They Like Eachother. . . They REALLY Like eachother

Life has really been falling into place lately, and I feel like I'm getting more caught up.  I don't know what direction this blog will take, but for now, I've been having the time to post here and there, and as always, I have a lot to say. :)

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you may remember my many crazy posts leading up to picking up Nur regarding my many fears about having enough love and time to give to both kids.  Yes, it was definitely one of my greatest fears.

Some of the fears are true.  It is hard to give both children everything they want.  Sometimes they will both get fussy, and only want mama.  Sometimes I feel like I'm always making a choice of which one to comfort.  Sometimes I feel like the worst adoptive mama in the world and that I'm not providing Nur with the constant security he needs and deserves.  Sometimes, it is very clear to me that I am dividing myself among two babies, instead of giving myself fully to one of them.  But, I will say this, I do my best, and although I was so filled with fear before getting Nur home, the majority of those fears have been unfounded.

Here's the thing I was hoping for, but wasn't sure if it would be the case.

I was REALLY hoping my babies would like eachother.  And guess what?  They do!!!  They are best friends! What more could I ask for?

Here is some of their sibling cuteness:

• TT almost always wakes up before Nur.  So I'll be hanging out with her, and when we hear Nur wake up, I'll go into his room to get him, while holding TT.  As soon as they both see each other, they shake with excitement and smile from ear to ear.  Adorable! :)
• At our kitchen table, their highchairs face each other. . . one is on one side of the table, and one on the other.  They sit and talk and laugh at each other the whole time.
• Okay, so they aren't twins, and it does annoy me when I'm out and about with both of them, and people ask me if they are twins (seriously, T and I get asked that ALL the time) but they have developed a twin talk.  It's crazy! They babble to each other SO much, and because Nur is older and more vocal, TT has become more vocal by paying attention to her older bro.
• Nur thinks that TT is the funniest thing ever.  Everything she does, he just giggles uncontrollably.
• When we have them both in their carseats in the backseat of our car, they sit and look at each other, talk and laugh.  This happened the other day, and there is Nur and I in the front seat, just swelling with pride of our two little babies in the backseat carrying on a conversation.
• If TT cries, Nur gets so upset.  He is already a protective older brother.
• They play SO well together.  Sure, there is the occassional hair pulling, or toy stealing, but they tolerate it so well from each other, where if it's another kid stealing their toy, it's a meltdown.  But when big brother steals the toy, it gets taken right back. 

Seriously, these children are amazing and yes, I feel very stretched thin sometimes.  Sure, many nights I go to sleep feeling guilty that I didn't give enough hugs and kisses to one of them that day, but at the same time, these kids absolutely love and adore each other, and they both realize they are permanent fixtures in each other's lives.  It's amazing and beautiful. :)

And a couple random pictures I just pulled of my phone, cause come one. . . a post is just more exciting with pics. :)

Ethiopia. . . The End of the Trip

Wednesday, October 13th was the day that I would be checking Nur out of the orphanage, and I would be taking custody of him.  I was excited and nervous.  We weren't picking the children up until later in the day, so in the morning, we decided to go to Entodo. . . which is a mountain outside of Addis Ababa and you can look at the whole city down below. 

The views from the mountain looking down at Addis Ababa.

Entodo was beautiful.  Because of the extremely high elevation, a lot of marathon runners train here.  We met a woman who was training, and through our driver, she told us that she needed new sneakers.  Well, one of the people on our trip had brought two pairs with to donate, and they happened to be her size!  I hope to see this woman in the Olympics someday. :)

And here was a woman carrying this down the hill.  And it was  HUGE hill. 

Finally, it was time to go to the orphanage.  I had so many mixed feelings.  Mostly, I was so excited to begin physically parenting Nur.  But I was also really nervous how it would go.  Would he cry?  Would he be scared? I also knew time was going to slow down considerably, and we didn't leave Ethiopia until Saturday.  Up until that point, the trip had flown by because we would go to the orphanage a couple of hours every day, but then we would site see.  I knew siteseeing was officially over as all the families would stay at the guesthouse and really get to know their children. 

We arrived at the orphanage, and I was brought paperwork to sign.  The paperwork said as of this day, Nur was in my physical custody.  I was his parent forever.  WOW! This was really happening.

Nur's nanny brought him out, and before she handed him to me, I took a picture of the two of them together.

How do I thank someone for loving my son?  For caring for him, attending to his every need, and then to just have to say goodbye?  I can't not say enough about these women and all they do for us.  My heart was happy and sad all at the same time. 

I changed Nur out of the orphanage clothes, and put him in an outfit I brought him.  This was required, as the orphanage cannot afford to lose clothes.  And I'm sure once I took Nur's outfit off, it was washed, and is now keeping another baby warm. He was freshly bathed, and smelled OH SO GOOD.

After all the families signed their children out of the orphanage, we all loaded into a van to drive us back to our guesthouse.  We of course didn't have carseats, so all of the children were on our laps.  Here we were, 6 white adults.  Holding beautiful Ethiopian babies.  As we drove down the streets toward our destination, I could feel the glare from those on the street.  There were men in suits, looking at our van and shaking their heads.  There was a homeless woman carrying her naked baby down the street.  There were beggers coming up to our van and asking for money.  And here we were. . . all carrying Ethiopian babies, and it made me sad.  I was sad for Ethiopia.  It is a beautiful country, and they were losing 4 remarkable human beings.  I was sad for Nur.  He was losing his country, his friends, his nannies, his comfort.  Adoption and loss had never been more clear for me than in that moment.  In that moment, I questioned whether I was doing the right thing. I questioned the best way to help this struggling country?  And I doubted whether taking their beautiful children was the right answer.  I still struggle.

We got back to the guesthouse, and took a picture of our four babies.  They were all doing remarkably well considering they were out of their safe place, and they were with complete strangers.  What beauties they all are.

The next day, October 14th was our Embassy Appointment! I got Nur dressed, and we headed to the US Embassy.  I didn't know what to expect, but what the appointment ended up being was very similar to my experience at the DMV.  I went up to a window with Nur, and was asked many questions.  And then the man behind the counter congratulated me, and wished us luck with the rest of our lives.  Oh, and he also handed me a sealed envelope that said I ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT OPEN and it had to be opened by immigration upon arriving in the US. 

Here is Nur after the Embassy appointment.  His personality was already starting to come out.  And it was strange, but it was like he already knew I was Mom.  He would follow me with his eyes in our room, and he would light up when I would take to him.  My son. . . who I don't deserve.

 Friday and Saturday were the LONGEST days ever.  Friday, I was sick.  Couldn't leave the toilet sick.  Thank goodness for my Mom for helping out with Nur that day.  And we didn't leave Saturday until 10pm, so we basically had another full day in Ethiopia.  And we were advised to not really go anywhere because of how people feel about seeing white people with their babies, so we were literally holed up at the guesthouse.  I have never been more ready to come home.  My heart was ACHING for TT.  Aching.  T had just called to tell me she cried inconsolably for 45 minutes, and it was after my sister had left taking care of her.  My sister and I have a very similar voice, so T thought it was because TT missed me.  Talk about a breaking heart. 

It was Saturday October 16th, and finally time to leave for the airport.  See those cute pajamas Nur has on?  Yeah. . . he pooped on them about 30 minutes after I put them on, so this isn't what he wore on the plane. Ha. 

I was nervous about traveling for so long with Nur.  I mean, we had about a 6 hour flight to Amsterdam in front of us.  Then another 4 hours at the airport there.  And then another 8 hour flight home.  Yes, I was nervous. On the flight to Amsterdam, the other adoptive parents all had bassinets, but Nur didn't have one.  Well, a really nice guy who was traveling with us, gave Nur his daughter's bassinet.  Nur was the smallest and youngest traveling back, and we are so grateful for that.  Not only did he give us his daughter's bassinet, but the bassinet was in front of his seat, so when Nur would get up, this very nice man would comfort him and put him back to sleep.  So, the flight to Amsterdam was a blur.  We all. . . including Nur, pretty much slept right through it.

We got to Amsterdam and said goodbye to the other families.  We were flying directly into MSP from there, and they were all flying to Detroit, and then onto their final destination.  Oh, how I was going to miss these people!  We had only spent a week together,but going through such a profound experience together will bond anyone.  We then had to wait for 4 hours in Amsterdam, and finally were on our flight to MSP.

Nur did so well.  My Mom got very sick on the flight though, and I felt horrible for her.  So, I had to bring Nur with me to the bathroom anytime I needed to pump (yes, I was still pumping at this point) to change him, when I had to go to the bathroom, etc.  Nur sat on my lap, and sometimes he would be fussy, but for the most part, he was the most perfect baby.  I even had a woman come up to me and compliment me on my wonderful baby.  Although I appreciated the comment, I couldn't take the credit. I had only known Nur for a few days at this point. 

We arrived at the airport, and got to go to the front of the line because we had a baby.  We were congratulated by the immigration officer, and we were home.  I knew that on the other side of the wall, was TT.  I longed to hold her.  Other family members had come also.  We tried to keep the get together small, so it was just immediate family.  My Dad was there.  My sister, her husband and daughter.  T's brother, his brother's wife, and their two children, and T's parents. (There are a few pictures from this event, but they are on my sister's camera, and for some reason she can't get them off) We opened the door, and there they were! My eyes immediately went to TT.  She was in a brand new outfit that her Baba had picked out for her, and I went over to them, and T took Nur, and I took TT.  Okay, wouldn't it be a cute story if I told you she cried tears of happiness when I held her, and snuggled into me?  Well, she just looked at me like, "Why are you crying woman?"  What everyone told me became very true in that moment. . . being away from TT was much harder for me than it was for her. 

Everyone met Nur, and then we went home.  We were finally all together, and it was the best and most overhwelming moment of my life.  The journey that began in June 2009 was all worth it.  The years of infertility treatments, the months of paperwork, and appointments, and divulging every little detail about our lives. . . in the moment we were all together, it all became worth it. 

 

I tried to document pretty much everything, but I feel like I've already written a novel, and there is still so much more to say.  Like the day I visited an orphanage that houses special need children and those with AIDS. I remember being there, and seeing a baby about Nur's age, sitting in a little rocking seat ,and rocking herself with her own foot.  She had no one to rock her. No one to soothe her.  The children with AIDS coming up to me and hugging me, simply longing for human touch. I also didn't talk about the homeless lady with two girls on the street who refused our donations because she didn't want charity. 

My heart broke over and over again on this trip.  I think that has something to do with how long it took me to document.  My heart breaks for everything I saw and experienced.  I am changed because of the trip, and Ethiopia will always be near and dear to my heart. 

Ethiopia. . . Part II

I woke up on October 11th with great anticipation.  Today I would meet my son!!!  Everyone else in my travel group had met their children, as they traveled for the court hearing.  But this was my first trip so this would also be my first meeting.  Unfortunately, we weren't able to see our children until the afternoon, so we spent the morning going to a little market called The Post Office.  It's a great place to shop for Ethiopian treasures. 

It was finally time to head to Tokoul Orphanage! I didn't know what I expected, but what I experienced was so different.  We were in Addis Ababa, and before I knew it, we were turning on an unassuming dirt road, and before I knew it, I saw the sign for Tokoul, and the famous blue gates.  

All of the families were put in a room, and we waited for our children to be brought to us.  We waited, and then waited some more.  Okay, it was probably only about 10 minutes, but it seemed like FOREVER.  We finally all went outside as the weather was warm and beautiful.  And finally,  the children started getting carried out. . . one by one.  And I still waited.  Wouldn't you know that Nur was the last child to be brought out?

I held him and snuggled him.  I was overcome with emotion.  Let's just say I had spent many months working on all required to bring me to this very moment, and the emotions overcame me. He avoided eye contact with me, and none of the goofy faces I made could get a smile, let alone any emotion out of him.  Nope.  He clearly had no idea who I was, and wasn't real sure why I was holding him.  I know they take such good care of these children at the orphanage, but Nur just lacked spirit.  It's actually hard to look back and to think this is the same boy.  He is SO different today.  Here is the first day I met my son.

I remember thinking at first that he must be comfortable with me to be able to fall asleep on me.  (Shortly after this photo, he passed out) But the truth is, is that I think sleep was his defense mechanism.  He must have been so scared and confused this day. 

For two hours we got to visit our children, and then it was time to say goodbye.  Well, not really goodbye. . . more of I'll see you tomorrow!  I was strangely okay with leaving him too.  I wanted him to have the time he needed to adjust.  He definitely wasn't ready to go with me that day.

That evening, we went to an amazing restaurant.  They served traditional Ethiopia food, buffet style, and had dancers.  The dancers performed dances that depicted all of the different regions of Ethiopia.  It was amazing!  I couldn't take my eyes off the dancers.  The moves, the rhythm, the spirit! This white girl was jealous! ;)

We enjoyed this dinner with a group of French people who were also staying at our guesthouse, and were there for court.  It was a wonderful evening.

The next day we got to visit the orphanage again!  But not before we did some siteseeing around Addis.  You see, some people on our trip brought dresses to hand out to people, so we decided to go to a church where people congregate.  We pulled up, and there were hundreds of people.  I think all of us in the van were second guessing this decision, but we all got out of the van anyway.  We were handing out dresses, and before we knew it, we all got separated from each other and were getting mobbed.  I was trying to get back to the van, and an old, toothless man groped me, I then shoved him, and ran for cover. We all got in the van, and the people outside started shaking our van.  Our driver was finally able to get us out of that situation. Another wonderful learning moment. :)

And then it was to the orphanage.  Nur was a little more open this day, and I was even able to feed him a bottle.  On this day, he was willing to look into my eyes.  And I melted into his deep brown eyes. They are beautiful!

Our travel group. Lifelong friends I hope. :)

 Everyday, I would walk from the guesthouse to the local mall which had an internet cafe. T tried to call daily, but I also tried to hop online to get updates. Everyday, T would send me pics of TT and updates. Oh, how my heart ached to have my entire family together again. Here are some pics T sent me while I was away. (holy baldy!)

And the next day. . . October 13th, I would take Nur out of his home for the past 8 months, and into my arms forever.  Another very emotional day.

Ethiopia

I arrived home from Ethiopia on October 17th, 2010.  I believe I wrote one blog post about my trip.  One blog post that contained probably 1 or 2 pictures, and a quick overview of the experience.  It wasn't enough.  Here's the thing. . . life was harder than I expected when I returned home.  Much, much harder.  I didn't have time to get on the computer.  Heck. . . I didn't even have time to shower or eat, let alone blog.  But now I've been home for 4 months.  Each and everyday, the fog of my mind is lifting.  Each and everyday, the memories of the experience are also fading.  And that just isn't fair to K. 

So, 4 months later, I'm going to talk about the experience.

I left for Ethiopia on Friday, October 8th.  I've never woken up with so many emotions in my life.  This was the day that I would be leaving on a journey to meet my son.  This is the day I dreamed about since starting the adoption process.  TT woke up at her normal time that day, around 5am.  I fed her, and held her, and breathed in every scent possible.  I told my 3 month old baby how much I loved her, and that she may be confused by my absence for the next 8 days, but that I loved her, and that I was bringing home the missing piece to our family.  My heart literally hurt, and I kept saying to myself. . . how do I do this?  How do I leave her? A couple times that morning, I thought. . . I can't.  I just can't do it!  And then Nur would pop in my head. My beautiful baby boy. I needed to get him home, and I knew there was only one way to do that.

I also spent the morning of October 8th taking some video of TT.  I never wanted to forget her on this day.  And when naptime rolled around, I couldn't put her down, so she napped on me.  I wasn't going to put her down until I absolutely had to.

My Mom arrived to my house with my sister and my niece, and we still had a couple hours before leaving for the airport.  T and TT were going to bring me to the airport, but I think at this point everyone was concerned about my stability, and it was decided that it would be less emotional for me to just hitch a ride to the airport with my sister, mom, and niece.  And before I knew it, it was time to go.  My sister, mom, and niece went out to the car, and let me have a private moment with T and TT.  I tried to hold it together, but the tears started.  I held TT so tight and told her I loved her. I said my goodbyes to T and walked out the door.  T and TT waved as we drove away. My sister rubbed my shoulder and told me she was proud of me.  I felt torn. 

We got to the airport, and I enjoyed a couple of mind-numbing pints with my mom, and before I knew it, we were taking off.  I shut my eyes and sobbed.  I was so full of conflicting emotions, and so aware in that moment just how far this plane would be taking me away from TT.  And at the very same time, I realized that this plane was bringing me to Nur.  Conflicting emotions.

When my mom and I get together, we like to consume all sorts of junk food, so we spent the flight over the Atlantic eating candy, chocolate, chips, drinking wine.  Let's just say when we arrived in Amsterdam, my mom wasn't feeling the best.  Me. . . I just felt tired.  And, oh Europe, how I love you and missed you! And Amsterdam. . . you are one of my favorites of all!  We spent our time going in shops, eating, and resting, and before we knew it, it was time to go to our gate.  I quickly met a couple other families from our agency that I had been conversing with over email and telephone.  It wasn't hard to pick us all out. . . we were the white folks boarding a plane to Addis Ababa Ethiopia! :)

Our flight had a layover in Khartoum, Sudan.  Here, some people got off the plane, and our plane refueled.  We tried to stretch our legs, but were forced to stay seated.  My mom at this point was feeling very poorly, so I had a flight attendant bring her some Sprite to help.  She didn't look good, and we were in the middle of the desert in Sudan, our plane wasn't running, and it was HOT.  A couple hours, we took off.  Next stop. . . Ethiopia!!!

We got through customs in Ethiopia fairly quickly.  We purchased our visas, and we had drivers there to meet us.  It was all very organized.  By this time, it was Saturday October 9th, around 10pm.  We drove in the dark to our YGF Guesthouse, and I could see shadows of mountains in the distance.  We were all so tired, but upon getting to the guesthouse, we learned dinner would be served.  We all got a second wind, and the other American families who were with us all sat down and broke bread together.  And had some wine and beer.  We all talked about our travel adventures that got us to that day, and because the next day was Sunday, and we weren't able to see the children yet, we planned an outing for Sunday, and decided we would go to the countryside.

 A market on the way to a church we were going to visit.

 A church built underground.

 Children in Ethiopia love "Ferengies."  Aka. . . foreigners.

 The trees we sat under as we enjoyed a picnic lunch in the country. I can't even explain how surreal it was to be sitting underneath trees in Africa. 

A wedding we stumbled upon.

 Handing out pens to all of the local children.

Sunday, October 10, we all got in a van and headed to the country.  Ethiopia is a BEAUTIFUL country. It is also a country that has extreme poverty and hardships.  Yet everyone we met this day in the country, no matter how little possessions they had, were the happiest people I had ever met.  I quickly felt a little disgusted by how many worldly possessions I have.  How many completely unnecessary things I own.  These children came up to us with cow dung up to their elbows.  Our driver, Katamah, translated, and they wanted us to see their house.  The reason they were covered in cow dung was because they were insolating the mud walls in their home.  This family lived in a small hut, slept on the floors with their animals.  And I'm not talking a dog and a cat, I'm talking a cow and a goat.  They lived in a one room hut.  Yet they had everything they needed.  If you ever hear me complain about how I don't have enough possessions, I'm giving you permission right now to SLAP ME.

It was a wonderful first, full day in Ethiopia.  And the next day, I would be entering the blue gates of Toukoul Orphanage, and I would be meeting my son.  Here is a pic of me at the end of the day. 

Missing my one baby, and in anticipation of meeting my other.

Parenting an Adopted Child

During the adoption process, T and I attended many classes on adoption and how to build a lifelong bond.  We heard extreme measures that other adoptive parents were making.  We heard stories of the child not being left without a parent for the first year.  We heard about bed sharing for months and months.  We heard about mothers wearing their babies for 6 months straight, only taking the babies off when absolutely necessary. 

I knew we were never going to be that extreme, but I did have my vision in place for how we would work on attachment parenting when Nur got home.  I planned to only have T and I provide for his every need, such as bathing, eating, changing, sleeping.  I planned to wear him as much as possible in my baby b.jorn.  I planned to sleep in the same room with him for a while.  Yes. . . I had many plans during the adoption process.  And yes. . . many of those plans changed when K got home. 

Let's begin with the fact that instead of being in Ethiopia with T like originally planned, I traveled there with my Mom.  Let's just say it was too much for just me to take care of his every need while in Ethiopia.  I did most of it, but my Mom changed many diapers and helped out with many feedings. 

Then we got home, and there I was with a 3 month old and a 10 month old.  I did my best.  I really did.  But when someone would come to the house and offer to help, I took it. Sometimes it was someone else giving Nur a bottle, or changing his diaper.  I would be pumping to feed my children (I gave Nur breastmilk also) and someone else would be with Nur. 

T had to go back to work fairly quickly after Nur and I returned home, so there I was with two babies.  And yes, I tried to carry Nur around as much as possible, but TT, my 3 month old, was colicky and also required a lot of holding.  So there I was, with a carrier on my front, and a borrowed carrier on my back, walking around the house with two babies.

T and I even tried to sleep with Nur for a while when we got home.  It lasted about a week.  None of us could sleep, Nur included.  We slept with Nur between us, and everytime T or I would switch positions, Nur would wake up.  Or everytime TT cried, and I left the room to go feed her, Nur would cry.  He was up no less than 10 times a night.  We'd rub his back and soothe him back to sleep, but we were all waking up crabby and sleep deprived.  So, about 5 days later, T and I decided Nur needed his crib.  Guess what?  He slept ALL night. Not a peep from him.  And he woke up happier, as did we. 

And staying home with him for a year straight and never leaving him with anyone.  BIG FAT HA!  If you've been following my story, you know that I was allowed 12 weeks of maternity for the year, and seeing that I had two children in the same rolling calendar, I had to split my maternity leave.  So yes, after a month home with Nur, I had to leave him with the nanny.  And yes, it killed me.  The guilt was awful, but there simply wasn't any other way.  So yes, after bonding with him for a month, I left for 8 hours everyday. 

So yes, as you can see, I didn't follow the rules.  At all.  I intended to. I read so much on the importance of really showing the adopted child who is Mom and who is Dad. I heard stories from other adopted parents of what they were going to do to help bonding.  One woman quit her job to stay home.  Another woman wouldn't allow anyone to make eye contact with her newly adopted child.  And another adopted mom would bring her child everywhere, even places that children don't usually go. 

Me?

I parented my adopted child exactly how I parented my biological child.  When he cried, I soothed him.  When he was wet, I would change him, or allow someone else to change him if they offered.  When he was hungry, he was fed, but not always by me.  When it was bedtime, he went in his crib, getting his back rubbed until he fell into a deep slumber.  And when he would act out, I'd always wonder. . . is this an adopted child thing, or is this just a normal toddler thing?  And I don't know, and have stopped trying to psychoanalyze ever cry as much. 

Here is what I do know.  Nur knows me as his Mama.  Nur knows T as his Baba.  He knows us.  He prefers us.  When I get home from work, he crawls to me excited and puts his hands up so I hold him.  When someone else is holding Nur, he reaches his arms out to T and I.  And when T gets home from work, he grins from ear to ear.  He loves his Baba.  He knows his Baba. 

And if our circumstances had been a bit different, I would have been more deliberate about some attachment parenting.  I honestly think we are doing the best we can with our situation, and now I realize there is more than one way to do this.  I look at Nur, and I know he loves us, is so happy, and feels safe with us.  And at the end of the day, that's all we can really ask for.  And I'm definitely not saying how we did things is the right way. I have no doubt there are other adoptive parents reading this and gasping, but we did what we had to do to survive, and I think we have two kids who are very loved and wanted.