Sometimes I wonder if T and I would have ever adopted if we hadn't struggled to get pregnant first.
I've mentioned on this blog that we've always wanted to adopt. I'll never forget T talking to me during our early marriage about how overpopulated the world already is and therefore we should just adopt instead of procreating. (Mrs Duggar. . . are you reading this?) I agreed with T and thought adoption was a wonderful idea, but I also had a huge desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth as well.
As the years went on in our marriage, adoption was never really discussed again. It was just something that both T and I were open to. It didn't get brought up again until I feared that a biological child wasn't going to be an option for us. And the subject wasn't brought up lightly. I don't think any couple ever says, hey, we're apparently infertile! Let's adopt! There was a lot of hurt to recover from, mostly on my end, before we were able to see the hope that adoption offered us.
And then a few months into the adoption process, I got pregnant.
Many people suggested we hold off on the adoption, and I would be lying if the thought didn't cross my mind once or twice. But I know myself so well. I know T so well. I know us as a couple so well. And I was pretty sure that if we held off on the adoption due to the pregnancy, that we would go through our lives and never adopt. I was sure I would be on my deathbed, looking back at my life, and not following through with the adoption would be my biggest regret. I couldn't chance it.
I am also fully aware that if we had gotten pregnant right away, adoption probably would never have been brought up, and definitely never followed through on. And because of that, I am grateful for the infertility we suffered. If we hadn't suffered it, more than likely, there would be no Khalil. Adoption would have been just another dream I didn't follow through on. (And trust me, there are a few forgotten dreams on my list already)
I wish I could go back to the days I was suffering. The days of failed treatments, sadness and bitterness, and see the bigger picture. I wish I could go back and see the meaning behind all of it, because I truly believe in everything, there is a meaning. I wish I could have been more graceful and trusting during my struggle.
Now that I'm on the other side of it, I see the meaning in it. I had to go through all I did, because if I hadn't, there is a very real possibility that Khalil, the son I was always meant to have, would not be my son.
To those of you struggling, always try to find the bigger meaning in your struggle. Everything in life is a learning opportunity.
*** Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. ~Garrison Keillor ***
17 comments:
Oh, Garrison Keillor, you wise man.(I would love to have him record my voicemail message on my personal cell phone; I love his radio voice, hehe. :)
Again, Leah, I always enjoy reading your perspective. I alternate between feeling that we make our own destiny and that things occur in our lives for a specific reason. And then somedays, it all lines up where I see that these two perspectives--self-determination and that unseen undercurrent of "things happening for a reason"--aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. Your story is a great example of this.
N and I were close friends through high school, but dated other people (some very long-term) between our last few years of high school and our junior year of college. All the while we secretly pined for each other... Eventually things lined up where we could finally explore and enjoy an intimate relationship. Looking back, though it was painful to see him with others and to long for a relationship with him, I recognize that we really needed that time apart. I think that heartbreak reinforced our current relationship with a greater level of maturity and appreciation. And because of that, I refuse to regret not taking our relationship to a deeper place sooner. To me, those four years spent dating other people happened for a very specific reason. And here we are, 11 years later, married for 10 this summer, happy, healthy and strong.
I like to think that our IF journey will bring us the same level of maturity and grace and appreciation...
Sorry to be so long-winded! I really identified with your post. :)
Sometimes God works in His most mysterious and wonderful ways.
I'm so glad you are able to experience both - adoption and pregnancy - both immense blessings from the Lord.
And oh my, you're getting so close on having your two babies HOME!! :-)
You need to pass court soon, i bet you me and many others are dying to finally get to see a pic of Khalil.
have a good one,
mel
So wise and true. What a beautiful post! Inspires me in our journey to start a family and have a baby. However that happens!
I am so glad that your agency doesnt require a pregnancy waiting period. Ours does and, while I am glad to have the time to bond and watch Bobby and Maya grow up, it's hard knowing that they made us stop the process when we found out we were pregnant and that, not only can we not restart, but we have a set period that we have to wait! I like to think that they do this because they have experience and know, but it doesnt make it any easier!
such a great post. and i absolutely LOVE the quote at the end... i, too, am thankful for our infertility leading us to adoption. we had also always said we wanted to adopt and i think we still would have, but i'm so glad to be adopting first (and probably in my case, only adopting). i just wish i could go back and start the process a little sooner!!! LOL.
I have been lurking on your blog for a while now. My husband and I are in a very similar situation – we started adopting and then miraculously conceived naturally. I know exactly how you feel about "seizing the opportunity", and I give you credit for going through with the adoption while pregnant. I sometimes wonder, too, if we will adopt in the future, but I also know myself too well to know that we can't handle both at the same time. I have enjoyed following your journey, thanks for sharing!
so so true! I would not go back and change a thing because without it we wouldn't have Maya, I still ahve the hurt and pain, becasue liek you I want to be able to still experiance pregnacy and childbearth and having my child fromt he start, I still mourn the times I missed with Maya. I also always wnated to adopt, but had we conceived it would have happend, mostly becasue of the costs.
Leah - very wise post and speaks to me right now. These last few days I've been trying to readjust my thinking on my path to parenthood vs. what I thought was the "ideal" path to parenthood. Why is my journey so difficult?
But I have been trying to refocus my attitude - that the journey is what it is and someday when it's all over maybe I will understand why it was so much harder than others. But I have some peace in knowing that maybe it's not supposed to be easy for us, maybe it's not easy for everyone, and our journey may be rocky but it's not to punish me, if nothing else I will have a great stroy and great strength after this and hopefully a child or children to share it all with. I don't know what the end will look like for us yet but I'm hoping that I have the same sense of everything was as it should be one of these days.
It's really hard to focus on the big picture when you're going through treatments and working towards one leg of the journey. It's only on these long breaks that I can begin to contemplate the bigger picture and start to see the forrest through the trees a bit.
Anyways, thanks for writing this and sharing your perspective.
And congrats on your referral!! I haven't been keeping up to date and I don't know how much longer this means you have to wait but I know this is HUGE!! Excited for you and T to bring your son home.
Another beautiful post from you. I think real maturity is when we are able to appreciate our struggles in life and see the good in them. You have such a wonderful story and soon you will have two precious babies in your arms. All because you struggled :)
Well typed (er, said)!
God makes everything happen for a reason! We never even considered adoption until we discovered our infertility, but I am so thankful things unfolded hoe they did, I know Z is supposed to be in our family just like K is supposed to be in yours!!
I love your blog, it's so fun to read about your journey!!
WOW - the story about how you came to adoption is so much like mine! I remember having a similar conversation as a "new" adult after starting my first job... if I had gotten pregnant right away in my marriage we probably would never have adopted either. As painful as IF was for us - I feel very lucky to have been given the chance to adopt.
:) It was meant to be:)
Love this, Leah. You really put it into words and make me think. :) Thanks sweetie! (((HUGS)))
You and I are so very alike in this respect. There is always a reason things happen, and more often than not, there is also a lesson that comes in the same package. While I struggled with infertility, I knew it was a growing experience with lessons to be learned. Had I not had to go through it, I would have taken my pregnancy and too much of my daughter's life for granted. But because I did have to struggle, I am a better, more patient mother than I would have been otherwise.
I agree that getting what we want is not always the blessing we think it will be, and that sometimes better things come out of not getting it. I am glad this was the case for you. Deep down you always knew this was your path. Its incredible.
Struggles are opportunities in diguise for sure. Good thoughts, my dear. From one surprise pregnant adoptive mom to another. :)
This is so true. Early in my journey to motherhood, I lost a baby at 13 weeks. It was beyond devastating, to say the least. I went on to lose another pregnancy before getting pregnant with my daughter. Once she was born, I knew that as hard as the road had been to get her, it had all happened for a reason because, quite frankly, I cannot every imagine life without her.
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