tried to see him as much as I could. We were in love. Or so I thought we were. As soon as I suspected that I was pregnant at 14 years of age, he moved and quit coming around. So, I thought I was pregnant and my sister drops a bombshell on our Mom. She is pregnant. She is still with her boyfriend, but Mom wanted her to get an abortion. She refused and was kicked out. Our Dad took her in, but was living in a one bedroom hotel room until he met someone who would become his wife. My sister had her daughter on Aug. 12th 1991 and raised her. So I was very afraid. I was afraid for my baby's life. I didn't tell anyone that I was pregnant. I hid it and now I was the main babysitter for my Mom while she worked and ran around with her boyfriend. The four of us ended up in a hotel room and I babysat the summer of 91 from morning till night. I hid the pregnancy by wearing the only huge shirt I owned and loose pants. I was so scared of what my parents would do to me. On the early morning of Sept 11 1991, I felt contractions. I was so scared. I didn't know what to do. That morning, before school, I told my Mom that I was pregnant by rape. She was shocked but didn't question me any further. So, I went to school and in labor. By 4th hour, I was in a lot of pain and went to the nurse. My Mom had already said you don't need to keep it. So, my Mom sent my aunt to take me to the hospital. We get there within 10 mins or so of her being born.

My Mom won't back down. She insists she gets adopted out. I was so scared. I couldn't believe the amount of love that I felt for my baby girl. My aunt had this couple come out to the hospital to meet me. I was told by them and my aunt that I would be able to get pictures of her growing up. Also that she would know that I loved her. I don't believe my Mom believed me about rape, because she never tried to find out who did it.

They didn't keep their word. I have two pictures. I wasn't educated on adoption. I didn't know what an adoption agency was or what open or closed adoptions meant. All I knew that after 24 hours, my daughter was taken from me. I did have a social worker trying to console me but never did she offer any real help or options. My Mom and my whole family stayed away during the 24 hours that I was my child's Mom. I was taken to the courthouse to sign the TPR"s (Termination of Parental Rights) in front of a judge. I never had felt so much pain. It broke my heart and it hasn't healed. Everything went on as normal. I didn't have anyone that I really could talk to. My family never mentioned my daughter again. It was if she was never born. Nothing changed. I was still my Mom's babysitter. Shortly, after my daughter was born, my aunt offered us to live with her. I was very alone. I cried often. I couldn't listen to music. I was very sick. I went to the hospital at least once a month for pain. A year later, we found out I had gall stones.

In dec of 1991, my Mom let me get a cat and she was all that I had. The adoptive parents didn't keep their word and moved as soon as the adoption was final. Whenever I would ask my aunt to try and get pictures, I was always made to feel bad as if I was causing them trouble. I pretty much just learned not to ask. I cried often that first year while living with my aunt and uncle, but I was yelled at a lot. I was told your'e causing trouble. I fell into a pattern of not telling anyone that I had a child. It's become something that I carry as a dark secret of mine. I would try to talk about it, but was always shut down with a negative comment. So, I didn't take my chances anymore. I spent her first half of her life not even talking about her to anyone.

I married at 18 and even though he knew about her, she was never even talked about. When the attacks happened on 9/11 I started thinking about my daughter so much more. It was and still is a big reminder of her birthday. Her birthday's have always been hard, but lately they are filled with so much painful anguish. Some birthdays I drink just to bring the tears. It's so scary to let them fall, because I am afraid of crying. It's not an odd thing for me to cry for hours and hours on her birthday.

A couple years ago, I found my daughter's family living in the same town as me. I was shocked. I wrote them a letter and nothing. Six months later, I wrote them a letter and nothing. When I think about all the lies and how they had a chance to make it right with me and ignored me it really makes me sad. It makes me feel that I am a bad person. I am a person that can't be trusted. They can't trust that I would do right by my daughter. To be deprived of at least seeing pictures of my daughter and hearing how she is doing has really down something so deep inside that words can't explain it. To be deprived of hearing how they learned to read, ride a bike and just know that she was happy kills me. I had to live with all this distrust and wondering what did I do wrong. What was wrong with me? I wasn't asking for the world. I just wanted to see what she looked like and to hang a picture on the wall. I was able to find a picture of my daughter in the yearbooks at the local library and while I loved seeing how she looked. It did something to my ego. It made me feel like crap. If I wanted to show people of my daughter, I had to show them a photocopy picture of her. I carried those pictures around for about two years. I looked at them everyday. About a month ago, I threw those pictures away because I found my daughter on a social network and we have been talking through the site. It's opened up a whole set of emotions that I wasn't prepared for. I can know show my daughter's real picture off, but the deep feeling of not being worthy enough is still there.

To anyone considering adoption or have already adopted please remember my story. Know that you're dealing with an ethical lawyer or adoption agency and know that your child's birthmother is a real person. No one chooses adoption because they don't love or care for their children. They do it out of love and sometimes they are left without options. Please honor them and remember that they love "your, their" child as much as you.

Weekly Pregnancy Post - 20

*** I have added a new tab to the left hand side. I'll try to update the questions a couple times a week, with the newest questions listed at the top of the list. If you ever have a question, feel free to leave it in the comment section or email me. I love answering people's questions. ***

How far along: 20 weeks - halfway there
Gender: A Baby girl! Taher and I are 99% sure of her name, but right now, we're leaning towards not telling people until she's born. We've been so open and honest about every step of our family growing, this is one thing that we are choosing to keep to ourselves. So, stay tuned for the announcement in July. :)
Pregnancy Symptoms: Growing pains.
Maternity Clothes: Exclusively for pants, but I can still wear dresses that aren't maternity. I had to quit wearing my own shirts cause my belly was poking through the bottom. Not an attractive look a the office.
Movement: Lil monkey has been kicking away. I only feel it every couple of days. And it doesn't really feel like kicks. Just feels like a butterfly hanging out in my tummy.
Best Moment of the Week: The ultrasound appointment. I wish I could have a daily ultrasound! I loved watching our daughter suck her thumb and grab her toes. I wish I could give her a big hug now, but I know she has a lot more baking to do before that will be possible.
Food Cravings: Fruit roll ups, caffeine free coke.
What I miss: Being able to do certain things myself. T painted one of our baby's room over the weekend, and I would have loved to be more involved in that. I did sneak in a couple times. I'm not good at letting go of control.
Weekly Wisdom: Who ever is out of patience is out of possession of their soul - Francis Bacon



Be sure to check back tomorrow where I will have a very powerful guest post from a birth mom. You won't want to miss this.

The Adoptive Dad

*** Please vote on the poll I added to the sidebar. Trying to get ideas for a middle name for Khalil, and all of these names are possible options. All of these are family names. Paul is my Dad, and Robert and Oscar were my beloved grandpas. And of course you've all probably heard Taher's name a few times. ;-)***

Most of us bloggers about adoption seem to be women. I'm hoping T will do a guest post eventually to give his thoughts on growing our family through adoption. (T - If you're reading this, hint, hint)

Here are my thoughts about T and the majority of those adoptive dads out there. They are amazing and unique men. No doubt about it!

The past couple of years I've become much more spiritual in my life. I've been looking for deeper meanings in everything that I experience. It's definitely enriched my life in ways that I could only imagine. It stopped me from being a victim of my circumstances. I SO needed that in my life.

At times, I would look at the infertility that T and I experienced and say WHY ME??? WHY US??? Now I take comfort in knowing that the why us is because we could handle it. I'm convinced that most could not. As I listen to people in my life fret about issues that I consider to be the small stuff, I have to bite my tongue instead of yelling, try experiencing infertility? I dare you!

Anyway, back to why adoptive dads are AWESOME. When it took T and I longer to get pregnant than I would have liked, Taher showed no hesitation when I brought up adoption. Taher's reaction was of course he wanted to adopt. I've always wanted to adopt. Let's do it! His willingness to grow our family in a non traditional way meant the world to me. I know many couples who struggle to get pregnant (hello - I am a blog reader after all) and the woman is usually ready to move on and starts talking and thinking about adoption, but the man still needs his biological child. He still needs to pass on his genes. He can't imagine raising a child that has no biological link to he or his wife. So, while this man is unable to move on, the woman suffers, and her road to motherhood becomes even longer. I see this situation all the time, and everytime I see it, it breaks my heart.

Adopting isn't always an easy decision for people. It takes a brave and confident person to adopt. It takes so much security. When I read blogs from wonderful women who are adopting, I know that they have wonderful partners right along side with them. It is the security in adoptive parents who are able to let go of their dream of a biological child and realize that families are created in many different ways.

I feel extremely grateful that T was open to the idea of adoption. I think it takes such a strong an unique person to adopt. I really do. And I'm confident that T and I struggled with getting pregnant because there is a little Ethiopian boy that may or may not have been born yet, that was meant to be our son. . . and we were meant to be his parents. A little boy that we may not have ever met had we gotten pregnant immediately. I wouldn't change our circumstances for anything. Our circumstances are what opened our hearts and minds and put us on the path we are on today. And without the wonderful man by my side who shared my same visions and dreams, I would not be where I'm at today.

Questions Answered

1. I thought when adopting from overseas, it took years, not months?

Every country is different in terms of their timelines. When T and I went to visit adoption agencies to find out the best option for us, we realized just how different some countries were. China was by far the longest wait, and we learned the wait for a Chinese baby was over 3 years. That quickly ruled out China for us! I'm not sure why their wait is so long. My guess is that it has something to do with the fact that you can really only adopt girls from China. Because of the restriction China has on how many children each family can have, many baby girls are put up for adoption. I also think the wait is long because China is probably the most popular destination for people wanting to adopt. We also learned that domestic adoption of a white baby can take up to 6 years. Then there were certain countries like the one we choose that take a lot less time. This is because it's somewhat of a newer country, and also because there are a lot of orphans in this country. Also because there are both boys and girls available for adoption. It really varies greatly depending on what country you want to adopt from. When our adoption is all said and done, my best guess is that the entire process will take a year, to a year and a half. We started the process in June, and then June until November involved getting an approved homestudy and filling out a lot of paperwork. We weren't on the waitlist until November, 5 months later. Once we get our referral, we will then wait a few months for a court date before we can travel to pick up our son.

2. Regarding the 99 Things post, why did you have to ride in an ambulance?

My stupid heart got stuck in a bad rhythm, and I had to take an ambulance to the hospital and they gave me some meds to get it back in the normal rhythm. That 10 minute ambulance ride was spendy! I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. ;-)

3. With regards to heritage, do you have plans or ideas as to how you will handle your son's heritage, and national history?

This is such a wonderful question, and something that T and I think of constantly. It is SO important to us that we honor our son's heritage, and at the same time, we are also trying to bring in my husband's unique heritage, as well as some of my heritage. It starts to get really complicated when we think of all the heritages that will be in the mix! The first step T and I have taken is trying to learn about the birthcountry of our someday son. The more we know, the more we can teach him. I know I haven't come right out and said it on this blog, but I'm pretty sure everyone knows, we are adopting from Ethiopia. We are lucky that the Minneapolis community we live in has a huge East African population. T and I plan to seek out those neighborhoods and restaurants for our son. We are also building a network of other adoptive parents who have or are adopting from Ethiopia. We always want our son to see other people that look like him. We also plan on going back to Ethiopia when Khalil is older. Luckily, it's a short flight from Egypt.

When we travel to pick up our son, we plan on buying Ethiopian art and other things to put in our home. We really strive to be a multi-cultural family, and we want Ethiopia to be a big part of who we are as a family. T and I also plan on celebrating Ethiopian holidays along with the American holidays and the Muslim holidays that we already celebrate.

More than anything, we want to have dialogue from a very young age. We are going to strive to be open and honest. We always want our son to have so much pride in his homeland. And if anyone has any other ideas, I would love to hear them. I'm always trying to brainstorm ideas on this topic.

My friend starts IVF this month. Do you have any advice on what I should do? Say? What would you have wanted your friends to do?

Thank you so much for asking me this question. IVF was the most stressful experience of my life. That probably sounds crazy to some people, but if you've ever been through it, you'll probably agree with me. It's stressful! What was hardest for me while going through IVF, is I really wanted to be open with the people closest to me about what I was going through. Therefore, my closest friends and family knew the days I had to give myself shots, knew the days where I was going to have my eggs retrieved, and knew the day I was going to get a blood test to tell me if I was pregnant. Well, my IVF experience didn't work out, so a lot of times, I was given bad news. It was very difficult when I would have calls, emails, and texts from family and friends asking the results, when I just wasn't ready to give them. I needed time to mourn on my own. So, as a friend, I would just let your friend know that you are always there for her, and that you will only bring it up if she does. I had some friends who did that with me, and I appreciated it so much. It gave me time to process everything before feeling pressure to articulate it to the people who knew what was going on with me.

And my other advice is to simply be a friend. Be empathetic. I had people in my life who thought that I had mourned long enough, and just needed to get over it. Well, we all get over things at a different pace, and some people never ever get over infertility. Just let your friend know you care, and that you are sorry for her hurt and pain. Have compassion, but not pity. Sometimes just having a friend tell me they were sorry for my pain made all the difference in the world.

If anyone else has questions they would like answered, I'm always willing to answer them. :)

Our Baby Boy's Name

*** Please check in Monday as well, as I'm going to do a question/answer session. If you've asked anything in my comment section, I'll answer your wonderful questions on Monday. :) ***

Thank you all so much for the congrats we received yesterday. It really means the world to both Taher and I that people are happy for us and celebrate with us. Thank you.

I'm very happy we are going to have a little girl. I of course would have said the same thing had we found out that our baby was a little boy. But I thought about it long and hard yesterday, and one of my beautiful blog commenters pointed out that having both a boy and a girl is a good thing because if I had two boys, my fears of raising them exactly the same and equally would really be true. But having a child of each gender, I will naturally raise them a little differently, so it may be easier. Also, I'm happy that I can now refer to our children as our son and our daughter. Many people in our lives have been referring to our children as the adoptive child and the bio baby. I even got in the habit of doing that. But the terms make me cringe. I don't want that distinction. I also don't like when someone is called an adoptive Mom. Let's face it. . . we are all just Mom's, regardless of how our children came to be.

Anyway, our boy's name. :-D

We've been really leaning towards a particular name for a while. We refer to him by that name, but we didn't want to solidify the name for sure until we knew what gender our other child will be. Now that we know, Taher and I talked last night, and decided that yes, this would be our son's name.

And the name we have chosen for our son is. . .

Khalil

Pronounced Ka-Leel

As many of you who read my blog know, Taher is a 1st generation American. His parents moved to the United States from Egypt over 35 years ago to seek better opportunity. Taher's Egyptian heritage is very important to both us. Don't get me wrong, my heritage is very important to me also, but my ancestors have been in this country for a VERY long time. Therefore, I identify myself with being American. Sure, I'm a little Irish, a little German, a little Norwegian, A little Swedish, and a little English. But really. . . I'm an American. Taher was raised with Arabic being spoken in the home, frequent trips to Egypt to visit his aunts and uncles and cousins, and Friday trips to the Mosque. Taher identifies himself with two countries. . . both American and Egypt.

So, it was really important to the both of us that our children have Arabic names. And we both love the name Khalil.

One reason we love this name, is it stems from one of our favorite authors, Khalil Gibran, who wrote The Prophet. When Taher and I got married over 5 years ago, we had Khalil Gibran's Marriage read at our wedding. And when my parents were married over 30 years ago, they had the same reading at their wedding. He is a very special author in our lives, and we love his name, and are proud to give our son the same name.

Marriage

By: Khalil Gibran

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Ultrasound Results are In!

Taher and I are thrilled to announce that we will be having a baby girl!!!

It was so fun to be able to peek at her and see what she was up to. She kept playing with her toes, and she likes to suck on her thumb. She is also a VERY active baby. We tried to get 3-D photos of her, and she kept covering her face and rolling over. I may be a bit biased, but she seems very smart. :-D

So, it looks like we are going to have a boy and a girl. . . We are very blessed. :-D

Weekly Pregnancy Post - 19 Weeks

How far along: 19 weeks

Gender: Will find out tomorrow, if the baby cooperates.

Pregnancy Symptoms: Fatique, and a bit of crankiness. Especially at work.

Maternity Clothes: It's official. My old clothes just don't fit! I wore a pre-pregnancy sweater to work, and didn't realize how small it was until I was sitting in my cublicle. I spent the entire day pulling the sweater down so my tummy wasn't exposed.

Movement: More and more movement this week.

Best Moment of the Week: T talking to my belly and telling lil monkey how much he loves him/her.

Food Cravings: Butterfingers, laffy taffy. (Seriously, why can't my cravings be for veggies?)

What I miss: Being able to stay up late.

Weekly Wisdom: Take time each day to be thankful for your blessings. Never let a day go by that you don't give thanks. . . to whomever you give thanks to. I like to meditate daily and really take in the blessings in my life.

Inshallah. . . I will find out the gender tomorrow. Any guesses? I don't know if I buy into any of those wive's tales out there, but in case any of you see validity in them, I'll give you some of my pregnancy details to help you make a better guess at the gender. I thought I'd give details on all the old wive's tales that I've heard since being pregnant.

I'm carrying high

The heartbeat ranges from 155-160 on a daily basis (How do I know this? I have a home doppler of course!)

I crave sweets more than anything else

I'm in the mood to dress up more than dress down

And here is my picture at 19 weeks.

3 Months Waiting

T and I have been on the waitlist for 3 months!

Our agency estimates that the time on the waitlist, before a referral comes is on average 4-6 months. It is really hard for me to believe that we could receive a referral for our son in just a month. VERY hard to believe!!! Our agency states that the 4-6 months is just an average. Some referrals happen in less time, and some happen in more time. Now, I REALLY can't grasp that we could get a referral any day now. But I would take it in a heartbeat. We are very excited for all of this. :-D T and I still guess that our referral will come in May. Not sure why that is what we think, but that is our best guess. May would put us at the 6 month point of waiting. And we're hoping to have our son home no later than September. I love these arbitrary dates T and I put on the adoption. If we were actually close in any of our date estimates, I would be amazed! :-D So far, the wait hasn't been so bad. T and I have been so busy, that it's really flying by. Some people say this is the hardest part of the adoption. I think the hardest part will be once I see a picture of our son, but having to wait to travel to pick him up. That will be hard.

Sometimes I have very vivid day dreams about our adoption. T and I are in an orphanage thousands and thousands of miles away, and our son is carried out to us. He is more gorgeous than we ever could have imagined. T is holding the video camera, while I reach out for our son. He cries. . . afterall, we are strangers to him. But he isn't the only one crying. Taher and I are sobbing because we are FINALLY meeting our son. We are hugging, crying, and laughing. I love day dreams. :-D

Of course, I'm also a realist, and my day dream does extend to getting back to our hotel. I think about the fears this baby boy will have. He'll wonder who we are. He'll leave everything familiar to him. T and I will try to navigate the best we can. Taking turns with feedings, diaper changes. We will be exhausted from the flight across the ocean, we will be overhwelmed by the newness of all of this. But, I also have no doubt that we will be truly happy.

Oh. . . I bought Baby K his first gifts! (T has bought him many things, but I haven't yet) Oh, and I'll call him baby K because we're pretty sure the name we are going with starts with a K. Any guesses? And no worries. . . I will reveal it. . . I just want to make sure this is the name FOR SURE before I do so.

Here are the gifts I bought him.

I can't wait to read these adoption books to K. I can't wait to have K cuddling on my lap. Ahh. . . So much to look forward to.

99 Things...

99 Things...

Bold the things you have done...

*** I got a 56 out of the 99. I don't know who comes up with these lists, but it's fun to look at what you've done in your life, what you hope to do, and what you hope to never do. Like, bungee jump. NO THANK YOU! ;-) Also, a great post to do when you have a million posts swimming in your head, but no time to articulate. ***

What's #1 on your list of things you would LOVE to do someday?

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightening storm

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child (Okay, I'm in the process, but I thought I would still bold)

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Got a tattoo

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

Projects, Projects, and MORE Projects

I thought I would let you all into T and I's house so you could get a glimpse of some of our projects going on right now. Lots of projects!

So, the blue room. This will be our son's room. T and I painted it a couple of years ago, and we said whether we have a boy or a girl, we are NOT repainting. So, our monkey will go in this room. Right now, it doubles as our guest room. It's a big room. . . actually the biggest bedroom in our home. It has beautiful hardwood floors, nice window coverings, and will make a great bedroom for our boy. But I suppose first we need to clear out all this stuff.

Oh yes, and you can see that T has made it a total boy's room. When I wasn't paying attention, this went up in the window. Hmm. . . not the classy look I was going for. ;-)
Oh yes, and the blue room also doubles as my getting ready for work room. And my scarf collection room. And my hat collection room. I guess I'm going to have to find another space for all of my stuff. Hmm. . .
More of the blue room.
And here is our current office. It's usually more organized than this (I promise) but we've already started the removal of the stuff, and for some reason, instead of getting organized, things feel more unorganized. Here is the closet in the office. We need to remove some of the shelving, place a rod for hanging clothes, and find a new place to store all the "junk" we currently keep in there. Feeling overwhelmed just talking about this!
Another view of our office, which will become lil monkey's room. We plan on painting the walls. I don't mind the color, but this was the first room T and I ever painted when we moved into our house, and it's not the most professional job.
More office views. We're also going to need new window treatments. The carpet is brand new, so that's good. This is the only room in our upstairs not hardwood floors. What's up with that?
And, this is our pantry project. This is a huge pantry that is above our stairs going to our lower level. We've never used it. Ever. Our kitchen is plenty of space for all of our things. But the fact that we're becoming a family of 4, that won't be the case anymore. So far, T put up that plastic shelf you can see. We plan on putting a few more of those up to create more levels and so we don't have wasted space. We think this will be a great space for many items. And my cat insisted on running in as soon as I opened the door. Silly Sucar!
So, here are just a few projects going on. I should have been working on the projects instead of blogging about them, but that's how I roll. :-D

Trying to Enjoy the Process

My energy level has been extremely low lately. I think it has something to do with the fact that all day long I think and obsess over all there is to do. Having my mind think constantly wears me out.

Do you ever feel like everything you experience in life is a test of some sort? I definitely feel that way. I truly believe that everything I have experienced up until this point has been to teach me a lesson. . . to help me grow.

When T and I were going through IF treatment, I remember wanting to JUST be pregnant, so we could start that chapter of our lives. Then when we started the adoption process, I wanted to JUST bring our child home, so we could start parenting. And now, I want the pregnancy to JUST be done and the adoption to JUST be done so I can have these two kids home. A family complete.

I don't know about all of you, but sometimes, when I have so much to do, I just do nothing. I become numb to everything. That's kind of the state I'm living in right now. Complete numbness. I've had relatives call me offering to buy baby furniture. . . what kind do I want? I don't care. I trust you'll get something nice. Just go for it.

And the hardest plans to make overall are the plans surrounding the adoption. We have relatives who keep asking about the timing. We simply do not know. We don't know when we'll bring our son home. For all I know, it could coincide with the birth of our other child. We just don't know. I don't know if I'll even be traveling with T. I'm hoping I will be, but if I'm 9 months pregnant, I won't be. Or if it's 1 week post having the child, I probably won't be either. I will consider it a success if T can be with me in the delivery room. Cause for all we know, he'll be on the other side of the world at that time picking up our son. I'm trying hard to just enjoy the process of this all. I'm also thinking about what all this waiting means? Maybe the waiting is intentional and will help me with my parenting skills when our children are home.

Then I read blogs from new parents who are struggling with the adjustment of having one child. I'm SCARED out of my mind at having two children. But, I know we can do it. I know we have no choice. And when both children are home, we'll both step up and parent to the best of our ability. I'm quite aware that sleep will be a thing of the past.

Should we put our children in separate rooms? Or should they share? When should we start painting? Is it too soon to be planning for these things? What if something were to go wrong? Is it too early to start purchasing things for our children?

And at the same time, I wouldn't change a thing. I feel lucky to be where I'm at. I'm happy about meeting our babies. And I know everything will come together. Everything will get done. (but that doesn't mean I won't have moments of panic. A LOT of them actually)

So, I need to just start making a list, and doing one thing at a time so I don't become overwhelmed. I just thought I'd let you all into the mind of an overwhelmed, soon to be Mama.

Weekly Pregnancy Post

I decided that every Wednesday would be dedicated to being pregnant. Wednesday's are a good day, because this is the day that a new week in my pregnancy begins.

How far along: 18 weeks
Gender: Will find out in 8 days. Cannot wait!
Pregnancy Symptoms: I'm tired a lot, but besides that, I'm feeling great.
Maternity Clothes: Exclusively for pants, but I can still wear dresses and shirts that are not maternity.
Movement: Lil monkey has been kicking away. I only feel it every couple of days. And it doesn't really feel like kicks. Just feels like a butterfly hanging out in my tummy.
Best Moment of the Week: Starting to clear out lil monkey's room so T can paint.
Food Cravings: Butterfingers, spaghetti, caffeine free coke
What I miss: Champagne
Weekly Wisdom: Take plenty time to relax. Things will get done eventually.

And here is my first belly shot for you guys at 18 weeks. Can you tell I'm pregnant?

(Picture taken just as T and I were about to go see Macbeth at the theater. Loved it!)

Adoption Updates

I'm a guest blogger over at Campbell Family Party of 3 today. Click here to read my guest post. And become a follower over at the Campbell Family Party of 3 blog. Mandy is a wonderful advocate for adoption.

• T and I have been on the waitlist for almost 3 months! Next week, it will officially be 3 months! Every day, we are a step closer. Our agency averages the waitlist time to be between 4-6 months. Hard to believe we could potentially be only 1 month away from a referral.
• A couple blogs that I follow from our same agency recently received their referrals. What does this mean? It means that things are moving, and I'm making my way to the front of the list.
• T and I are close to finalizing the name of our little boy. I'll share it once we are 100% positive. I'm thinking we have found a name though, because we keep referring to him by that name.
• T and I have decided to have a huge garage sale this summer as our final attempt to raise some money. We are really looking forward to it because we've been cleaning and organizing our entire home, and we have many items that we are looking to get ride of at the garage sale. They are nice items too, but making room for two little ones, we realize that we don't want any clutter in the house.

So, those are today's adoption updates. While sitting on the waitlist, there really isn't a lot of adoption news. My best guess is still that we'll bring home our son in September sometime. Let's see if I'm close to being right about that. :-D

Finding the Balance

One of my beautiful bloggy friends pointed out to me via the comment section, that I rarely talk about my pregnancy. The comment made me think a lot.

I think me not talking about the pregnancy has been a conscious choice. I have so many mixed feelings about it. When I found out I was pregnant, I was thrilled beyond belief. Well, mostly shocked, but also thrilled. Shortly after, I started feeling a bit guilty about the pregnancy. I started wondering what it would mean for the baby boy we are adopting. Is it fair that he won't have an opportunity to be an only child? Will my children be deprived because we are having them so close together?

The guilt also came from the fact that there are so many women out there who would love to be in this position. Who would love to be pregnant. Going through all I've been through has made my heart grow. . . especially for this community. I think about these women who struggle all of the time. I don't want my blog to ever be a source of pain for others. So I have chosen not to talk about the pregnancy often.

And then a part of me feels like I need to overcompensate for the child we are adopting. As I mentioned in a previous post, when people found out I was pregnant, people were thrilled. We didn't necessarily get the same reaction from everyone when we told them we were adopting. Our biological baby is going to be loved and accepted. Immediately. But I worry if the same will be true for our adopted child. Because of that, I totally overcompensate. I talk more about the adoption than the pregnancy. I plan on giving our adopted child the big bedroom. I've bought more for the adopted child than I have for the bio baby. Yes, completely overcompensating. And I realize it, and really must stop. I love both of our future children. Truly.Madly.Deeply. I'm going to have to find the balance of treating them equally. . . even before they are here.

And then of course a reason I don't talk about pregnancy much is because a part of me hasn't fully realized it yet. My belly is getting rounder, and I'm starting to feel the little flutter of baby kicks in my belly. This is helping it to become more real. But for nearly two years, I dreamed of this. And now that it's here, I'm deathly afraid it will all slip away. I'm more cautious than I've ever been, because I know the road I took to get here.

But, I am happy. I'm so happy to have this living being in my belly, and I'm so happy to be expecting a baby boy from afar. And part of me finding the balance is talking about both. So, I just want to say the pregnancy is going well. I'm almost 18 weeks, and feeling pretty good! The nausea has pretty much gone away, and really my main symptom is tiredness. Constantly. I have a belly, but if you didn't know I was pregnant, you may just think I had put on a few winter pounds. I will post a belly shot in the next couple of weeks, I promise. :-D In less than two weeks, T and I find out the gender. Completely excited about that! But it doesn't matter to me. . . I just want to have a healthy baby. Truly, that is all that matters.