But what about when someone close to you says something? Someone who knows the story because they were there for every single step of it? What then?
Last night, we were at a family function, when the topic of potty training came up. Nur is 3, and not potty trained. And guess who isn't stressing about it at all? That would be me. I know boys take longer, and I know he'll use the potty when he is good and ready. I'm not going to push it. Yes, I realize TT learned right after turning 2. My children are very different from each other, and they both have areas they excel in, and they both have areas they could work on.
Back to this family function. I'm being grilled because Nur isn't potty trained. Just Nur, this person, and myself were sitting at a table at the time. This person then goes on to say that TT is much smarter than Nur, and it's because of her heritage. This person than goes on to say that Nur's mother must have been a simple woman.
I didn't know what to say. All I could do was look at Nur who was sitting with us and eating his crackers, and hoping that his 3 year old heart and head were protected in that moment from such ignorance nonsense. Then I looked at this person, who I love dearly, and who is known for not saying the most intelligent things. I went on to tell her that Nur is very smart but he's not ready for potty training, and I removed Nur from the situation.
Yet, here I am, the next day, and I can't get the comment out of my head. I keep replaying all the things I want to say to this person, and all the things I should have said in the moment. I know I must let it go, but I'm not happy that it was said, and I'm especially not happy that it was said in front of Nur.
Here's the thing. Nur is PERFECT. I couldn't love him more had I given birth to him. I couldn't love him more had he been potty trained at 1, didn't have anxiety issues, didn't have sensory processing disorder. I simply love him and I know he will do great things in this world.
Nur is the kindest child I have ever met. He loves deeply, honestly, without expecting anything in return. He shares, while most children his age won't. He cares so much about the happiness of his little sister, and is always letting her have her way cause he is simply laid back like that. He is everything I could have ever hoped for in a child.
I know people sometimes look at Nur and see the things he needs to work on. He gets overwhelmed when around too many people and loud noises, changing his routine could be disastrous. He can be irrational and have fits for reasons I don't understand. He is in no hurry for most things, and that's okay.
It's moments like this when I realize that I have fully bonded with my son. Because as moms, don't we all see the beauty and perfection in our children while the world can see things entirely different? I love Nur with all my heart, and I have no doubt his birthmom does too.
And let me tell you about Ethiopian women. I don't think calling them "simple-minded" is accurate.
The comments from strangers are easy to brush off, but the comments from people I love, not quite as easy.
16 comments:
Leah,
From everything I have read about your journey to creating your family you are doing a wonderful job and don't let anyone tell you different. You are exactly correct in that Nur will potty train when ready. My oldest was three months shy of his fourth birthday before he was willing to, and I mean just that, willing to. We were switching daycares at that time and he knew the individual we were switching to and made his mind up to train with the new daycare and he did within the first two weeks. They have to be ready for it for it to effectively work. You are doing great and have a beautiful family!
Lisa
Wow, I gasped out loud when I read the comment about Nur's birth mom being a simple woman. You are right that most people mean well and don't say rude things trying to be mean, but that was still such an ignorant comment. Kids are so smart, and that was also rude to say such a thing right in front of Nur. Lastly, Nur will become potty trained when he is ready - that is great you are not stressing about it. Too bad other people can't just let it go and not grill you about it. Sometimes people just don't realize how hurtful or inappropriate their comments are....hopefully sharing the story will help you feel better. Thanks for sharing. Heather
Oh, that must hurt.
Prejudice, especially long held prejudice is tough to change.
I've lived through the civil rights movement and I am now living through the marriage equality movement. I learned prejudice from my family and community. What first opened. Y mind to changing my prejudices were my contacts with people who "were the wrong color" and people "who were gay". I learned from them that the prejudices handed down to me were wrong and didn't even make sense.
I hope your relative lives long enough to be changed too, because knowing Nur and seeing who he is and loving him will change her too. Little bit by little bit. Of course, figuring out how to deal with the comments and the attitude won't be easy for you or Nur, but you will find your way. You and your whole family are changing the world for the better. You will open people's hearts and have them shed their prejudices.
SD Granny
I admire your ability to keep your cool in this situation. I probably would've said something along the lines of "I'm Nur's mother. Are you calling me stupid?"
This actually really hurts my heart! I agree that it's more hurtful when it's someone you love who says something. It's amazing that I feel like just seeing their personalities on your blog I could totally say TT would be potty trained and K wouldn't, seriously personalities are different and what is important to me isn't important to my sister and we have the same "birth parents"! I'd be frustrated too and moreso with it being said in front of him. I'm sorry for that!
Dear Leah,
You're absolutely right: Ethiopian people are anything but simple-minded. Indeed, my Ethiopian friends are some of the most intelligent, determined, and kindest people I've ever met.
Now, I'm inclined to believe that if you love the person who made the comment, it must be for a good reason. Sometimes even the kindest people can have a hard time understanding things to which they cannot relate. She will probably never fully understand the wonderful bond you have with your son. But you know what? That's ok; she doesn't have to. Take your cue from Nur on this one and be laid back. Ethiopian people seem to have this innate ability to express joy, to be joyful and to be open about love; we should all be so lucky.
You clearly understand Nur's potential and he is a happy child in a loving family; he's got all he needs.
Cheers!
Oh Leah, I am so sorry. That is awful!! I am like you in that I always let those comments consume me for days and try and think of things that I should have said. It is definitely harder when it is someone you know and love but there is no excuse for comments like that. I get a little teary when I think of Nur and hope he didn't hear it or comprehend it. Oh his heart and your's. I'm so sorry. We've been getting some comments about LB and his lack of potty training as well. No fun. Sending Love!!
wow... I actually felt my mouth drop when I read that. And then I thought of the nasty things I wanted to say back. You are a much better person that I.
Maya is done at 3 and a half; Bobby, at 3 and a half, is struggling. It's just how it is. Kids are different. I know folks who have 5 year olds who are still trying to potty train. It's a child-paced thing. Some are 18mo, some of 5. It's a shame that person has no clue at all about kids and had perfect and unique they each are.
Hey Leah, It is clear that this is really nagging at you. Do you think it would be worthwhile, since this comment was made by someone you love, to take a little time to write him/her a note. Might help you get over the anger/frustration and, in the meantime, educate someone. People need to know that words matter. And that those words can impact others and hurt others even if that wasn't the intention. Obviously you don't want to drive a wedge between yourself and this person, but, since it sounds like this is someone you'll continue to be around, perhaps it would help heal the wound the words left. Anyways, just a thought. Sending a hug to both Nur and you!
Leah,
I'm sorry that person said that to you and not only you, but she said it in front of Nur.
He will learn how to use the potty when he's ready. End of story.
I think if it were me in your shoes, I would need to have a conversation with this person at a time when you could leave Nur at home. I would explain how hurt you were by her words and why it was so inappropriate to say that, especially in front of your son. I would expect an apology. I would also not want to be around that person in the future if she continued to say similar things.
We had something happen with a family member during the last year. She made a comment about our adoption and it was hurtful. We corrected her immediately and her response was basically "I shouldn't have said anything" instead of "I'm sorry." I still have an issue with that; however, we rarely see this person. I'm guessing it won't come up again. But believe me, I replayed the conversation over and over again in my head after it happened.
Your relative might not have realized the hurt she caused, but she really should know.
What a jerk!!! This post gets my blood boiling! My husband and I are still waiting for our call saying we've been matched. We're fine with accepting a child who isn't of our nationality. I can't imagine being in your shoes with YOUR son there having to listen to this "person" talk such nonsense! Maybe this "person" doesn't say the smartest things sometimes, but that's no excuse for such behavior! I'm so sorry friend for you and for your son...
Yikes. I have had a couple of people suggest that my daughter's love of going barefoot (even in chilly weather we can't seem to keep shoes & socks on her!) is likely genetic (she is Ojibway)...it always leaves me speechless to hear that...
Although I do not believe this is what was meant by what this person said, but maybe we all should be a little bit more "simple minded" and do what you do and what Nur's biological mother did and find perfection in what we have and not what we can get! Also, IF Ethiopians are simple minded and what I saw in Ethiopia was accurate...then I wish to be simple minded as well! They have found happiness in having 1 cow not a hold herd, but one, that can provide milk, body heat and a home for their family. They find happiness that they have a home to sleep in made from cow dung. They find happiness in a pencil or a pen so they can go to school. They find happiness in a empty water bottle so they can carry water back to their family. They find happiness when they are carrying heavy loads for miles and when we foreigners pass by them in a 4 wheel drive vehicle they begin dancing and smiling. Simple minded? Maybe, but that is not the phrase or words that I would use to describe Ethiopians but if this is what they truly are, then maybe we should all strive to be "simple minded" people instead of well, dare I say it, greedy, judgmental and arrogant individuals. Maybe too harsh?
All I could think was "oh no she didn't" when I read your post.
We found ourselves in a similar situation with a close relative who asked for a picture she had given me of my great grandmother back because she wanted to give it to my cousing for her little girl. When I asked her why and that my own daughter might want it she replied that she wasn't "real family" because she was adopted.
You are far kinder than I because I told her that I never would forgive her for that remark. After calming down a few days later, I explained that my daughter is REAL family and that I love this little girl more than anything in the world and that despite what this relative may feel that my daughter feels we are her REAL family and that we are the only family that she remembers. Needless to say, older people still tend to hang on to very ignorant ideas and it is hard to get them to change.
We limit our time with this person now and have told her why too That as long as she feels this way we do not want to take this risk that she will say something directly to our daughter that would hurt her.
Hang in there. You responded best you could at the time. Never hurts to talk with the person about what was said and the hurt those comments can cause.
We too have a 3 year old adopted son placed at birth who isnt fully potty trained. I haven't stressed but my husband did a bit but about a month ago he sat on the potty and went so I know he can do it. The more I pressed him the more he retaliated using it so I just stopped asking and let him do it in his timing.He uses it to pee pee but not poopy. He won't use the potty in his preschool and holds it all day until he gets home. I have tried to get him to go but he just won't. I accept its on his terms and maybe he wont ever use a public toilet as some people just won't. It has nothing to do with his birthmother or his blood line or his IQ. I have been astonished by some of the comments people have said to me in the past 3 years especially the young mothers I work with. They dont include me in conversations sometimes and especially when it comes to breast feeding vs formula the rude comments I have had said has been very hurtful.I have to be thick skinned but it hurts alot when they say things about my child being adopted and not breastfed and will end up with health problems and I wont know his history and theirs being biological and took breast milk and are healthy . I love my son just as if I gave birth to him or more.I cherish his life and his birthmother for giving him his life. The Ignorance is unbelieveable when it comes to others and their comments on adoption. I wasnt prepared for it but I try to understand and just ignore.I know prejudice exists and I cannot change someone elses ideas but I will never pass it along to my child and I am glad you removed your son from the conversation. Thanks for sharing because I have this happen more than you can think it would and its hurtful and hard not to yell and strike back on every comment people say. I bite my tongue and thank god I do not have their ignorance. I really believe unless you go through the adoption process, struggles, anxiety and fear no one can truly understand what it is like when you finally have that baby home.Biological or not they are our children and we are 100% their parents.Potty training isnt biological its emotional and personal to each child and it happens in their own timing. Good luck!
Oh, Leah, I'm so sorry that you had to hear this hurtful comment - and that your sweet boy did, too. I imagine it hurt even more since it came from someone so close to you. Sometimes, like you said, great people say stupid things. Ugh. I wonder if, since this is someone very close to you, you could try to have a conversation with him or her. I imagine this type of comment might come up again if they believe that Nur is going to be somehow "less" than TT due to his heritage. If absolutely nothing else, they need to know not to say those things in front of him (and hopefully not at all)! I'm sorry you had to go through this.
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