Yesterday, I clicked over to a new blog I had never read before because they had a new gotcha video up. For those unfamiliar with a gotcha video, it is a video people take to document when they first meet their adoptive child. I love these videos, and until yesterday, had never watched one without crying my eyes out. They are so touching, and I always imagine the emotions when T and I will get to meet Khalil.
Yesterday's gotcha video left me with a different impression. The adoptive parents were being interviewed at the beginning of the video, and started out by saying that they felt like it was their calling in life to go rescue an orphan. I wish I could properly articulate why this leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. Why this is such a turnoff to me. I don't know, I guess I feel like that statement is so self-serving. It was as if these parents needed a large pat on their back for going to this impoverished continent called Africa and saving a child. They were trying to glorify themselves a bit too much.
I know I've written about this before, but I don't believe adoption should be thought of as rescuing a child. It is so much more than that. When I look at Khalil, it isn't about rescuing him. It's about T and I creating a family. It's about T and I being blessed with a son. I'm not looking to glorify myself in this process. I don't want people to think, "Good for Leah and T. . . rescuing an orphan!" I don't want people to think that at all. This process is simply not about me. God didn't speak to me one day and put adoption in my heart. Instead, I've always been fascinated with different countries and cultures, and always wanted to have a diverse family.
When someone says they are going to rescue a child, to me, it puts the white parents and biological siblings above the adoptive (almost always darker skinned) child. (And yes, I could be reading into these words way too much) Khalil will be an equal in our household. He will be our child and we will be his parents. His mama will be white, his baba will be brown, his sister will most likely be a combination of pale and brown, and Khalil will be the color of dark chocolate. We will all have different shades to us, and that is what will make us unique and beautiful.
I am just so confident that I will never look at Khalil when he is home and want to be praised for saving this poor helpless child. I am very confident that I will look at Khalil and thank God for the blessing that Khalil has been to us.
Perhaps I look at adoption differently than some. Perhaps there are many people out there that see adoption as a rescue mission. I am just not one of them.
(And I'm not trying to badmouth this family that I do not even know. I have no doubt that their hearts are in the right place. Something just turns me off by the words "God told me I should go rescue a baby orphan)
25 comments:
Your post title gave me the gags. I was like "No, Leah would never say that. I don't know her personally but I think she would not say that."
I am not a fan of the misguided savior complex of some adoptive families. No one should adopt unless they want more children in their family. PER-I-OD. If you want to save an orphan, donate the $30K to build a well for an entire village, provide life long HIV meds for a handful of families, etc.
Staci - I couldn't have said it better myself. And maybe I should change my post title. I don't want anyone thinking I would say that! Double gag!
I got the same bad taste in my mouth when I read your title. But I know that you would never say that so I read on. I agree. You will be a great and fair mother!
Leah, I couldn't agree more. I always feel so awkward when people say things to me like, "this is such a humanitarian thing you are doing." Or something along those lines. Because that isn't why we decided to adopt. We chose to create our family through adoption and we want to be parents. I also find myself uncomfortable with the word, "gotcha." Maybe I am over analyzing it but even that word rubs me the wrong way. I have heard some people use the term "family day" instead and I think I like that a lot better. Thanks for broaching this topic!
Thank you!!!!!! I thought that it was just me, I thought I was missing something while watching the video. We brought our daughter home from Vietnam in February 2009. I cannot even imagine using the word rescue to describe what happened. The day we saw her face she was ours, no question!!! We didnt save her, she was our daughter from day one.....Thank you for clarifying this on your blog. I do not have a blog, but was thinking of starting one just to discuss that video.
eeekk, "the rescue mission story", lol. it's just a matter of time when you get to come across one, sigh.
different strokes for different folks, and everybody has their own personal reason why they chose to adopt, but "rescue"??
we have adopted three times, but the idea of "rescuing" somebody has never even crossed my mind. we're Christians and so are commanded to take care of the orphans and widows. we just obeyed God and He has richly blessed us three times.
your family will look beautiful once complete! can't wait for your first family pic - another unique perfect mix ;-)
have a good one,
mel
This reminds me of when people tell me "what a blessing you are to that young girl (colt's birthmother" or "Colt is so lucky that you adopted him".
Um, no. N is a blessing to US! She did the selfless, sacrificial thing. Not us! And as for Colt...I like to hope we're a blessing to him simply because we're his parents but WE are the lucky ones. We're blessed 10-fold by him.
Just another one of the things I want to put on my list of "get a life and change your perspective" when it comes to adoption language some people use!
when i saw the title of this post on my reader i was like, "what?! no, leah, no!" i knew YOU couldn't really be saying that!!! i drives me INSANE when people glorify themselves through adoption. it frustrates the heck outta me.
While I agree with you regarding being so careful with the words "rescuing" and orphan, I do have to say that towards the end she does say that it is not about "rescuing" but about how adoption parallels the gospel and Jesus did come to rescue us and save us so we could be adopted as sons and daughters of the King. I think their heart is fully in the right spot here.
Jenny
I definitely agree that their hearts are in the right place. It was just the line, "God wanted me to go rescue a baby orphan" that made me cringe. For the most part I agree though. . . It is a beautiful video and a forever family was created, which is wonderful.
Ugh. Yeah, "rescue" is not a great word to describe most adoption situations. But we are all likely over-sensitive to it. I am already tired of the "Oh, you're doing such a good thing - saving a child in Africa!" comments, they could make me sick! We are building a family, plain and simple.
This is a great post. Although God did put another adoption on our hearts (we thought we were done growing our family), it is certainly not to rescue an orphan. It is not like going to the pound and rescuing a dog. Our African son will be as much a part of our family as our other two sons - he'll just have joined us from a different path than the others. I hope that the child of the people you mentioned does not feel like he needed to be rescued and that they do not expect him to be grateful.
I think there are a lot of people (most already have biological kids) that feel called to adopt to "save a child". There is no denying that most children in orphanages around the world will never have a chance at a happy life, and they feel like they can offer that life to a child, and their hearts are big enough to welcome a child into their family. I agree, I don't like the term rescue either, but I also don't think you can make a judgement on people's intentions from a soundbite on a show.
The thing people say to me that I hate the very most is, "He's so lucky!"
NO! We're the lucky ones!! We didn't rescue anyone, we just found our child! He's supposed to be in our family, I know that God planned it out before we were even born!
I love this post!!
I can understand why that would upset you...it would upset me, too.
I agree with what other people have said already - so many people have said to us that Matthew is so lucky we adopted him...our response is always that WE are the blessed ones here! He needed a home, and we needed a baby, and us being a family was an amazing answer to both of our needs :)
Call Me Mama, I definitely don't want to come off like I'm making an assumption on the intentions of this family. I believe the intentions are good and pure. I still hate the word rescue though.
I HATE it when people say "Oh, she is so lucky". That drives me insane. Sure, she is lucky that she doesn't live in an orphanage anymore, sure she is lucky to have parents to love her and siblings and grandparents. So are my biological children. But rest assured, I am the lucky one. Lucky and blessed. I am the one who gets to hold that sweet child of mine and laugh at her and play with her and love her. I am also the one who gets to discipline her and guide her. I am the lucky one. People need to be careful what they say. Those little ears don't want to hear how lucky they are. They shouldn't even have to know the meaning and should never be made to feel like they were "rescued".
I had never thought of it that way. It turns me off too. Its not like you're going to the pound to rescue a dog. This is a person, a human being. You bring them into your home to be a part of your family.
I love that you will have the full color spectrum in your house! That didn't occur to me before now either. That is so cool.
Khalil will be a very loved little boy, and every bit as much a part of your family as you and T or your baby girl. I don't doubt that you will look on him and think of him as anything other than your son.
Very well said Leah!!! :)
I agree with Staci! What a horrible thing to say, "rescuing an orphan". Our children rescue us; it's not the other way around.
I completely agree with your post! I showed my husband that same video and while their intentions may not have been to portray a neg. image, we were both taken aback. We have 2 bio kids, one from Guat. and are in process from ET. We adore our son from Guat. completely the same as our bio kids and don't ever feel that we "rescued" him....sure he has different opportunities now than he prob. would have had in Guat, but the savior mentality really bothers me. John Piper's recent message at the orphan summit (google it if you haven't seen it) speaks directly to this. Adoption, while a huge blessing, is also really, really hard at times. We have dealt with many issues with our child's speech develepment along with a few other medical things, and one needs to go into adoption knowing those things are realities. Thanks for this post! And blessings to your family on this journey!
Jenny
calcrew.wordpress.com
As I think You are right in the post.. My opinion is that rescue is a word that can be used well for adoption. The child rescues the parents from certain life with out happiness. Children ARE happiness and what are we as adults with out receiving the happiness from children? ... we are grumpy stuck in our ways and a lot of times ignorant.
Really interesting reading all your comments. I do have to agree, the term rescuing is filled with the gratification of the one doing the rescuing. Also, I can't think of any case of rescuing where the word 'hero' doesn't come to mind of the rescuer. That's quite the feeling or role to play, powerful indeed.
I haven't watched or listened to the clip so I have to generalize here:
WHen I hear of the term 'rescue' being used in adoption I almost instantly think of old school Christian missionary work. "God has sent them to rescue these heathens from their ignorant lives."
This sort of attitude troubles me greatly.
I have no idea which blog you are referring to, but I was lead to one the other night because i wanted to watch the gotcha day video. I couldn't wait. They always pick me up. I ended up calling my sister, mother, and friend ranting over it. It just did not sound right to say "rescue a baby orphan" over and over. There are probably many videos that say that. Maybe to some it does sound ok, but it totally set me off. If the wait is so hard, because it is so long, then it probably is because many people want to adopt. There is no need to "rescue baby orphans". That was the first video I watched that just didn't leave me feeling good. I could go on a bandwagon, but I will shut up before people send me messages not liking my comment. ;-)
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