Parenting an Adopted Child

During the adoption process, T and I attended many classes on adoption and how to build a lifelong bond.  We heard extreme measures that other adoptive parents were making.  We heard stories of the child not being left without a parent for the first year.  We heard about bed sharing for months and months.  We heard about mothers wearing their babies for 6 months straight, only taking the babies off when absolutely necessary. 

I knew we were never going to be that extreme, but I did have my vision in place for how we would work on attachment parenting when Nur got home.  I planned to only have T and I provide for his every need, such as bathing, eating, changing, sleeping.  I planned to wear him as much as possible in my baby b.jorn.  I planned to sleep in the same room with him for a while.  Yes. . . I had many plans during the adoption process.  And yes. . . many of those plans changed when K got home. 

Let's begin with the fact that instead of being in Ethiopia with T like originally planned, I traveled there with my Mom.  Let's just say it was too much for just me to take care of his every need while in Ethiopia.  I did most of it, but my Mom changed many diapers and helped out with many feedings. 

Then we got home, and there I was with a 3 month old and a 10 month old.  I did my best.  I really did.  But when someone would come to the house and offer to help, I took it. Sometimes it was someone else giving Nur a bottle, or changing his diaper.  I would be pumping to feed my children (I gave Nur breastmilk also) and someone else would be with Nur. 

T had to go back to work fairly quickly after Nur and I returned home, so there I was with two babies.  And yes, I tried to carry Nur around as much as possible, but TT, my 3 month old, was colicky and also required a lot of holding.  So there I was, with a carrier on my front, and a borrowed carrier on my back, walking around the house with two babies.

T and I even tried to sleep with Nur for a while when we got home.  It lasted about a week.  None of us could sleep, Nur included.  We slept with Nur between us, and everytime T or I would switch positions, Nur would wake up.  Or everytime TT cried, and I left the room to go feed her, Nur would cry.  He was up no less than 10 times a night.  We'd rub his back and soothe him back to sleep, but we were all waking up crabby and sleep deprived.  So, about 5 days later, T and I decided Nur needed his crib.  Guess what?  He slept ALL night. Not a peep from him.  And he woke up happier, as did we. 

And staying home with him for a year straight and never leaving him with anyone.  BIG FAT HA!  If you've been following my story, you know that I was allowed 12 weeks of maternity for the year, and seeing that I had two children in the same rolling calendar, I had to split my maternity leave.  So yes, after a month home with Nur, I had to leave him with the nanny.  And yes, it killed me.  The guilt was awful, but there simply wasn't any other way.  So yes, after bonding with him for a month, I left for 8 hours everyday. 

So yes, as you can see, I didn't follow the rules.  At all.  I intended to. I read so much on the importance of really showing the adopted child who is Mom and who is Dad. I heard stories from other adopted parents of what they were going to do to help bonding.  One woman quit her job to stay home.  Another woman wouldn't allow anyone to make eye contact with her newly adopted child.  And another adopted mom would bring her child everywhere, even places that children don't usually go. 

Me?

I parented my adopted child exactly how I parented my biological child.  When he cried, I soothed him.  When he was wet, I would change him, or allow someone else to change him if they offered.  When he was hungry, he was fed, but not always by me.  When it was bedtime, he went in his crib, getting his back rubbed until he fell into a deep slumber.  And when he would act out, I'd always wonder. . . is this an adopted child thing, or is this just a normal toddler thing?  And I don't know, and have stopped trying to psychoanalyze ever cry as much. 

Here is what I do know.  Nur knows me as his Mama.  Nur knows T as his Baba.  He knows us.  He prefers us.  When I get home from work, he crawls to me excited and puts his hands up so I hold him.  When someone else is holding Nur, he reaches his arms out to T and I.  And when T gets home from work, he grins from ear to ear.  He loves his Baba.  He knows his Baba. 

And if our circumstances had been a bit different, I would have been more deliberate about some attachment parenting.  I honestly think we are doing the best we can with our situation, and now I realize there is more than one way to do this.  I look at Nur, and I know he loves us, is so happy, and feels safe with us.  And at the end of the day, that's all we can really ask for.  And I'm definitely not saying how we did things is the right way. I have no doubt there are other adoptive parents reading this and gasping, but we did what we had to do to survive, and I think we have two kids who are very loved and wanted.