Still Breathing

I know my 2009 in Review post was a bit vague. I could tell from the comments that people were wondering if they had missed anything. No, nothing missed. I've known for a little while, but was waiting to get to the right point to say it out loud.

I have so many thoughts running through my head, I don't think I could properly articulate exactly how I'm feeling. T and I kept it fairly quiet because we needed to process the emotions on our own first. The emotions still aren't processed. I'm still waiting to wake up to find out this is some big joke. Actually, when I told Taher the news after testing, those were his sentiments exactly. "Is this a sick joke?"

To be honest, I'm not sure why I tested in the first place. Taher and I completed our last infertility treatment on July 11th. The same day, my beautiful aunt was diagnosed with brain cancer. My treatment didn't work, and neither did the treatment my aunt received. She passed away peacefully on December26th. My heart is sad, yet here I am, expecting two little ones. The circle of life.

After the failed treatment in July, I threw in the towel. Some would call it giving up, but I called it moving on. I needed to move on to feel better. And I did feel better. T kept telling me that he had a feeling we would someday have a biological child. I always told him I didn't believe it, and that I was fine with it. And you know what? I didn't believe it. And. . . I was mostly fine with it.

During all of the adoption interviews, I was asked many times if my infertility was resolved. What a stupid question. The truth is, infertility is never resolved. Ever. Some women keep trying forever, some move on. But no one gets over it. During all of my struggles, I went to a counselor who specialized in infertility. Our first meeting she told me that she too struggled to get pregnant. She didn't say anything more about it, and I didn't ask her. The next time we met, she mentioned that she never told me how her story ended. Well, her story ended with her never getting pregnant and adopting two children. She told me to this day, that not getting pregnant was and always will be the biggest disappointment in her life.

So, was my infertility resolved? No.

Someday I want to share the story of how I found out, and what this means for our life and adoption, but right now, I just want to say to those still hurting, I am here for you. In any way I can be. A part of me is so happy, but a part of me is so sad. I remember the pregnancy announcements. I also remember people in the infertility community getting pregnant, and basically disappearing now that there dream came true. That won't be me. The past year and a half have shaped me in more ways that I can say. I have met some of the most amazing women in the world. . . women who also dealt with this, and are still dealing with this. Some day I hope to write about the emotions surrounding infertility, how it affects relationships, how it effects your self-esteem.

Right now though, I just want you to know. . . you're not alone. And there is hope. My wish for everyone in the coming year is that everyone can be at peace with the uncontrollable circumstances in their lives.