Decisions and Bonding

Being on the waitlist for adoption allows a lot of time for thinking and planning. I realize that no matter how much planning we do, we can't plan for everything. This little boy will have his own personality, his own needs, and we can try to anticipate those needs as much as possible, but at the end of the day, we will really just have to learn many things about parenting Khalil when he is home with us.

Something that T and I have discussed a lot is protecting Khalil's privacy. When we do receive a referral, we'll also receive any information about him that is available. . . such as the circumstances that led to his adoption. I know we'll have many family and friends that will be curious about those circumstances, but we think it will be important to keep those private, and let Khalil share them if he ever feels so inclined. I would hate to share his story with people, and then for Khalil to be at a family gathering and overhear uncle Pete (fictitious name) talk about the circumstances surrounding Khalil's adoption. T and I will need to figure out the best time to share Khalil's story with Khalil. All we know at this point is that we want to be as open as possible about the adoption, but we also must realize that a 3-year old isn't going to comprehend the details of his adoption.

And then there is the bonding issues. When giving birth to a baby, I would imagine that the bond is immediate. . . or at least fairly immediate. But when adopting, the bonding process can take some time. Especially the fact that Khalil will already be a few months old. That means for the first few months of his life, he'll be living in an orphanage setting and used to the caretakers there. T and I will be complete strangers to him.

The last adoption class we were at, we heard a very interesting story from one of the employees at the agency. She adopted from China, and was traveling with a group to go meet their children. The children started coming in, one by one, and being placed in the arms of their parents. These children would start screaming. Well, this woman's daugher was placed in her arms, and she was silent. Most would think that is a good sign, but children are supposed to cry and be uncomfortable around strangers.

T and I have been thinking about ways we'll work on bonding with Khalil. When we bring him home, we'll be the ones holding him the majority of the time, if not all of the time. We will be the ones who soothe him when he cries, who changes diapers, who does all the feedings. We'll have to explain to our family and friends that it's not that we don't want them to hold our child, it's just that we need Khalil to recognize who his parents are. I know some adoptive parents that go to the extreme and don't let anyone hold their child for months. But, that won't be an option for us cause Khalil will join his sister in daycare. But before daycare happens, we hope to give Khalil everything he needs so he knows that he can always trust and rely on us.