Catch Up On Our Story

It was January 2008, and T and I had just come back from an amazing 3 week vacation in Egypt. This is a trip we always wanted to take together, and completing it felt like we were crossing off something huge from our bucket list.

T and I always wanted children, but it was really important to us to be married for a while first. We wanted to travel, attend plays, go to museums, and live a fairly carefree life. But in January 2008, we felt ready. It was around T's 31st birthday, and we were standing in our kitchen, when we decided, we would actively try to start a family. It was a happy day. It's so funny to look back, and think about how naive I was. I was very very naive.

The first month passed, and it didn't work. I guess I wouldn't be one of those women who got pregnant the first try. No big deal. We'd keep trying. Pretty soon the second month, then the third, then the fourth. I finally decided to get serious about this trying stuff, and I went out and bought Ovulation Predictor Kits. (OPK) I also joined a couple trying to conceive (TTC) communities online, and started taking my basil body temperature. In hindsight, I wish I would have been more relaxed, but I had the tendency to control everything, and I felt a great need to control when I would get pregnant.

More months passed, and I started becoming even more worried. It wasn't so much my desire to have children now, it was more like I felt I was failing at something. I needed to succeed. It was now the fall of 2008, and T and I were quickly approaching the year point of TTC. The basic definition of infertility, is TTC for a year with no success. T and I were dangerously close to becoming official infertiles.

I decided to set up an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in my area. This was all foreign ground to me, but I thought it would be a good idea to get the ball rolling. T and I went to the Dr. together and gave him our history. He said our age will really work in our favor. (At this point, I had just turned 29, and T was 31) We had some of the basic tests done. I had an HSG, an blood work done to test my FSH levels, and both of these came back normal. T then went and had a semen analysis done, and that was normal as well. (There was a question about the morphology, but the RE assured us it was fine)

After these first basic tests, the RE gave us some options. . . we could continue trying naturally, we could take some medications and then try naturally, or we could take medications and then do an insemination. Unfortunately, patience is something I struggle with, and I wasn't willing to just wait and see. At this point, I felt like we had a long road ahead of us, so T and I decided that we would take medication and do an insemination.

I was still so naive. I figured I'd take a pill a day, create a bunch of eggs, go get an insemination, I'd be pregnant, and all of this would be behind me. Yes, very naive. I did take the pills, and I created a nice looking egg, we had the insemination, and then we waited two weeks to find the results. It was a couple of days before Christmas, and I woke up early on test day and went to the bathroom to find out my fate. One stark pink line. Not pregnant. T was so supportive and held me as I cried. It was a very difficult Christmas, and for the first time since our journey began, I was really realizing just how long of a road this could be.

T and I went back to the RE, and he suggested we try the same protocol one more time. So we did, and again, I didn't get pregnant. Our RE then suggested that I take some injectable medications that will help me create even more eggs, and then do an insemination. He was nervous to take that route, because of the high risk of multiple pregnancies. I was also a little nervous about the possibility of multiples. Oh. . . naive me.

It was about March or April at this time, and we were in the process of our third insemination. Every day, I gave myself a shot in the tummy, and then I went and got monitored to see how my eggs were growing. I ended up growing 3 nice eggs. We did the insemination, and again, waited the two weeks. Two weeks later, I took another pregnancy test, and saw another negative result. At this point, I was pretty sure I would never see a positive test. Ever. I had already taken about 10 tests at this point, and all were very negative.

T and I then took a little time to regroup and decide what to do next. Our future was looking bleak. We met with our RE again to discuss next steps. According to him, if someone doesn't get pregnant after 3 inseminations, their chance is really low that it will ever work. He also stated that because it had already taken us so long to get pregnant, that our chances were about 1% each cycle. Not good odds.

I then asked him directly, if he was in our situation, what would he do? He told both T and I that he would go directly to IVF. It is a lot more expensive, but it yields the best results and it would be our best (and perhaps) only hope, in having biological children.

IVF was a scary option to me. Not because of the medical aspect of it, but because of the scary price tag, and because it was a last resort. Because of the cost, we would only be able to try once, maybe twice. If it didn't work, that would be it. Our dream of having a biological child would be gone.

T and I aren't the wait and see kind of people. We had a long discussion, and decided that we both wanted to move forward with IVF. So, the spring of 2009, we did our first IVF cycle. Because of my age at the time, 29, the Dr. put me on a fairly low dose of medication. He was sure if my dose was too high, I would overstimulate, which is extremely dangerous. So every morning I gave myself 3 shots. And then every evening, I gave myself 2 more shots, one of which T had to administer to me in my muscle. Every two days or so, I would go to the Dr. and have an ultrasound to monitor my eggs. Unfortunately, my eggs weren't growing hardly at all. Many women create 10-20 eggs. I had 4-5. I had my eggs retrieved, and out of all of those eggs, only 1 fertilized properly.

T and I showed up the day of the transfer, and the embryologist informed us that the egg that did fertilize isn't growing well at all, and is extremely poor quality. The RE then came in and said if he were us, he would save his money and not even do the transfer. So, our first IVF was officially over, and we didn't even finish it.

T and I headed to the cabin (It was Memorial Weekend) and hung out with my family, including my newly pregnant sister. The pain was so present. It was always so present.

We decided to get a second opinion at this point. We went to the clinic in our state that has the best record of successful IVF's. We had all of our charts sent to this clinic, and met with a Dr. She went through our charts, and suggested the reason we weren't getting pregnant was my poor quality eggs. Up until this point, I hadn't heard anyone mention my eggs were bad. Yes, this was new to me. We really liked this clinic, and felt like this is the place that could help us. Unfortunately, it was also the most expensive reproductive clinic in the state, and we couldn't afford it. I left feeling sad that finances could possibly control whether or not we have biological children.

So, we headed to our original clinic, and started IVF #2. This time, the RE increased my meds, and he thought that would make all the difference. He also increased the amount of times I administered the drugs, so at this point, I was taking 6 shots a day. Things seemed to be going better however, My eggs were growing, and the nurse thought I could potentially have 15 eggs this cycle. 15! I was so happy and relieved.

The day of retrieval was July 11th, 2009. I woke up from anesthesia to ask T how many eggs were retrieved. He looked sad. I was groggy. I wasn't thinking straight. He said 6 eggs, but only 1 was mature. 1. At the last minute the Dr. had changed my dose, so my body was unfortunately full of immature eggs. I remember laying in the recover room, trying to rip the IV out of my hand. I was crying hysterically. I should have been embarrassed, but I was too drugged to be embarrassed. Finally, they released me, and T and I walked out of the clinic with me sobbing.

Miraculously, 2 of those eggs fertilized, and 3 days later, I came back for a transfer. I was able to see two embryos (our babies!) under the microscope. They were put in me, and then we waited the two weeks to find out if I was pregnant or not.

Two weeks later, I had my blood drawn to see if I was pregnant. That afternoon, the nurse gave me a call at work. Not pregnant. I wasn't surprised, just sad.

After spending a few days mourning this, T and I sat down, and decided we were both ready to move on. Infertility is a rollercoaster. It is extremely up and down, and it was taking a toll on us emotionally. We were ready to be happy again. We hadn't been happy in so long.

It was at this point, that we realized, more than anything, we wanted to be parents. Sure, we'd always be sad not knowing what a little T and Leah looks like, but more importantly, we wanted a family. We wanted to parent together. We decided to be done with infertility treatments the rest of our lives and to put 100% of ourselves into adopting a child.

We quickly decided that international adoption was best for our family, and on June 25th, 2009 (which was actually before we were done with our final IVF) we submitted our application to adopt. The next few months were busy having home studies done, filling out a ton of paperwork regarding our health and finances, and things of that nature.

On October 26th, we mailed our Dossier to Ethiopia, which meant we had completed all of our paperwork, and now just had to wait until we got placed with a child.

Life was feeling really good and settled. T and I were on our way to becoming parents, and we felt happy about our path. I knew it would always be my biggest disappointment in life not being able to conceive, but I was trying to come to peace with that. . . as much as that is possible.

On October 30th, a Friday, I woke up for work at 6am. . . Just like I do every day. Ever since my last treatment in July, my cycles had been really off, and it occurred to me that I hadn't gotten a period in a while. I had a pregnancy test leftover, and decided to take it. I wish I could articulate why I took a test, but I really don't know. I wasn't having any symptoms. I wasn't sick. And although I may have been late, I didn't really know because I had quit keeping track. A part of me just felt like taking a test, so I took it.

Up until this moment, I had taken many tests. MANY. And all yield the same results. Imagine my shock and surprise when I saw a positive pregnancy test. I couldn't believe it. One would think that my initial reaction was joy, but it was more completely horror. What the heck? I just spent almost 2 years trying to have a baby. I had inseminations, IVFs, and nothing worked. And now I was pregnant?

T was still sleeping, so I woke him up, with the test in my hand, and told him I needed to talk to him. I told him that I thought I was pregnant. He sat up and asked if this was a sick joke. I showed him the test, and then he and I said OH MY GOD, no short of 100 times. We preceded to get ready for work, and neither of us allowed ourselves to get happy. False positives happen. Maybe I wasn't really pregnant?

On my way to work, I stopped at the local grocery store to buy another test to confirm it, but unfortunately the tests were under lock and key until the pharmacy opened in two hours. So, I went to work, and couldn't concentrate at all waiting for 9am. At sharply 9am, I headed to the store and bought two more tests, one digital, and one with the pink lines. I headed back to work, and went to a rarely used bathroom in my building, and took both tests. Immediately, two lines popped up on one test, and on the other test, the word Pregnant immediately popped up. This wasn't a dream. This was real.

I called T immediately and said I am definitely pregnant. We were both overjoyed. We both left work early, because we couldn't imagine being at work while all this was going on.

The next week, I went to the Dr. for bloodwork, and my HCG results showed I was definitely pregnant. A couple days after that, I went for my first ultrasound to look at the baby and date the pregnancy, as I had no idea how pregnant I was. It turns out, I was 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant that day. And I saw the little flicker of my baby's heartbeat. I cried immediately at the miracle I was experiencing. A true miracle.

So, this is the story of how T and I are expecting two little ones. We are so excited for both of them, and everyday, we remember how blessed we are by our two miracles.