I leave for Ethiopia in 9 days. It's becoming very real.
I keep having this reocurring "fantasy." TT and Nur are teenagers, and they are both yelling at me for ruining their lives. TT is yelling at me and telling me that she felt neglected as a young child because there was so much focus on Nur, and Nur is yelling at me that I should have left him in Ethiopia where he belongs.
No one ever has to make me feel bad. . . I do that really well all by myself.
My excitement over the situation is sometimes plagued with fear. I leave in 9 days and can't wait to leave. But then I'm going to come back home, and T and I will face the most difficult thing in our lives. . . parenting two children, 6 months apart.
T recently made a video of the footage he shot while in Ethiopia. The past few days, he and I have showed it to many people, so I've seen the video a few times. And everytime I see it, new concerns arise. Nur looks completely confused, and really introverted. And who wouldn't be! A complete stranger (T) is holding him and talking to him in a different language. And I'm about to go to Ethiopia and take him with me on a plane ride far far away. He is going to be so scared! It's also obvious from the footage how far behind he is from others his age. I hope that he'll be able to catch up with a lot of love and TLC. I hope and pray there aren't any underlying medical concerns that we'll discover once we get him home. We wouldn't love him any less of course, it would just be a lot easier for all of us if he was healthy.
We will really have our work cut out for ourselves when we return. Nur is going to have to see doctors, and most importantly, T and I are going to have to build up his trust. And while bringing Nur to doctors, and working on bonding with him, we have a 3 month old daughter who needs us as well. She's getting to that age where she knows who mama and baba are, and when she's upset, she wants one of us.
I wish I could just turn my mind off, and only focus on how exciting this is. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm a bit scared as well.
14 comments:
I think it just shows what a good mum you are - and will be to them both - because you are thinking about them and how they feel. Really shows caring.
BUT in your vision of the future you are ignoring that they will love each other. They will be/are brother and sister. Might they throw such things at you in an argument? Yes - teenagers are horrible sometimes. Will they mean it? No.
You are right to think and try to put yourself in their shows but don't get too far out with it. Think too long and you can imagine any possibility. Maybe try a good possibility for every negative?
So...imagine them playing together as kids, giggling with shared jokes, sleeping snuggled up, as teenagers going out together to parties and having a great time, supporting each other through bad times and having water fights in the garden in the summer.
Yes each won't have your undivided attention at all times but they will have each other.
so so close!!!!
I can't believe how close you are to bringing him home!! I think your fears are so normal - I was so scared right before Matthew came home and that was without the added challenge of having a young child already. The unknown can be so scary. Praying for an easy transition for all of you!
It's HARD to turn your mind off! We don't even have a referral yet, but I can't turn mine off! And I'm just completely making up half of my concerns b/c we don't have a kid yet! LOL. I think you're going to be an absolutely WONDERFUL mother to both of your children. The fact that you DO think about this stuff just shows that you truly care! I can't wait to see Khalil and Scarlett in your arms TOGETHER!
Hi Leah - I'm a long-time lurking reader, and I've never read comments here before because I have your blog in bloglines. I have a micropreemie born 4 months early and spent 8 months in the hospital. My experience is nothing like yours obviously, so take this with a grain of salt, but have you considered Early Intervention for Khalil when he gets home? I'm in Illinois so I'm not sure what the program is called in Minnesota. Could be Birth to 3 or EI. If someone has mentioned this before, please forgive me. Because Khalil has spent many months in a crib it might be worth a consultation to see if he warrants services (it's free) and if so it might set your mind at ease about your concerns.
Otherwise, I look forward to seeing a family picture when your family is all together! I wish you safe travels and a safe return!
Oh Leah, I'm sorry you're stressing about things. You won't be alone in those teenage years - ALL our kids will find reasons to hate us and yell at us. We all just have to ride out those years until our teens become human again and realize that we were actually really good parents. Because we are! You are!! And your 2 little munchkins are lucky to have you!
Just praying for peace for you! This is such a hard time, which should just be a joyful time, but still it's plagued by so many 'what ifs?' Try to turn those off, and I'll be praying for a quiet mind! You're going to do great, you're a wonderful mother and T is amazing, and both of your children will feel soooo much love. All teenagers can't stand their parents at one point or another, just remember that! Developmentally, I do know a LOT about kids, if you have any questions or want to run anything by me, please feel free deni.troxclair@gmail.com. Sending love and prayers for all 4 of you!!!
Imagine when they're teenagers and they are BEST FRIENDS and so thankful to have each other! :) I can't imagine how scary this all is for you, but I know that you'll do fine and although it won't be easy it's all meant to be!
9 days, I am SO SO excited for you!!
You are having perfectly normal thoughts lady! You are such a great mom already and you know these all stem from the deeper meaning...you love all of your children very much and just want the best for them. Parenting isn't easy and there certainly isn't a book for it all, but I just think you love them above all and do the best you can...which is what you are doing already. Try not to be so hard on yourself :-)
Hi Leah, I'm Lea too (different spelling). I just recently found your blog, although I can't remember how. I have been having similar fears about having two babies so close in age. My husband and I are 7 months pregnant and have a 6 month old that we are adopting through the foster system. Obviously a little different route, but similar age difference to yours! You sound like a very caring mama and that will most certainly get you through this. I am anxious for your trip and can't wait to "meet" Kahlil. Much peace to you in your upcoming journey.
I have been reading your blog for several months, but have never commented previously. You are so obviously a wonderful and compassionate mommy. Unfortunately, I think motherhood just comes with a lot of the fears and worries that you have so honestly expressed (and thank you for doing so!). I would have all of the same worries about your upcoming trip to Ethiopia, but I truly believe Khalil will blossom and unfold beautifully in your and your husband's loving care and that Scarlett will benefit greatly from having her brother in her life. Wishing you all good things on your upcoming journey.
I was thinking about you last night as I baked cookies for a coworker's birthday, more specifically your post where you asked if you were being a good mama because you didn't get to go to Ethiopia when you were supposed to. I thought, "Of couse she is a good mama! She is doing everything she can to go get Khalil. She did what she was told. She shouldn't beat herself up over that."
The thing is, you are going to be wonderful at this. The fact that you are concerned and thinking about all of these things beforehand helps you prepare for them IF they happen.
I seriously doubt that either of these children will tell you that you ruined their lives, and if they do, I am sure they won't say it more than once.
K will definitely catch up once he is home. He might lag a bit further behind initially because he is being introduced to a completely new situation and surroundings, which is hard for even adults. But eventually he will learn this is his life now and you and T are his parents. After he settles in, he will catch up. Don't worry about his milestone just yet.
Sending you loads of love!
who wouldn't be stressed. I wouldn't worry aobut him catching up he is so young he will make leaps and bounds once he is home, my daughter wasn't up to par espeically in her core strength, couldn't crawl becasue her hips weren't strong enough, but one I moved to Guatemala with her at 9 months old, she was walking at 11 months, still didn't crawl for another month, but at least could finally sit up without assistence. He will be fine. Even with him being scared they seem to know that this is the person who loves them, we didn't have any attachment issues even with the different language, she seemed to know that we loved her best there's just a different love when it your child.
I think you're being too hard on yourself being so worried about the future. You and T will give Scarlett and Khalil what they need - love, attention and a safe and happy home. Will you be taking time off from work once you get home with Khalil? Heather
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