Surprising Aspects about Being a Mom

I am constantly surprised by my feelings now that I'm a mom. I amazed at how my story has played out. I never in a million years thought I would be raising children 7 months apart.  I never thought I would have a biological child and an adopted child.  And in the process of trying to have children, our story continued to change.  At first we were adoptiong only.  Then I was pregnant and we were adopting.  I have no doubt that the way my story has played out has dictated some of my feelings. 

I wanted to talk about my feelings post motherhood, because I am learning to have grace with myself.  I'm learning that everyone bonds to their children differently, and this is just how it is happening with me.  I'm realizing that I don't need to beat myself up about it.  It is what it is.

When I gave birth to TT, I felt initially detached.  I was in quite a lot of pain.  I had a lot of anxiety because of her heart rhythm issues during labor.  When she was finally born, I just sat back and crawled into myself a little.  I think I did it mostly to control the pain aspect of childbirth.  I was tired.  Not only from the labor, but from the pregnancy.  From the anxieties of worrying if I would have a baby at the end of the pregnancy.  The first night of TT's life, I sent her to the nursery for the night.  I needed sleep.  I was tired.  The next night, I sent her to the nursery again.  But in the middle of the night, a nurse brought her into my room, and said she has been crying non stop and needed her Mom. At first, I was slightly annoyed.  I needed sleep.  Couldn't the nurse figure this out?  I picked TT up from her bassinet, and she immediately stopped crying.  I immediately started crying.  We looked straight into each other's eyes, and I sobbed.  I sang her songs, cuddled with her in my hospital bed, and I held her so tight.  I loved TT immediately.  I loved her the minute I saw the positive pregnancy test.  I loved her the minute she was placed on my chest after the birth.  But in this moment, I fell completely in love.  I was her Mom, and she needed me so much.  And I never ever EVER wanted to put her down.  I had never felt love like this.  It was a happy love, but a love that had me crying for the next month because I had never felt such intense emotions.  This was the defining moment where I realized that I am in charge of TT.  I am here for all of her needs.  And in that moment, I realized I would do anything for this sweet baby girl.  Deeply, madly in love. So, I first loved TT on October 30, 2009, when I had a positive pregnancy test.  But I fell truly in love the day after her birthday, July 7, 2010.

I loved Nur the moment T and I started the adoption process.  I prayed for Nur, for his birthparents, for his birth country.  But I didn't know who I was loving.  I just knew I loved this little boy.  Then came May 4, 2010.  The day T and I received our referral for Nur.  This was the first moment I was able to see his beautiful face.  Yes, my love for Nur intensified that day.  I'll never forget meeting Nur for the first time.  His nanny brought him to me at the orphanage, and for the first time, I was able to hold my son.  He was soft, gorgeous, and absolutely perfect.  He was also scared and emotionless.  I remember sobbing. For the first time, Nur was in my arms.  Not some picture on our fridge and on my computer desktop.  And altough I loved him, I didn't feel bonded to him.  I didn't know him.  He didn't know me.  I didn't know what his cry meant.  I didn't know what his facial expressions meant.  My hold and touch didn't soothe him.  To him, I wasn't Mom.  I was just a woman giving his attention.  As far as he was concerned, I was just another nanny at the orphanage. 

Nur has now been home for 3 and a half months.  The same age TT was when I left her to go to Ethiopia to pick Nur up.  3 and a half months.  For me, I've realized that bonding is a process.  I've also realized that love is sometimes learned.  I felt bonded with TT almost immediately.  I feel like I had 9 months to get to know her while I was pregnant.  And more than that, she had 9 months to get to know me.  To know my voice.  Nur and I were thrown at each other. I didn't know Nur.  And more importantly, he didn't know me.  Through this though, I've learned to not be so hard on myself.  I can't control the emotions I feel.  Until someone walks in my shoes, and has experienced what I've experienced, no one can just me.  I've even quit judging myself. I've learned grace. 

I am in love with Nur.  It wasn't immediate.  I'm sorry.  It just wasn't.  Not only am I in love with him, but everyday, I feel like our bond is getting stronger.  Is my bond the same as it was for TT after 3 and a half months?  No.  It just isn't.  It's different.  It just is.  This weekend though, T and I brought Nur to his first gym session.  It's a class for kids, 10 months old to 18 months old and they play and learn.  Well, T was holding Nur's hand, and helping him walk.  They were walking around a parachute as a song was playing in the background.  I was holding TT off in the distance, watching this activity.  As T and Nur walked around in circles with the other parents and children, everytime Nur would pass me, he would smile and look at me, and shake with pure joy and excitement.  And there I was, sitting with TT on my lap, and tears in my eyes.  This was my son.  At his first gym session in the US.  There was my Ethiopian boy hanging onto his Baba's hand, hanging out with little kids, smiling at his Mama and his sissy.  I couldn't believe the emotions that came over me in that moment. 

This is my family.  We're not perfect. I'm not proud of every emotion I have.  But Nur is my son. Just as much as TT is my daughter.  And although the road with him and emotions and bonding has been a little longer, I do love him.  I am in love with him.  And in the 3 and a half months that I've known Nur, my love has grown, and I never want to imagine a life where he isn't my son.

I wanted to post this because so many adoptive parents beat themselves up.  But the truth is, is we don't know how we'll react to our children.  But give it time.  Because if the love doesn't overwhelm you immediately, I have no doubt that it will overwhelm you eventually.

Because I am overwhelmingly in love with my children.  Both of them.