This beautiful boy. . . He's not a brat.
Sure, when you come to our house, and he sees you walk through the door, he may cry, scream a little, and then run to Mama's leg and hug it. But that doesn't make him a brat.
And I realize. . . you've walked through our door a hundred times. I realize Nur knows you, and still screams and runs to my leg. It's not that he's forgotten you. He just wants to feel comfort. He needs to feel safe. And right now, I am what feels safe to Nur
And sometimes my Nur will throw a tantrum for no reason whatsoever. And sometimes, it's not the usual toddler tantrum. Sometimes, there is so much fear behind that cry of his, that it really catches people off guard. But again, that doesn't make Nur a brat.
And sometimes, when someone will touch his hand, in a gesture of friendship, Nur will arch his back back in protest and scream, again, catching you off guard.
And Nur definitely is not slow. He's 18 months old, and can understand two languages. How many people can say that about their 18 month old child?
Nur is definitely not bratty and definitely not slow.
Instead, Nur has experienced a lot in his short life. I've never shared the details I know about his past, but anyone who reads knows that for 10 months, Nur lived in an orphanage and had no family present. Who wouldn't that affect? When babies are developing their bodies and minds, Nur wasn't being developed at all. Nur spent a lot of time laying in a crib, and having no personal attention. I have no doubt that his nannies were wonderful, but they weren't Mama and Baba.
So many times when Nur acts out, I try to gently explain to family and friends that I believe this to be adoption related. And so many times, I am met with comments that this most likely has nothing to do with adoption, and everything to do with him simply acting like a brat. Well, I don't buy it.
10 months may be a short time in the grand scheme of most people's life, but for Nur, 10 months has been the majority of his life. And I am not so naive to think that as soon as we brought Nur home and showed him love and attention, that all issues would disappear. It doesn't work that way.
For 10 months, Nur was under nourished, his nervous system was delayed due to lack of contact, he most likely had no one that he could trust to always be there for him.
95% of the time, Nur is smiling, happy, easy going, laid back, and resiliant. And 5% of the time, I am left almost speechless by the things I am seeing in him. And as time goes by, I'm seeing some issues that were never discussed in my adoption classes, like sensory issues.
I'm not making excuses for that 5%. But I look at Nur, and I look into my son's eyes, and I know that in the first 10 months of his life, he experienced more hardships than most people face in a lifetime. And because of that, he does deserve extra patience and extra understanding. He is not a brat. He is Nur. And to this Mama. . . he is perfect.
21 comments:
I don't have any adopted children, but certainly lack of stimulation and attention could be part of the cause of his behavior. However, as the mother of three children, I can also tell you that outbursts are a part of normal development for any child. My 3YO son completely boggles my mind with his behavior. He can be so sweet, giving me kisses, hugs, telling me he loves me, the next minute I am scooping his writhing body off of the floor in embarrassment of his outburst because he didn't get his way. Before I was a mom, I admit that I judged parents of screaming kids in public. Now, I don't give it a second thought. Your son is not a brat, he's just a little boy learning his way around this world.
Oh, Leah. I'm so sorry people are saying those things!! First of all, temper tantrums for no reason, anxiety around people other than mom/dad, acting out...these are also signs of a NORMAL 18-month-old. Sometimes I watch my 2 1/2 year old son do these same things in amazement...wondering just what's going on. My 15-month-old had a meltdown the other night for NO REASON screaming, bashing his head on the tile floor. What happened?! We put him to bed, he cried to sleep and slept more straight hours than ever before in his life.
This is NORMAL behavior, and certainly all that Khalil has been through makes it even bigger deal. He is a normal little boy who has been through extraordinary events.
He looks lovely, sweet, funny, and curious...your stories show all that he is. Khalil is nothing short of perfect!
Oh my goodness! It breaks my heart to think that people actually SAY this to you?!
K is perfect. Exactly, exactly, exactly how he is.
That is sad that friends or family or anyone would imply that he is just a brat. I wonder if that is because most people want to believe adoption is all rainbows, glitter and sunshine. Maybe, they want to make you feel better by just saying no it's not adoption.. he is a normal kid who is a brat from time to time. I am hoping that they mean no harm but I can tell from this post that it does bother you and I can see why it does.
Our situations are obviously very different - my son spent the first 8 months of his life lying in a hospital bed, but he has a classmate adopted from Russia who spent the first year of his life in an orphanage. Those two share very similar characteristics - and what our EI interventionists told us was that they're finding some of these kids have PTSD and that the symptoms of that are like sensory processing disorder or developmental delay. You can google about if, but I always found it interesting. And sadly I cannot believe how judgmental people get once you become a parent. For us, putting our kiddo in a dark room with a parent and taking him out of the situation was the best we could do, and it doesn't always work if you're in public. Watching your child work through a sensory related meltdown is very hard and painful to watch, and it can be socially isolating. Just remember, you really are doing the best you can. He looks awesome!
Ugh! Mama knows best, and I agree with you! Most adults don't understand two languages!!
I hope the people around you become more understanding.
This was a beautiful post. I'll be praying that the people in your life have more patience with your sweet boy!
Leah, love this post. It gave me chills. I know it must hurt your heart to hear negative comments about either of your children. I know my momma claws would come out. I love the way you addressed this. I hope it educates people and makes them more empathetic. (((hugs)))
yikes, did someone call him a brat?! geez, that is harsh!!
I know that I don't 'know' you and that before a few days ago I had never commented on your blog. However, I'm commenting again to let you know that you are right. K has lived a lifetime to hurt in 10 months that most people can't imagine. My daughter lived a world that I can't imagine (abuse, neglect and subsequent orphanage) that I still see the effects of 11 years later.
You know YOUR child. I think you're doing a great job!
LOVE this post! He is definitely beautiful.
From what I remember from my child development class, those first few months are really important in making bonds. I'm sure you know this, but still... It's so good that he has you guys to comfort him and help him grow and trust.
When I read your posts now, I think about how much your life has changed. I know having twins has changed ours, but yours is so complex. I guess what I want to say is, I just admire you. :)
Being someone who is extremely careful about assuming I understand or can explain someone else's issue, I find it really surprising (but hear it so often, that it must be true) that there are so many people who are willing to comment on others' circumstances - and if I do have an opinion (like thinking someone's child is acting like a brat!) I typically defer to the other's interpretation, realizing I may not have the whole picture, or realizing it is typically not the time & place to be commenting on the matter. Sorry that you have been experiencing this response - I realize I have spent nearly 4 years leaning about anything and everything adoption-related that I can get my hands on, but your perspective makes total sense to me!
I believe you are 100% correct! My second son came home at 10 months. Home from Guatemala and a wonderful Foster Family who loved and cared for him as well I could...Still, it took many months for him to become the happy baby I heard about each month before I was to get him. I have read and heard that when an adopted child is in a good situation it takes a month for every month you didn't have them and a year to seal the deal...You continue to hug and nurture your son...the benefit will be so worth it!!!
Stephanie in NC
Mother to 2 Guatemalan Princes
I second that and I'm not his mama! He's had to make a lot of adjustments and I know kids raised here from day one with all the advantages that K missed out on early on, and their behavior is way more than 5% poor. I know he's doing awesome and he is certainly not a brat! :) He's adorable and hilarious!
I think it's ridiculous that anyone would use a term like "brat" toward ANY 18-month-old. But especially one who has been through what K has been through. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that, but it sounds like you're being a great mama to your son!
WTF? I don't swear. But WTF? He has experienced the worst kind of trauma. He might have PTSD symptoms. That is not brattiness. It's fear.
If anyone really close says these things, it might be helpful to circle passages out of the two bibles of parenting kids from orphanages. The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, and Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen.
I hope you have those both. They are validating and have blessed by life.
K is not a brat. Sending love. And our families wonder why we lean on our "fake online friends" so much. Um, it's because sometimes you just. don't. get it.
Living in an orphanage has definitely affected him and will still for a long time, I am sure. During those crucial months when babies learn trust, noone was there for him 100%, so it's going to take some time for him to gain what he lost during those 10 months. He has come a long way and will still make tremendous leaps in the trust area. You are being so patient and such a good mama. But, he is definitely not a brat. He has been through a lot. What's important is that he trusts you and his baba and sister (which it sounds like he does). Can you imagine though what he feels when he sees other people? He might be thinking some where deep inside him that they may be taking him away from you.
Leah, it really makes my insides boil that someone called him a brat. BOIL!!!! I wish I could be the type of person that just ignores that stuff and lets it rolls off my back but I struggle with that! It really hurts when people are dismissive about something you feel in your gut to be outside of the norm. They are not there with you experiencing it. Yes, I think 18 months is a tough age and there is some typical toddler stuff going on but you are HIS MOM and you know YOUR SON. And usually the people who are being dismissive are uneducated about adoption. I know they mean well but for me it just feels more hurtful like I am crazy or something. Or making something up. I am finding that a lot of the stuff I read about sensory processing is geared towards pre-schoolers. It's hard. I'm glad we have each other! XOXOXOXO
This post bothered me a bit (a lot) because it kills me that you feel like you have to defend his behavior to family or friends. Even the best raised toddler is going to have meltdowns and be clingy. As someone else said- Khalil is figuring out his way in the world and unfortunately he's already learned and experienced a lot more in the world than anyone his age ever should.
Don't ever forget that and don't feel like you have to defend yourself.
I am so sorry Leah! K is not a brat at all but is still bonding and attaching exactly what we want as parents! I have so much to say about this topic but will not on this but wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you guys and if you would like to talk about it more about how to explain it to your family and friends let me know. Otherwise I can email you something on a "professional" level to explain certain things such as how long bonding and attachment takes and when it begins and that it does not have in a few months! Let me know if I can help in anyway! I have had unfortunetly the same issues with my family. :( Hang in there and stick to your guns! You are his mom they are not and are outsiders. Family and friends they are still outsiders in K's world. Just remember you are doing everything right!
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