Saying Goodbye to 2009

It's been a year. Full of so many wonderful memories, so many learning opportunities, and so much growth. It was also a year that had moments of sadness, loss, and heartache. It's a year I lived as fully as I could, and I had many memories I will cherish for the rest of my life.

It was a year that brought together family. The older I get, the more I appreciate these people.




It was a year that I felt honored to watch my sister marry her soulmate.


It was a year of learning how to smile through the pain. To get out and be young and enjoy ourselves, even when my heart was breaking on the inside.


It was a year spending time at my favorite place on earth, doing what gives me peace.


It was a year discovering new lands and new people.


It was a year to welcome a new member into the family. . . My niece and goddaughter.


It was a year for dreams to come true, and for paperwork to be finished.


It was also a year of renewed hope.





It was a year of goodbyes, and "see you laters."



And in that goodbye, it was a reminder to live life to the fullest. To smile when your world is crumbling around you. To appreciate each and every moment, because every moment is a gift. It was a reminder to be kind to people, to always let them know how much you love and appreciate them, and to never take people and relationships for granted.


I wish you all a wonderful new year. I hope it is a year that brings you hope and happiness. I hope it is a year that will bring you healing and peace. I hope it is a year where all of your dreams come true.

You have questions? I have answers

A few people have emailed me and written questions in the comment section, so I thought I would take this opportunity to answer them the best I can.

Does your agency allow you to adopt while pregnant?
Yes, and I feel so fortunate that they do! The country we are adopting from doesn't have any restrictions on being pregnant while adopting. We knew that going in, but many agencies have restrictions regardless of the country's restrictions. We feel very fortunate that our agency doesn't have those restrictions. So, the adoption can proceed as normal. And as far as I know, the original timing we were quoted won't change due to the pregnancy.

Will any adoption updates be needed due to the adoption?
I just heard from our agency today that we will need to update our homestudy, and send those papers to Custom and Immigration. This won't delay anything thankfully.

Will you still travel to the foreign country?
It is looking unlikely, and I'm very sad about it. :-( Unfortunately with adoption, we don't know when we'll get our referral, and then after that, we don't know when we'll travel. I'm due July 7th, so I wouldn't be able to travel much before that for obvious reasons. Besides the fact that I don't want to deliver a baby on a plane or in the foreign country, I also won't be able to receive the vaccinations needed to travel to that country. And if we are to travel right after my due date, there will be some healing necessary and things like that. Really, the only way I'll be able to travel is if the referral comes a few months after delivery. That way, I could leave the baby with the grandparents or something. We've already made alternate arrangements however, and if I can't travel, my Mom and T's Mom will travel with him to pick up our son. (goosebumps!)

Isn't there any way you could stop, or at least delay the adoption?
Sure, we could stop right now. If we wanted. Or we could delay it, although we would have paperwork that would expire that we would have to pay for all over again. Here's the thing. We don't want to delay this. This baby boy who we've never met, and who may not even be born yet is part of our family. We love him. . . to pieces. No differently than we love lil monkey in my belly. (yes, we are calling the belly baby lil monkey) I've mentioned this before here, but we've ALWAYS wanted to adopt. Sure, it wasn't our plan to do this all at once, but we were never in control of that plan anyway. Stopping the adoption was never an option for us. It didn't once run through our minds. Not once. Do you want to know just how much I love my husband? When I told him that I was pregnant, one of his first comments (after asking me if this was a sick joke of course) was that we were going to have two little babies. Not once did we think any differently. Not once have we seen adoption as second choice.

How close will the babies be in age?
We aren't really sure. T and I have been thinking that Monkey will be born sometime this winter. Of course, this is nothing but a guess. But based on the timing the agency quoted to us, we think monkey will be a winter baby. Because of that, we think monkey will be older than lil monkey. And with that being said, we are guessing I'll deliver lil monkey before we have monkey home with us Confused yet? So are we!!! I spent hours on Christmas trying to explain this to people, and the truth is, is that we really just don't know. What we do know is that we'll have two babies, very close in age. So close in age that they'll probably be in the same grade. If I had to venture a guess, I would say these babies will be 4-5 months apart. And yes, I'm overwhelmed with that thought! ;-)

How far along are you, and how long have you known?
I am 13 weeks today. I put a little ticker thingy at the bottom of this blog. I found out I was pregnant in October. To be honest, I'm not sure why I even tested. I guess I tested because I had one laying around. I got up for work, and thought. . . why not. I had been feeling really tired, and my blood sugar felt low if I waited too long to eat, but besides that, I had no symptoms what so ever. Imagine my shock when I saw a positive test! It's been hard for me to not say anything, but the last year has given me a huge vision of reality, and I know all that can go wrong. I know things can still go wrong, but my tummy is getting big, so I figured I had to tell sooner or later. ;-)

These events have just once again proven to me that I am SO not in control of any of this. I'm just along for the ride. :-D

Feel free to leave any questions you may have in the comment section. I'd love to answer anyone's elses questions if I haven't answered them already.

Still Breathing

I know my 2009 in Review post was a bit vague. I could tell from the comments that people were wondering if they had missed anything. No, nothing missed. I've known for a little while, but was waiting to get to the right point to say it out loud.

I have so many thoughts running through my head, I don't think I could properly articulate exactly how I'm feeling. T and I kept it fairly quiet because we needed to process the emotions on our own first. The emotions still aren't processed. I'm still waiting to wake up to find out this is some big joke. Actually, when I told Taher the news after testing, those were his sentiments exactly. "Is this a sick joke?"

To be honest, I'm not sure why I tested in the first place. Taher and I completed our last infertility treatment on July 11th. The same day, my beautiful aunt was diagnosed with brain cancer. My treatment didn't work, and neither did the treatment my aunt received. She passed away peacefully on December26th. My heart is sad, yet here I am, expecting two little ones. The circle of life.

After the failed treatment in July, I threw in the towel. Some would call it giving up, but I called it moving on. I needed to move on to feel better. And I did feel better. T kept telling me that he had a feeling we would someday have a biological child. I always told him I didn't believe it, and that I was fine with it. And you know what? I didn't believe it. And. . . I was mostly fine with it.

During all of the adoption interviews, I was asked many times if my infertility was resolved. What a stupid question. The truth is, infertility is never resolved. Ever. Some women keep trying forever, some move on. But no one gets over it. During all of my struggles, I went to a counselor who specialized in infertility. Our first meeting she told me that she too struggled to get pregnant. She didn't say anything more about it, and I didn't ask her. The next time we met, she mentioned that she never told me how her story ended. Well, her story ended with her never getting pregnant and adopting two children. She told me to this day, that not getting pregnant was and always will be the biggest disappointment in her life.

So, was my infertility resolved? No.

Someday I want to share the story of how I found out, and what this means for our life and adoption, but right now, I just want to say to those still hurting, I am here for you. In any way I can be. A part of me is so happy, but a part of me is so sad. I remember the pregnancy announcements. I also remember people in the infertility community getting pregnant, and basically disappearing now that there dream came true. That won't be me. The past year and a half have shaped me in more ways that I can say. I have met some of the most amazing women in the world. . . women who also dealt with this, and are still dealing with this. Some day I hope to write about the emotions surrounding infertility, how it affects relationships, how it effects your self-esteem.

Right now though, I just want you to know. . . you're not alone. And there is hope. My wish for everyone in the coming year is that everyone can be at peace with the uncontrollable circumstances in their lives.

2009 in Review

Taher and I were sitting around the other day, and he mentioned that he can't wait until 2009 is over with. I was surprised to hear that. I thought it was a good year, and I told Taher that. Taher couldn't believe that I thought it was a good year. . . afterall, it was a year that tested and tried us more than any other year. Yet I still think it was a GREAT year. Here we are, at the end of it, and we are sitting in our cozy living room having a conversation about it. We have our health and we're happy.

I was surprised that Taher and I saw our year so differently. I have excellent memory. It isn't as if I have forgotten about the year we've been through. I haven't. But I think when you're faced with adversity, it gives you the greatest opportunity to truly shine. And this year was full of adversity.

The year started off with Taher and I seeking help from an infertility Doctor after not being able to conceive for almost a year.

Then the year involved us hearing from a Doctor that we are "healthy" and we have no "known" issues.

The year continued with Taher and I trying a few expensive and invasive medical tests and procedures. Many tears were shed when we continued to get the disappointing news that the medical procedures did not work.

The year involved our Doctor telling us that there is really nothing more that he can do for us, unless of course we want to spent obscene amounts of money for more medical procedures.

The year involved changing visions. It involved a lot of sadness, and a lot of healing. It also involved a lot of acceptance, and a lot of letting go.

It is not an exaggeration when I say it was the most difficult year I've ever experienced. The entire year was a rollercoaster of emotions. I was giving myself 6 shots a day at one point in the year, only to have the procedure fail.

The year tested the strength of our marriage, over and over again, but if anything, the pain we were feeling helped us to rely on each other even more.

The best part of the year was when I decided that my happy ending was going to look very differently than I had originally thought. My happy ending wasn't going to involve me getting pregnant. Instead, my happy ending would be choosing to move on. And that's just what I did.

After our last failed treatment in July, I spent a few days crying and feeling sorry for myself, and then I picked myself up and vowed never to look back. I vowed not to be sad about circumstances that I had no control over. I was not going to be sad for one more day about the fact that Taher and I wouldn't have biological children, or that people were getting pregnant around me left and right, or about the fact that our family would look very differently than most. I was going to be happy.

I began healing.

In the meantime, Taher and I were already deep into the adoption process. Something we have ALWAYS wanted to do. . . long before we had the knowledge that we would have difficulty conceiving.

2009 will always be the year that I chose happiness, and that Taher and I chose adoption. How could that ever be considered a bad year?

I can't remember a year with more opportunity for growth. I also can't remember a year where I shed so many tears. But the tears taught me so much. I would never take back the tears. Because without them, I wouldn't have had so much growth.

At the end of 2009, out of the blue, I decided to take a pregnancy test. The 100th or so pregnancy test I took in 2009. I was fully expecting the same result I've always seen, but this time was different. This time, I saw the most beautifully positive pregnancy test I ever laid my eyes on.

Yes, 2009 was the year that Taher and I realized that we weren't expecting one child. . . we were expecting two. 2009 was the year that my dream of always having a child biologically, as well as adopting a child came true.

So, I will have to very respectfully disagree with my husband when I say, 2009 was one of the best years of my entire life.

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone is enjoying a day spent with friends and family.

Adopting from South Korea

Rachel, at Hunt for Rachel was also kind enough to do a guest post on adopting from South Korea. Go check out her blog. Her son melts my heart! Thank you so much Rachel for writing this beautiful post.

Choosing international over domestic adoption was a pretty easy choice for us. We don't know why exactly, but we just knew that international was right for our family. We were open to adopting from any country when we first started looking into the process, and we actually chose an agency to work with before choosing a country, rather than finding an agency that would help us adopt from a specific country.

We read through all of their information about all of the countries they worked with, and quickly realized that we did not meet the criteria for all of the countries (for example, for some of the countries we were not old enough, for some of them we had not been married long enough, etc.) so that really narrowed down our choices. We looked at the countries we did fit into and started to seriously consider which we thought was best for our family.

For us, it came down to Ethiopia or South Korea. We prayed and talked and prayed some more, and for some reason (well, we know the reason now - his name is Matthew!) our hearts continued to be drawn to South Korea. We liked how predictable the process seemed to be (though we knew that it could change or things could happen after we started an adoption) since the program had been in place with our agency for many years. The timeline when we first started seemed SO long, but looking back now we know that everything happened exactly as it needed to for us to end up with our precious son.

Cost was also a factor in our decision, although we tried really hard not to make that the only factor, knowing that God would provide (and He did, in ways we never imagined!). South Korea seemed to be on the lower end or maybe the middle of the spectrum as far as cost (compared to other countries our agency worked with).

Overall, as I look back now I can see that God truly led us to South Korea, not through some flashing neon sign (although we would have liked that at the time!) but rather through prayer and discussion and making logical decisions about what was best for our family.

We now sometimes wonder where our next baby will be... :)

What is Christmas to you?

Ever since Thanksgiving, I have heard so many conversations about preparing for Christmas. People have been shopping for Christmas gifts for months, and whenever I am asked if I've started Christmas shopping yet, and the person on the other end of the question hears no, they are always shocked.

But I only have one person to buy a gift for this year, and that will take what? A 10 minute stop at a store? I have felt no urgency in starting early. The day before Christmas will be just fine.

A couple of years ago, my family all sat around my parent's house and took turns opening presents. It took more than an hour to finish opening all the gifts. We all received about 10 gifts each. We all spent money we didn't have, and we all received an access of gifts that we simply didn't need. After we were all finished, my Dad made a comment that this was OBSCENE. We vowed the next year we would draw names, and we did. And this year, we kept up with that tradition. We all drew one name. Simple. Affordable. And it kept the focus on what's important.

Taher and I always exchanged gifts though, regardless of the name drawing. Taher always spoiled me beyond belief with what he would get me. This year, when he asked what I wanted, I said nothing. And I truly meant it. I look around my house, and I already have too much stuff. I look in my closet, and I already have too many clothes and shoes. Not only is there nothing that I need, I realized there is also nothing that I want. I have it all. I truly do.

Christmas means different things to different people, and through the years, Christmas means something different to me. Christmas is more than the birth of Christ to me, because I think Christmas can be celebrated by everyone. . . not just those that consider Jesus to be their god.

To me, Christmas is about looking around you, and deciding what you can do for others. It is about finding peace in your own life, and committing deeds of unselfishness to others. Christmas isn't about buying and receiving a ton of presents, it is about looking around you and sharing the wealth. Christmas is about forgiveness and moving on. It's about healing, meditation, choosing happiness, and reaching out to others.

What is Christmas to you?

Adopting Domestically

Here is a post from Debbie, at Always and Forever Family. Debbie and her husband adopted domestically, and she provides some insight on that experience. Thanks so much for writing this guest post for me Debbie. I really appreciate it. :-D

I remember telling someone that I didn't think I could do a domestic adoption because it feels more real, like you are taking someones child. You see we originally started out wanting to adopt a toddler boy from Russia. For nearly two years we dreamed of that blond hair, blue eye little boy. We were just waiting to be able to submit our dossier. But God had some other plans for us. After waiting nearly two years we decided to pull out of the Russia program and go domestic and now we have our beautiful brown skinned girl at home with us.

It wasn't an easy choice though. We were scared. We were scared of the birth parents more then anything. That's one of the reasons we picked Russia. But our hearts began to change and we started to learn a little more about domestic adoption. We decided that we would stick with our agency and just join their domestic program. Only problem was they only did open adoptions. But we had already paid what was more then half of the domestic fees by that point with our Russian adoption so we knew we couldn't leave the agency. We knew we needed to learn and become comfortable with it.

We attended the workshop and seminar. We read books and attended monthly meetings with our agency. All the while we were learning the benefits of domestic open adoption. We learned that it really is best for the child. That if we can provide the answers that many adoptees have just by getting over our own fears of birthparents then it is well worth it.

It was learning those benefits and also knowing that we would gain so much adopting domestically (like medical history and at the very least the name of the birth parents) that made us decide to adopt domestically.

My advice to anyone considering domestic adoption:

• Patience: Once you submit your profile you no longer have any control at all. In most international adoptions you are on a waiting list. Doesn't generally work that way with domestic, unless the birthmom doesn't take part in choosing, even with semi-open adoptions.

• Understanding: That even when you are told you weren't chosen but someone else was that their dreams just came true and yours will to when the time is right. The first no is always the hardest. But for me after that first no I was able to let go a little of the control I wanted to have realizing then that I had none.

• Compassionate understanding: When you are told an expectant mother (she's not a birthmom until she's relinquished her rights) will be looking at your profile that it's very hard on her. Pray for her while you wait to hear what her decision is.

• Trust: If you enter into an open adoption, trust your child's birthparent.

Other adoption advice I would give regardless of where you adopt from is to have a few people that have adopted close to you that you can talk to when you are having a bad day. That's what makes the bloggy world such a great place.

Merry Christmas

Taher and I never send out Christmas cards. . . or Christmas letters. I always figured that would be something we do when we have adorable children to show off. So next year, I have high hopes for a real, paper Christmas card. But this year, this will have to do! If you happen to stop by my blog and read the Christmas letter, be sure to leave a comment so I know you stopped by. :-D

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanza. . . Merry EVERYTHING!

2009 was a great year for Taher and I. We have so much to be grateful for in our lives, and mainly, we are grateful for our health. This year, we started to appreciate our health even more so than usual after watching a loved one get sick. It once again made us realize how important each day is.

We are also very grateful for employment. Taher spent the majority of his year as a contractor, and we knew his contract was going to end in September, and we feared we would have a period of unemployment. Luckily, Taher received a few job offers, and is now working full time. He really enjoys having paid days off, which wasn't something he had as a contractor.

2009 was also a year of realizing dreams. Taher and I have always dreamed of adopting a child, and this year, we took the steps to make that dream a reality! We found an agency, completed our homestudy, completed the many background checks required, completed our international paperwork, and we are now officially on the wait list. Taher and I are hopeful that this time next year, we will be parents. Taher and I are so at peace with adopting, and we love to sit around and dream abou the child that will become ours. We are truly blessed.

Taher and I also celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary this year, and I turned 30. Both of these joyous occassions deserved a vacation, so Taher and I packed our bags and headed to Ireland for a week to stay with our relatives. We had a wonderful time visiting a new country. I've truly never seen a more beautiful place. . . and I've been to a lot of places. Our relatives were extremely hospitable, as always, and we were sad to go. But we came back, feeling refreshed, and ready to take on the world.

We also had the joy of our new, beautiful niece entering the world. We love her to pieces, and are so grateful for her presence in this world. S and R are wonderful parents, and we can learn a lot from them as we are on our path to parenthood.

I hope all of you had a wonderful 2009 as well. I wish you a lot of peace and happiness in the coming year!

Love,
Leah and Taher

2009 is Quickly Coming to a Close

It's almost 2010. Can you believe it?

Towards the end of every year, I become more reflective than usual. For the rest of the year, my posts will be about looking back, and looking forward.

This is a post I wrote as 2008 was coming to a close, and 2009 was upon us. I look forward to sharing a post soon about what was accomplished in 2009. . . because I had real, tangible goals I was working towards, and I'm satisfied by what I accomplished.

But here is what I wrote a year ago.

Happy 2009 everyone! I hope you have a very wonderful year! A year filled with loved ones, health, happiness, and appreciation.

I'm a huge fan of New Year's resolutions. Last year on New Year's Eve, I sat on the couch with Taher, in a lot of pain. 2 days prior, I had a tonsillectomy, which I must say, is a very painful surgery for adults. I was absolutely miserable, I was so drugged up so the pain could be bearable, and I was groggy because of the pain meds. I'm pretty sure I went to bed well before midnight that night, and because of my sickness, I spent no time on my resolutions at all. I stayed sick for about 2 weeks, and by that time, I felt like it was too late for resolutions, so I made none. And as I look back on 2008, I realize how unfocused the year was. I can't say it was a bad year. I had many wonderful times with my loved ones, I'm healthy, my family is healthy, and really, that is all a person can ask for. But at the same time, I feel like I lived much of the year in a fog. I didn't make any goals, I spent much of the year wanting things I don't have, but putting in no effort to get them, and I spent plenty of time looking inwardly on my life, and wishing some things could be different.

2009 WILL be different. I've already spent some time writing out my resolutions, and I look forward to working on them throughout the year, and working on bettering myself. I also look forward to being an active participant in my life. BE PRESENT. I love that quote, and in 2008, I rarely felt present, but this year will be different. I am filled with hope for the things to come.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! May 2009 bring you everything your heart desires. :-D

Adopting from South Korea

Here is the second installment of guest posts on my blog. I would like to thank Amy, from the blog A Quiet Heart, for doing a guest post on the decision to adopt from South Korea. Amy, thanks so much for taking the time to write this. :-D

Hello to all of Leah's readers!! I'm so excited to tell you a little about our adoption decision. We have spent the last year and a half contemplating adoption. It's always been something we thought we would like to do and after journeying through infertility since 2005 we finally (in October) just took a step of faith and decided to go ahead with it. We are thrilled to be in the beginning stages of adopting from South Korea.

One of the first questions we've heard from everyone who hears our news is: Why Korea? Well, we researched a lot of different countries and Korea just had a lot of qualities that we liked and felt like a good fit for us. The main reason was definitely that the majority of the children are in foster homes and not orphanages. We love the idea that our child will have already experienced a loving home and family. We feel this will make a difference in our child's adjustment to us and his/her development.

Secondly, Korea has a very good reputation in the international adoption world and is known for its consistency over the years. It also has a relatively shorter wait time than some countries. Another aspect we liked was that the travel is only a one-time trip of 4-7 days. You also have the choice to have your child escorted to the U.S., but we really want to take the trip to be united with our child, meet his/her foster family, and see Korea. We have chosen to adopt a special needs child and Korea seems to have excellent medical care and will give us a detailed medical history of our child.

Just like Emily said in her post about Ethiopia, I have always visualized us adopting an Asian child. I really don't know why but whenever we would talk about it I just somehow knew that our child would be Asian. I think adoption has been in our hearts even longer than either of us realized. It's been a huge step (and still is!) but we have no doubt that we are doing exactly what we should and that this is God's perfect plan for us!

Adopting from Ethiopia

This is the first guest post on the process of choosing a country to adopt from. Thank you SO much Emily for writing this. You should all go check out her blog, Our Little Buster. Emily is a fabulous woman, and I'm so excited for her and her husband and their adoption process.

“Why Ethiopia?”

It is certainly a question we get asked frequently and is one of the harder questions about our adoption to wrap up into a succinct answer. I would like to say that all of the reasons were romantic and beautiful, but that wouldn’t be honest. When my husband, Damon, and I first started investigating adoption there were several factors that we felt we needed to consider. For example, as unfortunate as it is to admit we had to think about the cost, the length of the process and travel requirements. It is expensive and time consuming no matter what, but some countries require two trips and their country fees are higher so we had to think about all of that. I also knew that I didn’t have it in me to wait for years and years just for a referral so I was hopeful we could find a country with more reasonable wait times. I think some people pick the country and then search for agencies that facilitate adoptions in that particular country.

However, we ended up landing on an agency first and then deciding based on the options they had. We had heard a lot of good things about Gladney and we felt very strongly about picking an agency with proven experience and strong ethics. When we had the agency determined we just needed to figure out what country.

We had been thinking about adoption for a while. Even before we started any serious research, whenever I visualized myself adopting it was always from Africa. I wasn’t even sure if it was possible, but when I would daydream about it the child was always from Africa. I am not sure if that is because Damon’s father is African-American so it seemed like a good fit for us or what? If you read my blog then you have heard this story, but it was a defining moment in our process. One day I came home from work and Damon told me he had been doing further research into countries where Gladney facilitates adoptions. He told me had a video he wanted me to watch and he warned me that it made him a little teary. I knew that it was a big deal because he is not one to show emotions. It was a video on Gladney’s website of a young couple’s trip to Ethiopia and there were lots of shots of the capital where they stayed. Then they took a trip to see where their son was found. At the end of the video they are in a room waiting and eventually they are introduced to their son for the first time. I just had tears streaming down my face and realized I just watched them become a family. It was very overwhelming. I looked up at Damon and he told me that he wanted to adopt from Ethiopia. It was a moment I will never forget. Damon said that he was just feeling this pull towards Ethiopia, but thought we should wait a few days and just make sure. We both admitted to each other a few days later that when we went to bed we were thinking about Ethiopia and when we woke up in the morning we were thinking about Ethiopia and when we were getting a glass of water we were thinking about Ethiopia. We knew then it was time to recognize what was on our hearts and it was time to act. That night we filled out the online application.

I truly felt such peace with our decision. So much of adoption and actually parenthood in general is such a leap of faith. You make the decisions to the best of your ability and then just have to go for it. What shocks me is how I have gone from hardly ever thinking about Ethiopia nine months ago to thinking about it all the time. My world view has totally changed and Ethiopia plays a factor in so much of what I do from Christmas shopping to internet surfing to daydreaming, etc. I am so grateful to be on this journey and to be forever connected to Ethiopia.

Updates. . . All Around

Adoption:
T and I have been on the waitlist a little over a month. (See our cool little ticker at the bottom of this blog) That means we can expect another 3-5 months before a referral. Although, I have to be honest. . . I'm not holding my breath to that timeline. Things with adoption change SO much.

I have no idea where we are on the "list" with our agency. I'm thinking once we hit 4 months, I'll probably ask the agency where we are on the waitlist. Some bigger agencies provide that information, but ours doesn't. So, we will truly be surprised when we get that call.

Adoption Community:
I've recently gotten in touch with some people who are using the same agency as T and I. It's great to be building a community of other adoptive parents.

Tonight I'm getting together with a local woman that our agency put us in touch with. We are not only using the same placing agency, but we are also using the same local agency, AND are adopting from the same country. Can't wait to meet her and have local people going through the same thing. And it's possible that our future children could be in the orphanage at the same time. Very cool to think about. :-D

Life:
Is it bad that I haven't started Christmas shopping yet? Today I fully realized that Christmas is NEXT week. I should drag my butt to the mall one of these days.

Life has been extremely busy and eventful lately. I plan on doing some posts about this in the new year. For the rest of the year, I think I'll avoid the topic. :)

Bloggers:
I'm looking for guest bloggers to do a guest post on my blog about why you choose the country you did for adoption? So far, I have a lovely friend working on a piece about why she choose Ethiopia, but I'd love any other takers. Are you in the process of adopting, or have already adopted? Did you choose domestic, South Korea, Ukraine, Russia, or any other country? I'd love to have you do a guest post on my blog. Just shoot me an email or leave me a comment here.

And The Winner IS. . . . . . . .

Thank you to everyone who entered your name in the drawing. I really wish you could all win. I did the drawing the old fashioned way. . . put a bunch of names in a kitchen bowl, shook it really good, and pulled out a name. And the winner of the Flip Video is. . .

.

.

.


JACKIE!!!

Congrats Jackie! I don't have your contact information, so please send me an email at:
leah spafford @ yahoo . com

Thanks again all who entered. Tomorrow I'll return with a real post. :-D

The Drawing

Thanks all who entered the drawing!

The polls are now closed, and I will draw names either tonight, or tomorrow, and post it as soon as I do. Good luck. :-D

What is your Cause?

On Saturday evening, T and I attended a beautiful Advent Vesper's concert that our Alma Mater puts on every year at a beautiful church in downtown Minneapolis. We went with some friends, and had a wonderful time. After the concert, we went to a little French Bistro with our friends and had dinner. Afterwards, we headed back home. We had carpooled with a friend of ours whose car was parked in our driveway.

At 11:30 pm, we took the exit to our house. The exit we always take off the interstate. It was a very cold evening, and I think we were all looking forward to getting to our prospective homes and calling it a night. We pulled into the driveway, said goodbye to our friend, and enjoyed the comfort of our warm home.

A perfect evening. For us.

At 11:45, at which time I was already in my warm bed, cuddled underneath a couple layers of blankets, another family was going about their evening. The parents had just come from a funeral, and had picked up their 5 children from a friend's house. The wife was also 8 months pregnant with their 6th child.

At 11:45, 15 minutes after us, this family took the exact same exit we took off the interstate. No doubt, the exit to their home. Unfortunately, their night didn't end there. Instead of getting home safely like we had just 15 minutes prior, this family was met by a drunk driver who was going the wrong way on the exit ramp. This drunk driver hit this family, and the poor family had no time to react. Instead, the wife is in critical condition, and her 8 month old fetus is dead.

What a difference 15 minutes can make in the rest of your life. Just another reminder on how life can change in an instant.

There was a story about this family in our local paper today. They are accepting donations at any Wells Fargo's in the area. I wish I had more to give this family.

This is the season of giving. This is the season to recognize how fortunate most of us are, and to find a need and try to fulfill it as best as we can. And there is a lot of need out there.

Oh, Minnesota!

We finally got hit with our first snow storm of the winter. I say finally because in year's past, it has hit in October, which made for a really long winter. (Considering our winter lasts through March most years)Every winter, I say to myself. . . "This is my LAST MN winter!" Yet every winter, I stay. Because come April through September, the weather is beautiful. I temporarily forget about our winters.

Here was my commute home from work yesterday. (I felt comfortable taking the picture because traffic wasn't moving. . . At all)

I thought it would be fun to address some of the rumors of MN. I've heard many, and they are pretty funny.

1. Minnesotans's really aren't that good at driving in the snow. Sure, compared to my friends in Texas, we may be superior (and more experienced) but every winter, when the first snowfall comes, people completely forget how to drive in it.
2. We don't all drive trucks. Especially in the city. Sure, if you go to the smaller towns the majority of vehicles are trucks. . . but not in my city.
3. We don't all have crazy accents straight out of the movie Fargo. (Which is actually in ND my friends) But well, I'm not going to lie. . . most of us do. Me included.
4. We don't all love winter. I actually hate it. But, MN draws me in for many different reasons, winters excluded.
5. We don't all have horrible fashion. . . but again I admit. . . many do.

Someday I'll do a post about all the things to LOVE about MN. But I think I'll wait to do that until a nice warm day in June. :-D

Tis the Season

Tis the season for giving, and I'm always looking for ways to give back.

Every since beginning this blog, I have been waiting for the perfect opportunity to show my thanks and gratitude to all of you that choose to read my blog. I have been filled with thoughts, prayers, comments, ideas, and so many wonderful things from this community.

So, I want to give something to you. A chance to win a super cool flip video!

All you have to do is leave a comment under this post, and you are automatically entered in the drawing to win. The deadline is noon (central standard time) on Friday.

So, if you would like this Flip Video to be yours, leave a comment, and tell your friends.

I can't wait for one of you to win this wonderful gift.

*** Someone in my life donated this to me. I thought about doing a raffle, but decided I wanted to just do a giveaway instead. If you feel like chipping in, feel free, but it's definitely not necessary to win this wonderful prize ***

And My Gift to You

I just received a lovely blog award that I was so proud to receive. I received it from the lovely Chelle over at Baby Bean Mom. This woman that I've never met in real life is amazing. She has been constant support to me and even made a BEAUTIFUL vase for me to raffle off to raise money for our adoption. It's amazing how we can become friends with people we've never met. I often wish TX was a lot closer to MN. . . cause I am sure we would be real life friends as well. Thanks Chelle! :-D

This award is not like all of the other blog awards because we all want to not only know about you, but your opinion of your fellow bloggers. So, without further ado, I present you with the rules.

Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.
Pick 3-5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly it is you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there with and for you through thick and thin.
Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded.

That's it. Those are the rules. Now, before you think you can give the old line, "I don't want to pick anyone to pass this award onto because I don't want my readers to feel hurt if I don't pick them, so consider yourselves all tagged" I want you to realize that excuse tells all of your blog friends that you are wimping out, amongst other things. ;) Don't feel bad that you can't award everyone, the award will make its rounds and eventually everyone will get it. If you feel bad enough, you can always award more than 5 bloggers.

I decided to start this award in December because it is the season of giving and bringing cheer to others. What better way to do that than to let the people in our lives know that we cherish them.

I started blogging back in August of 2008 at a little blog I called Life According to Leah.wordpress.com. (I've now made the blog private until I decide what to do with all of my postings) I honestly cannot remember why I started blogging. I think it was an outlet for me. I was one of those bloggers without a purpose. I wrote about things that were going on in my life, I wrote about my political and religious beliefs, I wrote about my travels. Yes, my writing covered pretty much everything. But still, I always felt it lacked purpose. But now I realize that it was what led me to many wonderful bloggers so when I launched our adoption blog, I already had a following.

Without further ado, here is who I give this award to today. :-D

1. Emily at Our Little Buster. I'm not sure who reached out to whom, but we met because we are both adopting from the same country. (If you still haven't figured out my country of adoption, go check out Emily's blog) Emily and I now email each other and we have so much in common. Emily is another fellow blogger that I just know would be a wonderful friend in real life. Sometimes when we email each other, it scares me how much alike we are. Gosh this world we live in is too big sometimes! I follow Emily's blog on a daily basis and can't wait for her and her husband to get their referral. Although I've never met them, it is so obvious that they are going to make very wonderful parents.

2. Elizabeth from Bits of Sunshine. Elizabeth is one of my few in real life friends that also blogs. Her blog focuses on family life, home schooling, crafts, God, and just life in general. I enjoy reading it because it is so different than my life. I've also enjoyed being able to keep in touch via the blogworld. Once we all graduate high school and move on with our lives, and settle in different cities, it's easy to lose touch with people. So, this has been a wonderful way to keep in touch. :-D

3. Michele from My Life After Loss. This woman has been through more in her lifetime than I'v ever seen. Yet she remains resilient and full of life. And no matter what she is going through, she always makes the time to leave thoughtful comments on my post. And through blogging, I've also discovered that Michele was adopted. It is wonderful to hear the perspective of a grown adult and their views of adoption.

There are so many more, but I'm running short on time and want to get this post published. . . today sometime. :-D

No Room for Sorry

My new niece is just over a week old, and I've managed to go visit her 3 times already. She is absolutely precious. No one in my family can get enough of this beautiful, perfect, little girl.

On Saturday I had the perfect excuse to go see her. I had some gifts from my in-laws to bring to her. :-D My Mom was also in town to see her first grandchild, so I was able to spend time with my sister, my Mom, and the new baby girl in the family.

My Mom has a 1.5 hour drive to get to where we live, so on the way to my sister's, she had a phone conversation with my Grandma. My Grandma was asking my Mom was asking how I was at Thanksgiving. . . being around a new baby and all. My Mom was a bit confused by the question, and simply answered that I was fine, and so happy about my new niece. My Grandma then mentioned that she wished I could have a baby. My Mom answered that T and I are going to have a baby. . . an adopted baby. My Grandma then said, oh yes, I realize that. . . I just wish she was going to have her OWN baby.

This is not the first time I've heard comments like this. I actually hear them quite frequently. From all types of people in my life. . . from close family members to close friends. I realize that many people see adoption as second choice. But I don't.

People come to adoption in many different ways. For some couples, they decide to adopt after years of suffering from infertility, for some couples, it is a way to hand select a gender, for some, they are single, and don't want to wait to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right, for some, biological children were never an interest to them, and for others, it is a greater calling that they have. We all decide to adopt for different reasons. I hope to someday share T and I's very personal decision to adopt.

We all build families in different ways. Although T and I are building our family right now through adoption, I will still view this child as OURS. He may not have my skin complexion, or my smile, but he will be my son. And there is no sadness in that.

I am very blessed. Although life isn't always easy, and although life doesn't always go as planned, I wouldn't change a thing. I am grateful for the life I am living and the relationships in my life. And more than anything, I am so entirely grateful that I will be a Mom through adoption. I truly can't think of a better gift than that.

There are also other wonderful things happening to me and my family right now. . . things I hope to share in the coming weeks. Yes. . . I am truly blessed.

Thanksgiving Eve

There is so much to be thankful for, and I try to give thanks everyday, but the Thanksgiving Holiday really reminds me to stop and reflect on all I have to be thankful for.

A husband who is my best friend and #1 supporter
Family
A cat who greets me at the door every day when I get home from work, and sleeps with me every night.
Airplanes that take me to far away places.
Email that lets me communicate with some of my favorite people in the world on different continents.
A house with room to grow.
My health.
Adoption.
Friends.
My new and healthy niece.
A car to take me to work everyday.
A job that allows me to make money.
Indian and Thai Food.
Health Insurance. . . and someday I hope everyone has it.
Big cities.
Cabin on the lake.
Education.
The blog world.
Warm summer nights.
Thunderstorms.
Heat during the cold winter months.
My camera.
401K.
Music.
Laughter.
Tomato Soup.

And so much more.

Find my Family

Last night I was laying in bed, watching Dancing with the Stars. When it ended, I didn't turn the TV off fast enough, and quickly got sucked into a show called Find my Family that ABC was airing. I had no intention of watching it, as I thought bed sounded more appealing, but I quickly got sucked in, and spent the next 30 minutes with tears running down my face.

Find my Family is a show about adoption. It tells both sides of the story. . . The birth families who gave up the child for adoption, as well as the adoptive child's side. Last night's story was beautiful. A 16 year old girl got pregnant, and she and her partner realized that they couldn't provide for their child, so they gave their daughter up for adoption. This young couple ended up getting married and having 3 more children, so the daughter they gave up had 3 biological siblings.

What was amazing to me, is the adoptive child (now a 30 year old woman) had no animosity towards her birth parents. Instead, this woman was raised with love in her home, and she and her parents often prayed for her birth parents.

Before T and I looked into adoption, I didn't realize people had mixed feelings about it. I always assumed that everyone thought adoption was a good thing. I was wrong. There are many people out there who belittle birth mom's for giving up a child for adoption, and have nasty comments towards adoptive parents who are looking for alternate ways to start a family.

There are so many mixed opinions out there, but I still think adoption is a wonderful thing. I think birth parents who make the decision to give a child up for adoption are the most selfless people this world has to offer. They don't make the decision out of abandonment. They make the decision out of love.

I look forward to watching this show as I think it is a beautiful depiction of what adoption is truly about.

Catch Up On Our Story

It was January 2008, and T and I had just come back from an amazing 3 week vacation in Egypt. This is a trip we always wanted to take together, and completing it felt like we were crossing off something huge from our bucket list.

T and I always wanted children, but it was really important to us to be married for a while first. We wanted to travel, attend plays, go to museums, and live a fairly carefree life. But in January 2008, we felt ready. It was around T's 31st birthday, and we were standing in our kitchen, when we decided, we would actively try to start a family. It was a happy day. It's so funny to look back, and think about how naive I was. I was very very naive.

The first month passed, and it didn't work. I guess I wouldn't be one of those women who got pregnant the first try. No big deal. We'd keep trying. Pretty soon the second month, then the third, then the fourth. I finally decided to get serious about this trying stuff, and I went out and bought Ovulation Predictor Kits. (OPK) I also joined a couple trying to conceive (TTC) communities online, and started taking my basil body temperature. In hindsight, I wish I would have been more relaxed, but I had the tendency to control everything, and I felt a great need to control when I would get pregnant.

More months passed, and I started becoming even more worried. It wasn't so much my desire to have children now, it was more like I felt I was failing at something. I needed to succeed. It was now the fall of 2008, and T and I were quickly approaching the year point of TTC. The basic definition of infertility, is TTC for a year with no success. T and I were dangerously close to becoming official infertiles.

I decided to set up an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in my area. This was all foreign ground to me, but I thought it would be a good idea to get the ball rolling. T and I went to the Dr. together and gave him our history. He said our age will really work in our favor. (At this point, I had just turned 29, and T was 31) We had some of the basic tests done. I had an HSG, an blood work done to test my FSH levels, and both of these came back normal. T then went and had a semen analysis done, and that was normal as well. (There was a question about the morphology, but the RE assured us it was fine)

After these first basic tests, the RE gave us some options. . . we could continue trying naturally, we could take some medications and then try naturally, or we could take medications and then do an insemination. Unfortunately, patience is something I struggle with, and I wasn't willing to just wait and see. At this point, I felt like we had a long road ahead of us, so T and I decided that we would take medication and do an insemination.

I was still so naive. I figured I'd take a pill a day, create a bunch of eggs, go get an insemination, I'd be pregnant, and all of this would be behind me. Yes, very naive. I did take the pills, and I created a nice looking egg, we had the insemination, and then we waited two weeks to find the results. It was a couple of days before Christmas, and I woke up early on test day and went to the bathroom to find out my fate. One stark pink line. Not pregnant. T was so supportive and held me as I cried. It was a very difficult Christmas, and for the first time since our journey began, I was really realizing just how long of a road this could be.

T and I went back to the RE, and he suggested we try the same protocol one more time. So we did, and again, I didn't get pregnant. Our RE then suggested that I take some injectable medications that will help me create even more eggs, and then do an insemination. He was nervous to take that route, because of the high risk of multiple pregnancies. I was also a little nervous about the possibility of multiples. Oh. . . naive me.

It was about March or April at this time, and we were in the process of our third insemination. Every day, I gave myself a shot in the tummy, and then I went and got monitored to see how my eggs were growing. I ended up growing 3 nice eggs. We did the insemination, and again, waited the two weeks. Two weeks later, I took another pregnancy test, and saw another negative result. At this point, I was pretty sure I would never see a positive test. Ever. I had already taken about 10 tests at this point, and all were very negative.

T and I then took a little time to regroup and decide what to do next. Our future was looking bleak. We met with our RE again to discuss next steps. According to him, if someone doesn't get pregnant after 3 inseminations, their chance is really low that it will ever work. He also stated that because it had already taken us so long to get pregnant, that our chances were about 1% each cycle. Not good odds.

I then asked him directly, if he was in our situation, what would he do? He told both T and I that he would go directly to IVF. It is a lot more expensive, but it yields the best results and it would be our best (and perhaps) only hope, in having biological children.

IVF was a scary option to me. Not because of the medical aspect of it, but because of the scary price tag, and because it was a last resort. Because of the cost, we would only be able to try once, maybe twice. If it didn't work, that would be it. Our dream of having a biological child would be gone.

T and I aren't the wait and see kind of people. We had a long discussion, and decided that we both wanted to move forward with IVF. So, the spring of 2009, we did our first IVF cycle. Because of my age at the time, 29, the Dr. put me on a fairly low dose of medication. He was sure if my dose was too high, I would overstimulate, which is extremely dangerous. So every morning I gave myself 3 shots. And then every evening, I gave myself 2 more shots, one of which T had to administer to me in my muscle. Every two days or so, I would go to the Dr. and have an ultrasound to monitor my eggs. Unfortunately, my eggs weren't growing hardly at all. Many women create 10-20 eggs. I had 4-5. I had my eggs retrieved, and out of all of those eggs, only 1 fertilized properly.

T and I showed up the day of the transfer, and the embryologist informed us that the egg that did fertilize isn't growing well at all, and is extremely poor quality. The RE then came in and said if he were us, he would save his money and not even do the transfer. So, our first IVF was officially over, and we didn't even finish it.

T and I headed to the cabin (It was Memorial Weekend) and hung out with my family, including my newly pregnant sister. The pain was so present. It was always so present.

We decided to get a second opinion at this point. We went to the clinic in our state that has the best record of successful IVF's. We had all of our charts sent to this clinic, and met with a Dr. She went through our charts, and suggested the reason we weren't getting pregnant was my poor quality eggs. Up until this point, I hadn't heard anyone mention my eggs were bad. Yes, this was new to me. We really liked this clinic, and felt like this is the place that could help us. Unfortunately, it was also the most expensive reproductive clinic in the state, and we couldn't afford it. I left feeling sad that finances could possibly control whether or not we have biological children.

So, we headed to our original clinic, and started IVF #2. This time, the RE increased my meds, and he thought that would make all the difference. He also increased the amount of times I administered the drugs, so at this point, I was taking 6 shots a day. Things seemed to be going better however, My eggs were growing, and the nurse thought I could potentially have 15 eggs this cycle. 15! I was so happy and relieved.

The day of retrieval was July 11th, 2009. I woke up from anesthesia to ask T how many eggs were retrieved. He looked sad. I was groggy. I wasn't thinking straight. He said 6 eggs, but only 1 was mature. 1. At the last minute the Dr. had changed my dose, so my body was unfortunately full of immature eggs. I remember laying in the recover room, trying to rip the IV out of my hand. I was crying hysterically. I should have been embarrassed, but I was too drugged to be embarrassed. Finally, they released me, and T and I walked out of the clinic with me sobbing.

Miraculously, 2 of those eggs fertilized, and 3 days later, I came back for a transfer. I was able to see two embryos (our babies!) under the microscope. They were put in me, and then we waited the two weeks to find out if I was pregnant or not.

Two weeks later, I had my blood drawn to see if I was pregnant. That afternoon, the nurse gave me a call at work. Not pregnant. I wasn't surprised, just sad.

After spending a few days mourning this, T and I sat down, and decided we were both ready to move on. Infertility is a rollercoaster. It is extremely up and down, and it was taking a toll on us emotionally. We were ready to be happy again. We hadn't been happy in so long.

It was at this point, that we realized, more than anything, we wanted to be parents. Sure, we'd always be sad not knowing what a little T and Leah looks like, but more importantly, we wanted a family. We wanted to parent together. We decided to be done with infertility treatments the rest of our lives and to put 100% of ourselves into adopting a child.

We quickly decided that international adoption was best for our family, and on June 25th, 2009 (which was actually before we were done with our final IVF) we submitted our application to adopt. The next few months were busy having home studies done, filling out a ton of paperwork regarding our health and finances, and things of that nature.

On October 26th, we mailed our Dossier to Ethiopia, which meant we had completed all of our paperwork, and now just had to wait until we got placed with a child.

Life was feeling really good and settled. T and I were on our way to becoming parents, and we felt happy about our path. I knew it would always be my biggest disappointment in life not being able to conceive, but I was trying to come to peace with that. . . as much as that is possible.

On October 30th, a Friday, I woke up for work at 6am. . . Just like I do every day. Ever since my last treatment in July, my cycles had been really off, and it occurred to me that I hadn't gotten a period in a while. I had a pregnancy test leftover, and decided to take it. I wish I could articulate why I took a test, but I really don't know. I wasn't having any symptoms. I wasn't sick. And although I may have been late, I didn't really know because I had quit keeping track. A part of me just felt like taking a test, so I took it.

Up until this moment, I had taken many tests. MANY. And all yield the same results. Imagine my shock and surprise when I saw a positive pregnancy test. I couldn't believe it. One would think that my initial reaction was joy, but it was more completely horror. What the heck? I just spent almost 2 years trying to have a baby. I had inseminations, IVFs, and nothing worked. And now I was pregnant?

T was still sleeping, so I woke him up, with the test in my hand, and told him I needed to talk to him. I told him that I thought I was pregnant. He sat up and asked if this was a sick joke. I showed him the test, and then he and I said OH MY GOD, no short of 100 times. We preceded to get ready for work, and neither of us allowed ourselves to get happy. False positives happen. Maybe I wasn't really pregnant?

On my way to work, I stopped at the local grocery store to buy another test to confirm it, but unfortunately the tests were under lock and key until the pharmacy opened in two hours. So, I went to work, and couldn't concentrate at all waiting for 9am. At sharply 9am, I headed to the store and bought two more tests, one digital, and one with the pink lines. I headed back to work, and went to a rarely used bathroom in my building, and took both tests. Immediately, two lines popped up on one test, and on the other test, the word Pregnant immediately popped up. This wasn't a dream. This was real.

I called T immediately and said I am definitely pregnant. We were both overjoyed. We both left work early, because we couldn't imagine being at work while all this was going on.

The next week, I went to the Dr. for bloodwork, and my HCG results showed I was definitely pregnant. A couple days after that, I went for my first ultrasound to look at the baby and date the pregnancy, as I had no idea how pregnant I was. It turns out, I was 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant that day. And I saw the little flicker of my baby's heartbeat. I cried immediately at the miracle I was experiencing. A true miracle.

So, this is the story of how T and I are expecting two little ones. We are so excited for both of them, and everyday, we remember how blessed we are by our two miracles.

Maternity Leave

I remember when I first started in the working world, pregnant women would have their babies, and then be out of the office for the next 3 months on average. I always assumed that was the company's policy. Have a baby. . . 3 months off to spend time with the baby.

I WAS WRONG!

This past week, I've been looking into maternity benefits at my company. I'm lucky in that adoption time off is handled similarily to maternity leave. It is basically the same policy. Let's just say the information I found was extremely disturbing. Here are some highlights.

1. The majority of companies in the U.S. do not offer maternity leave. Instead, they offer something that is called short-term disability. Most people can have up to 26 weeks a year of disability. However, these corporations have said that giving birth to a baby only requires 6 weeks of healing, so you will only get 6 weeks of disability.
2. The first week of disability is actually unpaid. . . so technically, a woman only received 5 weeks of disability.
3. Depending on the company you work for, only a percentage of your salary will be paid during disability. Some companies only pay 50%, and if you're lucky, your company will pay 100%.
4. If you're not ready to go back to work after 6 weeks, you can then take 6 weeks of FMLA. FMLA is the Family Medical Leave Act. Not all companies offer this. But if yours does, it allows you to take time off of work and guarantees you a job when you return. However, it is COMPLETELY unpaid.
5. Some companies don't offer anything AT ALL. No short-term disability. No FMLA. If you want time off after having a baby. . . take it unpaid or use up your vacation time. (If you have any)

Finding out this information was upsetting and disappointing to say the least. Why does a country that claims to be the best at so many things, do so little for work/family balance. My friends in Norway that have babies, get a year off. There are 3rd world countries in the world that have better maternity benefits than the U.S. does. The U.S. is in the very bottom of the pack on the benefits offered.

In my opinion, this is completely pathetic, and it must change. I'm going to bringing a child into my life, and I want this child to have a decent adjustment period. I don't want to bring this baby boy home, and just when he's getting used to T and I, ship him off to daycare. Staying home is not an option for me right now though. I wish it was, but we are a family that requires two incomes for the time being.

Something needs to change. We need to have laws in this country that allow women time to spend home with their new baby. . . whether it is via birth or adoption.

Sometimes it is so obvious to me that our country is run by men.

Life

Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.

- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

How many of us actually look at our circumstances as blessings? I always try to find the deeper meaning in my circumstances, but sometimes I get so stuck on the "why me" of my circumstances, that I can't find the good in it. I fail to find the deeper meaning in why something happened to me.

I love that quote above. I have an aunt who is ailing right now, and she is the most spiritual person I know. Have you ever met someone that when they talk to you, and look at you, they actually SEE you? Because that is my aunt. She looks into your soul when she looks at you.

I have a very favorite memory of my aunt. . . It's a memory I think of often. I was a college student, and babysitting her daughters for the day. When my aunt and uncle came back after their afternoon out, my aunt and I were left alone in the kitchen. I was in a sad place because of some circumstances in my life. I thought I was disguising my feelings, but my aunt sees things. She sees people. She asked me what was wrong, and I broke down and told her what was on my mind.

My aunt left the room, and came back with two rocks.

The pink rock represents calmness, and the purple rock represents tranquility. My aunt told me to rub these rocks anytime I needed those things in my life. (I still have these rocks today) My aunt helped me to get to a place of meditation, and when I "woke" up, I had renewed strength.

I will always remember this memory with my aunt.

We are all on our own life journeys, and it is inevitable that we will all come face to face with our mortality eventually. Knowing this somehow doesn't make loss any easier. But knowing it will help us all to prepare for our own journeys, and will help us live a more authentic life.

Thankful Tuesday

I am thankful for today.

Today, right now, is all I'm ever guaranteed.

Sometimes something so sad and tragic happens in our midst,

that it wakes us up momentarily to what is important.

It gives us perspective.

The sad thing is that our appreciation for life dwindles with time.

Something sad happens, and with time, we forget how precious

our time together is.

In time, we let arguments linger, we reduce the frequency that we say

I love you.

But today, I am thankful for the perspective that I have.

I hope that it lasts forever.

I hope that I always realize what and who is important in life.

I hope that it won't take another tragedy for me to remember.

I am so thankful for today.

Happily Overwhelmed

This weekend, T and I took on the task of starting a gift registery. It wasn't so much for upcoming showers, but more for us to keep tabs on what we want to get to prepare.

Let me tell you. . . It was an overwhelming experience! We should have taken a class on registering for a baby, because we were pretty clueless. Not only that, but registering for an adoptive child poses some additional challenges. . . like having no idea how old this child will be when he comes home.

T and I did the best we could, but I'm pretty sure our registry is not even close to being finished.

I'd love ideas from people with kids out there. Were there any baby items that you couldn't live without? I'd love to start a list.

Big Sigh of Relief

Thank you everyone for your nice comments and your congratulations on being on the waitlist. It really does feel great!

For the past 4 and a half months, T and I have been so busy with the paper chase. There was so much required paperwork that at times, I was sure we would never finish. It's almost surreal being done with it, and knowing that our Dossier is on it's way to our adoption country, where the documents will be translated into their language, and where people will start looking for the child that will fit perfectly into T and I's life. It's all very exciting.

I know our focus will also change a bit now as well. Instead of spending our time gathering documents, time can be spent getting things ready for our baby boy to come home. We have plenty of projects around the house to keep us busy, not to mention a nursery to start designing.

We can also devote our time trying to figure out how to pay for the next chunk of the adoption. Our next payment of $4,500 will be due upon referral, and well, we don't have $4,500 right now. So, lots to do in the financial planning of all of this.

I'm excited to be at this second phase of the adoption. It's a good place to be. :-D

As part of our Dossier, we had to submit photos of ourselves with family members, alone, etc. It was for the adoption country to get an idea of who we are as people, so they can match us accordingly.

Here is the collage that I put together.

Happy Friday everyone!

Wait List!!!!!!!!!!

So, I just wrote a rather boring post, and if anyone happened upon my blog the 2 minutes it was up, you can attest to how boring it was.

I rambled on about how I don't really have any updates, how I think our paperwork is still in DC, and how my brain is completely "mush" this week, and with good reason, that I will share another time.

After I submitted that sub par post, I checked my email, and I had the most wonderful email ever from our adoption agency.

Here is what it said:

Your Dossier was sent to _____ late on Wednesday! Your tracking number is ______. To follow your Dossier as it travels to _______ go to ________ or call 1-800-225-5345.

As of today you are officially waiting to be matched. The matching process generally takes between 4 to 6 months, but now that your Dossier has been submitted you could be matched at any time.

A ____ staff member will be contacting you within two weeks to schedule your next training session, Preparing for Your Referral and Travel. After your appointment has been scheduled we will send you the next packet of information, please review this information and have it with you during our next training session.

Please remember that all training sessions are scheduled Monday – Thursday starting from 10 AM – 4 PM (Pacific Standard Time.) Please schedule at least sixty to ninety minutes for this session, Preparing for your Referral and Travel.

Until you are matched ______ will primarily contact your family via email. Please let us know if you have additional questions prior to your meeting or at any time during this stage of your adoption process.

We hope that you find time to celebrate this milestone!

Take care,


I'm excited, but after reading that email, I became a bit nervous. For months this is what T and I have been working towards. Even though it's only been months, it feels like a lifetime. And I mean a LIFETIME. I called T up immediately, we both hyperventilated a bit, and then went back to what we were doing.

Today, I am thankful for adoption. I am so thankful that adoption brings families together. I am so grateful that the gift T and I are about to receive.

Thankful Tuesday

1. I am so thankful for my relationship with my parents. I love my daily calls to my Dad to tell him about my day. I Also love that he is the voice of reason when it comes to many aspects of my life. He is logical and always helps me to see situations more clearly. And I love how my Mom is always willing to help out. She is so generous and motherly. I am so thankful for my relationships with my parents.

2. I'm thankful for perspective. I'm thankful that I have the ability to see situations from all angles and really think on them, instead of acting dramatically and regretting it.

3. I am thankful for unexpected dreams. Dreams that I had given up on, but then came true. Another reminder that I'm not in control of certain situations in my life.

4. I am thankful that T is always on my side. He is my biggest supporter. He and I see eye to eye on things, and when life is falling down around me, all that matters is that he is present to go through the situation with me. Because of that, I feel a sense of calm.

5. I am so thankful for email and that it keeps me connected to dear friends thousands of miles a day. Everyday when I get an email pop up from Amanda, or Anne, or Anne Birgitte, and many others, I feel joy that distance doesn't have to seem so far. That technology can keep me in touch with those that I long to be physically closer to.