A Little Bit of EVERYTHING

Mind = Spinning.

Be warned. . . this post may be everywhere.

• T and I had a social worker visit yesterday. It feels so weird to have this visit considering we are almost done with the adoption. But, apparently MN requires that homestudies be updated every year, and ours was due to be updated. So, we had the social worker come to our house yesterday. I think I've mentioned this before, but T and I have two adoption agencies we work with. One is local, and one is out in Oregon, and the Oregon one is the one who does the referral and everything dealing with Ethiopia, and the local one does all the homestudy stuff. Well, not real impressed with the local agency I must say. Anyway, this social worker mentioned that if T and I both attended the embassy hearing, that Khalil would come to the US on an American passport, and that the adoption would be finalized in Ethiopia. The way T and I are doing it, Khalil will come over on a visa that will require us to finalize the adoption in the US, which can take time, and well, T and I were kind of hoping to finalize this in 2010 for many reasons. . . one of them being that we could desparately use that adoption credit. This information put us in such an uproar that T almost thought about calling my Mom to say he would go to Ethiopia with me and change her ticket to his name, and that Scarlett would stay with my parents for the week. We were all about to call my Mom when I decided I should really call my contact at the Oregon agency instead. She informed me that the social worker was incorrect, and for Khalil to have his adoption finalized in Ethiopia I would have had to attended court. Well, that didn't happen, so I'm glad we didn't stir things up. The reality is, is that we'll just have to do all the finalization in the US. It is what it is. While talking to the social worker, T said to both of us, "It makes sense for me to go to Ethiopia as well, but it would just kill me to leave Scarlett." Talk about a knife piercing my heart. Oh, how T means well, but NOT what I wanted to hear. And why? Because my heart is literally breaking at the thought of leaving.

• Scarlett had her 2 month doctor's appointment yesterday. She weighed 11 pounds, 2 ounces, which put her in the 56% for weight. Her height was 22.5 inches, which put her in the 65%. She had 3 shots. It was devastating. (I'm dramatic, I know) Scarlett was in a great mood at the doctor's office, talking and smiling, and then the first needle went in. She went silent, and then just screamed and cried. Then I started tearing up. The nurse was quick and then I was able to hold Scarlett and soothe her. But it was awful and I never want to see a child in that much pain again. (Yet I will in 2 months when she gets her 4 month shots! Ugh!) I realize I need a thicker skin to be a mama. In the car on the way home, I sat in the backseat with Scarlett. Her eyes were closed and she was sucking away on her pacifier, and my mind started wandering. I started thinking of all those babies who are physically abused in this world. It made me sick to my stomach. Scarlett had shots. Some babies are abused and tortured. Then I started thinking about Khalil. Was he ever physically hurt? How many times has he cried and no one ran to pick him up? How many times has he felt alone? Then I started crying all over again and wishing that Khalil had never endured any pain, either physically or emotionally in his life.

• I wake up much earlier than I need to in the mornings and just pray and meditate, and listen to Scarlett stir as she gets ready to wake. I'm finding solace in the alone time (the only alone time I get these days) but I also find the time filled with sadness. I listen to Scarlett grunt, as she readies to meet the day. I watch her legs get kicked up in the air, and her arms stretch above her head. I anxiously wait for her to open her eyes so I can run over to her bassinett, put my head over her face, and excitedly say, "Hi Scarlett." Everytime I do that, she gives me her million dollar smile, and her face exudes so much joy. Than I get sad. What will she think for the 9 days I don't meet her pretty little face in the morning? Will she feel deserted? Sad? Or oblivous? (I'm hoping oblivious) That's when I get sad. And perhaps a bit scared. I don't know what our life will look like with two babies. I have so much anxiety about it. Will both babies get the attention they need? Will Scarlett feel jealous that all of a sudden she isn't the center of our world? Will she even notice? Will she immediately take to me when I return from the trip? So much anxiety, you are all probably so sick of hearing about. Last night I talked to T about all of this, and he said something that is so true. He told me that I always find something to worry about, and in the end, everything always works out, and this will too. Khalil and Scarlett will love each other, they will know that he and I are their parents, and everything will be fine. I needed to hear that.

• I leave 2 weeks FROM TODAY. 2 weeks people. I can't believe it. This trip just needs to happen already. . . for so many reasons. One, is the anticipation of this is miserable. I'm beating myself up so badly. I have a hard time even enjoying my time with Scarlett, because my mind keeps fast forwarding to two weeks where I will say goodbye for a few days. I'm guilt ridden. I'm sad. I feel torn. And yet at the same time. . . I am excited. I GET TO MEET MY SON!!! I get to go on a vacation. (I mean, it is a vacation, right?) I get to visit Ethiopia, a place I've always wanted to see. I get to visit the wonderful orphanage where Khalil has been living. I get to spend a week with my Mom, who I know will love the experience. I GET TO BRING MY SON HOME. How can anyone be so excited and so sad all at once? That is me right now.

The only thing getting me through these days right now is looking to the future. I make my mind go to around Halloween. I picture, T, Khalil, Scarlett and I all celebrating. T and I will get them cute costumes (that they won't care about at all) We'll be the family of 4 I've dreamed about for SO LONG. I won't have any anxiety over upcoming trips because I'll be home. Khalil and I will both be home. Scarlett will be the happy little baby she is, and won't feel neglected at all by the fact that there is another child in the mix. She'll be happy because she feels the energy from T and I. . . and we'll be happy. Khalil will be adjusting beautifully. It will be difficult, but he will be loved so darn much that it will feel suffocating. (in a good way of course) I'll feel so happy that I saw my son's homeland. . . a decision I will never regret. I'll realize that Scarlett wasn't affected at all by my being gone. In fact, she doesn't even remember it.
That vision I'm having makes me happy. It is definitely the life According to Leah vision that I have.