When a Tantrum is More Than a Tantrum

I got home from work yesterday to two happy kids.  The sun was shining, the weather was warm, and I thought it would be a perfect day to get out the stroller and head to the park.  We walked the 3 blocks and Nur and TT excitedly jumped out of the stroller as they screamed in delight.  I followed them around to their "watch this mama" screams, and smiled at how much I enjoy spending time with them, and how much I enjoy doing fun things with them.

Quickly, our outing started to go downhill, like many of our outings do.  It starts with Nur wanting to do something but being told no.

"Mama.  I want to do more swing!"

"Nur, we just did the swing for a long time.  Why don't you go down the slides and give Mama's arms a break?"

Insert a whine.  A whimper, and then a full out cry.

I quickly intervened and did my "You quit whining Nur, or we will go home.  1. . . 2. . . 3. . . " 

Nur quickly recovered and we went on playing.

Then it was the monkey bars.  Nur loves me to help him climb up, and then he hangs there "like a big boy" until he falls to the ground giggling.  I told him 1 more time, and then we had to move onto something else.  (by this time, TT had lost interest in the monkey bars and had run off, and I get nervous with Nur doing them without assistance as he's not quite to that point yet)

Nur went on the monkey bars one more time, and I told him we were now going to try another part of the park. 

Insert a whine.  A whimper, and then a full out cry.

I again gave him the no whining or crying, or we'll go home.  I started my counting.  "1. . . 2. .  .. . . "

"Don't talk to me Mama!" Nur screamed at me.

DONE.

I knelt down to Nur and explained that we don't talk like this, and that we are leaving.  I'm trying to be consistent with my parenting.  I'm trying not to excuse bad behavior and to follow through with my "threats." If I tell you we will leave a fun venue if your behavior is bad, I must follow through.

I tried to take Nur's arm, but he threw himself to the ground.  He then started kicking and screaming.  I told TT to get in the stroller, and I picked Nur up, and was holding him like a baby, trying to deflect his kicks and punches.  I put him in the stroller, and he was throwing his body at me, and out of the stroller. I tried to just leave the park quickly, as we had quite the audience of judgmental eyes by this time, but without strapping him in, he continued to throw himself out of the stroller with his arms wailing.  And he was screaming.  Loudly.  Non-stop.  "Mama, I want the park.  Let me down!!!  MAMA!!! Park!!!" 

I tried to buckle him in repeatedly, but he was being too wild.  I could barely handle the strength of my 3 year old.  TT said there, concerned, and patted Nur on the back.  "It's okay Nur.  We're going to go home."  I finally had to grab Nur's shoulders and shove him back into the stroller, restrain him, until I could get his buckle together.  He then screamed the entire way home, and the force of his thrashing got him out of the buckle once again.

We got home, and I scooped him up and put him in his crib.  He screamed, and TT and I sat outside.  I couldn't deal with it.  I felt myself growing angry.  Why would he act in such a manner?  What have I done as a parent to make him think this kind of behavior was okay?  I was angry at Nur.  And on top of that, my wrist was starting to swell, and I was losing mobility.  Apparently, as I tried to wrestle my 3-year old, I injured my wrist in the process. 

Nur stayed in his crib for about 5 minutes, and then I went to get him.  He was calm by then, and I explained that we do NOT act like that.  He seemed to understand, but really, I'm not always sure how much these kids do. 

This whole episode left me deflated and speechless.  What had started as an opportunity to spend a beautiful Monday afternoon at the park with my kids, turned into an episode that made me want to curl up in bed and have a good cry.  The looks I got at the park, the physical pain that Nur caused me, the lack of ability for me to calm him down, and mostly, my uncertainty of what I'm dealing with.

I know that kids have tantrums.  I have a 2 and a 3 year old.  I know this very well.  TT has them a lot when she doesn't get her way.  In fact, if I looked at frequency, TT has much more than Nur.  But Nur's? They reach a severity I've never seen in a child. They leave me scrambling for a solution.  I just don't know how to handle it, and I feel guilty for getting angry.  I was so mad last night after this episode, that I wouldn't even look at my child.  I had to walk away from him to catch my breath.  Yet, at the root of it, I'm not fully convinced that this is something in Nur's control.  In fact, I'm almost entirely convinced that I am dealing with a son who is undiagnosed.  And if I have to throw out the ugly word, I will. 

I think Nur is A-U-T-I-S-T-I-C

There, I said it.  *shudder*  I hate that word.  I hate the behaviors and stigmas that are associated it.  But lately, I am more and more convinced that this is what we are dealing with, and I'm scared as his mama and someone who does love him so much.  Not only am I scared, I'm not equipped. 

Nur has his final assessment one month from today.  Through this entire episode last night, I was able to capture some on camera.  That may seem like a cruel move, but I want something to show the professionals, and this is it.