So, this is my beautiful daughter.
I don't know when it happened exactly, but TT developed stranger anxiety. I talked to her pediatrician about it, who told me that she developed it earlier than most (the common age is approximately 6 months old and TT developed it around 4 months old) but assured me that it will go away, and most babies are over it by the time they hit 9 months old.
TT will be 11 months old in less than a week, and her stranger anxiety is improved, but it's not gone. At least not when I'm around that is. Her anxiety used to be any time I would leave her. I remember leaving her with her grandparent's once so T and I could go to a friend's house for a couple of hours and TT apparently sobbed for 2 hours straight. She doesn't do that anymore luckily. When I do leave TT (which is very rare except when I go to work) she'll cry when I leave, but then she is fine. But if I'm around TT, she is clingy and whiney. I will put her on the floor to play with her brother, and she will play great if I'm right next to her, but if I leave the room briefly to go do something, she will crawl after me whining, and then try to crawl up my leg. As soon as I pick her up, the tears stop and she is a happy girl once again. I know TT is young, so I don't expect her to play independently at this age, but it does amaze me that she doesn't let me out of her sight for even 5 seconds.
If we are at a family gathering, she won't let anyone else hold her. . . if I'm around. She will cling to my shoulder so tightly, that I almost develop imprints in it! She has most likely offended her grandmas, grandpas, aunts and uncles, and even her own baba on more than one occassion. She needs to be right next to me, usually held by me, and then she is happy. If I walk away from her, she will scream, whine, and then follow me around until I finally give in and pick her up.
If I'm out of sight though, I'm also out of mind. I often hear from my family how good TT is when I'm not around. If she can't see me or hear my voice, she'll snuggle with my Mom or Sister, she'll play with toys, have fun with her brother. But as soon as I enter the room, she whines. This weekend the majority of my family went to our cabin, and a couple times, I left TT with my Mom and sister so I could golf and go fishing, and apparently, TT was wonderful. But when I come back and enter the picture, whining and clinginess. My entire family was convinced she was getting sick because of her whininess, but the truth is, is TT acts like that a lot.
There are a couple theories that have been thrown out. One, is that because I work out of the home, TT craves me more when I'm around. I wouldn't doubt this is true. I do try to balance my work/family life as well as possible, and I even have a job that allows me to be home at 3:45 every day. And when I am home, I try to be as engaged with my children as possible, and the weekends are spent with them constantly. T and I rarely leave them except to go to work. Another theory is that TT developed some sort of anxiety when I left for 8 days to go to Ethiopia to pick up her brother. She was only 3 months old at that time, but her clinginess did start shortly after I returned.
I realize this is a good problem to have. I have a daughter who loves me so much that she wants to be with my constantly. Not such a bad problem. But at the same time, I don't want TT to miss out on other relationships because she is so focused on me. And well, let's be honest. . . sometimes I wouldn't mind going to the bathroom alone, or without TT pounding on the outside of the door for me.
I don't know what to do. I do think she'll grow out of this. . . eventually. T and I have talked about tough love, but I don't feel right with that at such a young age. I could just not pick her up, but she will scream and follow me around until I do, and sometimes it's just easier to get stuff done while holding her instead of hearing to her scream. And I do feel guilty because I work outside of the home, so anytime my kids need me, I am there, and I think I my guilt has made me into a bit of a pushover in the mothering department. My life seems to be ruled by guilt at the moment and that guilt comes from feeling like I should be with my kids all day everyday, and unfortunately at the moment, it is not a possibility.
Has anyone else experienced this Any words of wisdom or encouragement?
20 comments:
I know what you are talking about because Viktor is like this. We go to my dad's every week, and he would cry every single time we walked through the door and family approached him. He has since gotten better about the crying but he is still very clingy to me and my husband. He screams if either one of us leaves the room too. He really doesn't tolerate other people holding him either.
It's hard because my step sister has a daughter who is only 6 months older than Viktor and she isn't shy towards anyone and loves everyone and I feel like they compare the both of them.
I honestly just think it is a personality trait and there isn't much you/we can do about it. I know Viktor does better with a schedule...I mean it took months and months of going to my dad's every single week for him to "adjust."
Do you have a lot of visitors?? I don't and wonder if that has something to do with it? We are very isolated here.
I obviously have no advice, but wanted to say I hope it gets better and that S is so stinking adorable it is ridiculous (which I'm sure doesn't help you in this area, as it's hard to tell your super adorable child to take a chill pill) :)
We are parenting a child through adoption at one year who has severe stranger axiety issues due to her circumstances. I know you're daughter's story is different, but you could try some of the same approaches. The transitional object helps (blanket, stuffed animal, or our daughter uses a binkie and snuggly hat). Also, talk to her, tell her you are going out of the room for a minute and that you'll be back. I think some of this is just learning to trust that you'll return. Trust your gut on when to let her scream and when to hold her when you need to cook dinner or whatever. I personally am in favor of accommodating our daughter's needs (holding her), but there are days when I just can't because I'm at my wit's end or need to do something with both my hands. Good luck!
I don't know who told pediatricians that kids are over it by 9 months. My son was closer the 16 months by the time he got over it. Part of that may have been my husband deploying during that time, but he wasn't over it by 13 months anyway.
Thinking of you! It will get better!!! Ever child is different. Try to make sure you're leaving her with people she's familiar with and do short periods of time so she can see that you keep coming back. She'll do better soon! Really!
My daughter was MISS clingy herself. And she ended up with separation anxiety-- and I had her at conseling at an early age (4 years??) It was a lot of work and time but I want you to know she is 18 now and absolutely FINE. She started going away on summer trips at the age of 14 and is going off to college in the fall.
Don't blame yourself. Some kids are just born with separation issues. You have to work with what you've got.
When I said to a teacher about my daughter when she was 2 years old and I said I wish she wasn't so shy and anxious, the teacher said, you have to accept her for what she is. Now that was a teachable moment for me.
So S is clingy. I think that is just who is she. Embrace it! I have a friend whose kid prefers Dad--and she hates that- so everyone has their issues.
I know its NOT easy, I have lived with the issue for years, but it is a doable and solvable issue. It does get better. I promise.
Jacky
Hun, my first word of advice is to get over the guilt. You have nothing to be guilty about! You are doing the best you possibly can, and that is all anyone can ask for. Other than that, can any one of us really give advice? Each child is so different and respond to different situations different ways. In my own mind, I liken this a bit to when a child cries when put in bed, so the parent picks her up. As tough as it is, usually at some point the parent has to enforce the staying in bed and allow the child to cry. As tough as it is, you may have to allow the crying and tantrums - tell her you will be back in a bit and then just walk away - and then reward her when she stops crying for a bit by taking her from whoever was strong enough to keep her during the crying. It is amazing what children understand as young as age 11 months.
Good luck!
Give yourself grace on this one. Some children are just more attached than others. My son is now 2.5 and still is mommy-obsessed and I did not leave him until he was over 10 months and that was part-time at daycare. The first night he went to bed without me was when he was almost two. He has gotten better, but I just chalk it up to part of being a mommy. Hang in there!
I totally understand, I have a clingy one. I do believe that she will not miss out on other relationships. She is just being honest about how she feels and that she wants you compared to everyone else.
I say if you don't have the Ergo carrier, get one, throw her on your back so you can interact with other people and get shit done around the house when you're home. She will grow out of this, or at least, mature in this, on her own time. Forcing her to go to other people or trying to get her off of you won't speed it up. IMHO. Good luck!
oh Yeah, one more thing, your ped is full of it. Does he have children? I think the clinginess can last until 24 months or more. And then it starts to fade. I have one who just turned three who still needs a lot of holding, affection, attention and gets really upset and whiney until I do. He's fine if I'm gone, but when I am around it's constant.
Kade was the exact same way before he started going to a daycare where there are 5 other kids all wanting attention. Seriously, I noticed a HUGE difference after just 2 days. I don't know if it's an option for you to take S for even just 1 day a week? I can't even begin to describe how much Kade has improved! I felt guilty taking him out of a daycare where he was 1 of 2 kids into one with a whole bunch of kids but it's good for them, even at this young age, to learn a little independence and socialization skills. Now Erik and I can be in the same room and Kade will actually play with his toys all by himself!
I have not ever commented on your blog before but I have read for a good long while.
First off, stop feeling guilty now! You have done NOTHING wrong! You are an amazing mother who obviously loves her children so very much.
I do understand that you left S to go get K. I left my 2- and 4-year-olds to go get their sister in Russia for 3 weeks. It causes a great deal of anxiety and guilt doesn't it? I can tell you that 11 years later they have no memory of that time at all.
Secondly, remember you are doing the best that you can! You have to work. You also have to have time for yourself. If you don't take non-work time for yourself you won't be a good mother. You cannot constantly give of yourself without replenishing yourself.
Finally, always, always, always trust your gut. Don't do something just because it sounds like the 'right' thing to do with your child. Do what you know is right for your child. You know your children so much better than anyone else in this world.
Now, here are a few of my suggestions (but they are just that):
Try wearing S as much as possible in a sling or carrier. She just may need to feel you. Her tactile needs may just be higher than her auditory/ visual needs.
If it doesn't disrupt your life too much try sleeping with her. Once again, she may just have a high need to be touched by you. Those nighttime snuggles could help.
Spend time just letting her cling when you can.
Try placing a blanket, lovie, animal, etc. between you and her when you snuggle. This can help her to develop another comfort item besides you. (Though you will always be her favorite!)
Always remember it will not be like this for long. They grow and change so quickly. When you are in the midst of a challenge it seems to last forever, but I promise you that it won't. Someday very, very soon she'll be a moody teenager and you'll wish she wanted you to be around:) It all happens so fast.
You are doing a great job!
BTW, I wanted to say that I was the same way....if not a lot worse. My mother said I would cower behind her legs and shake when people approached that I wasn't used to. And honestly as n adult I am a lot better, but I still feel anxiety around people I am not used to. That is why I wonder if it is partly personality trait and partly circumstance?
I agree with the comments that some children are just more clingy than others. I also liked the ideas of maybe giving S a blanket or stuffed toy that she can hold if you are not with her. I don't think you can force her to not be clingy when you are right there....she will just have to adjust and develop on her own. I'm sorry that is not much help. You are doing a great job and do clearly love both of your children so much. Don't feel guilty! Heather
It was good to read what others had to say on this. Thanks for posting this question!! When Ezra first got home he didn't have stranger anxiety and it bugged me. Now he has stranger anxiety and it bugs me. HA! The grass is always greener I guess. My baby book says they can have it well after a year so I think S is probably right in that range. S is so adorable! Love those photos!
Morgan still goes through this also. She started it around 6 months and just turned a year old and it seems to be getting worst (hate to say it). Morgans seems to be worst especially when she is teething also. Not sure if there is really any correlation to it but its gotten really bad lately. I wish I had some advice but we are still fighting the battle also. If you find anything that works I would love to hear it as well!
Leah- I am so sorry you're going through this! I am going through the same thing with Zander. You're right, on one end it's great to know you're so loved, but it's exhausting AND we want what's best for our kids! Glad you posted this...I've been getting some good advice off of your comments.
Leah, I'm so sorry you're going through this! I'm going through the IDENTICAL thing with Zander. It's really hard on so many levels, but you're right, glad we're loved! Nice to know we're not alone in this. Thank you for posting this! Needed to read it!!!! Tonight especially...:)
Oh, lol. No real advise, but "It shall pass"!
I remember having to take one of our kids/baby to the bathroom with me (latched to my leg) for about 6 months!!! Now he feels embarrassed when I tell him about it (he's almost 9 now)
But pretty much all of them did this "Clingy Thingy", adopted or not, some longer then others. After child #5 (or so) I became more "brutal" and would tell them, "you can scream all you can want, you will not be picked up right now, you will be picked up when I'm done feeding child # 3 (or whatever task I had to do. Amazing how much children can comprehend at such young age)!", but of course, I would have not dared to do that the first 4 kids, lol.
Our youngest has been screaming every Sunday for a year now, when I take her to the church nursery. EVERY stinking Sunday we go through the same, "Mommy you better not leave me here with these horrible people in this church nursery, or I'm going to kick and scream all visible in front of you to put a guilt trip on you for leaving me" - scenario.
Every Sunday for the last 52+ weeks! Now every Sunday a.m. I hold her face, kiss her, hug her and tell her I will be back in an hour when church is over. SCREAMING gets more intense - I turn around, walk out, and as soon as I'm out of eyesight she quits screaming and plays lovely with the other children.
One day we will be able to go to church without the "scenario" - the day will come!!
The day will come for you, too and then you get to share with other Moms and encourage them that this soon shall pass :-)
It is a tough Issue. Obviously All children and parents are different. So my advice may not be what you would need to hear for your families development. I rely on this website for just about all my questions. Everything so far has been amazing advice and they give more than one or 2 ways of handling most situations.
Check this Link out:
http://www.whattoexpect.com/info/v1us/clingy-child
There are a number of links avaliable for different ages on this Matter. Always keep in mind, It wasn't you that created the child that is clingy or seemingly unhappy, It's completely normal. I'm a stay at home Mom and I still have issues at times with the Twins when I leave to shop or get the mail or just sit on my deck for coffee break. My personal way to handle it is, Letting them cry and about 10 sec's into the tantrum they forget why they were crying and move on to something else. they are not scared from it, they know I love them. Im not abandoning them. I know in the long run ( 2-5 years old) they know Mommy will return there for may not have that seperation problem. That is MY way od handling the Twins. The way you need to handle your children will be different from mine. I don't mind crying babies, to me personally It's musical.. I giggle and walk away .. I refuse to let them know that I can't handle their cries.
Distraction. That is my advice. Whenever my daughter does that and I need to get something done or go somewhere, I try to give her something to do to take her attention off of me. It isn't as easy with a 9-moth-old because they have such short attention spans, but it is worth working on.
As a mommy of 3- know she will grow out of it. This is just a moment in time, you will blink- and she will be going off to school. Phases can be hard- but know it's just a phase.
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