Unfounded Fears

Being pregnant and adopting, I felt like I was constantly living in fear of when both babies were home.  And then after TT was born, I was in constant fear of being able to give TT enough of my time when her older brother came home.  And being able to give Nur enough time and energy when he got home.  I worried about how they would interract.  I worried about how close in age they would be. Okay, I pretty much worried about everything.

I'm so happy that these babes of mine really love each other.  T and I were actually commenting over the weekend that TT probably has no recollection of life without the Nur.  Afterall, she was only 3 months old when he came home. 

These two are truly bonded, and truly love each other.  Yesterday, TT was throwing a tantrum about something, and she was laying on her back and kicking her legs.  Nur came up to her, and patted her belly.  It was the sweetest thing ever. I also often find him patting her back. . . like he sees his mama do. It's so cute!

And over the weekend, on one of our many walks, TT patted Nur on the head in the stroller, and then Nur turned around, and they proceeded to hold hands. 

At the dinner table, they sit across from each other and "talk."  TT tries to tackle Nur a few times a day to give him hugs.  They laugh at each other and giggle. 

And I sit back and am so grateful that my fears were unfounded and that these two being siblings was the best thing for both of them. 

The Call to Adopt

For the most part, I try to keep my blog non controversial.  I wanted a "space" to talk about my growing family.  I wanted to document the path to motherhood for my children.  But. . . there are some things I feel too strongly about.  So, this is the warning. . . my below post MAY contain subject matter you do not agree with.  Be warned. :)

.
.
.
.
.

When T and I decided to adopt, many hours, days and weeks were spent researching which agency to go with.  We had many things we felt strongly about.  Our agency must be Hague Accredited, our agency must work in Ethiopia, our agency must be in excellent standing with the adoption world, and our agency must not be affiliated with religion.

Let me back up a bit.  I was raised in the Missouri Synod Lutheran Church.  I was baptized in this church as well as confirmed in this church.  I was a follower.  Mainly because it was all I knew.  I never had exposure to anything else.  After high school, I attended a Lutheran College in Minneapolis.  I was 18 years old, and up until this point, I thought Lutheran was Lutheran.  Well, the College I attended was Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, also referred to as ELCA.  It was only then I realized that the church I grew up with was not the church for me.  I don't want to simplify the sect of religion, but to put it briefly and bluntly, the Missouri Synod Lutheran Church does not allow women to be pastors.  Can you imagine me being part of an institution that in my opinion puts more value on men than women?  Or that thinks women should be in more traditional roles.  So, I said goodbye to that conservative sect, and joined the ELCA church. (Want to add if you are part of this church that is wonderful it just wasn't for me)

I am completely digressing here. 

Regardless of my Christianity, it was still important for me to find an agency that had no religious requirements.  You see. . . There are 147 million orphans in the world.  That number is astounding and incomrehensible.  I wanted to find an agency that had as few barriers between me and my child.  I didn't want religion to be a barrier.  Nor did I want any of the other restrictions that some agencies put on adoptive parents.  T and I were very happy to find the perfect agency for us.  And our agency brought us to our beautiful son.  So it all worked out for us.

T's parents are from Egypt.  They moved to the U.S. over 35 years ago.  They are Muslim and I have tried to embrace their religion.  I have read verses from the Koran, I have listened to his parents talk to me about things they think are important, I have listened to why they fast for Ramadan.  I don't agree with everything they tell me, but I respect their beliefs, and I fully realize that if I was born in Egypt, I too, would most likely be Muslim.  But I'm not.  I'm a Christian, born and raised in MN. 

Imagine my surprise when we told them we were adopting a child from Ethiopia, and they were not pleased.  You see, although I have read verses of the Koran, I've not read much, and I obviously didn't read the parts about adoption.  Muslims believe in maintaining families (so do I, but that isn't always the reality) and they believe that adoption can be a bad thing because you are taking that child from their life and their future beliefs, and changing those beliefs.  Orphans should always be raised by an extended family member. (again, great, but not always realistic)

I've thought about this a lot since beginning our adoption process.  How can a religion be against adoption? That doesn't make sense to me.  (I would also like to add that T's parents have embraced our adoption and their first grandson beautifully)

Ethiopia is approximately 50% Muslim and 50% Christian. (These are rough estimates, but are pretty close, and if anything, Ethiopia leans more heavily Christian)  K was born in a region of Ethiopia that is 95% Muslim, and K's given name is Arabic. (oh wait, the name T and I gave him is also Arabic) Is there the possibility that K's first family was Muslim?  All of a sudden, T's parent's view on adoption that is founded in their religion became more apparent to me.  No religion wants kids to be adopted and then raised in a different religion.  Imagine a child born to a Christian family being adopted by a Jewish family, and raised Jewish.  I believe there are Christians who would look down on that, no?

Again. . . I digress. 

I believe there is too much need in the adoption world to place so many restrictions on adoption.  I think if you feel called to adopt, if you have the means to raise a child, if you pass a background check and are a contributing member to society, than you should be able to adopt. 

Should same sex couples be able to adopt?  How about a Jewish couple?  How about  Muslim Couple? Hindus? Christians?

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes.

I also believe religion should never be forced anyway.  Sure, give children a foundation, but at the end of the day, it is up to them to find God.  (whatever God they choose to find)

All families look different.  And if there are people out there who want to take away the rights of others to adopt, than I challenge those people to step up and adopt themselves.  Because again. . . there are 147 million orphans in this world. . . and I think having a family, regardless of what that family looks like is always better than being raised in an orphanage.

TT - 11 Months Old

Seriously, where does the time go?  I remember checking into the hospital and giving birth to TT like it was yesterday.  And now she is ONE SHORT MONTH away from being a one year old!  (And I'm one short month away to being a parent of two one year olds! Oh vey!)

TT continues to be such a joy.  She is a total Mama's girl at the moment and I love that my baby girl loves me so much.

She is also learning so much.  She is Miss Independent, and doesn't like anyone to feed her.  Instead, she likes us to put food on her high chair tray, and she feeds herself all by herself.  She never liked jarred baby food, and now she eats everything that we eat. . . in a more mushed up texture.  She only has 2 teeth afterall!  Her favorite food right now is olives. . . or as we say in Arabic, zatoons.  She is my Egyptian girl, that's for sure!

She crawls with speed, walks along furniture, and now she is getting brave and letting go of one piece of furniture and then grabbing on to another.  This usually results in falling, but she is getting brave, and I think in the next couple of months, I'm going to have another walker on my hands!

TT is also Miss Sensitive.  Her feelings get hurt easily, and she clearly understands what NO means, and when she hears it, her bottom lip comes out, and she produces the saddest cry ever.

TT is so smart too!  She loves to do SO BIG, and she is starting to imitate noises.  Her favorite right now is when I ask her to roar like a lion, she says, "arrrrrrrrrrrrrr."  I still haven't gotten a MAMA out of her yet, but it isn't from lack of trying.  Soon I hope! :)  She also likes to clap her hands, and when I start singing, "If you're happy and you know it" she is clapping her hands right on cue.  She also loves to wave to people.  She is so much more vocal but nothing can be made out quite yet.  But I love that she is "talking" so much.

TT is starting to look so different too!  Sometimes I look at her, and I see her Egyptian side coming out so strongly these days.  TT is also our weather girl.  If she wakes up with curly hair, we know we're in for some Minnesota humidity!  Today it's supposed to be near 100 degrees. And yes, her hair was very curly this morning! :) (We don't have dry heat in Minnesota it seems)

TT is an absolute joy, and as we hit the 1 month mark until her birthday, I find myself very nostalgic.  A year passes quickly.  Just yesterday, TT was an itty-bitty newborn, who couldn't hold her head up, therefore she was in a constant cuddle position.  Now, she is way too busy to cuddle with me.  I am amazed at her being and sometimes I feel like she is my kindred spirit.

And in a state of my nostalgia. . . Here is a video of TT when she was about 4 months old.  (Ignore my annoying voice)  Everyone told me that it goes fast, and wow. . . IT GOES REALLY FAST!!! 

My Son

This beautiful boy. . . He's not a brat. 

Sure, when you come to our house, and he sees you walk through the door, he may cry, scream a little, and then run to Mama's leg and hug it.  But that doesn't make him a brat. 

And I realize. . . you've walked through our door a hundred times.  I realize Nur knows you, and still screams and runs to my leg.  It's not that he's forgotten you.  He just wants to feel comfort.  He needs to feel safe.  And right now, I am what feels safe to Nur

And sometimes my Nur will throw a tantrum for no reason whatsoever.  And sometimes, it's not the usual toddler tantrum.  Sometimes, there is so much fear behind that cry of his, that it really catches people off guard.  But again, that doesn't make Nur a brat.

And sometimes, when someone will touch his hand, in a gesture of friendship, Nur will arch his back back in protest and scream, again, catching you off guard. 

And Nur definitely is not slow.  He's 18 months old, and can understand two languages.  How many people can say that about their 18 month old child?

Nur is definitely not bratty and definitely not slow. 

Instead, Nur has experienced a lot in his short life.  I've never shared the details I know about his past, but anyone who reads knows that for 10 months, Nur lived in an orphanage and had no family present.  Who wouldn't that affect?  When babies are developing their bodies and minds, Nur wasn't being developed at all.  Nur spent a lot of time laying in a crib, and having no personal attention.  I have no doubt that his nannies were wonderful, but they weren't Mama and Baba. 

So many times when Nur acts out, I try to gently explain to family and friends that I believe this to be adoption related.  And so many times, I am met with comments that this most likely has nothing to do with adoption, and everything to do with him simply acting like a brat.  Well, I don't buy it.

10 months may be a short time in the grand scheme of most people's life, but for Nur, 10 months has been the majority of his life.  And I am not so naive to think that as soon as we brought Nur home and showed him love and attention, that all issues would disappear.  It doesn't work that way. 

For 10 months, Nur was under nourished, his nervous system was delayed due to lack of contact, he most likely had no one that he could trust to always be there for him. 

95% of the time, Nur is smiling, happy, easy going, laid back, and resiliant.  And 5% of the time, I am left almost speechless by the things I am seeing in him.  And as time goes by, I'm seeing some issues that were never discussed in my adoption classes, like sensory issues. 

I'm not making excuses for that 5%.  But I look at Nur, and I look into my son's eyes, and I know that in the first 10 months of his life, he experienced more hardships than most people face in a lifetime.  And because of that, he does deserve extra patience and extra understanding.  He is not a brat.  He is Nur.  And to this Mama. . . he is perfect.

Nur - 18 Months

Today Nur is 18 months old!  Hard to believe that I'm a parent of an 18 month old, and hard to believe that little baby I brought home from Ethiopia is losing all baby about him, and becoming a little boy!

Nur is doing great!  A couple weeks ago, he tested out of Early Intervention!  This is something we set up for him right after getting home.  We knew he was delayed in some areas due to his circumstances and thought Early Intervention would help him get caught up quickly.  Well, two weeks ago, they set him loose! They said he just isn't far enough behind in anything any more.  I'm really going to miss his therapist, who was wonderful, but I'm so happy that after 7 months of being home, Nur has made great strides!

I'm sure absolutely everyone feels like this about their child, especially those who adopted and had an agency or governing body hand select their child, but Nur WAS MEANT TO BE MY SON. I have absolutely no doubt about that.  I still believe in maintaining families, and obviously my greatest wish is that circumstances would have allowed Nur to stay with his birth parents.
Nur is a laid back little boy.  He loves playing with trucks and things with wheels, and can often be found rolling things across the floor and making "boy" noises.  Nur loves going for walks in the double stroller, and gets excited when he sees the park, and really excited when I stop and let him play at the park.  He can go down slides all by himself now, and he gets the cutest grin on his face as he sits at the top of the slide, waiting to come down. 

Nur loves playing with his sister and the two of them can often be found stealing toys from each other.  Nur has also really started to assert himself.  When he first came home, he let anyone just steal his toys.  He would get a real sad look on his face, and then crawl to me and cry.  But now, if someone (usually his sister) steals a toy, he screams and grabs it right back.  I could really do without the screaming, but I'm so proud that he is confident enough to take back what is his.  His confidence has really improved so much since October!

Nur is a great sleeper.  He goes to bed around 7pm every evening, and wakes up around 6am.  He takes one nap a day for anywhere from 2-3.5 hours.  He is becoming such a better walker, and I hardly ever see him crawl anymore.  He loves being outside.  He loves exploring too.  He's such a thinker and studier.  Nur hasn't had his 18 month appointment yet, but I can tell he's gaining weight.  These arms of mine are sore!

On Monday, Nur visits an ENT doctor, and I'm really looking forward to this appointment.  I know I've mentioned it on here before, but Nur has had a really gross runny nose since coming home in October.  But it's more than that.  I really don't think he can breathe through his nose. . . ever.  He snores loudly at night, and even wakes up gasping, which is making me think he is also dealing with sleep apnea.  He is definitely dealing with an upper respiratory "thing" and I just hope ENT is where the answers are.  I want some relief for my little boy!

There is so much more I could say about Nur  He's got a great sense of humor, he loves to snuggle, he's easy going, easy to please, and I'd have to say a really well adjusted little boy.

Happy 18 months Nur!!!