Ethiopia. . . The End of the Trip

Wednesday, October 13th was the day that I would be checking Nur out of the orphanage, and I would be taking custody of him.  I was excited and nervous.  We weren't picking the children up until later in the day, so in the morning, we decided to go to Entodo. . . which is a mountain outside of Addis Ababa and you can look at the whole city down below. 

The views from the mountain looking down at Addis Ababa.

Entodo was beautiful.  Because of the extremely high elevation, a lot of marathon runners train here.  We met a woman who was training, and through our driver, she told us that she needed new sneakers.  Well, one of the people on our trip had brought two pairs with to donate, and they happened to be her size!  I hope to see this woman in the Olympics someday. :)

And here was a woman carrying this down the hill.  And it was  HUGE hill. 

Finally, it was time to go to the orphanage.  I had so many mixed feelings.  Mostly, I was so excited to begin physically parenting Nur.  But I was also really nervous how it would go.  Would he cry?  Would he be scared? I also knew time was going to slow down considerably, and we didn't leave Ethiopia until Saturday.  Up until that point, the trip had flown by because we would go to the orphanage a couple of hours every day, but then we would site see.  I knew siteseeing was officially over as all the families would stay at the guesthouse and really get to know their children. 

We arrived at the orphanage, and I was brought paperwork to sign.  The paperwork said as of this day, Nur was in my physical custody.  I was his parent forever.  WOW! This was really happening.

Nur's nanny brought him out, and before she handed him to me, I took a picture of the two of them together.

How do I thank someone for loving my son?  For caring for him, attending to his every need, and then to just have to say goodbye?  I can't not say enough about these women and all they do for us.  My heart was happy and sad all at the same time. 

I changed Nur out of the orphanage clothes, and put him in an outfit I brought him.  This was required, as the orphanage cannot afford to lose clothes.  And I'm sure once I took Nur's outfit off, it was washed, and is now keeping another baby warm. He was freshly bathed, and smelled OH SO GOOD.

After all the families signed their children out of the orphanage, we all loaded into a van to drive us back to our guesthouse.  We of course didn't have carseats, so all of the children were on our laps.  Here we were, 6 white adults.  Holding beautiful Ethiopian babies.  As we drove down the streets toward our destination, I could feel the glare from those on the street.  There were men in suits, looking at our van and shaking their heads.  There was a homeless woman carrying her naked baby down the street.  There were beggers coming up to our van and asking for money.  And here we were. . . all carrying Ethiopian babies, and it made me sad.  I was sad for Ethiopia.  It is a beautiful country, and they were losing 4 remarkable human beings.  I was sad for Nur.  He was losing his country, his friends, his nannies, his comfort.  Adoption and loss had never been more clear for me than in that moment.  In that moment, I questioned whether I was doing the right thing. I questioned the best way to help this struggling country?  And I doubted whether taking their beautiful children was the right answer.  I still struggle.

We got back to the guesthouse, and took a picture of our four babies.  They were all doing remarkably well considering they were out of their safe place, and they were with complete strangers.  What beauties they all are.

The next day, October 14th was our Embassy Appointment! I got Nur dressed, and we headed to the US Embassy.  I didn't know what to expect, but what the appointment ended up being was very similar to my experience at the DMV.  I went up to a window with Nur, and was asked many questions.  And then the man behind the counter congratulated me, and wished us luck with the rest of our lives.  Oh, and he also handed me a sealed envelope that said I ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT OPEN and it had to be opened by immigration upon arriving in the US. 

Here is Nur after the Embassy appointment.  His personality was already starting to come out.  And it was strange, but it was like he already knew I was Mom.  He would follow me with his eyes in our room, and he would light up when I would take to him.  My son. . . who I don't deserve.

 Friday and Saturday were the LONGEST days ever.  Friday, I was sick.  Couldn't leave the toilet sick.  Thank goodness for my Mom for helping out with Nur that day.  And we didn't leave Saturday until 10pm, so we basically had another full day in Ethiopia.  And we were advised to not really go anywhere because of how people feel about seeing white people with their babies, so we were literally holed up at the guesthouse.  I have never been more ready to come home.  My heart was ACHING for TT.  Aching.  T had just called to tell me she cried inconsolably for 45 minutes, and it was after my sister had left taking care of her.  My sister and I have a very similar voice, so T thought it was because TT missed me.  Talk about a breaking heart. 

It was Saturday October 16th, and finally time to leave for the airport.  See those cute pajamas Nur has on?  Yeah. . . he pooped on them about 30 minutes after I put them on, so this isn't what he wore on the plane. Ha. 

I was nervous about traveling for so long with Nur.  I mean, we had about a 6 hour flight to Amsterdam in front of us.  Then another 4 hours at the airport there.  And then another 8 hour flight home.  Yes, I was nervous. On the flight to Amsterdam, the other adoptive parents all had bassinets, but Nur didn't have one.  Well, a really nice guy who was traveling with us, gave Nur his daughter's bassinet.  Nur was the smallest and youngest traveling back, and we are so grateful for that.  Not only did he give us his daughter's bassinet, but the bassinet was in front of his seat, so when Nur would get up, this very nice man would comfort him and put him back to sleep.  So, the flight to Amsterdam was a blur.  We all. . . including Nur, pretty much slept right through it.

We got to Amsterdam and said goodbye to the other families.  We were flying directly into MSP from there, and they were all flying to Detroit, and then onto their final destination.  Oh, how I was going to miss these people!  We had only spent a week together,but going through such a profound experience together will bond anyone.  We then had to wait for 4 hours in Amsterdam, and finally were on our flight to MSP.

Nur did so well.  My Mom got very sick on the flight though, and I felt horrible for her.  So, I had to bring Nur with me to the bathroom anytime I needed to pump (yes, I was still pumping at this point) to change him, when I had to go to the bathroom, etc.  Nur sat on my lap, and sometimes he would be fussy, but for the most part, he was the most perfect baby.  I even had a woman come up to me and compliment me on my wonderful baby.  Although I appreciated the comment, I couldn't take the credit. I had only known Nur for a few days at this point. 

We arrived at the airport, and got to go to the front of the line because we had a baby.  We were congratulated by the immigration officer, and we were home.  I knew that on the other side of the wall, was TT.  I longed to hold her.  Other family members had come also.  We tried to keep the get together small, so it was just immediate family.  My Dad was there.  My sister, her husband and daughter.  T's brother, his brother's wife, and their two children, and T's parents. (There are a few pictures from this event, but they are on my sister's camera, and for some reason she can't get them off) We opened the door, and there they were! My eyes immediately went to TT.  She was in a brand new outfit that her Baba had picked out for her, and I went over to them, and T took Nur, and I took TT.  Okay, wouldn't it be a cute story if I told you she cried tears of happiness when I held her, and snuggled into me?  Well, she just looked at me like, "Why are you crying woman?"  What everyone told me became very true in that moment. . . being away from TT was much harder for me than it was for her. 

Everyone met Nur, and then we went home.  We were finally all together, and it was the best and most overhwelming moment of my life.  The journey that began in June 2009 was all worth it.  The years of infertility treatments, the months of paperwork, and appointments, and divulging every little detail about our lives. . . in the moment we were all together, it all became worth it. 

 

I tried to document pretty much everything, but I feel like I've already written a novel, and there is still so much more to say.  Like the day I visited an orphanage that houses special need children and those with AIDS. I remember being there, and seeing a baby about Nur's age, sitting in a little rocking seat ,and rocking herself with her own foot.  She had no one to rock her. No one to soothe her.  The children with AIDS coming up to me and hugging me, simply longing for human touch. I also didn't talk about the homeless lady with two girls on the street who refused our donations because she didn't want charity. 

My heart broke over and over again on this trip.  I think that has something to do with how long it took me to document.  My heart breaks for everything I saw and experienced.  I am changed because of the trip, and Ethiopia will always be near and dear to my heart. 

Ethiopia. . . Part II

I woke up on October 11th with great anticipation.  Today I would meet my son!!!  Everyone else in my travel group had met their children, as they traveled for the court hearing.  But this was my first trip so this would also be my first meeting.  Unfortunately, we weren't able to see our children until the afternoon, so we spent the morning going to a little market called The Post Office.  It's a great place to shop for Ethiopian treasures. 

It was finally time to head to Tokoul Orphanage! I didn't know what I expected, but what I experienced was so different.  We were in Addis Ababa, and before I knew it, we were turning on an unassuming dirt road, and before I knew it, I saw the sign for Tokoul, and the famous blue gates.  

All of the families were put in a room, and we waited for our children to be brought to us.  We waited, and then waited some more.  Okay, it was probably only about 10 minutes, but it seemed like FOREVER.  We finally all went outside as the weather was warm and beautiful.  And finally,  the children started getting carried out. . . one by one.  And I still waited.  Wouldn't you know that Nur was the last child to be brought out?

I held him and snuggled him.  I was overcome with emotion.  Let's just say I had spent many months working on all required to bring me to this very moment, and the emotions overcame me. He avoided eye contact with me, and none of the goofy faces I made could get a smile, let alone any emotion out of him.  Nope.  He clearly had no idea who I was, and wasn't real sure why I was holding him.  I know they take such good care of these children at the orphanage, but Nur just lacked spirit.  It's actually hard to look back and to think this is the same boy.  He is SO different today.  Here is the first day I met my son.

I remember thinking at first that he must be comfortable with me to be able to fall asleep on me.  (Shortly after this photo, he passed out) But the truth is, is that I think sleep was his defense mechanism.  He must have been so scared and confused this day. 

For two hours we got to visit our children, and then it was time to say goodbye.  Well, not really goodbye. . . more of I'll see you tomorrow!  I was strangely okay with leaving him too.  I wanted him to have the time he needed to adjust.  He definitely wasn't ready to go with me that day.

That evening, we went to an amazing restaurant.  They served traditional Ethiopia food, buffet style, and had dancers.  The dancers performed dances that depicted all of the different regions of Ethiopia.  It was amazing!  I couldn't take my eyes off the dancers.  The moves, the rhythm, the spirit! This white girl was jealous! ;)

We enjoyed this dinner with a group of French people who were also staying at our guesthouse, and were there for court.  It was a wonderful evening.

The next day we got to visit the orphanage again!  But not before we did some siteseeing around Addis.  You see, some people on our trip brought dresses to hand out to people, so we decided to go to a church where people congregate.  We pulled up, and there were hundreds of people.  I think all of us in the van were second guessing this decision, but we all got out of the van anyway.  We were handing out dresses, and before we knew it, we all got separated from each other and were getting mobbed.  I was trying to get back to the van, and an old, toothless man groped me, I then shoved him, and ran for cover. We all got in the van, and the people outside started shaking our van.  Our driver was finally able to get us out of that situation. Another wonderful learning moment. :)

And then it was to the orphanage.  Nur was a little more open this day, and I was even able to feed him a bottle.  On this day, he was willing to look into my eyes.  And I melted into his deep brown eyes. They are beautiful!

Our travel group. Lifelong friends I hope. :)

 Everyday, I would walk from the guesthouse to the local mall which had an internet cafe. T tried to call daily, but I also tried to hop online to get updates. Everyday, T would send me pics of TT and updates. Oh, how my heart ached to have my entire family together again. Here are some pics T sent me while I was away. (holy baldy!)

And the next day. . . October 13th, I would take Nur out of his home for the past 8 months, and into my arms forever.  Another very emotional day.

Ethiopia

I arrived home from Ethiopia on October 17th, 2010.  I believe I wrote one blog post about my trip.  One blog post that contained probably 1 or 2 pictures, and a quick overview of the experience.  It wasn't enough.  Here's the thing. . . life was harder than I expected when I returned home.  Much, much harder.  I didn't have time to get on the computer.  Heck. . . I didn't even have time to shower or eat, let alone blog.  But now I've been home for 4 months.  Each and everyday, the fog of my mind is lifting.  Each and everyday, the memories of the experience are also fading.  And that just isn't fair to K. 

So, 4 months later, I'm going to talk about the experience.

I left for Ethiopia on Friday, October 8th.  I've never woken up with so many emotions in my life.  This was the day that I would be leaving on a journey to meet my son.  This is the day I dreamed about since starting the adoption process.  TT woke up at her normal time that day, around 5am.  I fed her, and held her, and breathed in every scent possible.  I told my 3 month old baby how much I loved her, and that she may be confused by my absence for the next 8 days, but that I loved her, and that I was bringing home the missing piece to our family.  My heart literally hurt, and I kept saying to myself. . . how do I do this?  How do I leave her? A couple times that morning, I thought. . . I can't.  I just can't do it!  And then Nur would pop in my head. My beautiful baby boy. I needed to get him home, and I knew there was only one way to do that.

I also spent the morning of October 8th taking some video of TT.  I never wanted to forget her on this day.  And when naptime rolled around, I couldn't put her down, so she napped on me.  I wasn't going to put her down until I absolutely had to.

My Mom arrived to my house with my sister and my niece, and we still had a couple hours before leaving for the airport.  T and TT were going to bring me to the airport, but I think at this point everyone was concerned about my stability, and it was decided that it would be less emotional for me to just hitch a ride to the airport with my sister, mom, and niece.  And before I knew it, it was time to go.  My sister, mom, and niece went out to the car, and let me have a private moment with T and TT.  I tried to hold it together, but the tears started.  I held TT so tight and told her I loved her. I said my goodbyes to T and walked out the door.  T and TT waved as we drove away. My sister rubbed my shoulder and told me she was proud of me.  I felt torn. 

We got to the airport, and I enjoyed a couple of mind-numbing pints with my mom, and before I knew it, we were taking off.  I shut my eyes and sobbed.  I was so full of conflicting emotions, and so aware in that moment just how far this plane would be taking me away from TT.  And at the very same time, I realized that this plane was bringing me to Nur.  Conflicting emotions.

When my mom and I get together, we like to consume all sorts of junk food, so we spent the flight over the Atlantic eating candy, chocolate, chips, drinking wine.  Let's just say when we arrived in Amsterdam, my mom wasn't feeling the best.  Me. . . I just felt tired.  And, oh Europe, how I love you and missed you! And Amsterdam. . . you are one of my favorites of all!  We spent our time going in shops, eating, and resting, and before we knew it, it was time to go to our gate.  I quickly met a couple other families from our agency that I had been conversing with over email and telephone.  It wasn't hard to pick us all out. . . we were the white folks boarding a plane to Addis Ababa Ethiopia! :)

Our flight had a layover in Khartoum, Sudan.  Here, some people got off the plane, and our plane refueled.  We tried to stretch our legs, but were forced to stay seated.  My mom at this point was feeling very poorly, so I had a flight attendant bring her some Sprite to help.  She didn't look good, and we were in the middle of the desert in Sudan, our plane wasn't running, and it was HOT.  A couple hours, we took off.  Next stop. . . Ethiopia!!!

We got through customs in Ethiopia fairly quickly.  We purchased our visas, and we had drivers there to meet us.  It was all very organized.  By this time, it was Saturday October 9th, around 10pm.  We drove in the dark to our YGF Guesthouse, and I could see shadows of mountains in the distance.  We were all so tired, but upon getting to the guesthouse, we learned dinner would be served.  We all got a second wind, and the other American families who were with us all sat down and broke bread together.  And had some wine and beer.  We all talked about our travel adventures that got us to that day, and because the next day was Sunday, and we weren't able to see the children yet, we planned an outing for Sunday, and decided we would go to the countryside.

 A market on the way to a church we were going to visit.

 A church built underground.

 Children in Ethiopia love "Ferengies."  Aka. . . foreigners.

 The trees we sat under as we enjoyed a picnic lunch in the country. I can't even explain how surreal it was to be sitting underneath trees in Africa. 

A wedding we stumbled upon.

 Handing out pens to all of the local children.

Sunday, October 10, we all got in a van and headed to the country.  Ethiopia is a BEAUTIFUL country. It is also a country that has extreme poverty and hardships.  Yet everyone we met this day in the country, no matter how little possessions they had, were the happiest people I had ever met.  I quickly felt a little disgusted by how many worldly possessions I have.  How many completely unnecessary things I own.  These children came up to us with cow dung up to their elbows.  Our driver, Katamah, translated, and they wanted us to see their house.  The reason they were covered in cow dung was because they were insolating the mud walls in their home.  This family lived in a small hut, slept on the floors with their animals.  And I'm not talking a dog and a cat, I'm talking a cow and a goat.  They lived in a one room hut.  Yet they had everything they needed.  If you ever hear me complain about how I don't have enough possessions, I'm giving you permission right now to SLAP ME.

It was a wonderful first, full day in Ethiopia.  And the next day, I would be entering the blue gates of Toukoul Orphanage, and I would be meeting my son.  Here is a pic of me at the end of the day. 

Missing my one baby, and in anticipation of meeting my other.

Adopting from Ethiopia

This is the first guest post on the process of choosing a country to adopt from. Thank you SO much Emily for writing this. You should all go check out her blog, Our Little Buster. Emily is a fabulous woman, and I'm so excited for her and her husband and their adoption process.

“Why Ethiopia?”

It is certainly a question we get asked frequently and is one of the harder questions about our adoption to wrap up into a succinct answer. I would like to say that all of the reasons were romantic and beautiful, but that wouldn’t be honest. When my husband, Damon, and I first started investigating adoption there were several factors that we felt we needed to consider. For example, as unfortunate as it is to admit we had to think about the cost, the length of the process and travel requirements. It is expensive and time consuming no matter what, but some countries require two trips and their country fees are higher so we had to think about all of that. I also knew that I didn’t have it in me to wait for years and years just for a referral so I was hopeful we could find a country with more reasonable wait times. I think some people pick the country and then search for agencies that facilitate adoptions in that particular country.

However, we ended up landing on an agency first and then deciding based on the options they had. We had heard a lot of good things about Gladney and we felt very strongly about picking an agency with proven experience and strong ethics. When we had the agency determined we just needed to figure out what country.

We had been thinking about adoption for a while. Even before we started any serious research, whenever I visualized myself adopting it was always from Africa. I wasn’t even sure if it was possible, but when I would daydream about it the child was always from Africa. I am not sure if that is because Damon’s father is African-American so it seemed like a good fit for us or what? If you read my blog then you have heard this story, but it was a defining moment in our process. One day I came home from work and Damon told me he had been doing further research into countries where Gladney facilitates adoptions. He told me had a video he wanted me to watch and he warned me that it made him a little teary. I knew that it was a big deal because he is not one to show emotions. It was a video on Gladney’s website of a young couple’s trip to Ethiopia and there were lots of shots of the capital where they stayed. Then they took a trip to see where their son was found. At the end of the video they are in a room waiting and eventually they are introduced to their son for the first time. I just had tears streaming down my face and realized I just watched them become a family. It was very overwhelming. I looked up at Damon and he told me that he wanted to adopt from Ethiopia. It was a moment I will never forget. Damon said that he was just feeling this pull towards Ethiopia, but thought we should wait a few days and just make sure. We both admitted to each other a few days later that when we went to bed we were thinking about Ethiopia and when we woke up in the morning we were thinking about Ethiopia and when we were getting a glass of water we were thinking about Ethiopia. We knew then it was time to recognize what was on our hearts and it was time to act. That night we filled out the online application.

I truly felt such peace with our decision. So much of adoption and actually parenthood in general is such a leap of faith. You make the decisions to the best of your ability and then just have to go for it. What shocks me is how I have gone from hardly ever thinking about Ethiopia nine months ago to thinking about it all the time. My world view has totally changed and Ethiopia plays a factor in so much of what I do from Christmas shopping to internet surfing to daydreaming, etc. I am so grateful to be on this journey and to be forever connected to Ethiopia.